To want to wait another couple of years for kids?

[Kiwiinkits]

OK here goes. I'm a career girl. I have a great job which required a lot of hard slog to attain (2 degrees, advanced post-grad quals, long hours in the early years). I'm 30, and I've just reached the point in my career which has me running projects, flying around the world to advise clients, managing staff, earning great money etc. Things are going well in the career department shall we say. Thing is, I'm getting married in a few months. My husband to be is 40, wants kids, and wants to start TTC immediately. He is in consulting, runs a business from home, and is successful in his own right. I like kids and I think I would be a great Mum, if I chose to give my job up. I think he'd be a great Dad, too, but sometimes I wonder whether he realises what sacrifices children require. I think he likes the thought of being a Dad, but he probably won't like the reality as much, IYSWIM. Can't see him really sticking with being a SAHD. Thing is, I don't really know if I can manage both a great job and a great family life. The age old dilemma for us modern girls!
My parents were wonderful to us growing up. My mother, who was a SAHM, gave us 100% attention and love. I want to be able to do the same. It just means sacrificing so much...

So. AIBU to ask my husband to be to give me a couple more years of career? Or, should I just realise that there's never a good time to start a family and just jump right in?

Thanks

I work full time and have done since dd was 5 months old.
I am a career girl and always have been, like you (op) I am well educated and my job involves a lot of travel plus long hours.

My situation was different to yours when I had dd in that my role then was very poorly paid, however, that i because I was still training and studying, I knew if I did not go back to work I would lose my career and would be worse off later in life.

So I employed a full time childminder. Housework was just "maintained" for the first couple of years but eventually got easier as my wages improved and I could get a cleaner.

I am quite shocked at the amount of barbed posts on here alluding to degenerating fertility etc.
The op is 30, yes some women do have more trouble conceiving at this age and older but lots and lots of women don't.

You can have a career and be a parent, you just need to have excellent back up as well as a fantastic ability to prioritise your time.

If you can afford it and have space get a live in nanny. If not get either live out nanny or childminder.
If you can afford a cleaner get one, ditto with the oroning.
Negotiate to work from home where feasible as well.
I have worked a combination of at home/in the office and on site for a few years now and it works extremely well for me.
I can be flexible when I need to be.

I am loving this thread. Glad to hear what other peoples lives are like i.e. in a realistic rather than rose tinted 'isn't parenthood great way'.

I had DS1 age 34 (2 months to conceive). I never felt broody. DH is 5 years older than me and was much more broody. I was a full time career girl doing a lot of travelling abroad (i.e. trips to the US every other month and Europe every few months). I went back to work 3 days a week when DS was 7 months. He was in a local nursery and for the first month I popped in at lunchtime to bfeed. Initially I had to change my job and cut down on the travel.

I went back to work full time when DS was 2.5 and he went to nursery full time. I did manage to continue to travel and did a couple of long distance trips but no where near as often but its not PC to travel so much now (not environmentally friendly). I do webinars instead.

I am now on maternity leave with DD (4 weeks). My work will be happy for me to come back whenever I want and part time if I want. I realise that this is a very good position to be in and others aren't as lucky.

When I go back to work the issues will be childcare for DS who will be going to school and getting DD settled into nursery.

My DH is a teacher which means he can cover holidays and has a short working day which does help. He is v hands on with the kids too and housework. We also have a cleaner. We do not have family living nearby so no babysitters or helpers locally. If you had these too that would be great.

Personally I need to hang on to my career as its part of my identity. I love my kids and will probably be working part time for a couple of years but I will be able to do a bit of both working and childcare.

I think you have to think long term. Once your kids are established at school what are you going to do? It's not that far off.

The thing is alot of women are happy to put their career on hold - it honestly is not the be all and end all if you pause for a few years (ok, maybe 5 or 6 or 7) to be a SAHP. The whole world won't collapse if you're not in 'employment' so to speak.

That's good that many enjoy their work and career and carry on, but for others they are happy to sit back and enjoy the good and bad aspects of being a SAHP and leaving the career for a bit.

IMHO the sooner TTC the better. Many fall quickly but for some of us (even in our 20s) it can be difficult.

For me the having a family thing outweighs the career. It is far easier to start a new career or pick up where you left off, than it is to guarantee you'll fall pg in 6 months time, for example, IMHO.

Ask him to wait two years.

Having children isn't - in my experience - fun and enjoyable. It is however extraordinarily fulfilling.
I love my job, but I had ds at 30, another two years later. My career has undoubtedly suffered, even though I work pt, and when at home I find domesticity horrendous.

However, as I see many of my friends and family having to to go through the heartbreak of IVF, and adoption, I am glad I had my kids when I did.

Celebrities make it seem you can have kids at anytime - the ones who use IVF in their 40's almost always use donor eggs. I think there's a bit of a conspiracy of silence over the infertility thing.

why cant you work return at 6months have nanny or nursery.keep career

but if you dont feel ready don't have a baby because you feel compelled.it is so life changing that you have to be sure

Just to add, as my last note on the subject, what I described was NOT a bad day, it was a normal day. A bad day would be me being woken up at 1 in the morning with an asthma attack from either of them, having to take a child to hospital in an ambulance to get it stabilised, and then continuing where I left off when I get back at around 7 am.

You most likely wouldn't have to deal with the above scenario, as a SAHMof two you would definitely be dealing with the first scenario daily.

or be a working mum.nursery care and you maintain career.if you can afford it why chose compromise and domestic drudgery

If I was in your shoes the first thing I would do is sit down with your dh and discuss childcare options. Is he prepared to cut back on work (don't assume that because he works at home he'll be up for doing the childcare), how do you both feel about the nursery/nanny option etc. Until you have an honest discussion about the practicalities then you don't know where you are.

I totally get that you want to give your child the type of upbringing that you had but you are not your mother. You might be more like her than you know and discover that you LOVE being a SAHM or you might be storing up a whole load of frustration and resentment by setting yourself unattainable goals. I've always been career orientated - for better or worse my job defines me - but I also wanted to be there for my dc's. I've compromised by trying to split the difference (self employed, working from home, still travelling a lot). The end result has kind of worked - but when I'm working I feel like I should be with the dc's and when I'm with the dc's I feel like I should be working. Also I've found myself turning down prestigious projects because of my 'obligations' to my family - sometimes I feel like that's a good thing, but in my darker moments I feel resentful about it.

For me the bottom line is that you can't have it all - you can't have a fab full-time career and be a stay at home Mum. But - with support, determination and compromise - you can be there for your kids much of the time while also maintaining some kind of professional life which gives you self-esteem and a sense of achievement. That said - you might find that you get that from being a hands-on Mum.

The most important thing to remember is that you will be one of TWO parents - each equally important in your child's life. So you need to be utterly honest with your dh and he with you - together you'll make the right decision.

pivotal to this is honest discussion and explore how you both envisage parenthood and its practicalities

him working at home doesn't mean he can watch baby.home working males rigorous demands too mat leave give time to explore options how you feel at home long term

if you do sahm how will you maintain career/specialist knowledge /contacts.or can you take break and go back in

i will add that fertility problems are so commonplace you really do have to consider them as a real possibility.

only one of ten couples attending my sisters wedding conceived naturally. she has been TTc 5 years since then - in perfect health. she hates her DH for asking her to put it off for a few years before then.

it's true though, IMHO, you just can't have it all. working and being a parent must be really tough. I'm exhausted most days as it is being a parent in the home all the time, there's no way I have the mental and physical energy to go out and earn money aswell. I'm sure many others feel that way too.

The fertility issue will always be there regardless of age though. It's not just about being in your 30s.

I really would adivse you to have this converstaion asap. I have recently had a DD (4months) and do not want to be a SAHM. I love her dearly but tbh I need the fulfillment of a career. However, our DD wasn't planned - but is very wanted non the less. I'm taking 7 months off and feel it to be just long enough.

However, there were lots of things which suprised me about the reality of returning to work.

Like others have advised look into childcare available/ options and cost.

I would also look into the working from home scinareo as it will be very difficult for all parties (babies cry very loudly, you will need help and he may struggle to be in work mode) My DP used to do a lot of his paperwork at home which now has had to change. I would reccomend you to see if you ca babysit for a friend on one of your DP's working days and see how he feels after that.

Also I never understood how tiring looking after a child is- mine 'sleeps through' a good 10 - 12 hours now but I am still knackered after all the lifting, entertaining and mental drainage.

This said I believe my life to be more worthwile and happier than ever

Kiwiinkits - DW went through the same dilemma at the same age. Left it 2 more years like you. We started TTC when she was 32. Nothing for a year. Then severe illness, IVF and finally the destruction of her career. We did eventually have 2 lovely DSs who are age 9 and 7 now with DS1 born when she was 36.

The point I am making is that no amount of planning can prepare you for what life throws at you and although just like my DW in a high powered 'flying around the planet' career. She really was a Master of the Universe, totally in charge of her own destiny. Like your DH, I fully supported her in whatever decision she made and offered to be full time SAHD. Despite all that careful thought it still did not work out as she/we had planned.

It never will be the right time but my view (FWIW) is that have children early and re-establish your career ASAP if that is really what you want but do not bank on life working out like you plan it.

Good luck. You will never regret having children and your DH is not getting younger. So do not delay too long. Being a SAHD is very hard work.

Kiwiinkits- I would take time negotiating with your dh first. My db was very keen to have his family, while his wife was equally anxious to do a second degree and start a new career. In the end they compromised: she had the babies, but he stayed at home looking after them while running a business from home at the same time. 7 years later, that is where they're still at. Working well for them.

pivotal is open frank communication.it is hard to conceptualise life with children until you have one.

but certainly have a frank discussion
pragmatic factors like finances eg mortgage,outgoings,existing commitments etc

and good luck whatever you decide.we are all different it is very individual choice.and whatever works for you both is right choice

It sounds like you are not ready to start a family.

I also had a very successful career, traveling lots, big projects, great prospects. But I always knew I wanted to be a mum so DH and I decided to start a family, got pregnant straight away and had my first baby at 31.

Turns out my DS was born with special needs. DH and I always knew that for us it was important that I stayed with our babies for a few years, I couldnt have left him with a nanny. But because of his needs I stayed home for longer than expected 4.5 years in total.

Thankfully, because I had a good career previously I have been able to get in touch with contacts and start my career again.

Would I change anything? Hand in my heart NO I wouldnt. That little boy is worth more than any project or trip. Has it been hard work? More than I could have ever imagined.

Bottom line is, I was ready for it and so glad that I made the most of my career years before having children.

I don't think YABU - and importantly you have obviously given alot of thought to how you feel so next step has to be to talk to DH to be about this.

I kept putting the decision off myself because of my career, but as friends started having children I found myself thinking about that more and more. By 31 I was finally convinced I definitely did want children but it took over a year of TTC so DS1 wasn't born until I was 33 anyway. I managed to work part time quite successfully, at the same level as I had been before, but obviously to some extent it's the luck of the draw in terms of how that works with your job (and as you say you have projects to manage it is possible more difficult in your line of work). DS2 followed shortly after and at that point I changed my role so that I can still work part time but without the responsibilities I used to have.

I would be careful basing your decision on how you want to balance work and children on what your parents did - women have more choice these days whether it is in terms of access to childcare, the acceptance that you can have a high powered job with children (at least it's more accepted than it was 20 years ago!), even just a greater possibility that you can pay someone to do your cleaning / ironing etc (which my parents would never have been able to afford, or have considered, even when both were working).

READ COLDITZ ITS THERE ITS BLACK AND WHITE.

WWII prisoner of war story will help her kiwi decide?remarkable

Colditz's description is accurate but I'm not sure it will help kiwi to decide whether being a SAHM is for her. The facts of the daily routine are there in black and white but there are so many other things and feelings about being a mum that are impossible to describe and are truly wonderful and rewarding!

If it was all about the details that colditz shared, no-one would ever have children, though.

If I could turn the clock back and make sure I was with my dh and able to contemplate having children when I was 30 (we didn't actually meet until I was almost 34;when I was 30 he was still in his first marriage) and if I could know what I know now, I would get stuck in with having babies. We would have had to have fertility treatment anyway as dh had had a vasectomy some years before but, if we could have started earlier, having more than one dc would have been a much more realistic prospect than it turned out to be. We have one dd whom we both adore. I always knew I wanted children so by the time we got together, and once I knew that dh was willing to have a second family, there was no question of delaying for us. Trying for a 2nd wasn't out of the question but for various reasons we decided not to pursue it. While I don't exactly regret that decision, I know that, in other circumstances, I would have loved to have an other child.

I have never been hugely career motivated (though I did, and do, have a career that challenges and satisfies me - after a fashion, anyway) so that choice was much easier for me. But, even so I would never have anticipated how much having my dd changed my priorities. I work part-time - when I did 2-3 days per week, I felt that I had the balance about right. Now I'm doing 4 days per week and dh is doing the same I don't feel quite so happy with my work-life balance (tho happier with my pay packet!).

OP, only you know whether you really want children - and that is definitely a matter you need to be clear about with your H2B before you marry - but, if you do, there is a risk of missing out if you delay too long.

In the end, while there can definitely be wrong times to have a baby, there is no definite right time.

Thank you everyone so much for your posts and thoughts. It has been a huge help (and in some cases, an eye-opener!). I have taken all your comments and reflections on board. I agree its worth having a full and frank discussion with my partner about who does what (including paid helpers), what we're prepared to pay for childcare, home cleaning etc. I still suspect that deep down he has a fairly gendered view of the world and expects that, being the woman I will be the one to make all sacrifices in my life while he happily continues to live his life as it always was... but he may surprise me. Which is why I love him.

And, after all that, if we decide we want to go ahead we may as well jump right in and leave the timing of when I get pregnant to fate (thanks ABetaDad for your comment). So, wish me luck