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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive row with dh. Please help me sort it out......

108 replies

SingingAngel · 29/11/2009 18:18

This all started because dh wanted to go to a poker night round a mates house last night.

Fairly reasonable request you might think....
BUT we have a 7 week old baby who does not sleep very well and who breast feeds constantly around the clock.

My stitches from the birth have not healed very well and I have been in constant pain since then. Both me and the baby have had terrible colds which have led to several nights of being up all night. Even on a good night, I only get about 2 hours sleep anyway.

We also have a 6 year old to look after. Was I being unreasonable to ask dh not to go out?

He ended up storming off anyway with not a care for how I was going to cope with the kids and we have not spoken since.

He came in around 3am last night, slept on the sofa and has stormed off in a similar fashion again this afternoon. I have no idea where he is now.

When our 6 year old rang him after he went out last night, she put him on the phone to me. I told him I thought it was very unfair of him to leave me dealing with a whole night on my own and he said that obviously we can't cope with 2 kids and that we should put them up for adoption.

How can he even say this? And how can he swan around all weekend with not a thought with regards to how the kids might be suffering being cared for by a mum who is now so so upset. Been fighting back the tears all weekend......

OP posts:
waitingforbedtime · 29/11/2009 18:21

He is totally unreasonable to say you need to put the kids up for adoption!! I would also worry about your 6 year old being obviously caught up in it all. What he said seems very odd, is he depressed?

I guess it wasnt unreasonable for him to want to go out and he could have stayed to help out. It was absolutely not fair to stay out until 3am and then go out again today.

A new baby is a lot of strain though, everyone has arguments and hard times.

Hope you get it sorted. x

AboardtheAxiom · 29/11/2009 18:22

What a !

Is he usually so selfish and unkind?? What do you want from him that would sort it out??? Nothing short of grovelling apology on his hands and knees would do it if I were you, and even then I would still be majorly pissed off and hurt by his actions.

How old is he?

Your sixz year old didn't hear the adoption comment did they??

moondog · 29/11/2009 18:23

It makes my blood boil the way men just walk away from fmaily commitments, knowing full well that women could never ever do that.

I would be very angry indeed.

FabIsVeryLucky · 29/11/2009 18:25

Oh dear, that is not nice.

I think it sounds like he is in shock at how much different 2 children are from one but saying you and he can't cope and they shoud be adopted is ridiculous.

Get the 6 year old into bed, get yourself a bath and get into bed. Feed the baby and rest in bed.

He will come home eventually and he can sort out dinner.

Tell him you need to talk seriously and calmly and he needs to think about if he meant what he said about having the kids adopted. Depending on what he says you can talk some more.

Original poster
SingingAngel · 29/11/2009 18:25

Thank god - no our 6 year old did not hear.

He said it on the phone and then hung up.

I am in no doubt that he is the one now who is being most unreasonable.

What I am not sure of is, was IBU to ask him to stay in in the first place?

He's not been out at all since the birth, but still - it's not like I'm likely to go out any time soon......

OP posts:
FabIsVeryLucky · 29/11/2009 18:26

You are not BU to ask him to stay in.

Meglet · 29/11/2009 18:27

If my XP hadn't had a vasectomy I would wonder whether you are talking about him. He was exactly like that

waitingforbedtime · 29/11/2009 18:27

No YANBU to ask him to stay so long as you were prepared to understand that he would be disappointed if that makes sense? He should've stayed though.

moondog · 29/11/2009 18:28

Has he not been out at all for 7 weeks?
Hmm, colours things slightly.

Nancy66 · 29/11/2009 18:28

No doubt the adoption comment was meant sarcastically, so I wouldn't get too worked up about that, just one of those daft things we say when we want to score a point.

Hmmm, well I have to say that I don't think wanting a night out playing poker is that terrible. If this is his first night out since the baby was born, then I wouldn't have begrudged it. Of course a new baby is difficult and demanding, but if you're breastfeeding then there isn't a lot he can do anyhow.

He was a twat to string it out into a second day though. I'm sure you're sleep deprived and angry - but it's not worth letting it build and run into next week. Just talk to him, explain why you're pissed off and knock it on the head.

ChunkyKitKat · 29/11/2009 18:28

YANBU.

He's being a git.

What was he like before the baby was born?

AboardtheAxiom · 29/11/2009 18:29

No yanbu asking him to stay in last night! Not at all!

"We have a 7 week old baby who does not sleep very well and who breast feeds constantly around the clock.

My stitches from the birth have not healed very well and I have been in constant pain since then. Both me and the baby have had terrible colds which have led to several nights of being up all night. Even on a good night, I only get about 2 hours sleep anyway.

We also have a 6 year old to look after."

would you be telling a friend they were unreasonable in this situation??

ChunkyKitKat · 29/11/2009 18:35

Also agree with Fab, your eldest is 6 and everything was settled and it's so much different with 2 dc.

I am sure he said the adoption thing without thinking about how daft it was, I remember saying I wanted to get my ds adopted when he was 3 weeks old, which meant 3 weeks of sleep deprivation!

Original poster
SingingAngel · 29/11/2009 18:35

The thing is that now I am far angrier than I ever was about the possibility of the night out in the first place.

He has stormed off and left ME, without the slightest thought that he has also stormed off and left HIS KIDS, iyswim.....

Now matter how mad I was with him, there is no way I would walk out on the kids.

Especially if I knew I was leaving them alone with someone who is sooo sleep deprived, in constant pain, suffering from a cold, and is now also devastated emotionally......

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 29/11/2009 18:36

I'm a bit with moondog here - the only thing he can actually do anything about in your post is the 6-year-old. And presumably, in the original request, he was planning to go out after the 6-year-old was in bed?

I have trouble with this because I have been married twice and nothing cheers me up like my husband going out in the evening - cue evening of me lying splayed on the sofa in novelty slippers watching telly he hates, or just going to bed. And that goes double for the newborn period.

Big unreasonality that he reacted by storming out twice in the weekend.

OK where do you want to go with this? TBH I guess I am a wuss here because I would soften him up with a big apology about refusing to let him go out in the first place - tbh YABU on that one.

Then I would draw a line in the sand by saying 'I need to know though that you are not going to let off steam by just heading off without telling me what's going on and what's on your mind. That is not OK. So what was in your head at that time?' Then let him talk.

What a horrible time you are having. Hope it improves pronto.

FabIsVeryLucky · 29/11/2009 18:38

I am wondering what he would do and say if when he gets home you just talk to him as if he had nipped out to the shop. No arguing or shouting and then when the kids are in bed ask him if he had a nice time and did he mean it about the kids being adopted. No doubt he is expecting a bollocking when he comes home and this might wrong foot him enough to be contrite and be a man.

WetAugust · 29/11/2009 18:40

YANBU Put him up for adoption.

You've already got 2 children to look after so having your third adopted would ease your workload considerably.

shockers · 29/11/2009 18:53

Whether he's had time to go out over the last 7 weeks or not, he's still behaving like a stroppy teen.

thesecondcoming · 29/11/2009 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsVeryLucky · 29/11/2009 19:00

Maybe it was the 6 year old asking to speak to her dad, thesecondcoming.

Original poster
SingingAngel · 29/11/2009 19:05

Yes - we have his mobile number in the phone memory which she knows how to use.

After speaking to me, he then hung up and switched his phone off. He knows dd would be upset about this and he has done it again when he stormed off this afternoon.

Maybe I was wrong to ask him not to go out last night.
I just thought that if he was suffering as much as I am at the moment, there is no way I would consider leaving him in sole charge of the kids whether my last night out was a week ago or a year ago......

OP posts:
spicemonster · 29/11/2009 19:08

TBF though if you're exclusively breastfeeding and yr 6 YO is a good sleeper, then there isn't really anything for him to do, other than show solidarity. It just sounds a bit like if you're suffering you think he should be too.

Was there something he could have done in the night to make things a bit easier? Serious question

Dominique07 · 29/11/2009 19:12

You just need to get a fresh start this week. I think I would also have asked my partner to stay home if I was feeling down, but also think there is little he could have done and from his p.o.v. he thinks he could just get a night out, no harm done and come back refreshed
but then you need to ask him how he'd feel if you did the same, storming out leaving him with the kids on a Saturday night.

Do you make sure you get a chance to go out and leave him at home with his DC?
You know, a walk to the corner shop to buy some tea and chocolate biscuits or similar?

BitOfFun · 29/11/2009 19:12

But what can he actually do if the baby is awake breastfeeding? I'm getting the whiff of burning martyr about this one, sorry.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 19:13

ok upon his return,quietly and calmy try discuss this.avoid escalation and recriminations.don't get bogged down in he said/i said

in arguments people say vile things, specifically to hurt

so you and him,and some calm what is going on straight talking

you are tired,stressed,run down with a baby and a toddler.and a husband who needs so get a grip. so you take control an set some boundaries about your expectations from him,how he can support you,an pulling together as a couple

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