to say that I will not dictate to my 3yo who he should call what?

[ChickandDuck]

DS1 has step-dad and dad who he sees once a month and speaks to on the phone regularly. He calls both daddy, but sometimes we, or he, need to clarify which daddy we, or he means. He calls step dad for example, daddy step and the other daddy A, both are names that he decided on.

Daddy A has just called and as daddy step is out I said 'DS1 daddy A is on the phone, do you want to chat?' they chat, daddy A then speaks to me and says bascially that I need to tell DS1 that he is not to call him daddy A, just daddy and he finds it hurtful that this isn't already the case. I explained the above and said this is what DS1 has chosen to do and I'm not going to tell him what he is/isn't to call anyone, it's my DS's feelings that I am most concerned about, AIBU?

(Hope this makes sense!)

Neither can I believe the kicking the OP has got here. Quite a lot of us can completely understand the dilema - step families are very common these days. Add to that the situation that Stepdad has lived with and raised this child since he was 7 months old.... and the biological father (through choice and circumstance) sees the child once per month for 7 hours, it is hardly surprising that the stepfather is referred to as Daddy - and why on earth would that be wrong? IMO the bio father is a sperm donor - "father" and Stepdad is the really Daddy here.

As for advice OP, I think the idea of referring to Daddy Train as YOUR DADDY is quite a good one and as he gets older, gently explain the family dynamics to him.

FWIW, my DS has been raised by his "stepfather" since he was 9 months old and calls him Daddy. He has a biological father, obviously, but has never met him. DS, now 10, however, knows completely about the bio father, the "Daddy" really being a stepdad etc and I started talking about that in detail when he was around 3. The reason I had to do that was because of his step-siblings and the different relationships. They can understand you know, it's just a matter of how you introduce it.

I always refer to the biological father as "the man who helped me make you" when in a discussion with him.

I do not think YABU.

Neither can I! If the OP's DS thinks of his biofather as 'Daddy Train' because that's an enjoyable association for him, then so? If he only sees Daddy Train for 7 hours a month, using that imagery probably helps with their connection rather than hindering it. I don't believe for a second that there is a significant psychological impact relating to what step-parents are called when both are involved from a very young age, as in this case. I have two step-parents and none of us would have called either of them daddy/mummy anything because they came into our lives much later and there were no other children, so we never heard anyone call them 'mummy' or 'daddy' - 'dictating' what we 'should' have called them would be easier for us. I don't see why a child would be 'confused', either - children of that age usually just accept their family circumstances as the norm, only beginning to compare and consider differences from the age of 7-8 onwards (and for many it's much later). Children are not confused when one grandparent is nana and another granny. I doubt this three year old will be calling his bio father 'Daddy Train' at 8. Over time, these childish ways of marking names will most likely be replaced by dad/daddy.

A lot of posters here seem to consider that biological parentage is the most important consideration in this instance, but is it? Really? Why? You can have quality relationships - loving, quality relationships - with a parent and a step-parent. I danced with my dad and my step-dad on my wedding day and they both wore tails. I don't think it would have been respectful to either of them to marginalise one in favour of the other merely because I only share genes with my biological father. I didn't even have my step-dad around when I was tiny, so how much more true is this when a step-parent has had significant responsibility in the upbringing of a child?

Ooops *would not have been easier for us

Having given it a bit more thought, I would just go along with DS because he is so little. My DS was 7yrs before he had to have a name, he had started with first name and so we just carried on. I can see that if he was younger it might well have been 'daddy'.It is the relationship with the 2 men that is important-the name doesn't really matter.

Thank you everyone for your advice and input on this - we had a casual chat with DS tonight. He said he wants to call them both Dad, but we've settled on step dad being dad and bio dad being daddy. Am going to keep a look out for a book for him that might help him to understand (got a book about having a new baby just before DS2 was born and I think it helped.)

Am glad I posted on here, has made me realise that maybe I should be more aware about DS understanding his family set up. Especially as he has started at nursery now. (Even if I did get a grilling )