to say that I will not dictate to my 3yo who he should call what?

[ChickandDuck]

DS1 has step-dad and dad who he sees once a month and speaks to on the phone regularly. He calls both daddy, but sometimes we, or he, need to clarify which daddy we, or he means. He calls step dad for example, daddy step and the other daddy A, both are names that he decided on.

Daddy A has just called and as daddy step is out I said 'DS1 daddy A is on the phone, do you want to chat?' they chat, daddy A then speaks to me and says bascially that I need to tell DS1 that he is not to call him daddy A, just daddy and he finds it hurtful that this isn't already the case. I explained the above and said this is what DS1 has chosen to do and I'm not going to tell him what he is/isn't to call anyone, it's my DS's feelings that I am most concerned about, AIBU?

(Hope this makes sense!)

'I think it would be unreasonable for me to be called Mummy chickandduck because I don't just see him once a month for 7 hours.'

He really is being marginalised, I can see why he is upset. If you wouldn't want to see him for only 7hrs a month and be called Mummy chickandduck then don't do it to the ex. DS may have instigated it, but only because he has had no direct leadership-at that age they use the names that you use. My DS has always called his step father by his first name.

Can't he call them both Daddy. Presumably most of the time you know who he means. If you don't you could say 'which Daddy' to which he replies Daddy Daddy (real Dad) or Daddy John (Step Dad). On more suggestion for the pot!

He used to call step day by his name. But it changed when reading books/watching tv programmes that showed family set ups as mum dad child all living together, he began to refer to him as Daddy because he is in the traditional daddy role. DS2 came along and he just seemed to drop the name. He still sometimes just refers to him as . We follow his lead. He has always refered to biological dad as Daddy, but now because for the majority sted dad is also daddy he uses 'train' and to differenciate.

shrugs< Have a . I'm out. Sounds like you're pretty clear on what you want to do already, OP.

I just don't see why I should start dictating when it has all come so naturally for him? He's not confused, he's happy with what he calls them. Why fix what isn't broke?

Is it your ex's choice only to see your DS once a month; or was it something that was legally sanctioned? I ask this because if it was the latter, then he might already feel that his position as DS's father is precarious. To add to this the fact that his son is now calling his step-dad "daddy" would, for some men I'm sure, feel devastating.

Just from my own pov, I am a step-mother to my DH's five-year-old son (he was two when I entered his life), and I have corrected him when he has referred to me as "mummy". I will never be his mummy, imo - not in that maternal, giving-birth-to-him sense - and I am very aware of how insecure his real mum must feel when he is visiting us here. I think any loving and involved parent who isn't in their child's life all the time must feel a deep sense of separation from their little one. I know my husband does when his son is at his mother's; and I would feel his pain if his son referred to his step-dad as "daddy".

It is, I think, a matter that calls for great sensitivity, and I don't think that the child's opinion is necessarily the one to go by in this instance. After all, don't we, as children, learn empathy in part from the example set to us by the adults around us?

2c from a new Mumsnetter.

picmaes - I would like to hear what you think I should say to him about the differences? Genuinely am.

I'm out of here too.

Good luck with waiting til everyone agrees with you that YANBU.

I think you'll be here a long time though.

Choice and circumstances WNLB.

I understand that it would be upsetting, but he still is Daddy, he is still called this by DS.

It would also be upsetting for my DP to suddenly not be called Daddy after he has and is raising him as his own.

'why fix what isn't broke?'

why you posting on here then?

I'm not waiting for everyone to agree (tutt)
I'm waiting for some constructive advice....

oh you've not gone then ILT, I will ask again then... how would you explain the differences?

May as well SOCD, you've not been much of a help.

Not sure what you are wanting, ChickandDuck. You have a number of well-considered responses here. Nothing is going to sort out what you're faced with with complete effectiveness; that's the complexity of human relationships for you.

not gone,on and off doing dinner/painting radiators (have just discovered radiator paint,brill stuff!!)

anyway,can't you just explain that he was made in your tummy with daddy,his brother was made in your tummy with step-dad and this is called biological daddies and step daddies....depending on his level of understanding of course.and i'm sure there are books out there somewhere,which explain properly?

my ds was 5 when i had his half brother,but for a while he was confused,but its all clear enough now..

what has prompted you to sound it out on here? the ex?

Op I really wouldn't if you change this you are going to have endless problems when teenager with your dp having no authority your ds saying 'I don't have to listen to you you are not my dad'.

Also if your ex moves on and loses interest then your ds may have alot of problems feeling like he doesn't have a daddy figure to look up to YADNBU I have had experience as I said earlier someone will get hurt all you can do is make sure it is not your ds.

he shouldn't be "raising him as his own", he's his stepfather. Stepparents do some of the caring etc - that's goes with the territory if your partner has children - but they are still stepparents and there's nothing WRONG with that. Your son already has a father.

It would be much fairer to everyone, particularly your son, if you just acknowledged who everybody actually is within the family and respected the obvious inherent boundaries.

But since you're clearly not looking for others' perspectives at all, I won't continue to bang my head against this particular brick wall. I think you are one of those women who tries to consolidate/shore up her existing family by trying to rewrite the truth and pretend, at least most of the time, that your dh is your son's father and your ex doesn't exist. It's a very short-termist and ill-advised thing to do, and your son won't thank you for it.

I think you should be open and truthful with him about the situation - I think what you said sounded great.

I'd get the names sorted out pronto, Dad and Daddy is fine. It would be really confusing for all of you if the kids have to call your partner different things, agreed. I think Dad is kinder on everyone than Daddy Train, but that is just my AIBU opinion

(I think these extended family situations need clarity and leadership - I watch my sister managing this exact situation for her DS. She is very honest and straight down the line about it all, and has been ever since her DS was tiny. My DN's two dads both attend rugby training together with him, that's how much she has achieved. She got there by being extremely clear with all of them the truth of the situation. In a very nice way.)

Next time you might find it more helpful to ask in Relationships, as AIBU tends to be quite opinionated

While I think that the DS should know exactly who is true father is I think that the step parent should raise him 'as his own'. I wouldn't have married my DH if he was to treat his step son differently from our joint DSs. They are brothers and equal and treated equally.

If he needs clarification, could you not just emphasise the 'your daddy'? To perhaps reinforce their relationship?

My DH always says, if asked,that we have 3 sons. He doesn't leave DS1 out. DS1 calls him by his first name. It has never been a problem.

I hated it when my stepfather used to nochalantly refer to me as his daughter. It was a lie and it made me feel powerless, manipulated and disloyal.

But everybody's different I suppose.