Massive row with dh. Please help me sort it out......

[SingingAngel]

This all started because dh wanted to go to a poker night round a mates house last night.

Fairly reasonable request you might think....
BUT we have a 7 week old baby who does not sleep very well and who breast feeds constantly around the clock.

My stitches from the birth have not healed very well and I have been in constant pain since then. Both me and the baby have had terrible colds which have led to several nights of being up all night. Even on a good night, I only get about 2 hours sleep anyway.

We also have a 6 year old to look after. Was I being unreasonable to ask dh not to go out?

He ended up storming off anyway with not a care for how I was going to cope with the kids and we have not spoken since.

He came in around 3am last night, slept on the sofa and has stormed off in a similar fashion again this afternoon. I have no idea where he is now.

When our 6 year old rang him after he went out last night, she put him on the phone to me. I told him I thought it was very unfair of him to leave me dealing with a whole night on my own and he said that obviously we can't cope with 2 kids and that we should put them up for adoption.

How can he even say this? And how can he swan around all weekend with not a thought with regards to how the kids might be suffering being cared for by a mum who is now so so upset. Been fighting back the tears all weekend......

Of COURSE it's not unreasonable to want to go out with mates. But when you have a little baby it's not all about you any more, is it? Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want to do for what we ought to do.The OP seems to be struggling and could have used the support, and her DP maybe could have put aside his disappointment and put off his night out until it was mutually convenient to him and the OP. (If it's NEVER convenient in the OP's eyes for him to go out with his mates, then that is obviously unreasonable and needs sorting.)

There is a chance that when he does come home he will have calmed down and realised that hiding away with his phone off for the whole weekend was completely out of order, but if he doesn't apologise as soon as he comes in, then I agree with those who have said that sound and fury will not help (no matter how you may feel). Try saying something along the lines of "Look, we're clearly both really struggling at the momnet, and this is a lot harder than we'd anticipated. How can we work together so we're helping and supporting each other a bit more to make it easier for both of us?" A bit of solidarity never goes amiss, IME.

I think this is one of the hardest times there is in life - when you have a demanding 6 week old and an older child. You're both at the end of your tether. Unless he is like this all the time, I'm sure this is just something you can get over. I liked abetadad's post yesterday - very reasonable.
also agree with Tolalola - it's well worth saying (or writing in a note?) that you realise you are both having a very hard time, you're really struggling, but that you know in your heart that you're a great mum and dad with great children and that all will be well if you just get back to supporting eachother and appreciating each other.

Think he is being a sh*t but it is a really difficult time for both of you. He probably just wanted a break and doesn't appreciate how hard it is for yoy. My partner went a bit off the rails when we had our first child and things got really horrible. Now he is a fab father. I think men have weird hormonal things happen when they become fathers, even if its for the 2nd time.

A friend of mine had almost the same scenario with her husband suddenly announcing that he thought she couldn't cope and that they should put their 2nd daughter up for adoption, ( she was coping fine. Think he just felt depressed).

All you can do is let him come round and let it go. If theres one thing I've learnt as i've got is to bite my lip sometimes, even when yoy feel agrieved. Arguing wont make things better and left alone he may realise the error of his ways.

Suggest a night out for both of you when you are up to it.

happyclapper - "I think men have weird hormonal things happen when they become fathers, even if its for the 2nd time."

They do. It is not exactly a barrel of laughs for him either.

I think that the birth and lack of sleep bring out the worse in some people (men!). I dont think also that men "get" how much the pain is. You are feeling weak and in pain and he does not get it!

Look after yourself, and I am sure this will pass.

nasty things have been said, and likely will be said again before the next few months are out TBH

hand on in there x

wheres the op???

Not having read the whole thread - how about you store up enough breast milk in the freezer and then send him out for a night and then you go out for a night (to watch TV and go to bed early at a friends house) and be back home at yours at the 6 year olds usual waking time?
The trouble is - I know that you just won't be able to leave your baby to do it. I wouldn't have been able to. Not for any rational or explainable reason, I just couldn't. But if you could, then that would be a good thing to do.