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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a twinge of jealousy about people who have a DS and a DD?

55 replies

Ceebee74 · 30/11/2009 21:10

It is funny as I have 2 DS's and that is exactly what me and DH both wanted. We are both agreed that our family is now complete and I really don't have a mad desire for a DD.

But when I hear of friends/acquaintances having one of each, I do feel a little bit but can't explain why. Is it because this mix of DC is always viewed as ideal/perfect?

OP posts:

coralanne · 30/11/2009 23:01

I have one of each, now grown up. Yes we did have fun doing the girly thing and roughing it at the footy. My DS was always much more affectionate than DD. Both went to single sex schools. Looking back I think I would send them to co-ed as it was like having two only child families.Looking back I think if you are only going to have children, you might be better off with two of the same sex. DD has 4, 3DD and 1 DS. Luckily DS is number 2 so she doesn't get the comments "Oh you kept going until you got a boy" My brother has two boys. When the second one was born they stopped. If he had been a girl they may have tried for another boy as he was one boy with 5 sisters and he didn't want his son to grow up without a brother. Best friend has 3 brothers and she thinks I am so lucky to have so many sisters.

mollybob · 30/11/2009 23:14

i really just wanted boys - I was that DD after 2 DS and a total tomboy so my mum didn't get the whole girly experience! Not until I had DD. I've discovered a whole new girly side to me since we had her. DS isn't at all interested in sport so if I could choose I'd have DS2 in May as DH and I love football and rugby and the rough and tumble sporty thing would be fun. My Mum wants a DGD2 as she is making up for lost time with me with DGD1 but really it is just exciting to be growing a new wee person!

megapixels · 30/11/2009 23:24

What, really? Maybe it just appears that the grass is greener on that side. I have two DDs (family complete now) and I love it, wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Morloth · 01/12/2009 09:42

I always wanted 2 of the same - and got it. So quite happy. A passing twinge isn't anything to worry about I think, if it starts to be more than that then you need to get a grip.

The girl's shopping bit is like another country - so overwhelming! Needed assistance from the mother of girls for some shopping the other day. Who knew the Disney Princesses had names?! To be fair though, I then assisted her through the Ben 10 and Transformer aisle .

thedollshouse · 01/12/2009 09:52

We are expecting our second boy next spring. I have to admit that I did secretly want a girl. Now I know that we are having another boy I am really pleased and can't wait to meet him. A little part of me is wistful that I won't ever have the mother - daughter relationship, I will just have to make sure that I don't turn into the MIL from hell and form good relationships with my dil's when we get to that stage.

Like Rene I am dreading the people who will say "I bet you wanted a girl" and "aren't you going to try for a girl?". I have some relatives who only have girls and are very negative about boys which really annoys me as my little boy is lovely!

MyCatHasARedderNoseThanRudolph · 01/12/2009 09:53

I have one of each and my brother has two girls. I've heard my granparents say, in front of him, how good it is to have one of each. That's a shame for my poor DN I think, and my DB. It really doesn't matter.

Our DS was a big surprise (only planned on having one) but we are very pleased to have him. We didn't plan for one of each (who can?) and as a surprise it wouldn not have mattered if baby was boy or girl.

I guess it must be traditional to want one of each: one to carry on the family name, one to look after you when you get old (women always get the best jobs!). These days those gender roles aren't as clearly defined, although obviously still there, so maybe that is where it comes from.

Santacentric · 01/12/2009 09:58

I had DS first, and when we found out DD was a girl everyone was "oh, you must be so happy, now you'll have one of each" which was utter bollocks - did they really think I would have been disappointed if DC2 was another boy??!! Maybe they thought it was some sort of collection - you need one of each to complete it, lol.

Original poster

Ceebee74 · 01/12/2009 09:59

Thanks for all the posts

It really is just a little twinge I get - definitely nothing more than that as I totally love my boys and couldn't imagine being without either of them. They are 3 and 1 and already I can tell they are totally different but really hope they grow up to be best friends (DH is one of 2 boys though and they are quite distant )

Reservejudgement I tend to look at the floor when walking through Next's girls department

And no, I didn't know the Disney princesses had names but I can pretty much name every engine/vehicle on Thomas

I think one of the posters hit on why I feel like this - I think that sometimes those that have one of each can come across as smug and superior - as if they are somehow better that they managed to have this perfect family.

OP posts:

lateSeptember1964 · 01/12/2009 10:00

I have 4 boys and though I would'nt swop them for the world i do know what you mean. You would be surprised by the number of people who commiserated with me on the birth of a fourth son. Have recently taught year 10 and 11 girls and having had that experience I am really grateful for my boys and have decided I am a good boys mother if you see what I mean.

TheBolter · 01/12/2009 10:01

Agree with octopus, I also have two dds and couldn't wish for it any other way. Their bond is amazing, far closer than mine and my brother's was. In fact my relationship with my dsis is far closer - and there's eleven years between us!

Chrysanthemum5 · 01/12/2009 10:13

Well, I have one of each and we found out at a scan that DC2 was likely to be a girl - but didn't tell anyone else as we were already fed-up of people telling us we must want a girl. We really didn't care - two boys would have been great, as would 2 girls, or indeed one of each - we just wanted two children. I sometimes feel a twinge about whether DS and DD will be as close when they are older as I am to my sisters, so sometimes I think two of the same would be ideal. Plus most of DS friends have little brothers so DD is often the only girl - fortuantely she is more than capable of making as much mess and noise as any boy!

Morloth · 01/12/2009 10:57

Ceebee74 "...but I can pretty much name every engine/vehicle on Thomas"

LOL, we moved passed Thomas (though I am sure DS2 is going to enjoy DS1's collection) but I now know the difference between a Predacon and a Decepticon and why 2nd generation Optimus Prime is not as good as first generation Optimus Prime and all other sorts of things.

But had no idea that The Little Mermaid was Ariel and Sleeping Beauty - Aurora. You learn something new everyday! And I do think that the Disney Aurora dress should come in adult sizes. It was most excellent.

notnowbernard · 01/12/2009 11:01

Got 2 dds

If I had another I can honestly say I'd be DELIGHTED with another dd. I think there is something lovely about a 'gang' of all boys or girls

But would be equally delighted with a ds

iMum · 01/12/2009 11:11

I lost my DD at birth and have gone onto to have 3 boys-people assume I must be devestated to have not gone onto "replace" my dd with another little girl-as tho it would make things all ok! infact I had a run in with a member of staff in M&S because she commented on seeing me and my 3 boys "are they all yours! gosh, 3 boys-what a shame (wtf!!!)did you want a girl?" I made a complaint to the manager as that sort of chatter is just not professional, and in any case is hurtful to my sons, especially the eldest who is now 8 so more than aware of what she was saying.

But yes I do have days where I long for a daughter, I had so much planned for dd, bought her little dresses and so on-but yes it is a wistful kind of longing before being bought back to reality by a hotwheels car being run into my foot! Wouldnt change my little lads for the world you know!

AutumnLady · 01/12/2009 11:14

Ceebee - thought I had to post and echo a lot of others with the sentiment that a bit of is quite normal, even if you don't want a DD as, IMHO, one of each is stereotyped as 'normal'. Each family is so individual that I don't believe there is such a thing as a 'normal' or 'perfect' family, we all just make the best of what we have! My mum is an only child, I am an only child, my dad is the eldest of 6 and dislikes his family a lot, and I have (as you know) one DS who is very likely to be an only child which is OK with me as it's what I know IYSWIM

I do sometimes get a bit of when I see gorgeous small newborns when I'm out shopping and get a bit sad that I probably won't have another, but then DS gives me a huge smile or a very sloppy kiss and all those thoughts are soon forgotten!

So, after all that waffle, YANBU!

notnowbernard · 01/12/2009 13:40

iMum - what a moving post. Hope that M&S employee got their knuckles rapped, BIG TIME

lovechoc · 01/12/2009 13:55

eddas I know a few people like that and also on MN it seems very common indeed. if you have two of the same gender so many couples try for a third hoping it's the opposite. it's weird, I just don't get it at all.

I had DS and pg with no2 - a healthy baby is all I'm after. Taken long enough to get pg again, so I'm just grateful for whatever's cooking!

saraya · 01/12/2009 14:00

Ceebee i have two DSs too and was ok with that and all till suddenly everyone around me started having girls and something of me wnet ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh me too please!.. i started to feel the same twinge you describe and because I am stressed out and over 41 etc etc I feel a new pressure of sorts: to have a DD before it is too late! it sounds pathetic but it is what I feel not what I believe! My mind is screaming at my maternal instinct murmurs! It is like I have to prove something but then I have two lovely boys and am happy ..so??? yeah right tell the murmuring monster inside!
I think seeing pregnant women, those ah so sweet girls all in pink( huh?) is the culprit

CatIsSleepy · 01/12/2009 14:01

I am very happy with my 2 dds!

not that I would have minded a ds second time- probably just as well it was another girl though as dh and i could never agree on a boy's name

am not planning on having any more but do sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a boy

hattyyellow · 01/12/2009 14:06

I know what you mean. We have three DD's and whilst we genuinely adore them I think we did secretly wish for a DS third time around.

And there is a certain smugness amongst SOME parents who have both. They look a little modest and say "we are so lucky" which does imply that if you don't have at least one of each you are somehow unlucky. And when I became pregnant with our third the same people did say they didn't NEED to have another one, as if we were only doing it for a son which we weren't.

Surely we are lucky just to be blessed with children - regardless of sex.

juicy12 · 01/12/2009 14:11

I have one of each. I always thought I would want 2DDs, so was a bit overwhelmed/aprehensive when DS was born first. DH wanted one of each. Can't imagine our little family being any other way now! But will never get over the comments that people made/make in RL re boys, but that's a whole different thread.

ChunkyKitKat · 01/12/2009 14:15

I have one of each, ds first then a dd, but wanted another ds! Didn't mind though, once she came along.

Agree with AnyFucker even if you use techniques you get what you get.

I once heard that if baby conceived on the day of ovulation more likely to have a girl (probably load of rubbish!)

GooseyLoosey · 01/12/2009 14:17

When pg for the first time, both dh and I wanted a girl. Along came ds. When pg for the second time, we loved ds so much, we wanted a boy. Along came dd.

We never wanted more than 2 children and never really wanted what we got. However, I wouldn't change them for anything and they (currently) get on great. I do worry however that when they are older they may become more distant as all of the brother/sister pairs I know are quite distant as adults.

mrsshackleton · 01/12/2009 14:20

I'm totally with you - I adore my dds but I always feel I've missed out on the experience of being mother to a son. The one of each brigade can be a little smug. But, as one mother of 3dses said to me in the end they're people, not boys or girls - they will all turn out so differently regardless of gender

cranbury · 01/12/2009 14:30

i have always dreaded having two boys but thats because i was brought up by my dad and brother neither of which I get on with. My mother died when I was very young, it was a surprise and a shock when I had DD (i was convinced it was a boy), and it has been a very moving experience to have the mother-daughter connection. i now have a DS and he is lovely and I'm glad but I would have been happy with two dd's.

to be honest now I have one of each its so tempting to go for a third

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