to feel a bit 'odd one out' in my NCT classes

[Southwestwhippet]

I'm not 'wierd' am I? Like a lot of people I did the NCT classes predominately to make friends - but I feel a bit of an odd one out in my group.

I'm the only person in my ante-natal NCT class who is having a home birth. Not that it matters in the slightest where people choose to give birth but on the first week we were all nervously chatting and one very nice woman looked round our group and said confidentally

"so, we're all going to [local midwife unit] aren't we". Cue everyone saying
"yes, of course" except me who piped up quietly saying I was hoping to have a home birth.

I felt that the group was pretty shocked by this and I had a lot of questions like
"aren't you nervous things might go wrong?"
"aren't you worried about mess?".

Since then, although I have made lots of effort to chat and be friendly, I've felt that although they are all pleasant they see me as not quite proper/not one of them. I'm not sure if this is because i am not very good in social situations, or that perhaps I am a bit unusual? Home water births, co-sleeping and an interest in the continuum concept is not unusual right? i'm not evangelical about any of it or anything.

Can I say that when I talk to people and it turns out we have different ideas I an always positive and interested in their choice so I dont' think I am coming across as judgy. I certainly don't feel judgy in the slightest.

I think it's probably best to think the worst actually, that way you won't be disappointed when things actually DO work out well. It will be a bonus

Nice supportive post Ghouls

Don't worry they're just curious and it can be hard to imagine what other people are thinking when you've decided on a particular path and think it is best.

In my NCT group there was a definite whiff of "natural birth is better" and I could see one person was horrified at that idea and seemed to be just going along with everyone else. I mentioned this in passing later to some of the others and they had no idea that this person might have thought differently to them. Turns I out I was right when my friend described the best bit of her birthing experience as "when I got the epidural"

FWIW I was the only person in my NCT group to have a homebirth. I was the only one to wear my baby in a sling after the first couple of months. I was the only one to BLW.

I still see all of them and just agree to differ. Not one person has done exactly the same as another mum.

Viva la difference!

Supportive?

Was she looking for support?

I thought she wanted an opinion.

Sorry OP, were you after the delicate little flower treatment?

Oh God, parenthood is going to be like being back at school all over again isn't it? I just don't understand being judgy about stuff and I'm rubbish at it. TBH I'm mostly just not really interested enough in other people's lifestyles to get judgy (well, obviously if children are being neglected that is different)

[wonders if 33weeks is too late to change mind]

but tbh,antenatal is hopeful wish list.90% birth plan dont go to plan so regardless of what anyone you or anyone else says there is an is an element of no knows how birth will go until you are faced with your own labour
you say they are all pleasant so maybe accept that as your starting point.rather than perceived difference

and good luck with birth

i agree with ghouls actually, which is why i said that feeling of difference may get worse, and if you're sleep deprived could come to take on a totally disproportionate importance.

if that does become an issue then you can back off then, but i found having a few supportive friends online and irl made me more secure that although my choices were different from the majority of my group they weren't any less valid and they were right for me.

i still appreciated the company at the time, and every 6 weeks or so when it was my turn to host coffee it gave me a kick up the backside to do some housework too

Ghouls is speaking the truth!

If op doesn't like the look of ANYONE else in her NCT class - doesn't that say more about her than them? They are all just random strangers, they aren't ganged up in a group to oppose her.

"Since then, although I have made lots of effort to chat and be friendly, I've felt that although they are all pleasant they see me as not quite proper/not one of them."

Wtf is "one of them" supposed to mean?

I just find this all completely unlikely rubbish, I'm afraid.

(when i say supportive, i mean of a similar mindset re slings, cosleeping, bf, etc. etc.)

Actually I thought your post was being supportive ghoulsAreLoud. I figured you were saying if these women were acting judgy at this early stage, I was best to just chill out and not bother cos it'd only get worse later on!

And no, at no point do I think I have given the impression that I want to be treated like a delicate little flower.

Southwestwhippet "Oh God, parenthood is going to be like being back at school all over again isn't it?"

Pretty much, the trick is to learn not to give a damn and do what you want to do anyway.

Exactly, of course you don't.

bibbity (if you're still reading) op did say she's not overly socially confident, it can be a nervewracking situation to enter into, she's likely to be nervous about all kinds of things about impending motherhood, not least discovering that what she thought were reasonably mainstream ideas are actually putting her well into the lentil-weaver camp as far as (some) others are concerned. "unlikely rubbish" is a bit much.

YANBU I was in a similar NCT class. We were the only ones planning a home birth and we had an independent midwife plus I was doing yoga to help with the labour... So the first class was interesting!
However, we've all now had our babies and 5 out of 6 couple changed to a home birth over time. They made the same sort of comments as you about mess, pain relief etc but (I like to think) seeing me and DH so confident about it made them reconsider.

Right I'm getting confused now.

At no point have i said I don't like the look of anyone in my class. I have said that I feel like an odd one out.

I'm not sure what is meant by 'completely unlikely rubbish' TBH. Does that mean it sounds as if I am making stuff up? I have been nothing but straightforward and upfront on this thread, I have appologised for the badly worded sentance about 'having a home birth' and stressed repeatedly that I am open to the fact that lots of home births don't happen and I could well end up having something different.' I'm not sure why my post is 'unlikely rubbish'. At the end of the day, I am about to become a new mum for the first time and I am worried about many aspects of it. I am a stressful person anyway and I worry about lots of things

I have definately not suggested anyone has ganged up on me, nor set out to oppose me in my NCT group. In fact I have frequently stated that the people in the group are pleasant and friendly.

By 'not one of them' I mean, I feel as if the group as a whole sees me as a bit "different" due to what I initially considered to be a non-contentious issue (i.e. birth choice). I came on here, I suppose, to find out if choosing to hope for a home birth actually was unusual. I am relieved to read that it is not unusual. I am also relieved to read that lots of people don't find close friends at their ante-natal groups as this was sold to me as the main reason for attending and I was feeling a bit of a failure.

When I was pregnant with DD1, DH and I were the only ones in our NCT class planning a home birth. At the first meeting, when the teacher asked 'is anyone planning a home birth?' and we piped up, the reaction from the other couples was "gosh!" or "you're brave," and even "ooh, we couldn't do that could we, Darling?" We just smiled and said 'not really' to the "you're brave' comments and left it at that.

As the course continued we all got on well. Pleasantly enough that the atmosphere in the classes was relaxed and people talked openly during the discussions. I really 'clicked' with two of the other women and we became good friends. In fact, we still are, five years and several more children, later.

Not long after our first babies were born the three of us were having coffee and they told me that, on our first meeting, at the NCT class, they were a bit 'in awe' (their words not mine) of dh and I for our choice! They told me that they'd assumed at the time that we must hold really strong (i.e. alienating) views on birthing. For example, be anti-medical profession. Or, that we must be a bit 'over-confident' about something we'd never experienced. One of my friends also said that our choice made her and her husband examine their own assumption that hospital was the only option for a first birth and that 'muddled' their thinking a bit. She has since had her second child at home!

I think all first time mums-to-be are naturally a bit scared of the un-knowns of labour and childbirth (I certainly was) so when anyone announces they're doing something that is 'different' it can be a little disconcerting. Or at least, make you reflect on your own choices and wonder "would I do what they're doing?" I had never considered a water birth until other friends raved about their positive experiences of it. (I thought about it for DD2s home birth but decided it didn't seem right for me as I loathe getting cold while in water.)

Anyway, our choice to plan a home birth didn't stop us enjoying the ante-natal classes, nor did it prevent us from making friends there. The discussions that ensued in classes got all of us to open our minds to other options and choices. My friends admit that they didn't understand what motivated someone to choose to try for a home birth but, over the course of the classes and getting to know DH and I, they revised their initial judgments.

you will probably find you'll make the best of friends with people at free local postnatal groups aswell.

it is nerve-wracking being a first-time mum, many of us have been there. so glad you are able to be open-minded about the birth but also have your dreams too, there's nothing wrong with that

I'm lost too.

I thought this was a straightforward thread but it's all gone a bit crazy.

met much nicer mums at HV group post birth.but dont discount folk either.pg can be a bit of a wish list eg will do this/that/and refuse analgesia/do yoga/chant an incantation

basically,until you are faced with your own labour you wont know how it will go

do hope for your wish yes, but allow self to think circumstances may change

Thank you heartofgold for basically saying what I wanted to say in my post for but much better and shorter.

If feeling like the odd one out is the main concern, which it seems to be then it might be worth trying to prepare yourself re: breastfeeding.

If you're into continuum parenting I'm assuming you're planning to breastfeed for at least a year. You might (or might not, if you've looked at the stats) be surprised at how few people breastfeed for that length of time.

I only know one person in my immediate group of postnatal friends who b/f past 6 months - almost all of the people I met at toddler groups etc had stopped by 6 weeks.

Not trying to doom and gloom you, but you should probably prepare yourself that you might not know many people who breastfeed for long - or try to look for local breasfteeding groups to make more likeminded friends?

If continuum is your thing also maybe look for sling meets (they do exist! I was told about them on here).

by all means have preferences, but don't discount others if they don't BF or continuum etc. allow some diversity. do read up on other birth modes. allow the possibility you may deviate from plan.dont be too rigid

the hv groups are usually v local so you meet mums too

thanks goulsareloud - really helpful advice.

I'm not evangelical about continuum parenting but I am interested in it. My mum had 5 kids, I'm the oldest so I helped out a lot - she had home births, refused scans, co-slept, breastfed as long as she wanted... she actually warned me the other day that the things I had grown up with thinking as totally normal might not be a simple as I thought and were actually a bit unusual.

Sling meets sounds good, I love the idea of slings - whether it will work for me in practice i dont know but you have to have some basic ideas you like I think!

with regards to BF that is really interesting, I did not know that most people stopped much earlier that a year. I think I need to prepare myself for the fact that the things I think of as "normal" (i.e what I grew up with) are not as common practice as i thought.

yeah 'fraid you are weird after all