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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh's parents could have organised his grandad's funeral on a different day.

57 replies

thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/11/2009 10:45

Just called this morning to see how everyone is and if they need any help with anything, FIL gave me date for funeral, is dh's birthday. So now every year his birthday is going to be the day he buried his grandad, just think it is a little insensitive. dh was very very close to his grandad.

OP posts:

NotAnotherNewNappy · 18/11/2009 10:52

You may be being slightly unreasonable - I don't think you get much choice about that sort of thing. They are usually held asap after the coroner has released the body.

nickelbabe · 18/11/2009 10:52

i would assume that they didn't think of the date when they arranged the funeral: it is a tough time and DH's birthday was probably the last thing on their mind.

can you mention it to them? it might not be too late to change the date.

YanknCock · 18/11/2009 10:52

YABU.

Regardless of when the funeral actually takes place, the grandfather's death is always going to be around the same time as your DH's birthday. There's nothing that can be done about that. You may as well think it insensitive of the grandfather to die at this particular time of year.

Original poster

thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/11/2009 11:08

they did realise it was his birthday, and have delayed the funeral for a week to allow people time to make arrangements to get there as they are a long way away. of course I would never say anything and I I think your comment Yank was a little harsh. I also understand that dh's brithday is not the top priority here

OP posts:

borderslass · 18/11/2009 11:10

YABU we had the funeral for my dad on my aunts birthday no-one considers things like this. Yesterday we had my uncles funeral if it was today it's my birthday but so what, its more about remembering the anniversary. And the funeral is now a celebration of their life not as morbid as it used to be in years gone by.

sweetkitty · 18/11/2009 11:10

That is a little bit insensitive.

MIL died the day before DP's birthday, 2 days before DD3's and 7 days before DD1's, DD1 had a little party booked for the day of the proposed funeral but we changed the date so she could still have a party, bit different as she is 5 years old than an adult but his Mum would have gone mad if we had cancelled it.

LilRedWG · 18/11/2009 11:11

I'm sure that they didn't do this to upset him. It can be tricky and sometimes, sadly, you have to go with the date you are given.

If DH is very upset by this maybe he could ask his Mum and Dad if there is any alternative. To be honest though, as his grandfather died so close to his birthday it's going to be tough anyway.

warthog · 18/11/2009 11:13

it is very hard. imo, the date of death is what sticks with you rather than the date of the funeral. that's what i remember with my dad's death whom i was very close to.

don't forget, EVERYONE is hurting here and people react very differently. try as hard as you can not to take offence at this time. people are not themselves, and you need each other's support. yes, it is a little insensitive, but brush it aside and view the day as a special one, to remember your dh's grandfather and celebrate his life.

Rubyrubyruby · 18/11/2009 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 18/11/2009 11:16

It´s possible that the date didn´t register with them as they were organising it all though.

SlartyBartFast · 18/11/2009 11:16

yanbu

however next year he wont think of his granddad's funeral, or the year after, he will think of his granddad - it wont be nice on the day but i bet in years to come he will be fine

Kathyis12feethighandbites · 18/11/2009 11:17

My FIL died on Xmas day but dh and MIL don't let it ruin their Xmas - they just have moment's quiet, maybe go out for a walk together, and then get on with enjoying the rest of the day.
I really really don't think this is going to ruin your dh's birthday in the future.

SlartyBartFast · 18/11/2009 11:17

i for one don't remember days of funerals, just the day that people, like my dad, for eg. died.

OrmIrian · 18/11/2009 11:22

They didn't do it on purpose to upset him. I expect it was the last thing on their minds when they were organising it. They obviously changed the date once to make it easier for people to come and perhaps didn't want to change it again for your DP's birthday. And let's be honest..... it is more of a loss for one of them than for your DP. I think he should be the big man and let it go. And so should you.

2babyblues · 18/11/2009 11:22

There may only be limited choices at the church. They were probably given the options and had to make a decision quickly and if they had already held it off they probably didn't want to delay anymore. It is a stressful time when someone dies and I am sure your husband will understand and support his parents. I wouldn't say anything as you are at risk of making one of the most upsetting times in your husband's parents' lives even worse. Celebrate with your husband the day after when it is all over.

Original poster

thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/11/2009 11:29

I am not going to say anything to anyone. It is a very big loss for dh, he was brought up by his grandparents and they have always lived together as a big family. And he has not even thought anything about the date, it is me that thought it was a bit insensitive, but also I can see that it is of little importance and would never dream of mentioning it. I am trying to do everything I can to support dh and his family and help with things.

OP posts:

benfmsmum · 18/11/2009 11:30

My grandad died just before Christmas, there was a long delay in being able to book the funeral and the first available date was 10th January which was my birthday and worse my gran and grandad's wedding anniversary. My Gran wouldn't have the funeral then and refused the date. So I don't think that you are being unreasonable as it is a bit insensitive. Having said that though, Slarty is right I would think that your dp will remember the day he died not the day he was buried. However what he really should be remembering is all the fun times they had during his life not the one day he left this world!

hormonalmum · 18/11/2009 11:30

YANBU
We organised my dad's funeral for the day before my grandads birthday (even though my grandad had previously died) The funeral was hard enough for my mum without it being on her own dads birthday.

My cousin also arranged her mums funeral at a separate day to her own birthday.

However, we do remember the dates of death rather than funeral dates as Slarty said.

springlamb · 18/11/2009 11:31

This happened to me when FIL died suddenly in 1998. MIL, BIL and DH went to the funeral director to arrange things, came back with the date and then realised to was my birthday. TBH, their distress was so much that I insisted we go ahead as just the making of the arrangements was so incredibly hard for them. I know it was not done deliberately.
The first year afterwards was difficult but as a previous poster said it does fade, you tend to remember the day of the actual death and it's not an issue now. No doubt MIL has a little wobble as she writes my card, but DH is fine about it now - prefers to remember the last time he saw his dad when FIL was his usual fab self.

nickelbabe · 18/11/2009 11:32

people don't remember dates of funerals if they don't coincide with other important dates.

OP: YANBU.

my grandad died 10 days before my birthday and the funeral was 4 days before.
My family went out of their way to try to make up for the fact by arranging outings with my aunts etc for that week.

a funeral in a church takes less than an hour, so i'm pretty sure that that wouldn't make any difference to the date.

It really is unfair to "forget" about the grandson's birthday or to arrange something like a funeral for that date.

one elderly aunt of mine lost her husband on boxing day, and until the day she died she wouldn't have visitors (except her own children) until after the new year because of the dates of the funeral being in the new year. people do remember these things.

and i feel like people are berating the OP for being upset about it: it's not a tiny thing, you know.

benfmsmum · 18/11/2009 11:35

My condolencies to you and your family, by the way

groundhogs · 18/11/2009 11:40

Perhaps there is nothing that can be done to change the date, and if so, perhaps a slightly different perspective for your DH might help. That his GF got to spend one last birthday with his GS, your DH, before the burial....

Dunno if that might help. So sorry for your DH loss.

NancyBotwin · 18/11/2009 11:42

It's a tough call - I always remember my grandad looking really sad once on my birthday when i was a child. Only found out recently that his first wife died (v. young) on the same date. No-one ever bothered to tell me until long after he died. It's just after christmas and I would guess she was ill over Christmas so apparently he was always glad to get Christmas over with - though I understand he did say he was glad that something happy had happened on the same day...

Bucharest · 18/11/2009 11:44

YANBU, no, but one of them has lost a parent for goodness sake.

My cousin's grandmother's funeral was booked on the same day as my step-father's and my Mum was hounded to bloody hell for daring to do such a thing.

She hadn't had a choice in the matter.

It will mess up dh's birthday this one time. And surely grown ups don't go that OTT over birthdays anyway, do they?

Original poster

thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/11/2009 11:45

ground hogs, what a lovely way to look at it.

OP posts:

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