To want to wait another couple of years for kids?

[Kiwiinkits]

OK here goes. I'm a career girl. I have a great job which required a lot of hard slog to attain (2 degrees, advanced post-grad quals, long hours in the early years). I'm 30, and I've just reached the point in my career which has me running projects, flying around the world to advise clients, managing staff, earning great money etc. Things are going well in the career department shall we say. Thing is, I'm getting married in a few months. My husband to be is 40, wants kids, and wants to start TTC immediately. He is in consulting, runs a business from home, and is successful in his own right. I like kids and I think I would be a great Mum, if I chose to give my job up. I think he'd be a great Dad, too, but sometimes I wonder whether he realises what sacrifices children require. I think he likes the thought of being a Dad, but he probably won't like the reality as much, IYSWIM. Can't see him really sticking with being a SAHD. Thing is, I don't really know if I can manage both a great job and a great family life. The age old dilemma for us modern girls!
My parents were wonderful to us growing up. My mother, who was a SAHM, gave us 100% attention and love. I want to be able to do the same. It just means sacrificing so much...

So. AIBU to ask my husband to be to give me a couple more years of career? Or, should I just realise that there's never a good time to start a family and just jump right in?

Thanks

I've read your OP, and the responses (splendid from Colditz) and I have to say I don't think you're ready for children yet. If you've just got your career going, and have 2 degrees etc, but would expect to SAHM because that's what your mother did, then I don't think you should go for it yet.

Here's something you don't often hear - it's possible to love your child/ren to the moon and back, and yet resent them to hell. Even small resentments - like missing the bus to the library because he couldn't concentrate on getting his shoes on - can build up if you spend too long wrapping your own life around them. Imagine the resentment you might feel when you're reading Winnie-the-Franchise for the 50th time and wondering what the point of those 2 degrees was.

Take some more time and find out who you are in yourself, and what sort of a husband your fiance is going to be. Look for career opportunities which might be a bit more compatible with motherhood - or decide that you're going to keep your existing career going and earn enough for a decent live-in nanny. Or even decide that you want to have children more than anything else and the rest doesn't matter.

But make it a choice from the heart that you're absolutely sure about, so you can keep the regrets down to a minimum, and know that you were aiming for something you wanted even if it all goes astray...

Fair enough gladders. Maybe Christmas was a bad example.

'Realist' =- key word, Lllama.

I'm actually not unhappy.Mine are 6 and 3 now, and it's mostly roses.

But I wasn't a career girl. I didn't give anything up to become a SAHM, apart from a menial job in a care home that I was made redundant from anyway. I lost nothing and gained the world - I'm not sure I'd have felt that way about quitting a stimulating job I DID like for the drudgery that is staying at home.

Not only does your fertility decline but your chance of having a child with a disability increases--good luck with decision

neenz: I prefaced my statement with 'might' The fact is that lots of women do feel this way, and I think if you have spent a lot of your life studying and being involved in stimulating work then some women find the reality of life with children fecking awful hard work

Of course there are moments of sheer bliss and transcendental joy, which give you insights into the meaning of life, but I find that it tends to be 1 moment of nirvana for every 12 hours of hoovering up Rice Crispies, which is rather hard work TBH. Much easier to give it all and be a Buddhist monk.

I'd really recommend reading The Mask of Motherhood and Misconceptions. I found both immensely useful reading before I had children. It really helped me decide on the sort of balance I wanted for my life, and helped me take practical steps to be the sort of parent and partner that I wanted to be.

I disagree that "if you have any doubts at all then it is the wrong time to start trying". It's perfectly normal to have some doubts, or at least it can be. I doubt everything, me. But, of course, that doesn't mean it's the right time to start trying, either.

Do you definitely want children at some point?

Is your job going to be significantly different in a couple of years? Easier to take a break then?

You do sound as though you feel you "have to" give up your job and be a SAHM largely because that's what your mother did and that's what worked for your family then. But you are not your mother and the solution that works for your new family now won't necessarily be the same. Some in-between arrangement where (say) you cut back to working 4 days/week, your DH cuts back to working 3 days/week and you use good childcare for 2 days/week might well be the best option for you.

Personally, I went back to work FT after DS was born. I don't think he's suffered at all from that. And now he's started school I've cut back to part-time so I'm around for him after school.

At 30, I would probably give it another one or two years, but not more than that if I knew I definitely wanted children with the man I was with at that point.

Hmm, had never thought about it that way colditz - I too gave up a job that, whilst in my experience was stimulating, I wasn't particularly enjoying. I wonder if someone who did really enjoy their career might resent the changes having children might bring to it, particularly if they felt they had children children before they were truly 'ready'.

you have time but on the other hand it might take you two years to conceive anyway. You might end up like me, 2 years down the line and still no baby.

How about getting a health check done, having your hormones tested just to make sure there are no problems?

And anyway - it sounds like your husband will be able to do a lot of the childcare so you will still be able to have a career with kids. You could easily go back to work after 6 months if you want to and childcare is available.

If you want kids go for it. Just be prepared for your life to change.

Kiwiinkits, your post rings so many bells with me! I ended up with an accidental surprise pregnancy aged 29, when I was just getting to a very good place in my career. I had another baby 2 years later (planned this time).

Going from being a career woman with teams and budgets and projects to manage to someone who spends her days cleaning up poo and singing 'The Wheels on the Bus' was a huge huge shock to me with DS1. With DS2 though I loved it, because it was what I wanted to do. I went back to work f/t after DS1 and will have to do so again in a couple of months - though hopefully only for a year or two then I'll cut right down or give up work altogether. IME, in answer to your question can you manage a great job and a great family life - yes you can, but as a mum you'll undoubtedly end up feeling guilty about everything and find that something has to give. For me, it's my career; it's just not a priority to me any more, so I can't give it the time and dedication to do it well. There just aren't enough hours in the day to be a great mum, great employee, great wife and still find some time to look after yourself.

I don't think YABU to ask your husband for a couple more years but I can understand why he wants to start a family soon. My DH always looks ahead to how old we'll be when our kids have flown the nest, maybe it's more of a man thing to think that way. I also feel like I've aged about 20 years since having children! But ultimately you need to be ready and the fact that you're even asking this question makes me think you're not really ready yet. Though is anyone ever really ready? Probably not. Sorry - after such a long post I should really be able to come up with something more helpful than that!

If you want a job and a baby then you can do that!. I am a SAHM BUT I have always know that I want my life to be just as it is now - I NEVER wanted a high flying career or to be jetting around the place. If you enjoy your work and dont want to give it up you can still have kids BUT you cant be a SAHM AND have a career (I plan on probably teacher training once my kids are older but it sounds like your career isnt the type you could get back into after a break).

No one can tell you when to have a baby, age has to be a factor and also I think your partners wishes have to be factored in as well otherwise disagreeing over the most basic points of your future life together is not the best start to a marriage!

Forgot to add that I dont find being a SAHM boring but I do alot outside the house as well.I also dont have any experience of the life you describe to compare to

God - all these stories of SAHM drudgery are depressing! I stepped off a career ladder to be a SAHM (degrees and post grad qualifications a plenty) and I LOVE it. I don't regret it for a second and it's 100 times more rewarding than clinging to the rung of a corporate ladder. I'm not a baby brained idealist (although I like the terminology and will use it in future arguments) but OMG reading this thread would be enough to convince Ma Duggar to stop reproducing

It took me several years to get pregnant and I started trying when I turned 30. My job was stressful and involved long hours and I only got pregnant when I had a few weeks off sick recovering from a fertility op. Bingo, I got pregnant.

I went back full-time after DS1 as I found it very difficult to be at home with him. I now have DS2 and I don't want to go back at all; somehow now what I previously found very tedious I really enjoy. This has corresponded with a change in how I feel about my career. I no longer see myself returning to that particular career and will probably have a few years with the boys before doing something completely different. The thought of doing my old career for the rest of my working life fills me with horror, frankly! You don't know how you'll feel until you experience the reality of children. Colditz summed my day up pretty well, frankly!

YANBU - I think you and your H2B should agreee to enjoy just being married for one year before you TTC. It's a good idea to get your fertility checked out if you feel yours (& your H2B's) life would be incomplete without children in the long term.

I got PG with DD1 within 6 months of meeting DH. I don't regret it but I do sometimes think that it would have been fun to have more time for just the 2 of us. However, I was 30 and v broody.

I too thought I would want to be a SAHM like my own mother. However, my days are now a lot like Colditz lovely description. I was forced to go back to work PT for financial reasons and am now MUCH happier .

Oops - I put the (& your H2B's) in the wrong place. I meant get his bits of bobs checked out for fertility too

The fact that being a SAHM was great for your Mum does not mean it will be good for you too. You can combine career and motherhood - just investigate local childcare options and try to think how it could work out. If your DH wants children early, after all he must be prepared to share childcare surely?

I am a SAHM at the moment and I hate it (had flash international career before). I am looking for a job and hopefully will regain some balance soon. I love my daughter to bits, but I cannot wait to be back at work!

Holy shit colditz!!

I totally get the OP. I have only just now finally accepted that in order to have kids, I will actually have to get pregnant, give birth etc. Up until now it's been 'yeah I want to have kids, just not yet'.

I'm 38 and have been ttc for about 5 months now. I'm not downhearted (yet!) but if you ask on the 30's ttc board we all feel we've kind of been sold a lie: that sex leads to pregnancy.

I spent so long trying to avoid pg in my youth that I had this idea that one shag led to instant pg, and 9 months later, instant healthy baby. It just isn't like that.

I don't know if I'd change anything looking back, but I'm keen to get my skates on now. I look at women my age with kids who are 2, 3 years old and think shit, I should be at that stage and look at me - I'm not even pg.

Nobody can make you have kids, it is your own body. 30 isn't old, you do have many years of ttc left. But it is amazing ime how many years can slip by whilst still thinking 'I've got ages yet' then realising that actually you haven't.

I have 2 degrees and look after children for a living; this thread makes me feel like a total muppet & that I must surely hate my life!?

OP sadly none of us can tell you if the time is right for you to become a mum. It's something you need to talk about with your other half, he is 40 so there may be fertility issues for him, you are career minded so might hate being a SAHM, you may have fertility issues, the world might implode tomorrow ad nauseum. There will always be an "issue" to make you dobut the timings and that is because becoming a prent is bloody scary and you want to make sure you're setting yourself up for a successful future.

You wont know until you make the jump or become a fortune teller I'm afraid.

But I agree with others that you don't have to become a SAHM; I work as a chldminder and each child I look after is loved dearly by their parents and the child loves the parent/s too.

The key is to be a good parent and you can do that regarless of where you might work.

the thing is, your career will always be there to pick up - conceiving doesn't work the same way. You only have a certain amount of eggs.

As someone else says there's definately no right or perfect time to have a baby. For some of us it just happens (happy accident). I'm a great believer in Fate so for me, to fall pg when I did was obviously meant to be.
I will focus on my career in my 40s and 50s when DC are grown up, like what many others do.

Soory to boot the door down with my realist boots on, but a career will NOT necessarily always be there. If you try to do an extremely demanding job whilst secretly believing you should be at home with your children, guilt will eat your heart.

If you try to continue a career that is demanding whilst living with a 1 year old and a 4 year old, with the best will in the world your performance can still suffer.

YOu will be less reliable - sick children = 1 parent off work and you would be shocked at how often this is not the father - something to discuss BEFORE having babies.

If you take 7 years off work to see two children into school, employers will see it as having been unemployed for 7 years. This does not make you a particularly desirable employment prospect.

Your industry may move on.

NONE of the above are reasons to not have children - they are reasons to struggle through the miasmic broodiness that befuddles all reasoning in the face of fluffy with bootees, and think about what you are actually doing to your life, and whether that is a change you want.

This has made me laugh - Colditz that is my day except mine at 1 and 2. I had my first at 29, younger than most of my friends and second 18 months later. We are pretty much th eonly coupld in our pre-babies sets of friends with 2 kids and you do feel a bit like you are at different stages of life a lot of the time. Being a SAHM from that kind of career is a big leap. I did it for a while bujt have also worked 1 / 1.5 days a week and think that, for me, that is the better balance.

Everyone is different but the main question is what would you regret the most. We decided to TTC a year after we got married when we had a false alarm and I realised I was a bit disappointed . We then had a miscarriage, which was awful, and then had DD1. I knew that, much as I loved my job, I couldn't live with myself if I had wasted any time trying for a baby because I knew that, whatever else I wanted to do in life, trying to become parents was the most important thing for DH and me. I have loads of friends who are happy to wait and, for them, that makes perfect sense too.

Being a parent is incredible, and I love my girls to pieces, but what it gives you back is so different from what you get from your job that it is unfair to compare the two. The main question is what is most important to you.

Finally, we were brought up in a differfent world from that we are bringing babies into now. Each to their own in terms of working, but whatever you do, you can't expect to recreate an 80s childhood for any kids you do have and you have had a different life from your Mum's. It isn't failure not to give your child exactly what you had, it is evolution that they get different benefits

Apologies for spelling...more haste less speed my MIL would say!