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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for thinking this baby shower invite is tacky...

69 replies

AliGrylls · 06/12/2009 18:39

Unfortunately, my friend asked me ages ago whether I would go to her baby shower so I now feel obliged to pitch.

However, I have just read the invite and on it states: there will be party games; there is a gift list attached; please bring anything you would like to eat or drink with you.

Is this normal protocol for a baby shower or am I being unreasonable for thinking it sounds a bit tacky. If it is I will clench my teeth and bear it but it is sooooo not my cup of tea.

OP posts:
AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:31

skidoodle,

A baby shower is an American thing and everyone understands the rules. Of course it is no one's resposibility, except for the new family, to get things, but fortunately friends support one another and will give out of love. Not everyone lives in a legalistic relationship with their 'friends'.

The baby showers I have been too (not many and all hosted by Americans) were lovely. They were really quite wholesome, and the gifts were not ostentatious.

Really, once you have had your child, you get into the birthday party circuit and the concept of gift giving doesn't really make you flinch. At least with a baby shower, you get to share in the fellowship.

At my baby shower, admittedly 18 years ago, some of the gifts were well under five pounds (eg a pack of dummies). The guest had fun, hopefully.

skidoodle · 06/12/2009 19:32

It is not remotely acceptable for a "host" to demand that gusts bring their own food, even where the host is not using a party as a way of soliciting presents.

A party is meant to be for the guests, not the host.

If you feel affronted by the invitation (and this case, you have every reason, given how utterly rude it is) then it is perfectly acceptable to politely decline.

In fact, it is always acceptable to politely decline ANY invitation.

MmeLindt · 06/12/2009 19:34

Is it a good friend? Would she be very upset if you did not go?

Is it worth upsetting your friend by not going?

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/12/2009 19:34

Agree with CybilLiberty in that baby showers = greed not to mention soooo tacky.

I'd definitely be busy, an invite to a party where I have to take food/drink and a gift from the list is grasping to the extreme.

juneybean · 06/12/2009 19:34

I held a shower for my work mate and thankfully our boss provided the food (we worked for a restaurant) and I didn't attach a guest list.

Rude I think.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:34

Bolter,

It is not greedy. The shower is hosted by a third party for a start.

It is an opportunity for friends and family to give their gifts before the baby is born, and to be part of a celebration as well.

These are the same people who would give gifts afterwards, so they are not being asked to give more. Plus, they get to socialise!

It is a different culture to what we are used to, but that doesn't make it bad in itself.

bibbitybobbityhat · 06/12/2009 19:35

Yes, tacky in the extreme. Infact, tacky is too polite a phrase imo.

If she is a very good friend you have got to find a way to break this to her because all the other invitees will be thinking the same as you, as well as the majority of posters on this thread!

And, as someone else has said, baby showers (yuk yuk yuk) are hosted by someone else in the States, not the person hoping for lots of free stuff for their baby . Plus booze and food as well .

skidoodle · 06/12/2009 19:35

I've lived in America, I know how baby showers work and I still think they are tacky and rude.

Grabby parties for celebrating yourself and demanding stuff off your friends are more common in the US than they are here.

Telling people what you want them to buy you for a present is obnoxious.

If you need stuff, buy it yourself.

CybilLiberty · 06/12/2009 19:36

It's another meaningless, commercialised Americanism that has crept into the British psyche.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:36

:frustrated emoticon:

YanknChristmasCrackers · 06/12/2009 19:36

I don't agree that by default baby showers are tacky--however, the way this particular one has been organised is.

If the mum-to-be's friends and relatives want to get together and throw her a party and people want to bring a gift, great. If those friends and relatives decide to do a potluck, lovely. But the manner described in the OP is just tacky tacky tacky.

CybilLiberty · 06/12/2009 19:36

We'll be celebrating Thanksgiving next

PheasantPlucker · 06/12/2009 19:38

But the mum to be is hosting it, not a third party.

skidoodle · 06/12/2009 19:39

Thanksgiving is a marvellous holiday.

Far better Thanksgiving than parties with a monetary demand built in.

TheBolter · 06/12/2009 19:41

AMerryScot, well I do think they're greedy if gift lists are involved and especially if thrown by the mum to be!

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:43

Don't knock it until you have been to one.

Honestly, they can be lovely. Just a Girls' Night Afternoon Out.

Would you not buy a gift for this new mum anyway? If not, then feel free not to go. If yes, then you are bringing your shopping forward by a few weeks and getting something you know she will value (rather than it being a guessing game).

Seriously, people really sweat the small stuff.

zanz1bar · 06/12/2009 19:45

What a miserable lot you are.

A baby shower is organised and held by a third party.
Not the friend in question, she probably only knows the date.

Its a charming idea and often the last time a first time Mum gets to see all her girlfriends as the post baby chaos kicks in and the chance to all meet up drifts away, esp if you don't want a christening like ceremony.

And as for it being greedy, a gift list is a bit odd, but then I find gift lists at weddings tacky.

Give from the heart, a bag of nappies or a promise note to keep in touch with this new mum would mean more.

YanknChristmasCrackers · 06/12/2009 19:46

AMerryScot, I do get what you are saying, it really is a difference in culture. I think baby showers in the U.S. have gotten a bit greedier/grabbier than they were before, same with wedding lists. And yes, it sort of makes sense to have a gift list if people want to make sure they get you something you need and will use. But that's just not the way things are done over here, not with regard to babies anyway.

It's weird, I can really see it from both sides. My American friend over here wanted to throw me a baby shower and I said no, because it just didn't seem to fit the way most people behave.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:49

I agree that mum hosting it is a bit weird. Maybe she doesn't have any friends who will step up to the plate, so is doing it herself, which is a bit sad.

As with any transferred customs, they get a bit mixed up as they cross the ocean (think of the botch up job we do of Trick or Treat).

The food is slightly weird if the request comes from the present recipient (mom), but nnot if it from a friend or relative host.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, maybe this mom is having a baby shower thrown for her, but perhaps the hostess doesn't know all of her friends, and the mom is doing some of the invites herself? Unorthodox, I admit, but possible.

Why don't you look on the positive side and just go and enjoy the company of some lovely young women? Don't look on the sinister side of life all the time.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:52

Question: do baby shower dissenters have the same attitude towards 'house warming' parties? It really isn't any different.

Sassybeast · 06/12/2009 19:53

Merryscot - I've been to a couple and it's always been a little token gift - a pack of nappies, or some baby toileteries. Issuing a gift list is just presumptious and 'grabby' IMO.

babyelvis · 06/12/2009 19:54

I went to my first baby shower a couple of weeks ago. It was for my cousin - thrown by her friend. We had a great night....
....but as well as taking gifts we were expected to contribute towards the cost of all the food.
Can you believe her friend laid all the food out on a table and then left a cup for the money in the middle!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, after spending £35 on my cousins gift, I declined to leave any money - sorry if that's tight, but if I took upon myself to throw a party, I would take it as read that I would be paying for it.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2009 19:55

'Grabby parties for celebrating yourself and demanding stuff off your friends are more common in the US than they are here.'

I'm American and I couldn't agree more!

It all smacks of self-congratulation and indulgence and spoiltness which are prevalent there and which I find abhorrent beyond belief, hence, I no longer live there (among many other reasons).

It's not a 'girly afternoon out before post-baby chaos'. It's grabby and self-centred and rude.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:55

Grabby, but pragmatic.

YanknChristmasCrackers · 06/12/2009 19:56

Do people expect gifts and make a list for housewarming parties? I just thought they were like regular parties, as in 'bring a bottle and we'll have lots of food'!

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