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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit 'odd one out' in my NCT classes

116 replies

Southwestwhippet · 03/12/2009 19:14

I'm not 'wierd' am I? Like a lot of people I did the NCT classes predominately to make friends - but I feel a bit of an odd one out in my group.

I'm the only person in my ante-natal NCT class who is having a home birth. Not that it matters in the slightest where people choose to give birth but on the first week we were all nervously chatting and one very nice woman looked round our group and said confidentally

"so, we're all going to [local midwife unit] aren't we". Cue everyone saying
"yes, of course" except me who piped up quietly saying I was hoping to have a home birth.

I felt that the group was pretty shocked by this and I had a lot of questions like
"aren't you nervous things might go wrong?"
"aren't you worried about mess?".

Since then, although I have made lots of effort to chat and be friendly, I've felt that although they are all pleasant they see me as not quite proper/not one of them. I'm not sure if this is because i am not very good in social situations, or that perhaps I am a bit unusual? Home water births, co-sleeping and an interest in the continuum concept is not unusual right? i'm not evangelical about any of it or anything.

Can I say that when I talk to people and it turns out we have different ideas I an always positive and interested in their choice so I dont' think I am coming across as judgy. I certainly don't feel judgy in the slightest.

OP posts:

ExplodingBananas · 05/12/2009 12:37

Would also add that sometimes people have ideas about baby care before having a baby that change as soon as they have to cope with the reality of having the baby.

Some of the other Mums may end up with their babies in slings all day long as some babies do not like to be put down, or you may take on some of the more traditional ways if they suit you and your baby.

Worth sticking it out to see how much you have in common once the babies are here.

RockinSockBunnies · 05/12/2009 12:45

My experience of my NCT antenatal classes was hilarious!

I was eighteen years old, just left school after A-levels, pregnant and the father had done a vanishing act. I went along to NCT classes with my mother. Guess who was there when we arrived.....my pottery teacher and history teacher (who were married to each other), with her expecting twins. I tell you, it was truly surreal discussing vaginal deliveries with one's teachers .

I was definitely the odd one out!

scottishmummy · 05/12/2009 22:36

eugh!too much information i say.very bizzare

commanderprimate · 09/05/2010 23:06

Actually, I'm doing an NCT course at the moment, and feel just the same - total odd one out. Everyone else is richer and more conservative than me, and I don't feel included at all in this group. Frankly it's been a huge waste of money. All they talk about is stuff they're going to buy for the baby, and how much they're worried about how they'll look in the first photos of the baby. I've been friendly and so forth but there doesn't seem to be much point, we have nothing whatsoever in common, and the whole thing's left me feeling pretty depressed.

I was also a bit suprised at their attitude to co-sleeping, or even having the baby in the same room. A few were starting to consider it, but still had the nursery all ready etc. Oh, and the venue was a nightmare to get to without a car, not very easy for non-drivers like me.

Olifin · 09/05/2010 23:30

Aww, my NCT lot were on my wavelength but they were (are) all minted in comparison to me. Lawyers, dentists, architects etc.

Lovely bunch of people though and THANK you for posting this thread as it has prompted me to get in touch with them after a long time of no contact. We all have two children each now and are often too busy to keep in touch.

OP; give it a chance, you may become great friends with some or all of them; or you may not. But you'll find some other like-minded peeps along the way. All the best for your birth and I hope you get your HB wish.

Longtalljosie · 10/05/2010 07:43

I remember thinking at my NCT class at first that I had very little in common with these people - after all, you're all just thrown in together.

And when you all meet up after the birth, you'll discover you all did it slightly differently. We had two EMCS, two vaginal with caesarian, two vaginal without.

But after a while the thing you've all got in common is that you're first-time parents. You will have loads to talk about, honestly. I love all my NCT friends now!

Tryharder · 10/05/2010 07:46

I think YABU actually. You are the one who feels that you are the odd one out because you want a homebirth and intend to co-sleep etc etc. Have you actually been excluded from things??? Personally, I don't make friends on the basis of whether or not they or I co-sleep or how they gave birth. These are not important things.

IME, a lot of mums who do the homebirth/co sleeping thing actually see themselves as superior to other mums: e.g.

Mum #1: "Oh well, I had gas and air, pethidine, epidural, the works and then an emcs - it was a pretty horrific experience"

Mum #2: [smug] "Well, I gave birth at home, totally natural birth with a bit of whale music and hypnotherapy"

You should come along to my local LLL meeting - they do a great line in "hippy" parenting oneupmanship (word of advice - never admit to using baby jars or serving oven chips, you will never be spoken to again)

Lonnie · 10/05/2010 08:56

to be truthful this has nothing to do with it being a NCT class

I have 4 children 3 were planned as homebirths (2 were homebirths 1 a transfer) EVERY TIME that occurs you are like you have 2 heads when you dare to say you want a homebirth.

now in OP's case she will likely find that some of her friends from this course will go on to have homebirth 2nd time around..

Take a big huge step over it smile brightly when people do the arent you scarred and state no not at all I feel it is safe are you scarred about going to the local midwifery unit?

and then generally get to know these people you may be surprised there may well be women you will make friends with for the rest of your life..

oh and if you do NHS clases be prepared for the odd one out feeling there too

sianimac · 10/05/2010 09:24

I felt a bit odd one out in my NCT class too... I was in the same situation, the only one planning a home birth. Alas, it didn't go to plan but I did labour at home and would plan a homebirth again.

My DD is now 3months old and we meet once a week with our NCT group. Once your child arrives your birthplan won't be a big discussion point.

Remember there are loads of groups for new mums if you don't gel with NCT group. Breastfeeding groups might be a bit more chilled.

Olifin · 10/05/2010 09:29

I'm quite surprised to see HB seems to be out of the ordinary in NCT groups. Out of 7 of us in my NCT group, 3 were planning HBs. Mind you, this was Brighton which I think has a very high HB rate.

ImSoNotTelling · 10/05/2010 09:35

Haven't read the whole lot but wanted to say quickly to OP

I didn't get on with the nct ante-natal bunch well and the NHS group didn't arrange any meet ups and like you I was a bit concerned as i thought that the point of these things was to make some "friends" with babies due at the same time.

friend recommended post-natal group (ask teh HV if they do it in your area) and it was fab. Much easier to break the ice/get on when you've all got new babies to look at and are sharing sleep deprivation and new mum worries.

They were a lovely bunch and we all met regularly after the course finished etc. was great.

belgo · 10/05/2010 09:37

Antenatal classes are usually followed by first time parents -to-be.

It is very unusual to [plan a home birth for your first birth, even if you believe in 'natural' birthing.

No-one in my antenatal course planned a home birth for their first child but two of us have since gone on to having home births.

Asking if you are nervous and asking about the mess are valid questions.

Have you spoken to them about co-sleeping etc or are you just assuming that because none of them are planning a home birth they are usually not planning on attachment parenting?

You will find that their (and our) opinions will form and reform when their babies are born anyway. Don't judge them just yet.

belgo · 10/05/2010 09:39

just realised this thread is six months old - Southwestwhippet - did you get your home birth?

ImSoNotTelling · 10/05/2010 09:41

Oh GOD

I thought it looked familiar

Have just looked through and I have posted exactly the same thing as I did 6 months ago

belgo · 10/05/2010 09:41

zebedeethezebra · 10/05/2010 10:34

Think you're being a bit over-sensitive OP. Forget about what sort of birth each of you wants and just try to get to know them as people. They will also be wanting to get to know you, so don't worry about it.

But make sure your NCT teacher covers those things that you want more info about, such as home birthing. The others will probably also be interested to hear about it too. One of my NCT fellows decided to have a home birth half way through my NCT course: people are generally more open minded than you think.

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