Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit 'odd one out' in my NCT classes

116 replies

Southwestwhippet · 03/12/2009 19:14

I'm not 'wierd' am I? Like a lot of people I did the NCT classes predominately to make friends - but I feel a bit of an odd one out in my group.

I'm the only person in my ante-natal NCT class who is having a home birth. Not that it matters in the slightest where people choose to give birth but on the first week we were all nervously chatting and one very nice woman looked round our group and said confidentally

"so, we're all going to [local midwife unit] aren't we". Cue everyone saying
"yes, of course" except me who piped up quietly saying I was hoping to have a home birth.

I felt that the group was pretty shocked by this and I had a lot of questions like
"aren't you nervous things might go wrong?"
"aren't you worried about mess?".

Since then, although I have made lots of effort to chat and be friendly, I've felt that although they are all pleasant they see me as not quite proper/not one of them. I'm not sure if this is because i am not very good in social situations, or that perhaps I am a bit unusual? Home water births, co-sleeping and an interest in the continuum concept is not unusual right? i'm not evangelical about any of it or anything.

Can I say that when I talk to people and it turns out we have different ideas I an always positive and interested in their choice so I dont' think I am coming across as judgy. I certainly don't feel judgy in the slightest.

OP posts:
lovechoc · 03/12/2009 19:39

"I'm the only person in my ante-natal NCT class who is having a home birth."

lovechoc · 03/12/2009 19:40

oops, cross posted there with you amialoneinthisone

Morloth · 03/12/2009 19:40

LOL purpleturtle I am planning a homebirth so I don't have a taxibirth instead.

Last time there was no pain (hypnobirthing) and my contractions never settled into any sort of pattern, i.e. 2 mins apart/5 mins apart/ 12 minutes apart/60 seconds apart/10mins apart/PUSH! Called hospital they said, "come in when you can't stand the pain any more or when the contractions are evenly spaced a couple of minutes apart" - not that helpful really.

tvfriend · 03/12/2009 19:42

I wouldn't worry. I still see all our NCT group but I don't think until you have the babies you really 'bond'. DD was early and so she was born way before all the others and I felt the odd one out because of that. A few weeks later you're all in the same boat. I found that all we talked about the first few weeks was baby stuff and going over the births in every tiny detail but it wasn't long before we managed to actually talk about something else a bit more interesting!
I bet if you manage to have a home birth they will all be dying to hear about it. Good luck!
(And you will meet other people other than the NCT lot)

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:42

And your first post was pure charm and loveliness Gibbon.

2ChildrenPlusLA · 03/12/2009 19:42

No. In my NCT there were 2 planning a MLU, 2 for an elcs, and 2 for a consultant led birth. No homebirths

chickbean · 03/12/2009 19:43

Or they may end up with an unexpected homebirth .

Original poster
Southwestwhippet · 03/12/2009 19:43

I really am trying to be prepared for anything to happen. I booked a tour of my local labour ward just the other day to familiarise myself with it if the homebirth doesn't happen. But of course at the ante-natal stage we are only able to discuss our 'hopes' as the actuality has not happened.

Maybe post birth we will have more in common, that would be really nice as I do like the women in my group, I just feel a bit 'left out' at times.

OP posts:
MiniMincemeat · 03/12/2009 19:44

I think it is just being in a new group where, as someone else said, the only thing you initially have in common is that you are all pregnant.

I was the only one in my class planning to have a homebirth too.

By 31 weeks I had changed my mind and wanted to go to the local birthing centre (and one of the others was going to go there too).

In the end I was not eligible for either as my waters broke, labour did not progress and I had to be induced at a different hospital altogether.

18 months on and I still meet my NCT group nearly every week, babysit for some of them every few weeks and go for girls' nights out from time to time. I still don't have much in common with all of them and sometimes I feel uncomfortable that we're an 'artificial' group...but mainly I'm just glad that I have a bunch of friends that know what I'm going through, that I shared a really special time with and that I know would help me if I needed them and I would do the same for them.

Give it time. It might work brilliantly, it might not. Just be yourself.

bibbitybobbityhat · 03/12/2009 19:45

I think its better to be realistic in the run up to birth, actually. We have so many threads about feelings of disappointment after failed home births. Don't feel bad about what you posted amialone.

2ChildrenPlusLA · 03/12/2009 19:45

You know, - a mlu is 'supposed' to be a homebirth with a car journey.

fizzpops · 03/12/2009 19:46

I was upset for months following the birth of my DD as I didn't feel I had bonded with the women from my NCT classes (the ones that met up regularly anyway). It made me feel upset every time I met them and protective of my daughter who I also felt wasn't fitting in because of me.

19 months after her birth I do still see them but I have met a much nicer group through classes DD and I do.

Try not to put any pressure on yourself things may change and it may be that they are thinking that if you are quiet that you are feeling superior to them and they think you would rather not talk to them.

Both choices are equally valid and not everyone has to have the same opinions to be friends with someone else - it isn't that much of a big deal surely?

GibbonInARibbon · 03/12/2009 19:47

That's me in a nutshell amialone

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:48

Aww....I preferred animal

Original poster
Southwestwhippet · 03/12/2009 19:49

Oh I see

"I am the only person in my group having a home birth"

I re-read my post about 20times looking for minor typos or silly mistakes that could lead to me not coming across how I intend.I really sorry, I missed that one. Sorry to everyone who has picked up on it for me

I meant to type hoping/planning a home birth. As I have said, I am more than aware that I may end up in the labour ward. I might also get to about 2cm, completely freak out and want to go in for an epidural. I don't know yet. But everyone has a birth plan right? An idea in their head about what they would like to happen? I'm not wrong to have that am I?

OP posts:
GibbonInARibbon · 03/12/2009 19:50

Of course there is pain and disappointment when things don't go to plan. I honestly just cannot see the point in preparing for the worst/not getting the birthing experience you hope for the whole pregnancy

2ChildrenPlusLA · 03/12/2009 19:50

'have so many threads about feelings of disappointment after failed home births.'

Now you see. I disagree with this. We have a lot of threads detailing disappointments of birth experiences, and many of them are MLU, but I don't often see homebirths.

santaschristmascakeywakey · 03/12/2009 19:50

^I had a lot of questions like
"aren't you nervous things might go wrong?"
"aren't you worried about mess?".^

Those are the things that they would be worried about, they're just projecting their fears about it onto you. Not very fair. If you were positive about their choice, they should have been the same way with you.

Don't worry about making friends at the group if you're not gelling with anyone, it really isn't a given. You'll have plenty of opportunities to make other Mum friends soon enough. I found all mine at my postnatal group

lolapoppins · 03/12/2009 19:51

I was dragged along to an NCT class by my friend. When I told them I was having ds by elective c/s I got death stares and though the nice NCT lady was going to cry. Never went back, funnily enough.

GibbonInARibbon · 03/12/2009 19:52

damn you noticed I wrote that

was hoping I had gotten away with that slip

Morloth · 03/12/2009 19:52

Nope not wrong at all.

ImSoNotTelling · 03/12/2009 19:53

My NCT group was AWFUL.

But after I had the baby I asked my HV about local post-natal group (on recommendation of a friend) and she pointed me in the right direction and it was MARVELLOUS.

So much easier to bond with people when you all have actual wriggly babies to look at. No shortage of conversation, everyone in the same boat (tired, worried about doing it right etc).

Local free post-natal group is my all-time top tip

GhoulsAreLoud · 03/12/2009 19:56

God you have so much to come that you could all be doing differently:

  • feeding method
  • weaning age
  • age that the baby first goes into their own room
  • age you first leave them with a babysitter
  • whether you do sleep training or not
  • routine freak or go-with-the-flow

ad bloody infinitum.

If you're having doubts already just over this one thing you may as well give it up as a bad job.

amialoneinthisone · 03/12/2009 19:58
Grin
secretskillrelationships · 03/12/2009 19:58

I had the same problem with my NCT group, TBH. The antenatal teacher had given me some brilliant support before I started the class but I was the only one planning a home birth (with an independent midwife as the NHS midwife attached to my GP practice was very anti home birth).

It never really worked. And, to be honest, it got worse after the birth of our babies. I'd only really joined to meet other women in the same position as I was pretty well read and didn't really learn anything I didn't already know from the classes.

The worst thing about the group was that one woman had the most horrendous birth for a huge number of reasons (including having to move out of her home days before the birth due to a flood). The trainee pointed out to the the group her need for support over the coming weeks. I was the only member of the group who even bothered to phone her.

We later found out that the rest of the group were meeting regularly but not inviting either of us (even though there had bbeen no suggestion previously that we didn't get on).

That said, even though we had completely different outlooks on life and completely different birth experiences (I gave birth at home with no intervention, she had the labour from hell ending in an emergency CS under GA), we became very good friends. She also came up with the best advice I've ever come across (from a book) - 'None of it appears on their CV'.

I also had a much better experience from the local NCT group I joined after the birth (which included none of those who had attended the antenatal classes). So, don't write it all off. I also found it really useful for making friends when I moved.

The other really useful group I joined, which made me feel much more 'normal' was an NCT home birth group which was fantastic. It was slightly outside my area as our local hospital was fantastic at supporting home birth (although it was my nearest hospital, I was outside it's 'area'!!!). The, not very local, La Leche League was much more 'normal' than I expected and a great source of support too.

That said, unfortunately, this is just the first stage I experienced in 'not fitting in' including being judged on allowing my child to go alone to the village shop by parents who feel that smacking is a reasonable way to set boundaries!

Welcome to parenthood!!