to feel a bit 'odd one out' in my NCT classes

[Southwestwhippet]

I'm not 'wierd' am I? Like a lot of people I did the NCT classes predominately to make friends - but I feel a bit of an odd one out in my group.

I'm the only person in my ante-natal NCT class who is having a home birth. Not that it matters in the slightest where people choose to give birth but on the first week we were all nervously chatting and one very nice woman looked round our group and said confidentally

"so, we're all going to [local midwife unit] aren't we". Cue everyone saying
"yes, of course" except me who piped up quietly saying I was hoping to have a home birth.

I felt that the group was pretty shocked by this and I had a lot of questions like
"aren't you nervous things might go wrong?"
"aren't you worried about mess?".

Since then, although I have made lots of effort to chat and be friendly, I've felt that although they are all pleasant they see me as not quite proper/not one of them. I'm not sure if this is because i am not very good in social situations, or that perhaps I am a bit unusual? Home water births, co-sleeping and an interest in the continuum concept is not unusual right? i'm not evangelical about any of it or anything.

Can I say that when I talk to people and it turns out we have different ideas I an always positive and interested in their choice so I dont' think I am coming across as judgy. I certainly don't feel judgy in the slightest.

Agreed scottishmummy - one of the reasons I came on here was to 'lurk' and read about all different ideas to help inform my own. What is nice about this forum is that everyone has their baby's best interests at heart, they have all made informed choices so you can learn all about the pros and cons of different ideas. I actually only found out about the continuum concept when I asked a question about co-sleeping!

I'm definately not going to 100% continuum anyway because frankly, I need to drive my car up to see to my horse everyday... plus my parents live miles out in the middle of nowhere. I just like some of the ideas.

Right, I think I have taken from this that homebirths are not as common as I thought, some people will always think you are wierd what ever you decide and the best solution is to ignore it and quietly carry on doing things the way that works for you and your baby.

I'm going to log off now. cheers for the support, I feel much more confident.

Pregnancy and being a new mum can bring out the competitive side in many women. The woman who said "everyogiving birth at the midwifery unit" sounds a bit smug to me too be honest. She was propably hoping that someone would confess to going to the consultant unit so she could look down on them and be judgy.

However you've trumped her with a homebirth and she's now a bit peeved.

She'll get over it. Hopefully you'll find a baby and mum group which is a bit more you.

I never made any friends either at classes or baby groups. But then I am very antisocial. Like others have said just 'cos yo're all pregnant does not mean you have anything else in common

Definitely don't give up on people until after the babies arrive, but also find out about other places to meet new parents. There are NCT postnatal groups which you can go to when pregnant (i now run the one i joined when on mat leave with dc2, loads of lovely open-minded local mums and dads), also groups at childrens centres or clinics (met a group of fanastic friends at our surestart baby cafe, can't recommend that initiative highly enough). You'll find people you 'click' with and it won't necessarily be those who give birth and feed babies the same way as you do so I'd definitely advise to keep as open a mind as you'd hope from others!
good luck with the homebirth too, I had one 2nd time round and it was wonderful (I survived hospital first time though too)

you need to find yourself a more specialised group of mums - try google groups for sling meets or attachment parenting groups. there will be a few around. it's good to have a few people around you who think the same kind of way as you and might give you more confidence with your choices when you meet mums at weaning groups/bf groups/playgroups. not that all your friends need to do things the same way as you - it's just sometimes mums are a bit more judgemental about other mums doing things differently.

nct can be a bit like playing top trumps and a hb tops a mlu so they're bound to feel their noses pushed out of joint (slightly tongue in cheek)

sorry i disagree,dont seek out mums on sling wearing basis.attend local groups,were you meet local folk and have chance of sustaining a friendship

dont define yourself as a mum by wearing a sling

i met another mum i still see.she is wonderful
she co-slept - i had seperate nursery
she had sling- i had pram
she sahm - i work ft

let friendship develop

does your friend know anyone else who uses a sling/co-sleeps etc though scottishmummy? cos depending on where you live, you can be made to feel the weirdy one of the playgroup if you're the only one doing things differently from the norm.

mind you - I do agree with you in part - op can meet loads of people through local playgroups and in the greater scheme of things who cares if your mates are pushing prams/using dispies/weaning at x months or all the other competitive little points new mums like to score at times. it's just that sometimes if everyone else around you thinks you're mad, it's good to touch base with a few other like minded people.

Brilliant - just how I felt, I kept quiet about the fact that we were doing hypno birthing as well as I thought we might have been stoned!
One year on and we still meet weekly andwe have formed some good friendships. They have told me how mad / brave that they thought we were.
Like any new situation it takes time to make friends and everyone is hoping that their choices will be accepted.
Good luck with the home birth, it was amazing for us despite my MIL saying we were lucky not to kill the baby How helpful!

the really weird thing about google groups as well is that half the time the people you meet turn out to live about 3 streets away from you but you'd never have met otherwise - is very strange

a sling is only a product not a deep defining statement

defining self by products is irrational.you cant assume because one doesn't use sling they are not your sort of person

new mums friends chose on basis
are they kind
empathic
funny
do you get on
who cares if they wear a sling

Just wanted to add my experiences of NCT classes. While going to them I thought I had nothing at all in common with these people. As I don't come from the area where I live I felt a bit of a failure.

In my group only 1 other couple were planning a hospital birth - and that was because they had problems with the development of their baby and knew they would need more care when he was born. Even they chose the local midwife led unit. I was adamant I was going to have mine in the local hospital with access to an epidural if I wanted one and felt that the others looked down on me for my choice.

They all met up when we had had our babies but mine was a full month after the next youngest baby so they had already met up quite a few times before I managed to get myself out.

I have to say, a year on, I am SO glad I gave it a shot as I have made 3 very good friends from it. We really do look out for each other and the support of having someone who is going through exactly what you are, when you are is invaluable.

Of course, if you really do feel you have nothing in common with them, you are completely within your rights to find friends elsewhere. There are so many groups out there and making friends is really easy. Just compliment a mum on her baby ... guaranteed to make you friends!

Good luck with the birth and I hope that you are happy with how it goes. I should add that all of the people who wanted home births had them. Perhaps statistically uncommon ... oh, and I had an epidural (blimmin fantastic!!)

Had to let you know my NCT experience. I also felt a bit of an outsider during the classes as I know that I would have a very medical birth because of health issues and would be induced early. I felt that this went against the NCT principles but I wanted to meet other mums. From our group we were all very different and had very different births. 6 years on we all still regularly meet up and I would class them as my best friends. Despite having hugley medical interventionist births I am passionate about BF and co slept and used a sling. What I am saying is that what you may think of someone at the outset is just the start and you may find you have much more in common with them as time progresses. FWIW my 'best friend' from the group had a home birth. I remember being suprised when I met her as I hadn't considered it as an option but I was also jealous as I know it wasn't an option for me - wish I could have done it more naturally but I am grateful to have had healthy babies and method of birth doesn't define you as a parent. Enjoy the classes and enjoy making new friends whereever you meet them once your baby has arrived.

lol scottishmummy i can tell you have not posted on a sling forum before - believe me it is quite possible to get obsessive about such things .

you're right of course - defining by products is ridiculous but pretty common in our consumerist society but I 'think' the sling obsession is more to do with the type of parent who might choose to carry their child all day etc - so is really shorthand for attachment parenting groups.

it's more a confidence building thing (determined to defend my suggestion now ) tbh. I don't want to depress the op tbh but it is possible that, eg, long term bf, might be met with utter horror by a fair number of mums, and it's nice to have a few people who live locally who actually don't think you're a complete loon

sling forum?cycling christ!what next tight wearing forum

is like when folk post i hate bugaboo's as if they are a statement.only a pricey pram goes backwards and forwards.that is all

all i say is dont define self as mum by products or right on ideological chuff

YANBU, I think this is common.

If you can stick it though, you'll have more in common after the birth and that will overwhelm other differences for awhile. And nice to have people who are at the same stage.

But I feel the same, I'm in NCT group and they're all a lot younger than me and on their first baby and I'm so busy with my two that I just can't go regularly.

But for first baby, it may be worth hanging on to see if it's good post natally, the world can look very different on the other side!

scottishmummy - am loving the idea of tight wearing forum - bet there is one somewhere on google

LOL undoubtedly.

Whippet- you might just be imagining things. I tend to do the same thing when it comes to new groups of people. In my antenatal group, I was the odd one out, in the sense that I was absolutely planning on having an epidural. (I've spent my entire adult life terrified of giving birth- to the point of being completely irrational about it.) I did get one in the end, but I did also hold out a lot longer than I would have ever dreamed possible.

I digress. We all have our plans for what we're going to do. One of the other women in the group was blunt about planning on formula-feeding. I know she felt like a bit of an outcast for this, but again, I think that was mostly in her own head. The rest of us breastfed but I know no one made any comment to her about it. (I do know that, with every mum who switched to formula, she'd make a comment publicly about not 'being the only one' etc. And hell, now I'm the only one still BFing at 9 months, I suppose I could worry about that being weird. argh haha)

I guess I'm just saying, there's all kinds of things you'll get to worry about along the way. There's no law saying you need to fit in with these women. My antenatal group has turned out to be a lovely group of women, but the local Surestart group I joined after the birth has been completely different. Nice, but not terribly interesting. (hell, they probably feel the same about me. who cares) It's not the end of the world if this group doesn't work out. You'll have loads of chances after the baby is born to meet more mums at other groups!

good luck.

We had a break away group after the babies came of just 5 of us who met up at each others houses and pissed ourselves laughing at the NCT mothers, who most had c-sections, bottle fed and smacked their 12 month olds hands.
None of which would have been so bad if they hadn't harped on about whale music, candles and going with the surges for 8 weeks prior to giving birth so yes we judged and loved it :D

the one thing my nct teacher said that i felt was a good way to look at things was that it was about choices - eg your first choice is a home birth, if you are unable to do this then would your second choice be a mlu? or just regular delivery/ maternity unit?
if you are planning as little intervention as possible then great but maybe start with if you feel pain your first choice is say a tens machine, then g&a, then whatever. would you prefer to be allowed to tear or have an episiotomy? etc etc.if you had to have an emcs then make some plans for that too. take control, cascade your choices.
fwiw i am the only one in my nct group who uses a sling (some of the others used baby bjorn style ones at the begining but i still use a ring sling with ds who is 2) as well as a pushchair, but equally i formula fed after about 8 weeks or so and one of my nct friends bf for a year. we were all quite wary of each other to begin with but we get on really well now although we are all very different. give it a go and enjoy other groups too. good luck with the birth by the way.

love all the terms sling wearing,cloth bum attached to my hip mum

i was starbucks drinking pizza eatin blockbuster fiend

sling wearing is the only bit i do, but it is quite cosy
and wow, the change in your own attitude pre and post baby is amazing. all the things you used to worry about seem somewhat pointless now (well most of 'em anyway) and birth is such a personal experience. i read loads and was still quite shocked when the whole thing actually happened and quite frankly noone should judge anyone on their birth experience. you have to do what is right for you.

I think it depends where you live regarding the 'normality' of breast feeding. I had to stop at 7 weeks but definitely felt 'abnormal' for doing so. Everyone I knew before DD was born or who I have met since (bar one mother) started to breast feed and some (about 20%?) have kept it going up to a year on. At least 50% were still bf after 6 months.

Just goes to show there is always something that will make you different.

I felt very much the odd one out in my NCT classes, I was the only one who didn't live in a large detached house and didn't own a car, meaning a couldn't get to the postnatal meet-ups unless I had a lift (one kind person did take me once or twice).

It's always hurtful when you don't seem to fit in, for whatever reason. Don't expect too much from the NCT group - I know it's hard because those classes cost £££. Once the birth is over you might find you have more in common with them and more to talk about.

You can't categorise people as "home birth" or "non-home birth" because the birth is actually such a short time (though it doesn't feel that way when you're going through it!) Hope it goes well and you get the home birth you're hoping for!