to say that I will not dictate to my 3yo who he should call what?

[ChickandDuck]

DS1 has step-dad and dad who he sees once a month and speaks to on the phone regularly. He calls both daddy, but sometimes we, or he, need to clarify which daddy we, or he means. He calls step dad for example, daddy step and the other daddy A, both are names that he decided on.

Daddy A has just called and as daddy step is out I said 'DS1 daddy A is on the phone, do you want to chat?' they chat, daddy A then speaks to me and says bascially that I need to tell DS1 that he is not to call him daddy A, just daddy and he finds it hurtful that this isn't already the case. I explained the above and said this is what DS1 has chosen to do and I'm not going to tell him what he is/isn't to call anyone, it's my DS's feelings that I am most concerned about, AIBU?

(Hope this makes sense!)

This is a tricky one because I can understand both sides. I totally agree that if this is what your son has chosen to call both of his "daddy's", that is down to him, but I can also understand his biological dad being upset by this.

Not really sure what else to say.

i think you are being a but mean, if you and ex were still together you would let ds call 'daddy a' either dad/daddy/papa or whatever 'daddy a' wanted wouldnt you

I would compromise by just letting it develop over time that when in a large conversation or when speaking to others your ds uses the terms he has dveloped but when speaking directly to his dad his says 'daddy'

You can let DS know that the clarification isn't required, I doubt they are in the same room often? He will go by your example. How old is your DS? 'Daddy Step' is a little awkward and more likely to bcome 'Daddy', could he not be 'Daddy ' instead?

Can he call daddy A just 'daddy' and keep daddy step the same?

I understand why he'd be upset by it tbh.

I can't think at this stage how not calling his dad daddy A would upset your ds.

Sorry, 3 years old, doh!

ok on the flip side. if exd has a partner live with him how would you feel about being called mummy A?

I understand where you're coming from but I think I'm sympathetic to your exd on this one.

How would you feel about being referred to as "Mummy ChickandDuck?" Would that be ok for you? Would it be ok for you if your son was calling another woman "Mummy hername" and you "Mummy yourname" - as if you both held the same importance in his life?/

Sorry but I'm with your XP too. My DH would be hurt beyond all reason if he wasn't "Daddy".

Can't your current partner be called something else? Your child's father has a rightful claim to the name.

(the names he uses aren't Daddy A and daddy step, this is just an example)

Ds always calls them both Daddy, but sometimes clarification is needed. For instance today if I had said Daddy is on the phone, it could have meant either of them, which in the past has caused problems when it's not been the 'Daddy' he had expected to hear on the other end of the phone. He always calls Daddy A just Daddy when he is with him, and Daddy step is alawys Daddy, unless clarifation is needed. We have a 9mo so instructing him to call him anything other than Daddy (for the majority of time) would be unfair?

Daddy A is insisting that he be called just daddy and that daddy step should always been called daddy step.

God this is confusing...

I think it would be unreasonable for me to be called Mummy chickandduck because I don't just see him once a month for 7 hours.

Also can I just say that it was my DS that instigated these names.

I would make every attempt to model calling his Stepfather by his name TBH, having seen this from every which way. It does nothing to denigrate his relationship or contribution, but protects the more vulnerable party from feelings over which he has little control.

So, you wouldn't like to be called Mummy Chickandduck.

That should answer your question.

"Am I being unreasonable?"

"Yes"

"No I am NOT!"

Whatever.

Why does ExP see him so seldom?

wether he 'instigated' them or not,you are the adult,and parent,its down to YOU to nip this in the bud and do the right thing!!

can't believe you let a 3 year old dictate to you. its immoral. his dad is on the scene,and always will be.

he needs to learn that names are not what he decides,or god forbid,what will he be calling teachers just because he 'instigates' it?

I think he's being pretty reasonable to be OK that his son refers to his step-dad as daddy anything.

No soupdragon I wouldn't, because I would feel that 'other mum' would warrant being called mum as she would only be spending 7 hours a month with him and wouldn't have been a part of his life since before he could talk.

I think it would be unfeasible to refer to step dad as step dad to DS1 and daddy to DS2?

Of course it's not infeasible. You just don't want to.

What should I do then? Should I tell DS that he needs to call step dad step daddy all the time and he is not to refer to Daddy A as Daddy A again? Would this be reasonable?

Daddy A's name is in fact Daddy Train. DS refers to him as this because he used to arrive on the train and he used to sit and watch the trains with him (obsessed with Thomas). It's a happy memory for him and one that he links to him.

Daddy step is in fact Daddy

Soupdargon, what makes you say I don't want to?!

I want to do what is best for DS, which is why I am on here looking for advice

I understand both sides and tbh I think you're over-complicating it and (sorry but hey ho) using it as a way of venting your feelings about your ex (certainly you are not seeming happy about the fact that he sees your ex once a month but still wants to be 'daddy'). However, he IS daddy, however often he sees your ex and I understand why he wants to be known as just daddy.

We tend to use Daddy and then the name of the Daddy, i.e. Daddy John, Daddy Jack.

However, DC3 calls his own Daddy by his first name mostly simply because his older half siblings did so and he copied as he learned to speak.

All of this has come about naturally and afaik they just use Daddy when they have one to one time with respective Fathers.

I have seemed to copy what the DC say without thinking about it.

I think my exDH does get a smidgen upset about being referred to as Daddy and not just Daddy. My son, who is not my exDH's child also calls him Daddy which is quite sweet in a bizarre sort of way.

Although I think I'd be upset about being called MummyHobb, as things stand we all respect the children's way of doing things and try to put personal feelings aside. So, EXDH, to his credit, is wonderfully selfless in doing this. I'm not sure I'd be so fantastic at that . However, this may be because as sole carer it would be rather galling. That said, usually the absent parent would never have set out or chosen to be separated from their offspring - it is more a practical necessity when relationships break down so it seems unfair to bring this argument into the equation.

If your ex struggles to put himself in an entirely selfless position over this I can understand why. It would be better for him to let the children do as they wish but I doubt it feels particularly easy to do so. It probably hurts enough not being there every morning to see their little faces and so on without resigning to the fact that one is so absent that one needs a suffix in order to clarify one's identity.

Obviously you may now tell me that your ex ran off with another lady paying no heed to anyone's feelings..!

"Soupdargon, what makes you say I don't want to?!"

Er... "Am I being unreasonable? : to say that I will not dictate to my 3yo who he should call what?"

That and the fact that you are ignoring any suggestion that YABU.

well my advice is,he'll be starting school soon,he needs to be clear now who is who and clear about names.

a quick chat about the difference,and then just correct him each time he says the wrong name!

my own kids have a step and a real dad....they have grown up knowing the difference,and now we have our own ds. it still doesn't complicate things like you seem to be doing.....