To want to wait another couple of years for kids?

[Kiwiinkits]

OK here goes. I'm a career girl. I have a great job which required a lot of hard slog to attain (2 degrees, advanced post-grad quals, long hours in the early years). I'm 30, and I've just reached the point in my career which has me running projects, flying around the world to advise clients, managing staff, earning great money etc. Things are going well in the career department shall we say. Thing is, I'm getting married in a few months. My husband to be is 40, wants kids, and wants to start TTC immediately. He is in consulting, runs a business from home, and is successful in his own right. I like kids and I think I would be a great Mum, if I chose to give my job up. I think he'd be a great Dad, too, but sometimes I wonder whether he realises what sacrifices children require. I think he likes the thought of being a Dad, but he probably won't like the reality as much, IYSWIM. Can't see him really sticking with being a SAHD. Thing is, I don't really know if I can manage both a great job and a great family life. The age old dilemma for us modern girls!
My parents were wonderful to us growing up. My mother, who was a SAHM, gave us 100% attention and love. I want to be able to do the same. It just means sacrificing so much...

So. AIBU to ask my husband to be to give me a couple more years of career? Or, should I just realise that there's never a good time to start a family and just jump right in?

Thanks

How would you manage, practically, if you had kids? Most mums like to work part time, say 2-3 days a week, because the reality of life with children is that it is incredibly tedious and physical work, which you might find frustrating when your husband is still having a nice, stimulating life all day and being financially rewarded for his mental work - while you are at home doing laundry and washing up for 12 hours a day.

Is there a way you could use your career to work, perhaps self-employed, in a part-time capacity?

You seem to want to give up work but what if you hate being at home with the children? If you are really bored and want a bit of intellectual stimulation after a few months?

I would think about how you could perhaps live with a decent work-life balance in the near future - then you won't have to see this decision as 'giving it all up' and perhaps you can see it as a new and rewarding stage of life, where you won't have to put all your skills into a bin for the next 20 years.

you don't have to give up your job to be a great mum (I hope)

if you have any doubts at all then it is the wrong time to start trying.

sounds like you really enjoy your job and the travel - there is just no way you'd be able to maintain that with small children.

so stick to your guns otherwise you'll be frustrated.

at age 30 another few years shoulnd't make any huge difference to fertility - there are no guarantees but that shouldn't be your prime motivator?

Um. Why can't you keep your job, and have kids ? You can still travel for work, and neither of you have to stay home all the time. It's a full on kind of life, but it doesn't mean giving your children less love and attention.

If your DH to be is already home based, then that immediatly puts you in a good home-work balance place.

But if you aren't ready to have children, don't rush into it. Take the time to be a married couple first, and then a family

Oh, the travel thing. I've been travelling internationally for work for 10 years now - 3.5 of which I have had a DS. We don't have any family help, or a nanny, and it works out fine.

You don't have to quit work. Could you return part time? Perhaps DH could go part time too and you could share care? Or there are good nurseries! If you are in a position to save you can take a full year off which is probably more than enough SAHMing, believe me!

But at 30 you can certainly afford to wait a couple of years if you don't feel ready.

Not sure if thhis helps but pretend to be looking back on your life and imagine how you would want it to be. Do you want it all to be about your career? Do you want several children? Forget the small stuff for a moment such as child minding. Look at the sort of life you hope to have had with or without children.

Don't assume that when you decide that you want children it will hapen automatically. You may find it difficult TC in a few more years and may need help which could take a few more years to sort out. (I don't want to be Doctor Doom or anything just putting thoughts into the mix)
Your job sounds great and interesting. I am not for or against people working or not. I believe it's what works best for that particular family.

Good Luck with your decision Kiwi..

It might be worth getting your fertility checked out if you decide to wait a couple of years ,just to make sure there is nothing which could lessen your chances of concieving .

I don't have the same job that you do, I'm a teacher, but it requires loads of at home work as well as at work work iyswim. The hours are excellent for being able to see DS, though and I have a long lunch break each day. I went back to work quite early on (just a bit less than 3 months old) - needs-must, not a choice really. But I didn't feel I "gave up" anything. I felt like I gained something wonderful. Life is definitely more hectic now than it was, but so worthwhile and I don't regret a thing. We weren't ready. We wanted to wait another year - it happened early by accident.
The thing is, if we waited that year, we'd still be waiting as we wouldn't be ready and could still use more time iykwim.

I'm not saying you should ttc, just saying if you wait for the "right time" you might be waiting a lifetime. But then again, if you know it's not the right time, wait a bit. As cmotdibbler said, enjoy being a couple for a little while first.

But, do know that having a child will not cause you to give up your career. Unless you want to. Being a SAHM doesn't make you a better mom. A working mom can be just as in tune with her kids as a sahm.

I like the idea of pretending to look back on your life...
but, if I were to look back like that 2 years ago (ds is 13 months) I would have thought very differently than I do now. Having child changes your perspective on a lot of things. You can't explain it and you just won't know until it happens.

YANBU.

You only seem to want to give up work because your mother did. You are a self confessed career girl and I think you will utterly miserable wiping arses and doing menial chores - and this is about 80% of SAHmotherhood for the first 5 years.

My typical day with my 1 and 4 year old was like this.

Rise with 1 year old 5.30 am

Give bottle and breakfast

Wash and dress 1 year old

Put load of washing on

7.30 am 4 year old rises

Give breakfast and drink

Wash and dress four year old

8.30 eat own breakfast whilst supervising children closely (you cannot leave children this age in the same room alone)

Play with children. Answer interminal nonsensical questions

10 am put 1 year old down for a nap, go upstairs leaving 4 year old drawing/playing on computer or simply following you around, to wash, dress and finally get a bra on.

10.45 wash up breakfast pots, wipe kitchen table down, and sweep under the table as cereal is all over the floor. Pick up all the lego.

11.15 put coat and shoes on both boys, to walk four year old to preschool.

11.45 arrive at preschool, drop off four year old, take 1 year old into town as it is not worth the half hour walk home to pick up in 3 hours. Go to Morrisons, buy something for dinner, take 1 year old to a cafe for lunch, walk to doctors to drop in repeat prescription. Walk back to preschool to cllect 4 year old.

3.30pm arrive home. Put 1 year old for very quick nap, and deal with tantrum about chocolate from overtired four year old. Continue to answer interminal nonsensical questions, this time delivered in a fetching monopitched whine. Prepare vegetables and potatoes for children's tea, and some vegetables for your own dinner later (I don't like to eat at 4.45!), and be moaned at by tired 4 year \old.

3.50 - veg is prepared, 1 year old is awake, hungry, and not happy. he cries continually. You balance him on your hip to continue with dinner, whilst answering questions about why baby is allowed to be in the kitchen when the four year old isn'ty, and how it's not fair, and informed that you are probably the owrst mummy in the world and, in fact, the four year old hates you.

4.45 - serve chicken, vegetables and mashed potatoes. The four year old hates this, it is boring. He is hungry, and wants cereal, or cheese. The 1 year old eats it ravenously, which just about stems your frustrated tears, but he is very independent and does drop a huge amount on the floor as he refuses to be spoon fed. You dish out yoghurt to the 1 year old, triggering absolute hysterics from four year old who hasn't even tasted dinner, and now hates you. Again.

5.45 - you take both children straight upstairs for a bath, wash them, dry them and pyjama them. 1 year old does massive poo. YOu rechange his nappy, and his pyjamas (the nappy leaked)

6 30 - you are all downstairs, (you are exhausted and need tea and dinner).If you have a partner, this will be the point at which he will waltz in and ask what is for dinner. Try not to throw anything at him, legally this is domestic abuse. If you don't have a partner or he isn't around for any reason, you then have the fun of "two child bedtime"

The best way I found was this

6.45 pm - 1 year old into cot with warm bottle of milk and a story. Stroke head, remove bottle, and go downstairs

7pm - play simple game with 4 year old who feels neglected throughout bedtime for the 1 year old.

7.15 pm. - put four year old to bed (they share a room, so if you aren't lucky the 1 year old will still be awake, the four year old will climb into his cot and they won't drop until 9)

7.30 pm - four year old is down again, complaining of hunger. you provide quick drink of milk and pack off to bed.

Load washing machine (yes, again). Clear table, sweep floor again. Start own dinner.

8.30 pm sit down to own dinner. Four year old wishes to inform you that he has found a button in his bed, and that you are to guess what colour it is.

You pack four year old off to bed. This action wakes 1 year old, who screams. You go to settle one year old, he isn't happy, and this takes a while.

9.15 Both children asleep. Your dinner is cold and ruined. You grab 3 rounds of bread and butter and eat them with crisps, topping up with a bowl of Honey Waffles with full fat milk, as by now you are hungry, exhausted and miserable.

10pm - winch yourself off the sofa, and go to bed.

2 am - 1 year old wakes up, demanding a drink.Provide drink

If you are used to a pleasant predictable day, being a SAHM is hell on earth. Think very carefully before you do it, because if any of the children you do have happens to have special needs, the above will be your life pretty much forever.

Yes - personally, if I was 30 and REALLY WANTED CHILDREN at some point in the future, I would start now, because I wouldn't want to take the risk of not having children

But it is a personal decision - and depends what else is important to YOU

But as people here are pointing out, it does not have to be one or the other

good post colditz

I think that what people without children don't realise is that the screaming, annoying children in Sainsbury's/weddings ARE NORMAL CHILDREN

they are like, really annoying and boring

but it sounds like it does have to be one or the other for this particular career? how could you combine long hours and worldwide travel with small children?

most of my friends wer mid 30's when we finally conceded that it was now or never. only one of us has been unlucky and not conceived, but maybe that would have been the case age 30 for her?

if fertility is a concern then get it checked out, but if we're talking life fulfilment then it sounds to me like the career is providing that at the moment.

You shouldn't assume that TTC is like buying a new handbag As others have mentioned, fertility starts to decline anyway after the age of 35, but there are lots of people younger than that who struggle. I was in my late 20's and spent nearly 4 years ttc.

There's never a 'right' time to have children. By the time you have waited to be financially secure, a health issue may pop up. If you are in good health, you might not be financially stable. Your relationship might be in fantastic condition, but you are living in a tiny flat at the top of a building with 10 flights of stairs and no option to move in the foreseeable future. You always have to make what you might consider to be a sacrifice - such is the nature of parenthood.

I like the idea of looking to the future. Yes, the early years are going to be difficult and no-one would wish a day up to your elbows in all sorts of shit (literal, metaphorical, fantastical) upon themselves, but I think about Christmases in 20 years time and what I want the scene to look like and that helps to crystallize things.

To be honest, I would honestly say "Don't let the baby brained idealists lead you to believe that this is the only way to be happy"

It's blisteringly hard work and it doesn't ever let up.

In 20 years time at Christmas, regardless of what you want the scene to look like, you'll be sat on you own, as your 19 year old will be at her boyfriend's, and your 16 year old will be in his room on a games console.

Don't glamorise the different ages of childhood. They all have their charms, and they all have their drawbacks. Christmas with teenagers is nowhere near as fab as Christmas with a 6 year old and a 3 year old.

lol colditz

IME the only people who have the GREAT family christmas are those families which are dripping in generations of money

everyone else is miserable

does that help

i hope in 20 years time that they will both be off with their friends and we will be enjoying xmas on a tropical beach somewhere! not sure how that helps wuith family planning decisions really?!

Colditz- the government should employ you to give talks in schools

Hmmm. Am not a 'baby-brained idealist'. However don't let the "run-down realists lead you to believe this is the way to be unhappy"

It will never be the perfect time on dc2 I was afraid I had made a mistake right up to 12 weeks then I saw her and fell in love.

With children you kinda have to go with the flow IMO I always thought I would stick with my career and go back to work however while I was studying law I caught for dc1 and when he was born I discovered that everything I had thought changed and I was no longer as career minded I had even thought maybe I would not have kids but the moment I saw him that was it and I had my kids quick and will start back when they are both at school.

The point I am making is you cannot plan anything about motherhood as it is unlike anything you have ever felt before and there is no way for you to tell what you will feel like. Most of the time it is hard demamding but very rewarding and it mostly means struggeling through and finding a way and you always do you may want to go back to work you may not but you cannot base your choice on what your mam did you have to do whats right for you.

You are never going to wake one day and think this is it the perfect time I want kids IME. I think you should sit down and think about whether you want kids and if so what will have changed to make it a better time 5 years down the line and then decide but you cant plan it all out that is why I love being a mother it is all about going with the flow.

"the reality of life with children is that it is incredibly tedious and physical work, which you might find frustrating when your husband is still having a nice, stimulating life all day and being financially rewarded for his mental work - while you are at home doing laundry and washing up for 12 hours a day"

I don't see SAHM v WOHD like this at all.

For me the reality of life with children is that you have a wonderful time looking after your own kids, setting your own agenda, being your own boss, pottering around the house doing cleaning, cooking and washing (all of which would need to be done anyway whether SAHM or WOHM), while your DH slogs his guts out for 50 hours a week hardly seeing his kids to earn the money to pay the bills.

I know a lot of women find childcare tedious but it doesn't have to be that way. I have twins btw so it is not like it has been easy. But I have loved every minute and don't want to work outside of the home (although I still work PT, but I will quit after next baby).

My mum was a SAHM and I always knew I wanted too. I am a journalist and work for a national magazine so I have a 'good' career. But being a mum is the most enjoyable and rewarding job I have ever done and maybe the OP would feel the same.

You should at least be prepared for the fact that you might not want to work that much after having kids. But if you do, then many women juggle a career and children successfully, especially if they have a DH who is hands-on with the childcare and domestic chores.