Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh's parents could have organised his grandad's funeral on a different day.

57 replies

thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/11/2009 10:45

Just called this morning to see how everyone is and if they need any help with anything, FIL gave me date for funeral, is dh's birthday. So now every year his birthday is going to be the day he buried his grandad, just think it is a little insensitive. dh was very very close to his grandad.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 18/11/2009 11:46

YABU, my condolances but death coroners and undertakers only have limitied availability...

anyway being a big old grown up is his b day that big a deal???? I dont care anymore

Please dont say anything, they will be upset as it is without this

edam · 18/11/2009 11:48

So sorry for your loss.

Everyone's right that you tend to remember the date someone died, although the funeral being on dh's birthday will make that date stick in your minds a bit more.

In future years, could you try to focus on remembering his Grandad on that day rather than thinking about the funeral itself?

Slightly different, but we had two funerals in very quick succession with FIL and dh's aunt (who lived with his parents throughout his childhood and was basically a second mother). At the time it was very painful indeed but as each year has gone by, we all just remember them, not the dates of the funerals.

Original poster
thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/11/2009 11:51

Can I just be 100% clear, I would never dream of saying anything.

OP posts:
Jux · 18/11/2009 11:54

I'm sorry for what's happened but YABU.

I have just buried my mother and am about to bury my brother. We had the perfect date but then the crematorium couldn't do it so we had to change it.

It is impossible to please everyone and when it comes to it, you just have to please yourself and if others don't like it, tough titty. Sorry, but there's too much other stuff to do, think about, organise, as well the grief. The grief can be so awful that you can't think straight, you can be paralysed by it. Compassion is required in huge measure; believe me, I know.

Pikelit · 18/11/2009 11:55

YABU. I can see where you are coming from but nobody has arranged this funeral in order to blight a birthday. An ADULT birthday at that. Also, it is quite true that nobody remembers the date of a funeral. I'm sure this won't be the happiest of birthdays for your dh but if this is the hardest thing he's had to cope with in his adult life, it isn't exactly crucifying, is it?

LilRedWG · 18/11/2009 12:02

sockmonster - I never for one moment thought that you'd actually say anything.

Take care of yourself and DH, and of course your ILs. It is a horrible time for you all.

Original poster
thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/11/2009 12:03

jux so sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
TheMightyToosh · 18/11/2009 12:06

sockmonster - YANBU for wishing/thinking they could have done it on another day. If they were able to delay it for people to make arrangements to be there, surely they could have also considered your DH's birthday in the arrangements too.

However, you don't know whether they tried and were unable to avoid that date, etc, so probably best to be a little annoyed about it but try not to let it be a big deal. Shift DH's birthday to the weekend this year and make a point of having the nicest day you can with your family after the funeral to try to lift the mood a little, then forget about it.

It is true that people don't remember the date of funerals, and if you have DH's birthday celebrations clearly shifted to another date for this year, he won't have to associate the two events with each other in future years.

CitizenPrecious · 18/11/2009 12:06

YANBU. This is very sad and I do feel for your dh, especially since he was so close to his granddad.

I think that some of the "get over yourself" camp are maybe not appreciating how strong and important a relationship with a grandparent can be- even when you're an adult.

If this was me, and my parents had arranged my Nanna's funeral on my birthday, I would have been even more upset than I was already, iykwim. And it would have stayed with me every birthday. Funerals are grim and miserable things, and they do lodge in the mind, even years afterwards...

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 18/11/2009 12:11

sockmonster, my GF died on his daughter's (my aunt) Birthday. It was sad but never treated as a negative anniversary. I think part of how your DH will feel about it in the future will come down to how it is dealt with. In some ways it has turned out as a "good" thing (not the right word at all) because every birthday we raise a glass to my GF and there is a moment to remember him in a happy way and as part of a good day.

I hope your DH will be ok

and Jux too, sorry for your loss

thumbwitch · 18/11/2009 12:14

YAB a bit U, tbh. My grandpa's funeral was on my bro and sis's birthday - it wasn't chosen deliberately, it was just the day it was arranged because of when he died. They don't still remember it now, honestly.

My family has a bit of a tendency to die around birthdays though...

thumbwitch · 18/11/2009 12:16

sorry, hadn't read 2nd page before posting (will I never learn? )

Jux, so sorry for your troubles, hope you're ok.

MrsSantosisbored · 18/11/2009 12:19

Sorry for your loss and your DH's.

I have been quite a few funerals for close family now, including my mum's. In all honesty, it is the anniversary of death that you remember. I couldn't tell you funeral dates for any of them (and I typed the order of service for some of them). Obviously, it is a downer for his birthday but then if they were close his birthday would be hard this year anyway. On a practical note, funeral dates are not simply at the behest of the family but involve negotiations with funeral directors and church/crematoria and caterers.

IME people do often focus on these little things around the time of a death and feelings are running high anyway. Try not to let this cloud your ability to help your PILs (one of whom has lost a parent). Really in the greater scheme of things it is important. Being there for grieving family is what counts - and I am sure you will be.

MrsSantosisbored · 18/11/2009 12:21

"in the greater scheme of things it is not important"

gagamama · 18/11/2009 12:35

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the loss of others on this thread.

Sadly I think YABU - as others have said, funeral dates depend on a lot of things, and aren't always easy to change. This year is going to be difficult, but hopefully in the future your DH will be able to attach happy memories of his birthday spent with his grandad instead of his funeral. There is never a good time to die and there's never a good time to go to a funeral. That's just the way these things are.

Sassybeast · 18/11/2009 12:38

Thumbwitch - mine to!

OP - YANBU to feel how you do. But as others have said, it's more about practicalities than anything else. It won't have been done maliciously or deliberately to upset your DH and also as others say, an actual funeral date often becomes much less significant as years go by. Sorry for your loss

Rubyrubyruby · 18/11/2009 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thedollshouse · 18/11/2009 12:56

You are being very very unreasonable. I am so surprised that posters have actually agreed with you.

My stepdad died and my sister was diagnosed with cancer on my birthday. Does that mean that I am to weep into my hanky every birthday?

I have a niece born on the anniversary of my grandmothers death and my second baby is due on the anniversary of dh's grandmothers death. Thats the way it goes. Ds was born on our wedding anniversary which means that we celebrate our marriage with jelly and ice cream rather than dinner for two.

I don't mean to be harsh but you really are being selfish to have expected your inlaws to even register that it was your dh's birthday let alone plan the funeral around it!

Rubyrubyruby · 18/11/2009 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thedollshouse · 18/11/2009 13:04

Sorry if that sounded harsh. I am sorry for your loss.

Its just that so many awful things happen and you can't control what date they occur on.

This might sound odd but I have always found funerals of grandparents to be comforting more of a celebration of their life. In years to come your dh will always remember the funeral on his birthday but hopefully they will be good memories rather than bad iyswim? Much better than having the anniversary of the death on your birthday(which you obviously can't control) as that can bring back memories of the shock and sadness that you felt when you found out.

thedollshouse · 18/11/2009 13:07

Rubyrubyruby I just think that the PIL's have other things on their mind, there is no perfect time for a funeral. It isn't something that I would take into account.

elliephant · 18/11/2009 13:19

YABU. Death doesn't work to a schedule, your GIL will only have one funeral but hopefully your DH will have many birthdays to come. Birthdays celebrate a life present, funerals are there to honour a life passed. Bearing that in mind, I think - to echo crunch's post - it would be nice for your DH to turn this about and choose to remember his GD fondly every birthday. Grief passes, happy memories remain.

YanknCock · 18/11/2009 14:10

sockmonster, I'm sorry if you thought what I said was harsh, and I'm sorry for your loss. It doesn't change my opinion that YABU.

When I was 6, my grandfather died just before Christmas and the funeral was two days before. We got snowed in five hours away from home until the 27th, and my parents had left all our presents at home, so all I got Christmas morning was a note of apology from Santa and a lot of very sad adults around me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that funerals sometimes come at inconvenient times, there is nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately, your DH's birthday may have just been the best day for people to travel, and your in-laws had other things on their minds. Not the time for you to judge them insensitive, IMVHO.

LilRedWG · 18/11/2009 14:31

thesockmonster is sad it's on her husband's birthday. She is not trying to vilify anyone or looking to place blame.

I honestly think that it will be a very tough day for the whole family, especially as it is on a birthday.

My great-nephew was born just a few hours before my Mum died, in the same hospital, so his first birthday is going to be so bitter sweet, but I hope that in future years it will just be his birthday because my Mum wouldn't have wanted anything else.

PeedOffWithNits · 18/11/2009 14:36

have not read all the posts BUT I would say that the fact it is DHs birthday gives people something positive to think about in later years, not that they will forget grandad, but there will be something nice to ease the pain of that anniversary.

when i was a child my grandad died on christmas eve - must have been very hard on everyone for a few years, but we all got over it and it does not ruin our christmases now

I had a stillborn Dd whose funeral was the day before DD1s 4th birthday - again, the first few years were hellish but now it is nice to be planning something fun and celebrating our family at that sad time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread