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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Massive row with dh. Please help me sort it out......

108 replies

SingingAngel · 29/11/2009 18:18

This all started because dh wanted to go to a poker night round a mates house last night.

Fairly reasonable request you might think....
BUT we have a 7 week old baby who does not sleep very well and who breast feeds constantly around the clock.

My stitches from the birth have not healed very well and I have been in constant pain since then. Both me and the baby have had terrible colds which have led to several nights of being up all night. Even on a good night, I only get about 2 hours sleep anyway.

We also have a 6 year old to look after. Was I being unreasonable to ask dh not to go out?

He ended up storming off anyway with not a care for how I was going to cope with the kids and we have not spoken since.

He came in around 3am last night, slept on the sofa and has stormed off in a similar fashion again this afternoon. I have no idea where he is now.

When our 6 year old rang him after he went out last night, she put him on the phone to me. I told him I thought it was very unfair of him to leave me dealing with a whole night on my own and he said that obviously we can't cope with 2 kids and that we should put them up for adoption.

How can he even say this? And how can he swan around all weekend with not a thought with regards to how the kids might be suffering being cared for by a mum who is now so so upset. Been fighting back the tears all weekend......

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/11/2009 19:16

I think that in hindsight, it is fair to say it was reasonable of him to want to go out. He does deserve a night off, and saying that does not mean that you do not deserve one.

But that doesn't mean you were being awful asking him to stay. You are hormonal, you feel like shit, you are sleep deprived and you ache. I think that he should see why you asked him and understand if you say sorry.

But what happened after that is awful! He just walked out, and then did it again, and the adoption comments! Is this how he deals with stress and arguments? Has he ever done anything like this before? I know new babies are hard work.......

thesecondcoming · 29/11/2009 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spicemonster · 29/11/2009 19:33

And also: I can understand how him wanting to go out made you want to throw your toys out of the pram. Newborns are designed to tip us over the edge I reckon. I'm always amazed how many relationships survive

StarExpat · 29/11/2009 19:33

I agree with pfft.
Even if it is unreasonable of you to ask him to stay, him reacting like that is unreasonable. He could have dealt with that very differently, not like a teenager not getting his own way.

My DH is a bit like this. He would never say the adoption thing, though, but I'm sure that was said in sarcasm.

I remember so clearly how I was feeling a year ago in your situation, stitches still hurting, sore from bf, sleep deprived...etc. and the last thing you need is to be emotionally down as well. with your DH.

allaboutme · 29/11/2009 19:51

he's well out of order!

there is loads he could have done to help had he not gone out.
Held the baby while OP had a bath to un wind.
Looked after the baby between feeds so OP could try and get some sleep (presumably baby is sleeping very badly if he has a bad cold and presumably OP needs all the sleep she can get, also with a bad cold!)
If baby and OP sleeping at 7am when the 6year old woke up then he could have got up, made breakfast, brought OP cup of tea etc
He could have taken the 6 year old out this morning to do something fu, while OP and baby stayed in the warm, instead of having a hangover after getting in at 3am!

I would not ahve been amused.
I would have been even less amused at him not talking to me afterwards and then I would have been furious at him going out again this afternoon.

What an utter wanker

BitOfFun · 29/11/2009 20:00

He is well out of order now, but if he'd had an evening out he might well have come home quite early and been a loving husband all weekend.

Rindercella · 29/11/2009 20:02

He is out of order for going out today without discussing it with you and leaving you without a clue where he is/what time he will be back home. For that, he is a twunt.

However, after 7 weeks I don't think he was entirely unreasonable to want a night out. It's bloody hard on you, because you can't - you are stuck with the baby, having to breastfeed, feeling rubbish and more than anything else, suffering from sleep deprivation. That is tough on anyone and the good news is that it will only get better, but I do realise that doesn't make it any easier on you now. But you do need to cut your DH a little bit of slack on this.

Forget about the adoption comment - that was just stupid point scoring on his part. I am willing to bet money that he didn't actually mean it.

When he comes home, try your best to speak to him rationally and calmly.

FabIsVeryLucky · 29/11/2009 20:05

Not much he can do?

What about the house work, cook, fetch drinks, play with the 6 year old, be there?

BitOfFun · 29/11/2009 20:07

Good advice there from Ribercella- and I am sorry you've had a shit weekend, it must be very hard for you at the moment. I hope you get it sorted out.

PrincessToadstool · 29/11/2009 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 29/11/2009 20:11

If you could have a break for one evening, wouldn't you ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT? If he has been supporting you for seven weeks, day in and day out, then he really is allowed to go out for an evening!

But yes newborns turn you into a crazy person (both of you). I think you both need to apologise (but only ONE of you can be the first to do so....)

PrincessToadstool · 29/11/2009 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 29/11/2009 20:15

You were a little unfair in the first place I think.

He might have been thinking how good he had been not going out and hanging about doing the daddy-thing.

You meanwhile were perhaps taking it for granted that this was the least he could do and never expected he would dream of going out.

Different expectations.

His overreaction after that might well be due to tiredness, shock at the change in lifestyle...the usual stuff. And at that point he started to be unreasonable.

But if you can draw a line. Explain calmly. Start again.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 20:16

rather than dwell on he said etc.resolve this,both work out how to be a couple and support each other.and yes he goes out but he couls also take baby and 6yo out give you some quiet time alone

MegBusset · 29/11/2009 20:20

I agree heartily with MP (as usual). I think yabu not to let him go out for one evening after seven weeks. His reaction was thoroughly crappy but he is sleep-deprived too. I kicked DH out the door to the pub within a couple of weeks of both DC being born, it's important to have some time apart imo.

Emprexia · 29/11/2009 20:31

I had some issues with my DH around the same time when my now 8mo was 8weeks old.

6-8wks is a 'crisis' point, especially for baby crying and other stuff.

Breaking this down.

While i sympathise with the pain and lack of sleep as my episiotomy didnt heal until 12wks and DD wasnt feeding properly at the time, i do think you were being unreasonable in expecting him to stay home.. i'd have asked him to put the 6yo to bed, sort you out with food and drink supplies and then let him go.

However, he IS being a twat since you asked him not to go and it cant be allowed to continue.

I would like to put forward one thing to think about... when DH & I talked after our blow out.. (i actually walked out on him and took the kids because the row ended in him slapping me)

I know what we (you and I) were going through, but it isnt easy for him either.. he is still going to work, probably not getting much sleep either, and on top of that he's dealing with a wife who he knows is sick, in pain and who he CANT help.. he cant make it better.. DH felt so demoralised by the pain i was in and how much i was struggling and after 8weeks of my pain and tears he just couldnt take it anymore, and yes it was wrong, but he took it out on me.

DandyLioness · 29/11/2009 20:34

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StewieGriffinsMom · 29/11/2009 20:41

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kinnies · 29/11/2009 20:44

I'm just so bloody shocked by some of the posts saying be nice to him when he comes home to avoid an argument and I'm hopping mad about the one sugesting that the op might do well to say shes sorry for asking him not to go out! I supose he is only a man after all and we all know that they wouldnt know what to do with a baby

Just because he cant bf does not render him unable to wind, change nappies, cuddle, or sooth the baby. When a 7wk old baby has a cold it can be mighty scary - I know I was always checking for rashes tha didnt fade under a glass and was paranoid about fever. I doubt that I'm the only one who needed a bit of support from my dh when I've been unwell, even if just to make a cup of tea and be there....

I think some people need to wake up to the fact that its 2009 and not the dark ages where men were arsholes and it was expected of them.

Op, if I were you I would try to keep calm with him and give him a chance to tell you how he feels. Maybe he just needed to get out and feels bad for letting you down, thus the tantrum storming out for a second time.
what ever his reasons it was unfair on you but all you can do is try to sort it out and if you have to be the adult this time then so be it.
failing that, shit on his pillow

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 20:45

his absence speaks volumes.he is in some sort of denial and hiding out

need a calm discussion about how both can support each other,and how in the short term until episiotomy stiches heal he will have to do a lot around house and childcare of his own children

but, he needs a level of freedom too.this isnt a staying in competition.there needs to be balance

sherby · 29/11/2009 20:49

I can see both sides here

You: tired, pissed off, ill, bfing constantly thinking that it is unfair that he would WANT to go out whilst you are so obviously in need of help and doesn't he feel bad that you are stuck in knackered whilst he is out having fun

Him: Supporting you for 7 weeks fancies a quick game of poker with his friends, cant see the problem, he can't really help at home with the immediate problem of bfing/non-sleeping baby

I have to say I think you both have a valid point. DH at the moment goes out every Sunday for a regular poker game. When the baby gets here I expect he will cut it down to once every 3/4 weeks instead. If this was the first time in 7 weeks he has asked or gone out maybe you are being unreasonable. BUT and it is a big BUT, he could have said um I was thinking of going out tonight for a quick game of poker and then maybe tomorrow I will run you a nice bath and take the DC out for an hour or so so you can have a break?

BitOfFun · 29/11/2009 20:51

It comes down to whether it's more important to be right than happy, kinnies. And I think you are caricaturing the replies. Calm discussion is the way forward, and in general you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

costagirl · 29/11/2009 20:55

Er, YANBU. I'm also staggered by the comments like "you're breast-feeding so there's not much he can do." Nipping out to the pub for a couple of drinks is one thing, out all night leaving you with tiny babe, no sleep, 6 year old, sore bits and a shitty cold is just selfish.

My DH decided to go to a family party 2 nights after I came out of hospital with DS2 - it was a long distance away, and I was LIVID. I felt so uncared for.

You have my sympathy. Be very. very nice to yourself. Bath, chocolate, as much sleep as possible.

If you can't speak to him calmly as so tired, write down how you feel.

scottishmummy · 29/11/2009 20:56

no one is advocating subservient wifey.but screaming and stomping is pointless(though i doubt she'd manage stomp)

the point is getting to what is going on,and dealing with it.rather than get entrenched in a screaming row

Nancy66 · 29/11/2009 20:59

OP - hope he's turned up and you've sorted it all out. Sleep deprivation is hell, add a fanny full of stitches into the mix and I'm sure you're feeling at rock bottom.

Hope this coming week is easier for you.

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