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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive row with dh. Please help me sort it out......

108 replies

SingingAngel · 29/11/2009 18:18

This all started because dh wanted to go to a poker night round a mates house last night.

Fairly reasonable request you might think....
BUT we have a 7 week old baby who does not sleep very well and who breast feeds constantly around the clock.

My stitches from the birth have not healed very well and I have been in constant pain since then. Both me and the baby have had terrible colds which have led to several nights of being up all night. Even on a good night, I only get about 2 hours sleep anyway.

We also have a 6 year old to look after. Was I being unreasonable to ask dh not to go out?

He ended up storming off anyway with not a care for how I was going to cope with the kids and we have not spoken since.

He came in around 3am last night, slept on the sofa and has stormed off in a similar fashion again this afternoon. I have no idea where he is now.

When our 6 year old rang him after he went out last night, she put him on the phone to me. I told him I thought it was very unfair of him to leave me dealing with a whole night on my own and he said that obviously we can't cope with 2 kids and that we should put them up for adoption.

How can he even say this? And how can he swan around all weekend with not a thought with regards to how the kids might be suffering being cared for by a mum who is now so so upset. Been fighting back the tears all weekend......

OP posts:
UnexpectedWassailing · 29/11/2009 22:27

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theyoungvisiter · 29/11/2009 22:32

Unexpected - asking for one night out in 7 weeks is not swanning off - but buggering off the next day out of pure picque definitely is.

And sorry but going to work is a break compared to being with a screaming baby 24/7. There were many days when I was struggling with screaming newborns when I would gladly have exchanged with DH and gone into work.

I remember when I went back to work after DS1, sitting at my desk drinking my first uninterrupted coffee in 12 months and thinking "you know, this isn't half bad!"

mummysgoingmad · 29/11/2009 22:36

i would sit him down and tell him if he wants to swan off again then fine but he wont be getting back in! then lets see if he does it again

DuelingFanjo · 29/11/2009 22:39

I would be angry. I would also be arranging a night away somewhere with just the baby leaving him with the 6 year old.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 22:39

shouldn't make empty threats it only ups the ante.too provocative

yes he has been a selfish tit,but no you shouldn't chance the locks

mayorquimby · 29/11/2009 22:45

"And sorry but going to work is a break compared to being with a screaming baby 24/7. There were many days when I was struggling with screaming newborns when I would gladly have exchanged with DH and gone into work. "

and i'm sure you'll get loads of people who'll testify to the fact that they've had many days in work were they're getting a bollocking and being snowed under with work that they would gladly have switched with their stay at home partner for that day and looked after the kids instead.
i think it's a pretty facile argument as to who has it easier or harder. work is not normally a break it's work,much in the same way that stayiong at home with the kids is not sitting around watching jeremy kyle and taking it handy, it is also work. and in both scenarios you'll have shitty days that would make you long for the others position.arguing over who has it harder is just pointless self-pitying and point scoring.

theyoungvisiter · 29/11/2009 22:46

No - definitely no more threats, I agree.

And if you possibly can, bite the bullet and swallow your grudge.

You NEED each other at the moment. You need his support and understanding, so try to chalk this up to man hormones and get past it.

He was a tit - but letting it fester isn't going to undo the tittishness, it will just result in your getting even less help and support, which is hardly a result.

theyoungvisiter · 29/11/2009 22:49

yes mayorquimby - but I think most people would agree that having a newborn, exclusive breastfeeding AND being ill on top of it all are pretty demanding circumstances.

I am not saying that her DH was in any way unreasonable to want to go out. I'm just saying that when the OP gypped, he should have realised that she was having a tough time and been a bit understanding.

Just as anyone would be understanding if their partner were having a tough time at work.

ABetaDad · 29/11/2009 22:50

theyoungvisiter/Yuletides - part of me agrees with what you say that he 'should man-up'. Sometimes I read threads like this and think men should be prepared to grow up and drop the whole 'going down the pub with mates' thing once kids arrive. On the other hand there is a lot of Mummy martyrdom too in many threads. Effectively making the man suffers just because the woman is - for example demanding the man gets up at night if she is BF.

I know the OP is tied to breastfeeding but working out ways she can get a rest and a break surely is the way to go not demanding he not go out.

UnexpectedWassailing · 29/11/2009 22:51

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Arwenwasrobbed · 29/11/2009 22:51

Have lots of sympathy for the op but also think the DH is entitled to some R&R - Always love the ''being a Mum is the hardest job in the world'' brigde - Its almost a reversal of the old stero types. Any thing a woman says/does is valid - men should jsut earn the money and shut up

Sn0wflake · 29/11/2009 22:52

Have you got any family that can come round and help? 1, you need the help, 2, I doubt he will be such an arse in front of other people.

I'm not sure if you are close to your mum....but I would be tempted to go stay with my folks for a couple of days.

Personally I think he's been horrible. She's ill, had no sleep, is in pain, has two children to look after....and people are talking about him having a right to a night out after 7 weeks. That's missing the point entirely. If your partner is OK, then you go out, if your partner is not OK you do not leave them whether they are a man or a woman. We don't hold men up to a high enough standard sometimes and I think it is insulting to them. It seems we think that's all they are capable of.....I personally expect a lot more.

She isn't coping and if he was acting as a man should he would have supported her.

theyoungvisiter · 29/11/2009 23:02

Snowflake puts it well.

Look, I am NOT saying motherhood is the hardest job in the world, or any of that crap. I don't believe it is. And slight at the idea that any office job is clearly a "jolly".

And I am not saying that the OP's DH was unreasonable to want to go out at all.

What I am saying is that the OP was clearly in a tough place, having a tough time, on that particular night and that her DH should have understood that.

Whether he decided to go out or not - there was absolutely NO need to be a complete child about it. He could have said "look I really want to go but I'll help you get the kids to bed and then leave after that" - or something.

Running out the door and stropping around disappearing for the rest of the weekend is NOT reasonable behaviour, no matter what your partner has requested of you.

Fibilou · 29/11/2009 23:21

"But 7 weeks is a long time. And one night off in nearly 2 months is really not such a big deal. "

Has the OP had a night off in 2 months, Spicemonster ? Thought not.

moondog · 29/11/2009 23:24

She could do Fib.
Breastfeeding doesn't have to mean you are chained to a baby.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 23:28

mobilising,gentle walking,getting out with baby all good.and no mum needs bf solely at home

Fibilou · 29/11/2009 23:30

I'll quote the OP if you're forgotten, Moondog

"BUT we have a 7 week old baby who does not sleep very well and who breast feeds constantly around the clock."

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 23:31

babies are portable,she has to get into swing of going out some time.cant be under house arrest because of bf

moondog · 29/11/2009 23:32

Er, yes, so how about leaving some breastmilk in a bottle?

Arwenwasrobbed · 29/11/2009 23:33

Maybe he is in a tough place, having a tough time - you are making again the assumption that he should understand her and she's bound to be in more ''need'' than he is.

I lived with my sister when she had a new born and and infected cesar scar. Her hormones were all over the place and she was frankly a nightmare. I loved her and felt her pain but was also to be honest on the edge myself by week 3 as sleep depravation does bad stuff to your coping skills.

Arwenwasrobbed · 29/11/2009 23:37

And Moondog do so agree - athough mine never took a bottle, I loved it when they were little and portable. Didn't do many night gigs as any bozze made me fall asleep but I have breast fed in some very interesting places.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 23:39

the ease of bf is it is portable with no prep but seriously op needs to get out, mobilise gently,recommence daily activities

meltedchocolate · 29/11/2009 23:41

I havent read the thread but having read the OP would have wrote back;

You have every right to be upset and angry but he clearly is too. If he hasnt been out much before would it have been so bad to let him this once? He over reacted and sounds like he is hurt by the whole thing too.

The adoption comment was prob not thought through and i am sure he didnt mean it as a serious thought. OP it sounds like you have had an argument that has got out of hand. Everyone is taking it too seriously and you would be better to kiss and make up. He could have gone out for a break and then you leave a bottle of breasmilk or even formula and go out (or just have a night off) next week? It is just an argument got out of hand. Take control and go and apologise for your part (i am sure you were wrong in something too) and explain calmly to him what hurt you. Tell him you dont want this to linger and you love him and need his support.

spicemonster · 30/11/2009 08:10

I didn't have any time off when my DS was tiny fibilou because I was excl bfing and had issues with milk supply so couldn't express. But the point is that just because one of you is chained to the baby, you don't both have to be. And sometimes, as I said earlier, it does both of you good if one of you has a break to give you a bit of breathing room. And I actually take some pleasure if my loved ones enjoy themselves (although this is clearly rather a bizarre POV judging by some of the 'I suffer, so must you' posts on here ).

It's one night. Perhaps it was a special occasion, perhaps it was something that had been planned for ages. Unless the OP or the baby were seriously ill, it really doesn't seem that outrageous to have one night off to me.

winnybella · 30/11/2009 08:49

I think it all depends on whether dh usually helps out a lot. If so, YABU. After first few weeks, it doesn't seem really like such a crime for dh to want to go out for one night.
I definitely would let my dp, so he can have a breather, and he wouldn't have a problem with feeding ebf to our baby, so I could go out.
I think he's behaviour afterwards was immature, but you do sound like a martyr. It's not like you gave birth yesterday, it's been almost two months. I think it shows that you care about other person, if you're willing to let them have a bit of fun- but as I said, of course it has to be reciprocal.