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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say that I will not dictate to my 3yo who he should call what?

105 replies

ChickandDuck · 15/11/2009 12:34

DS1 has step-dad and dad who he sees once a month and speaks to on the phone regularly. He calls both daddy, but sometimes we, or he, need to clarify which daddy we, or he means. He calls step dad for example, daddy step and the other daddy A, both are names that he decided on.

Daddy A has just called and as daddy step is out I said 'DS1 daddy A is on the phone, do you want to chat?' they chat, daddy A then speaks to me and says bascially that I need to tell DS1 that he is not to call him daddy A, just daddy and he finds it hurtful that this isn't already the case. I explained the above and said this is what DS1 has chosen to do and I'm not going to tell him what he is/isn't to call anyone, it's my DS's feelings that I am most concerned about, AIBU?

(Hope this makes sense!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickandDuck · 15/11/2009 15:05

"I think you are one of those women who tries to consolidate/shore up her existing family by trying to rewrite the truth and pretend, at least most of the time, that your dh is your son's father "

Your wrong in thinking that Greesleeves. If it wasn't for me pushing the relationship between my DS and his biological father then there would be no issue here because he wouldn't have any involvement. His biological father is constantly talked about with my DS and he is always comfortable talking to me about him. Probably because I don't enforce any rights or wrongs around the issue

OP posts:
Hullygully · 15/11/2009 15:10

Keep your hand over the mouthpiece while you explain which daddy is on the phone..?

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 15/11/2009 15:13

I do usually try to HullyGully, but this time I forgot. I know it must be hard hearing it, but the fact that DS anwsers the phone Hello Daddy should compensate slightly?

OP posts:
MsHighwater · 15/11/2009 15:15

I have to say it also sounds to me like you are, unconsciously or otherwise, trying to marginalise your ex.

It doesn't matter if your ds1 and ds2 call your dh something different - they will both need to understand that your ds1 has another daddy anyway, won't they?

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 15/11/2009 15:16

ILoveTiffany - thank you. Isn't 3 a bit young though? I will look out for some books...

Yes the ex requesting that he is to be called just daddy and step dad be called daddy not just daddy. I just wouldn't feel right telling my DS what he should be calling them. But it can only be a good thing to explain to him so that he can understand fully the situation. I can't imagine him ever not wanting to call his step dad daddy though.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 15/11/2009 15:16

I wouldn't worry about it all. Just say 'rightyho lovely' to everything and carry on your way. Tis but a small part of the complicated dynamics of step/family life.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 15/11/2009 15:17

Yes, DS1 and soon DS2 will understand that he has another daddy, but that shouldn't stop him from calling them both daddy, if thats what he wants?

OP posts:
donnie · 15/11/2009 15:18

interesting that you use the word 'dictate' so frequently OP. Why do you see helpful and important guidance of a little child as dictatorial?

what most of the others have said btw = yabu.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 15/11/2009 15:18

Probably the best solution HullyGully - perhaps I am over thinking...

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickandDuck · 15/11/2009 15:20

...because I would be telling him what to say, as in dictating? Not sure it's interesting?

OP posts:
CommonNortherner · 15/11/2009 15:20

Well I disagree with most comments. Why shouldn't your child refer to the man in the daddy role as daddy? No-one's forcing it on him in a pretense at happy families, whereas the suggestions here are to do precisely that with his bio dad. Only time will tell which relationship is more important to him but in the set up as described it's likely to be the stepdad relationship so it seems cruel to try to force a wedge between them so early on. Yes bio dad may be upset, but life is life and that level of contact isn't likely to produce such a close relationship and, as sad as that is, pretending otherwise by dictating names to a small boy isn't going to aid it in any way at all.

donnie · 15/11/2009 15:26

it IS interesting that you feel any type of guidance is DICTATING. It says a lot about you IMO.

anyway -yada,yada, same old, same old. You've had everyone's comments but you just don't like them. Ultimately you will do what you want. Let's hope it's in your child's interests.

GypsyMoth · 15/11/2009 15:27

i find it absolutely heartbreaking that my 4 dc have such a crap and useless father (even the courts agree,hence no access,which is rare) and then they watch their half brother,my fifth child,with his dad,my boyfriend. its hard for them,so of course,i can see how you don't want any differences.

they never had that with their own dad,and i'm forever trying to even it out. if we lived together and married,then he'd be their step dad,but we aren't travelling that path,so he remains mums boyfriend,and brothers dad. they call him by his name,describe him to friends as mums boyfriend,or their step dad. but whatever he is,he's been there for them,they respect him....doesn't matter he's not got a 'dad' title

to answer what you asked,no,i don't think at 3 he will be psychologically damaged. you sound a caring family.

Greensleeves · 15/11/2009 15:27

But how is it "forcing a wedge" to be truthful about who people actually are? He may well be closer to his stepfather than to his father. That's perfectly possible for them to achieve without sidestepping the fact that he isn't his father. I was much closer to my school housemistress than I was to my mother - still am. I didn't need to cement that by pretending she was my mother and calling her Mummy fgs You don't need to pull strings and engineer relationships - if they are going to be close, then they will be close regardless of what they call each other, and it'll be a much healthier and more honest relationship without all this toxic power play over who gets to be called Daddy

You're trying to tidy up your nuclear family by bending the truth and squeezing out your ex. And you're trying to convince yourself and the rest if us that this is all your ds's impetus. Stop babbling about not wanting to "dictate" to him when in fact you are manipulating him in a really crude and obvious way

SoupDragon · 15/11/2009 15:34

Do you never tell your DS1 what to do then?

SoupDragon · 15/11/2009 15:35

Actually, no, ignore me.

JANEITEisntErudite · 15/11/2009 15:36

I think Greensleeves is speaking a great deal of sense. You've been waiting around for 'constructive ideas' and not liking what you hear but most people are trying to be helpful, even if they are disagreeing with you.

I was far, far closer to my stepdad than to my real dad but I always knew he was my stepdad and my real dad was my real dad. It didn't make my relationship with my stepdad any worse for my knowing that and not calling him 'daddy'. Anyway - the issue doesn't seem to be that your partner is being called 'daddy' but that your ex wants to be 'just daddy' rather than having to be differentiated as 'daddy one or daddy a' or whatever. So long as you remember to refer to him as 'daddy' I don't think there's an issue - and I still think (many, many posts later) that you're over-thinking this.

PrincessToadstool · 15/11/2009 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 15/11/2009 16:14

This is really just about a 3 yr old asking which daddy is on the phone. Not about manipulations and power plays etc. My kids call me by my name (their choice), they know I'm their mum.

roneef · 15/11/2009 17:34

HELLO

The op asked about how to refer to dad/step dad that causes least confusion for 3 yr old.

I think just say daddy daddy. Both are dads without going into who has higher staus. He can decide that when he's older.

Not dictating is not an issue - parents are there to gently guide. See if he's stubborn about it and then maybe let him do it his way?

Greensleeves- you are confusin op with yourself. You don't know her situation but somehow compare situation to how your mom dealt with it?

Really rude and unhelpful

ruddynorah · 15/11/2009 17:57

from your ex point of view i imagine it would feel quite rude to hear you shout 'ds it's daddy train on the phone!!'

why didn't you just say daddy on the phone? why would his daddy who he lives with be phoning him? surely no need to differentiate?

RealityBites · 15/11/2009 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

roneef · 15/11/2009 18:14

I think it might be because some people don't like the fact they aren't a 'perfect' nuclear family..

roneef · 15/11/2009 18:17

Greensleeves:

''You're trying to tidy up your nuclear family by bending the truth and squeezing out your ex. And you're trying to convince yourself and the rest if us that this is all your ds's impetus. Stop babbling about not wanting to "dictate" to him when in fact you are manipulating him in a really crude and obvious way ''

Such an overreaction..

ruddynorah · 15/11/2009 18:20

yes i see that reality, just i'd have thought her ds would get calls from his biological dad rather than the dad he lives with. regardless of him being out.

roneef- for the majority of us who've been in those non nuclear families we mostly would want the parents not to be rude to each other and instead to set the right examples of behaviour.

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