to say that I will not dictate to my 3yo who he should call what?

[ChickandDuck]

DS1 has step-dad and dad who he sees once a month and speaks to on the phone regularly. He calls both daddy, but sometimes we, or he, need to clarify which daddy we, or he means. He calls step dad for example, daddy step and the other daddy A, both are names that he decided on.

Daddy A has just called and as daddy step is out I said 'DS1 daddy A is on the phone, do you want to chat?' they chat, daddy A then speaks to me and says bascially that I need to tell DS1 that he is not to call him daddy A, just daddy and he finds it hurtful that this isn't already the case. I explained the above and said this is what DS1 has chosen to do and I'm not going to tell him what he is/isn't to call anyone, it's my DS's feelings that I am most concerned about, AIBU?

(Hope this makes sense!)

I'm not venting any feelings I have towards my ex, there is no feeling towards my ex. I understand that he would be upset by not being called just daddy, but it's my Ds's feelings that I need to consider first and foremost.

"However, he IS daddy"

thanks for clarifing that for me

Fair enough. I'm with Colditz then. You just want everybody to agree with you.

I have a 3 year old who has a daddy and a step daddy.
He has recently (for various reasons and with his fathers blessing) started calling my dh (his step) daddy.
I agree there needs to be times when it is necessary to clarify which one he is talking about.
BUT it is easy, if I say which one he says S*** (his step dads name) or my daddy.
So he means my DH to clarify uses his name if it is my ex he just says my daddy.

Personally to me this is a no brainer it is not like the names my dc's have to tell different grannies apart this is their parent the rightful owner of the title.

In fact I wouldn't have particularly allowed it at all had I not been comfortable with the fact that at some point it may occur to my dc's to call their step mother mum.

How is it one set of rules for you and one set for the other side?
TO me this seems to have more to do with your feeling towards your ex and his unimportance to you than about anything else.

If you aren't happy your ds calling someone else mum how in gods name can you not see why your ex is unhappy about this?

ILoveTIFFANY - what do I say the difference is? We always just say he has 2 Daddy's, is this wrong? He is only 3, an step dad has been around since he was a baby

Yeah, what Colditz said.

What about Using the terms dad and daddy.

I think your DH has just as much right to be called daddy as his real dad if he has been in his life since he was so small and has taken on that role.

By calling one of them Dad though would seem like a natural transgretion which happens anyway at some point, but would be enough difference for you an ds to know who you are talking about.

I would just start calling one of them Dad yourself rather than asking ds to call them dad, he will soon pick up the difference and start using it himself.

Either that or just put your hand over the reciever next time.

By the way I dont think the OP is being direspectful or have to stamp it out of her DS.

Children do this all the time with grandparents. ie Nanny on the hills, little nan, Grandpa Joe, Grandad boat.. Sometimes the grand parents are not even related.

my mother made us call our stepdad "Dad"

in fact she made us call them "Home Dad" and "Abroad Dad" (my father worked in the Gulf)

I still feel a twinge of queasy guilt and anger when I think about it and I'm 32

the horror of having to face my dad knowing how burt he was by this

DON'T do it. Don't invent a new truth and make your children subscribe to it. Your partner is your son's stepfather, that's his role - why dress it us as something else?

Please clarify the situation for your DS. He is three and incapable of organising this himself - he has an unsophisticated understanding of complex human situations and emotions. Isn't he really confused? I would be concerned that he would have identity issues from this already. Your 'daddy' is an incredibly important part of your own identity.

What's wrong with his biological father being called Dad, and his stepfather being called Daddy? Is it really so confusing for you to come to this conclusion and implement it?

(You imply that his biological father should possibly give way because he sees your DS so little, but none of us know the reason for this, so it's impossible to comment fairly on that particular bit.)

If the person you are most worried about is your DS, please stop relying on him to take this complex responsibility on.

If DS in the future spends more time with his Dad, and he has a partener that DS chooses to call Mum when he is with her then fine, hurtful, but I would respect his choice. It would after all be his decision, I wouldn't tell him not to, wouldn't even occur to me to tell him so.

I have never instructed my DS to call either one of them any name, I've just let it come naturally to him, and go with whatever he decides? He understands he has 2 daddys, one that lives with him and one that comes to visit. They are both daddy to him, just sometimes we need to know which is which.

I havent read the whole thread but I have the same issue here. My dd (3), calls step dad daddy and her father by his first name. Her choice, hurts her father, but we have all agreed that fuck how hurt us adults are, as long as kids are happy who cares? Im Im afraid as open to a total flaming, mums tend to be closer/more stable and its very rare you would get two mummys, whereas nowadays I bet half the kids at school have 2 dads.

Sorry for all the typos, just got to the 'im a celeb' line up in the paper so cant concentrate.

My step dad was there since I was a baby I hardly ever saw my real dad.

My step dad was the one who did everything for me and put in the hard yards and I think it would greatly hurt him to be thought of as less than my real dad who I only saw 3 times a year.

I called mine daddy when there was only one and daddy name when they were both present didn't cause me any problems but I wouldn't have called a step dad who came into my life when I was older dad it is only because my step dad cared for me full time since about 7 months.

I would make him call them both daddy name personally.

I would ask a child psychologist, what the effect is on a small child to have a situation with 2 'daddy's' and with no guidance on what to call them.

I think you're being mighty casual about this and suspect you might get a bit of a pasting here.

I think it's a much bigger psychological issue for your DS than just whether you can identify them correctly.

"Why didn't you immediately stamp out your 3 year old referring to both men as Daddy with a name/initial at the end?"

Because it helped him to clarify who he meant and stopped any confusion?

picmaestress - how do I explain the difference to him? "DS this Daddy 'created' you and this daddy looks after day to day and pays for the roof over your head"?

I agree with everyone who says YABU. There are other ways of clarifying which "dad" you mean and I think in this instance you or your ex can tell ds how he should refer to him. I can't see how this will necessarily have any negative effect on ds' feelings.

As I said, my advice would be to ask a child psychologist, it's kind of an emotive subject so not sure you'll come to a helpful conclusion from advice on here.
FWIW, personally I think it would be helpful for you explain the difference to him at some point if you haven't.

I think explaining the difference would be more physcologically damaging to a 3 year old than not?

Um, is it really necessary to swear at me, Reality? Was just trying to be helpful...