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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a twinge of jealousy about people who have a DS and a DD?

55 replies

Ceebee74 · 30/11/2009 21:10

It is funny as I have 2 DS's and that is exactly what me and DH both wanted. We are both agreed that our family is now complete and I really don't have a mad desire for a DD.

But when I hear of friends/acquaintances having one of each, I do feel a little bit but can't explain why. Is it because this mix of DC is always viewed as ideal/perfect?

OP posts:
pregnantpeppa · 30/11/2009 21:12

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hollybrainfestivepants · 30/11/2009 21:12

I also have 2 DSs and no desire for a DD, but I have heard the DD/DS combo described as 'perfect' many times.

Tis bollocks - - ignore it. Your family is perfect cos they're your family .

CoteDAzur · 30/11/2009 21:14

We have a DD and a DS. I would have been just as happy with 2 girls, but for some reason I can't explain, if we had 2 boys, I would probably badger DH to try for a girl.

octopusinabox · 30/11/2009 21:15

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susiey · 30/11/2009 21:28

I have a ds and a dd and I was one of a family just the same
and one of the reasons I feel my family isn't complete is that all the families I know with same sex siblings boys and girls are really close.

don't know why people have this thing about one of each!

ReneRusso · 30/11/2009 21:30

YANBU. I think it is natural to feel that even though you know your family is perfect. I have 2 DDs and expecting my 3rd DD. I agree that having children of the same sex is great. There is an expectation from friends and family that we are disappointed to be having another girl. It's quite annoying, and I wish I could say I didn't care, but I have to be honest and say I have mixed feelings. I sort of am a bit wistful that I won't ever have a boy.

losingtheplotthisweek · 30/11/2009 21:33

I have a DS & 2 DD's. When pregnant with DD2 a number of people asked me why I was having another when I'd got one of each.

My sister has 3 DS's,and since having DS2 and even more so DS3, has had comments such as 'what a shame', and 'are you going to try for another'. My youngest nephew had a rare blood clotting disorder at birth and was lucky to survive. These comments were met with blistering retorts from my sister who was advised not to risk another baby.

The grass often seems greener but I'm sure you wouldnt swap either of your beautiful DS's.

But having said all that, I wouldnt say YABU, I think most of us have twinges of , just that we have it for different things...full nights sleep anyone??!!

thesecondcoming · 30/11/2009 21:33

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teameric · 30/11/2009 21:34

I have a DS and DD and I've had people say to me "oh you won't want anymore will you, now you've got one of each"

PotPourri · 30/11/2009 21:34

Have also heard that. One mum said to another at our toddlers group "aren't we clever managing to have a girl then a boy" - lot of tosh. I made sure I said the next week in her earshot to another mum who had 2 girls like me (at the time) "it's great to have 2 of the same sex isn't it? They just wouldn't have the same chance to be best friends otherwise". I do kinda believe that, and was pleased to have a second girl.

I just don't get how people think one arrangement is better than others. Like people thinking boys are better than girls (or opposite)

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/11/2009 21:38

Ceebee - how old are your boys ?

I ask because I definitely went through a little dip with my two boys a couple of years ago (they are now 6 and 9). At that time, it all seemed to be about noise and wrestling and I was finding it a bit hard to understand the physical stuff (I was not like that as a girl, and I sort of assumed it was a "boy" thing)

BUT, that was just a blip, and actually I'm really glad to have two of the same sex, and especially two boys. They are actually very different to each other, but the ways in which they are similar are great fun.

I was actually a bit scared of having a boy and a girl (I have a brother), because I think the temptation there is to gender-stereotype them - and make assumptions about them that are based on gender, rather than them as individuals.

Mishy1234 · 30/11/2009 21:40

I always wanted boys. I think it comes from my best friend being from a family of 5 boys. Their house was fantastic and they had an aeroplane engine and propeller in their hall. I LOVED going there to play with all the fascinating stuff. Their Mum loved having me as I think she always wanted a girl.

I've never understood the desire to have 'one of each'. I've always thought that families with more than one of the same are really lovely. We had another family in our street which had 6 girls. It was great seeing them trooping to and from school together.

mollybob · 30/11/2009 21:45

I am glad to have one of each - not because that is somehow cleverer or better but because my DS and my DD are fab and I wouldn't want to not know either of them. Am pg with DC3 and have no preference as I just want someone else to get to know and love.

boolifooli · 30/11/2009 21:47

I think it is an outdated ideal. My sister, when expecting her 2nd, and having been told it was a boy, and she had a dd said 'I can't believe it's a boy, I'm not that lucky'? WTF? Fred and Rose West had boys and girls and I sincerely hope that if there is some higher power deciding who is 'lucky' or deserving enough to get a mixed family, that they wouldn't have viewed the Wests as qualifying. I have 3 girls and a boy and you love them for their uniqueness, you're not missing out on anything with just one sex as they are all so wildly different.

reservejudgement · 30/11/2009 22:09

Well, Cote, after ds1 and ds2 I did badger dh and now have ds3 and ds4! ( yeah, I know, serves me right!) I do love my boys, though and would definitely not exchange them now that I have given them a test drive!

Ceebee, I think it is not because "one of each" is actually desirable but that the general perception is that men want boys and women want girls, therefore if you have "one of each" then you will both be happy and neither partner will pester the other to "go again"
BUT this is NOT the case with you! I remember one of my friends had 2 boys saying proudly "I wanted boys and I got boys!" If I were you, I would practice saying that loudly!

AnyFucker · 30/11/2009 22:22

I have one of each

I do feel lucky, tbh

I always wanted a girl, she was the first, so whatever came after that was ok

Tbh though, neither of them have fulfilled any gender stereotypes I might have subscribed to...so there ya go, you get what you get

Although it is an enormous cliche, my main concern was that they are both happy and healthy

randomimposter · 30/11/2009 22:26

I have a DS, and am TTC#2. In many ways I would love another DS, but if it was a pink one, that would be great too.

If I had a DD, I think I would definitely want a DS... so would have been disappointed with 2DD. So am the same (but opposite to) Cote....

I think there can be a lot of smugness with the "perfect" DS/DD combos... actually I think lots of people have a second child ONLY to make their family conventional... 2DCs is a bit perfect isn't it? That's why I would really love 3.... Think I have left it a bit late though...

VengefulKitty · 30/11/2009 22:28

I have a DS and really, really want a DD. This is not because it is seen as 'the ideal nuclear family' or whatever.

It is completely selfish of me, but I desperately wanted a boy first and got my wish. I love him to bits and would not wish to change anything for the world.

But now I want a DD so that I can 'do the girly thing' and get pretty dresses and the like .

And knowing my luck I'd get a tomboy so those fantasies would go flying out the window!!!

Eddas · 30/11/2009 22:30

I have one of each and the only reason i'm glad is that people assume I don't want anymore 'since you have one of each' I can honestly say I never wished for one of each,I wanted 2 children. People always assumed when i was pregnant the 2nd time that dh would be hoping for a boy as we had dd already, but acutally he hoped for a 2nd dd.

There is no perfect family, just what's right for you.

But YANBU to feel as someone else said we all feel like that for some reason or another.

AnyFucker · 30/11/2009 22:31

how can you be smug though about the combination you get ?

it's not like you had any say/influnece in the matter is it ?

unless you used sex selection techniques (which are pretty much still 49/51% chances of girl/boy) then you get what you are given...

Eddas · 30/11/2009 22:33

also, I find it odd that so many people who have either 2 dd's or 2 ds's go for the 3rd just to try for the other one. To have 3 dc, for me, would be a huge decision, based on much more than wanting a boy/girl.

Maybe I feel that way because I have one of each anyway so I wouldn't be trying for either sex IYSWIM

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/11/2009 22:36

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PacificDogwood · 30/11/2009 22:37

I recently learnt that the 2 child family with boy first, daughter second is also known as a "Gentleman's Family" ...

What a load of cobblers! I have 3 boys, expecting DS4 and am loving the idea of a pack of wild things running around together.

Having said that, I do understand that "twinge" you describe, OP, I get it as well at times. Doesn't last, doesn't really mean anything, I suppose it is just a "what if..?"

reservejudgement · 30/11/2009 22:46

Pacific, I get that twinge walking through the girls section in Next. Luckily, the good people in Next make nice boys clothes too so I don't have to walk too far to feel better!

Momino · 30/11/2009 22:59

I always wanted boys and have 3 DD's instead. I love them very much and wouldn't trade them for anything. But, part of me is a bit wistful about not having a boy. I also hated the comments from people about being disappointed with another girl (dd3 is gorgeous btw).

reservejudge,

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