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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit 'odd one out' in my NCT classes

116 replies

Southwestwhippet · 03/12/2009 19:14

I'm not 'wierd' am I? Like a lot of people I did the NCT classes predominately to make friends - but I feel a bit of an odd one out in my group.

I'm the only person in my ante-natal NCT class who is having a home birth. Not that it matters in the slightest where people choose to give birth but on the first week we were all nervously chatting and one very nice woman looked round our group and said confidentally

"so, we're all going to [local midwife unit] aren't we". Cue everyone saying
"yes, of course" except me who piped up quietly saying I was hoping to have a home birth.

I felt that the group was pretty shocked by this and I had a lot of questions like
"aren't you nervous things might go wrong?"
"aren't you worried about mess?".

Since then, although I have made lots of effort to chat and be friendly, I've felt that although they are all pleasant they see me as not quite proper/not one of them. I'm not sure if this is because i am not very good in social situations, or that perhaps I am a bit unusual? Home water births, co-sleeping and an interest in the continuum concept is not unusual right? i'm not evangelical about any of it or anything.

Can I say that when I talk to people and it turns out we have different ideas I an always positive and interested in their choice so I dont' think I am coming across as judgy. I certainly don't feel judgy in the slightest.

OP posts:
InMyLittleHead · 03/12/2009 19:17

YANBU. The only thing you have in common with these women is that you're all pregnant. You don't have to bond or anything. Tbh it sounds like a positive breeding ground for competition and paranoia. Don't worry about it too much.

thedollshouse · 03/12/2009 19:21

I think perhaps you are thinking in to it too much. After all the local midwifery unit isn't a million miles away from a homebirth.

I never really enjoyed the ante natal meet-ups. They were all perfectly nice people but I had nothing in common with any of them and felt like a fish out of water. Everyone always says that the friends you make at ante natal classes will be friends for life. Its too much pressure. I didn't make any friends there but continued to go to the meet ups thinking that I must be some sort of weirdo and feeling left out as it was becoming obvious that friendships within the group were blossoming.

5 years down the line I have loads of "mum" friends. I just didn't meet them at ante natal class.

lovechoc · 03/12/2009 19:24

It's the NCT, no offence but that's the reason I went to NHS classes - everyone was more or less in the same boat and came from all walks of life. Didn't feel judged atall on my choices. Made very good friends and three years later still in touch with them.

That's good that you are able to enjoy listening to others choices without feeling the need to judge aswell. Give it time, perhaps after a few sessions everyone will warm to each other, or perhaps not. It's not compulsory that you all become friends.

GrendelsMum · 03/12/2009 19:24

Maybe they (totally illogically and ridiculously) see you as doing it 'better' than them, by having a home birth, and that makes them feel a bit (illogically) crap? You might come across to people who are already feeling nervous as more chilled and in some way 'better mummy'?

As InMyLittleHead says, you don't need to bond with them if they aren't your type.

And they obviously haven't looked into it themselves if they're going on about mess.

2ChildrenPlusLA · 03/12/2009 19:26

LOL. Imagine if one of them was having a homebirth too. Even if they were a member of the BNP you'd be motivated to talk to them above the others because you want to find out their details and get some affirmation that what you are doing is right for you and exchange worries and hopes.

It's early days. Don't fret about the bonding/friendships. You'll be doing lots of small group work etc and you'll probably find one person that you get along with better than the others. Start with just that one and be friendly. Ask her a lot of questions and be interested in the answers. You'll get there.

heartofgold · 03/12/2009 19:26

you sound like me tbh your views are massively in the minority (certainly more so irl than on mn). i think being slightly reserved will mean even if you shared more views with your classmates you might feel not quite part of the group, i think that's in the nature of shyness.

i'm still in intermittent touch with my group 7 years on, i like them, we have other things in common outside the childrearing sphere and it was a good support in the immediate postnatal period. be aware though that you will probably feel increasingly different to them as time goes on and you may feel that they are judging/questioning your choices and you will do the same, it's just part of the process of learning to be a parent, but it may feel quite raw at times.

i recommend being open to the nct group, but not putting all your eggs in one basket - join other groups, see if you can make other friends who share your general outlook. have you seen the iwantmymum forums? that might be a good place to start.

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:28

Hehe.

You are hoping to have a homebirth.

Original poster
Southwestwhippet · 03/12/2009 19:28

It is so true about the 'friends for life" thing...!!! I never thought about it that way but I have been putting myself under a lot of pressure to 'get on' with this group.

I'm sure I will meet lots of lovely mums as my baby grows, I think I will just chill out about the ante-natal group and just see what happens. thank you

OP posts:
2ChildrenPlusLA · 03/12/2009 19:30

amia - what on earth was THAT post for.

lovechoc · 03/12/2009 19:31

good point amialoneinthisone. sadly we don't always get the birth we want.

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:31

Sorry, I told everyone I was "having a homebirth" too.

I ended up with an emcs.

It's just good to keep an open mind, that's all.

2ChildrenPlusLA · 03/12/2009 19:33

Nope. It's good to keep an optimistic mind especially if you are aiming for a homebirth.

Things don't always work out the way you want them too, but a homebirth is more likely to be successful if you are not worrying that it might not work out iygwim.

heartofgold · 03/12/2009 19:34

the op says she is "hoping to have a homebirth"

i hoped to have a homebirth twice, didn't happen, not bitter

Morloth · 03/12/2009 19:35

Join a yoga class. Everyone in mine is either having a homebirth or thinking about it or going for a MLU and insisting on minimal intervention etc.

A bunch of dippy hippies, is lovely and we have really nice herbal tea and fruit afterwards - though sometimes, there are biscuits.

GibbonInARibbon · 03/12/2009 19:35

not bitter much animal?

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:35

My point, is that she might end up with more in common with them than she thinks.

I wanted a homebirth and ended up with an emcs just like the woman in my class who was deadset on an epidural did. We bonded over that massively.

No one knows how any of it's going to go - there's absolutely no point in seeing barriers over something that hasn't even happened yet.

lovechoc · 03/12/2009 19:35

I pondered at the idea of a water birth at home in the first trimester but changed my mind (cynical natured) and thankfully so as I had a labour that was slow to progress and ended up with a third degree tear to top it all off. not exactly how I thought it was going to be but there you go, life is like that for some of us.

hopefully though OP will get the birth she dreams of, but also be prepared for anything to happen too. Be prepared to think outside the box, it can happen to anyone.

I was considered a 'straightforward' case but it didn't end up that way.

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:36

Not bitter at all gibbon, thanks.

What about you?

Original poster
Southwestwhippet · 03/12/2009 19:36

I did put hoping

I've got two mates who opted for home births, one who ended up having an elective CS as baby transverse, one who went in and had an EMCS so I do know that a home birth is not a given!

Interesting to hear that my views are in the minority irl if not on MN, actually that is kinda reassuring as it explains a few things. I did have the impression from on here that the things I thought were pretty average. Note to self: The internet does not reflect real life !!!!

OP posts:
purpleturtle · 03/12/2009 19:36

And don't forget, there are those who intend to go to hospital to give birth, and end up too short of time and have an uplanned homebirth - admittedly, less likely perhaps with a first baby, but it still happens.

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:37

The OP also says:

"I'm the only person in my ante-natal NCT class who is having a home birth."

2ChildrenPlusLA · 03/12/2009 19:37

Oh I see.Yes that's a very good point when you put it that way.

It's just that there is no place for negativity in the run up to the birth.

GibbonInARibbon · 03/12/2009 19:38

Your orginal post was very sarky animal that's all. You are right no one knows what will happen but thinking positive can never hurt surely?

nickytwotimes · 03/12/2009 19:38

I'd have thought home birth would've been the majority at NCT, not the other way about. Maybe I was just unlucky at being judged for wanting to go to a midwife unit.

Fwiw, I couldn't give a fig where other people chose or end up giving birth.

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:39

Yes, it is a good point.

But everyone else do feel free to carry on in attack dog mode.