Massive row with dh. Please help me sort it out......

[SingingAngel]

This all started because dh wanted to go to a poker night round a mates house last night.

Fairly reasonable request you might think....
BUT we have a 7 week old baby who does not sleep very well and who breast feeds constantly around the clock.

My stitches from the birth have not healed very well and I have been in constant pain since then. Both me and the baby have had terrible colds which have led to several nights of being up all night. Even on a good night, I only get about 2 hours sleep anyway.

We also have a 6 year old to look after. Was I being unreasonable to ask dh not to go out?

He ended up storming off anyway with not a care for how I was going to cope with the kids and we have not spoken since.

He came in around 3am last night, slept on the sofa and has stormed off in a similar fashion again this afternoon. I have no idea where he is now.

When our 6 year old rang him after he went out last night, she put him on the phone to me. I told him I thought it was very unfair of him to leave me dealing with a whole night on my own and he said that obviously we can't cope with 2 kids and that we should put them up for adoption.

How can he even say this? And how can he swan around all weekend with not a thought with regards to how the kids might be suffering being cared for by a mum who is now so so upset. Been fighting back the tears all weekend......

yanbu

he needs to get real

as for the 'not been out in 7 weeks ? ' comments??

wth????? big bloody deal - he'll live!

Tis true about the honey BoF and I was exagarating(sp?) about the sexist replys but it just gets on my tits that (some) men seem to just sod of out on a whim just because they cant bf.

I just didnt want the op to worry that she should be sorry for being in the wrong as well as sad, in pain and tired.

I am always right and mostly happy
And I stand by my 'shit on pillow' advise.

Singingangel What a weekend and what a let down from the someone who is supposed to support you.
Ring your mum/sister/friend now anyone who can come to the house and give you some practical and moral support today.
When he does come home you need to tell him you need to talk and tell him when (you have to be comfortable )and have it out with him, I'm sure he will apologise but he need to made to understan this behaviour is not acceptable at all
Good luck

I am all for men being supportive. But 7 weeks is a long time. And one night off in nearly 2 months is really not such a big deal. Apart from anything else, the claustrophobia of being together 24/7 when one of you has a massive role that you can't really do that much about (and it really doesn't need two people to look after a 7 wk old during the night all night every night - sorry if that's unsisterly).

I do think he's behaved like an utter arse ever since the initial row but a bit of give and take is a good foundation for harmonious relationships I think ...

I think it's reasonable for him to have had a night out (or you, if you were feeling up to it & if you could express milk...) but given that you were unhappy about him going out, he could've postponed it.

Or said 'How about if I promise to get up with dd & take her out tomorrow morning so that you & ds can have a lie-in?' - but if you still said no, I need you here, then I think on the whole the poker nights could wait.

His flouncing off today is totally BU.

No point in having Round 2 when he re-appears, though - might be worth just saying something like, 'Look, we're both knackered & upset, let's sleep on it & talk about it tomorrow?'

Hopefully he'll be so pathetically relieved not to walk straight into an almighty bollocking that he'll be ready to grovel by the time you do discuss it.

A big yes for give and take!

I take it dh has been working so not at home with you 24/7 so he has still had an easier time of it than you, oh and I also asume that he han not had his bits stitched up.

If people are feeling sympathetic to op's dh for needing a night off, then by the same measure the op is surley deserving of some serious tlc/holiday/10mins peace.

I really hope you do get some. It can be really hard with a little one and no sleep.
I liked the sugestion of a bubble bath and dp taking dc out for a bit.
A bit of compramise and you can both get what you want.
The trick is to try to talk before it gets to a full blown row and try to remember that you love each other and want the best for each other

unfragranced bubble bath (less nippy) and glass of wine and fave dvd for singingangel

No-one is saying he can't go out, agree 7 weeks is a long time before you can go out of a night time on your own... Poor sausage.... wonder how OP's DH would feel after 4 years of not going out...

He better do some serious crawling and begging forgiveness for that, otherwise, if he was anything to do with me I'd sodding well put HIM up for frigging adoption.

smart quips are easy,resolving a row and absence isnt quite so easy.

they have children,they should be united.him supporting his wife who is in pain and being able to articulate without doing a runner

so to all the kick him in the knackers crew.yes - right on sister.

does that really stop him going awol again
or help op when she is stuck in with newborn and child

I would expect some compromise though.

That he put the six year old to bed and that he came home at at reasonable time.

well yes compromise isnt acquiescing to someone wishes.

There is always something important in an apparently totally unreasonable statement said in anger. Arguements sometimes bring out truths:

"....and he said that obviously we can't cope with 2 kids and that we should put them up for adoption..

The important word there is we. Note that he did not say you. What he is saying is after 7 weeks he feels totally overwhelmed and needed one night off AND so do you. You are both shattered and living in a pressure cooker.

I am quite sure he would be happy for you to have a night off as well. Your request that he stay in was the straw that broke the camel's back. He also (wrongly) thought you were guilt tripping him with your six year old phoning him. He also now knows he did a very bad thing.

Try and put it behind you and negotiate some way that you can both have a break.

YANBU. He is being pretty childish, IMHO. Seven weeks is not a long time for a grown man to have to make small sacrifices such as not going out for a beer or a poker game.

There a plenty of mothers, and many partners/dads too, who have had longer periods without any "me time" whilst they care for their new babies and the general post-partum fall-out.

His attitude to you, (e.g. turning up at 3am, making puerile comments about your ability to parent), is pretty sh*t too.

That said, you need to focus on the onwards & upwards. If you are going to stick it out together, maybe you could plan to take it in turns to have an evening out a couple of times a month. If you are breastfeeding that means you get the sh*t end of the stick for a while, but you should like you are more mature and able to see the longer-term picture anyhow.

Good luck with it all. It's hard enough to look after a 7 week baby and a small child, without having to look after a 20 or 30-something 'big boy'.

scotishmummy- yes you are right. I shall put my hormonal rants back in the box now, but before I do can I just fantasise about punching his lights out.... hes out cold
now that was theraputic.

-disclamer-
Punching others no matter how nobby they are is wrong.

is he home yet???

sorry, that should read "you sound like you are more mature"

I'm amazed at those in the "poor dear hasn't been out in 7 weeks...what can he do?"

SUPPORT!!!! Change diapers? make meals? fetch drinks? Walk the baby? and basically NOT be a baby himself.
The op can't go out, is in pain, and it is very early days yet.

Of COURSE YANBU for being annoyed he went out. He's being weak. We would all love to put life on hold when things are like this, but we can't - and most wouldn't because we are grown ups.

the should he have gone point is neither here nor there- a compromise could have been reache... he could have gone but offered to leave early OR phone regularly to see if she needed him back OR arranged for a relative/friend to help out.

it's the storming around, childish comments and abandoning behaviour that is doing the most damage here.

He's been an utter cock. You know it. He knows it.

BUT in everybody's interests, let it lie now. Make a fresh start. Tell him that you are sorry you rowed (one of those politician apologies - you know "I'm sorry you feel that way" "I'm sorry you feel such anger at my actions" ) and move on.

If he has any sense he will meet you halfway.

At this point you need his support and raking over what's happened is not going to help.

Abetadad - it's all very well saying they both need a break but the OP CAN'T have a night out. She is breastfeeding round the clock. Hence her being upset when her partner swanned off leaving her - literally - holding the baby.

BFing on demand and post-op trauma can turn even the most reasonable human being into a screeching harridan. I was a bloody bitch from hell for the first 3 months after my DS was born. I'm not saying you are like this OP, but this thread has reminded me of how utterly grim it was. (x-ref with why you're not having lots of kids thread)

I agree Spicemonster - 7 weeks can be a bloody hard time especially if you are still suffering physical trauma from the birth and ill to boot.

The OP's Dh gets to go out all day - the OP has to stand it 24/7 and doesn't get the luxury of swanning off whenever she feels like it.

Maybe she didn't ask in the most reasonable way, who knows, I wasn't there. But any man with half a brain should appreciate that his partner is under strain and cut her a bit of slack.

It doesn't sound to me as if OP is being a martytr,she just sounds as if she is struggling and in need of support,great for those of you who managed with no help with all the children and no partner or absent partner ,its fantastic that YOU coped but don't belittle those who aren't at the moment.I have to say those who say that she sounds like a martyr also sound a bit superior and rather boastful to me.There is no shame in putting your hand up and saying thats it I can't cope with this,why should he be allowed to say this but not her.

I vivdly remember being on my own with three children one only a few days old,really painful stiches and heavy bleeding.I spent the entire night petrified that one of the children was going to wake up or something would happen that I wouldn't be able to cope with,yes i admit I was hormonal and unreasonable but it was how I felt.

What if something had happened and she was on her own in the night,small babies with colds can easily deteriorate ,what if she had passed out with exhaustion...all very unlikely but her dh should have heeded her plea for help and gone out another time.His behaviour since is disgraceful.

Aw...poor baby...he hasn't been out for a whole 7 weeks!

FFS!

What utter tosh - tell him to grow a set, man-up and accept that the kids are 50% his.