DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

[nickneat]

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

"Wanting to see women used as prostitutes, double-penetrated, gang-banged, choked (all staples of modern porn) is definitely misogynistic though."

Then maybe one compromise is to find better porn.

Dittany never said men were the root of all evil.

We see men doing all those things too dittany

'Porn is prostitution on film.'

Agree dittany

Have watched when younger before, but now older, I find the idea of it quite repulsive and distasteful.

It is about pure sexual gratification, not love and indulging in it frequently does cause problems with real-life relationship intimacy so it should be dealt with. Especially if a partner feels hurt by it.

Well then in that case porn is degrading to people in general, not just women. Even more reason to object to it.

no - not on this thread - but men are the cause of all the problems women face, and the only way to change that is to make women superior to men.

"t's got nothing to do with the topic in hand."

well guess what - neither does the subject of porn and it's effects on wider soceity. The OP is asking for advice on the effects on her relationship.

What if a couple made a video of themselves having sex and then the man watched it afterwards on his own? they have both agreed to it, no-one is being 'exploited' or 'prostituted', but the man is still watching porn. Is that just as bad in the eyes of you posters who find porn offensive?

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about this. Is it really the watching of porn that's the problem or that it's something your DH is doing and hiding from you? If he was completely open and honest and it, would you be so upset?

Surely the point is not whether she is right to be offended and upset by this, it is about the fact that he knows how she feels and is disregarding her feelings. I don't think it helps to tell her she should be watching it with him!

Yes, many people watch porn, but that doesn't mean the OP has to feel comfortable with it. I think it might help to know why he does this. Is it because he feels there is something lacking in your relationship? does he feel he is not getting enough sex with you? If so, do you agree? If that is the case, could you work on rebuilding that side of your marriage? It may be that he just enjoys it in the same way that some people enjoy going to football/watching I'm a celeb or whatever and that he really doesn't see it as a threat or reflection on your marriage. In that case, you need to decide whether you could accept that as long as he doesn't flaunt it or leave the evidence for you to find. The trouble is, however you feel about it, if he is addicted to it, he is going to find it very hard to stop and there will be those who say he shouldn't have to stop just because you don't like it. Personally, I think that if you have such strong feelings about it and he knows and understands that, he should make some effort to respect your feelings in the same way i would hope a smoker, for example, would respect the feelings of a non-smoking partner and either do it away from their sight or do their utmost to stop.

Perhaps I am being naive but might it not depend on the type of porn the OPs DH is watching? Once a little less stressed maybe it would help the OP to consider whether, if it isn't the really objectionable, misogynistic type, it is if not more acceptable then at least understandable.

What I'm trying to say is that our first reaction to upset is often shock, hurt and anger but after calm reflection it doesn't always seem quite as horrific. If the porn is sexy rather than nasty the OP may feel able to initiate a conversation on it and open up to her DH on her feelings and get his in return.

I know it's a free forum, and not for anyone to tell anyone not to speak but I can't help feeling it's a shame to get so argumentative, when this lady just wanted a bit of advice on what to do next.
It's clearly been hard to do and she is very hurt. I don't think asking her to detail her sex life is very appropriate (although possibly useful is she were comfortable/offering that info but I doubt it). Nor does she need the intimations that her husband might be a bit of a sick weirdo with a "problem".
He has not been looking at animal or child porn FGS, merely images of ladies he finds attractive.
Where the OP needs answers or more likely reassurance, is that he is not weird and sickening, which of course he isn't, just not 100% theman she hoped, and sometimes we all fall short. And that it's not her shortcomings, which of course, it isn't!
It is an outlet that some men/women need/use when they do not want to be unfaithful, this is why it's called fantasy, surely?

Absolutely- let's leave politics out of this. The fact is this issue is causing upset, and that is the way many people would feel. Equally, it doesn't mean that the husband is automatically a beast and might feel it isn't really a fair ask to never look at porn again. He is doing it in secret as a result, and they need to talk and try to see each other's point of view.

i think Dittany has a point when she mentions that we all have our limits

I wouldn't mind a jot if dh watched porn and wanked himself blind - doesn't bother me in the slightest.

but i do have other boundries, infidelity for instance - many many people put up with one night stands or work through affairs. not me. one shag of another person and your out mate.

But Dittany i don't think this thread asking for help should be your soapbox.

I think that you should perhaps go to relationship counselling like relate. i think they do sexual counselling too.

this is all about boundries, respect and trust.

you have your boundries, he might think they aren't important, but should respect that they are important to you and thereofre desist. In the process, you may come to understand his thought process in doing this act. he is probably not comparing you or wanting you do stick 15 vibes up your arse, he just wants to whack one off.

we shall have to disagree, but i did also mention that you had a good point too

That Price of Pleasure thing is really disturbing - may not be helpful to the OP as I imagine it would be quite hard to handle if you are currently in the sort of situation she describes, but in general anyone who thinks porn is harmless should watch it. As the film points out, some fairly extreme things seem to be the norm, degradation of women being a big theme, and it is difficult for viewers of porn to move from one 'world' to another without it spilling over.

"I'd put my foot down very firmly."

Yes, Shineynewthings - treat him like a toddler and he will probably do the exact opposite tow the line.

My DP watches porn, and although part of my mind (the logical side) knows it doesn't mean he cares for or desires me less, the emotional side takes it as him not finding me attractive at all.

So I spoke to him about it, explained how it made me feel. So, although he hasn't stoppped watching porn (and I don't want to make him - I should add, I own a few toys of my own that I should really give up if I expect him to give up on his) we understand each other better, and have reached a compromise. He is always reassuring me, and our sex life has actually improved after that conversation.

I needn't be the end of your relationship. Try and talk to him, it's unlikely he wants to hurt you, and probably (misguidedly) thought it would hurt you less if he did it in secret. If he understands what it is that makes you uncomfortable about porn, then maybe you can reach a compromise.

Really hope you sort things out.

you absolutely cannot tell him not to watch porn and masturbate.

that is the bottom line.

you're not in charge of him and he has every right to have a fantasy that has nothing to do with you.

similarly, you have every right to your feelings but i struggle to see why this should break up an otherwise happy relationship.

i also can't see why you've mentioned having babies and breastfeeding, as if him masturbating somehow directly undermines your efforts to be a family... he's not being unfaithful to you or your children. it is a wholly natural act that has been observed by most primates. daily masturbation has also been linked to improved sperm quality and fertility!if he chooses to use imagery of consenting females to create fantasies, that's his business.

married or not, you can't own someone's imagination.

observed IN most primates... and other animals BTW. here's a link about autoerotocism if you're interested-

here

totally agree with blinks.
You don't own his brain or his penis

He's doing it in secret because it bothers you. If it didn't bother you, he wouldn't need to do it secretly....

It's quite unfair to get him to stop (I'd feel it was unfair if my DH asked me to stop checking out porn!)