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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissy with the way dh "looked after" ds today?

133 replies

phdlife · 14/11/2009 11:30

There's more to it than this but the main thing was feeding ds (2.7). I was supposed to be having some time off, out with a friend, but that didn't really work out so I was around a lot more than I intended and am stressy about what I saw.

Afaik, today ds got a small bowl of sweet flakes, a few bites he stole from my bread/cheese and then dh's bread/cheese, several biscuits and a bit more cheese, some grapes (that I nagged dh into giving - instant request for more from ds), some of a babychino, several more biscuits and cheese. By biscuit I mean home-made gingerbread.

Finally at the evening meal he got spag bol with extra veg, which he scoffed, then 2nds and 3rds. Then dessert which he insisted include fruit, yoghurt and another biscuit.

Ds is an awesome eater and normally with me he'd have had lots more food, including fruit and veg and other forms of protein (meat, peanut butter) throughout the day. Afa dh is concerned, ds ate a large evening meal and that's terrific, IABU. I think it's shitty to keep a little one that hungry, and poorly nourished, even if ds was having too much fun to complain for most of the day.

I know I can be a bit weirdy about food as I tend to hypoglycemia and it makes me so insane I can't bear anyone else to be hungry, but am I really being that unreasonable?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 15/11/2009 11:40

If you want something done your way all the time, then you have to do it all the time.
If you want someone else to do something, let them get on with it and stop being so control-freaky.

Unless it involves something stupidly dangerous, obviously.

theworldsgoneDMmad · 15/11/2009 12:13

"even if ds was having too much fun to complain for most of the day."

Or maybe he just wasn't hungry.

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/11/2009 12:17

"For everyone else that seems to think it is ok for their OHs to feed their kids rubbish throughout the day you are too leniant on them!"

well apart from perhaps a few more biscuits that was really necessary I don't see much "rubbish" about that.

And I sometimes have days of feeding my kids rubbish, hell occasionally I have a "crap food" day myself - they're not going to wilt away, or perish because once in a while they have a snacky/crappy food day.

In fact you may not believe this - but actually sometimes it's FUN to have one of those days

glasjam · 15/11/2009 12:27

Sorry for going off the OP's main point but I am amazed at the amount of people who don't know what a babycino is? Warm milk in little espresso cups usually with a bit of choc on the top - sometimes free of charge too if you have you buy a normal size latte or cappuccino. My son is nearly 6 and I discovered them when he was a toddler so hardly new!

For the first time ever on MN I have been made to feel like a ponce

NowtonTelly · 15/11/2009 12:32

If your child generally eats a healthy, balanced diet, an off day really isn't going to hurt.

Oh, and 'Babycino'? What - you mean warm milk?

Earlybird · 15/11/2009 12:34

same phrase pops out to me as to theworldhasgoneDMad:

"even if ds was having too much fun to complain for most of the day."

If your dh had been lounging on the sofa, remote in hand, watching telly/football (or engaged in some other activity that meant he was basically ignoring ds), and so couldn't be bothered to make an effort to 'provide' for ds properly, then I can see why you might be 'pissy'.

Or I can agree that you should be 'pissy' if ds spent time being obviously distressed/hungry and your dh simply ignored him.

However, none of that happened. It sounds as if your dh was fully engaged with ds, and they were doing something together that was lots of fun. Stopping to have 'proper' food was not the priority until it was time for the spag bol, and it seems that only then, did your ds display any signs of being very hungry.

It was one day, and they had alot of fun. Leave it at that, and be happy that your dh and ds had such a good time together.

RealityBites · 15/11/2009 12:36

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RealityBites · 15/11/2009 12:38

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cory · 15/11/2009 12:38

Some posters clearly have a very different take from me about parenting. It wouldn't occur to me that I have the final say on how "my" children are brought up- if there are two parents, surely that means two voices, not a boss and an employee?

I am a mother, but I have still been known to take dcs out for a day and be too busy having fun to do much in the way of our usual healthy and sensible eating. I would hate it if dh felt he had some right to dictate to me about this just because he is the other parent. So by the same token...

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/11/2009 12:41

oh and jibber

"I spend hours and hours making my DS healthy meals,"

well in this case the DH spent hours and hours playing with the DS instead .

and not sure why you spent hours making healthy meals - lots of things to make that are healthy that don't mean spending hours in the kitchen

Earlybird · 15/11/2009 12:44

And the other thing that springs to mind from the OP:

you were supposed to be having some time off but instead of enjoying yourself/the break, you seem to have spent most of it watching/judging dh, and getting worked into a lather about what an 'inadequate' job he was doing with your ds.

You can justify it by saying 'hypoglycemia', but sounds as if you are quite controlling (as someone else pointed out earlier), and that you sat back watching dh and 'gathering evidence' (hence, the very detailed list of food consumed over the course of the day) so you could 'prove' what a poor job he was doing providing for ds, and how only you can do it as well as it 'should' be done.

Chill out. Enjoy yourself. Let dh and ds enjoy themselves. Otherwise, you'll continue to make yourself miserable and will probably alienate dh/ds.

ShinyAndNew · 15/11/2009 12:53

When I posted about DH looking after dd2 and feeding her sweets and crisps and little else all day I was was BU. So you definately are.

I don't really understand what you are annoyed about?

Bumperlicioso · 15/11/2009 13:00

Not sure I see much wrong either. DD tends to just graze like that, though obviously you think this is unusual for your DS. Does your DH often look after him for the day? These things usually come from experience so maybe he doesn't know that DS prefers to have set meal etc. It's really not a big deal, though if it is that big a deal for you is it part of a wider issue? It's hard when your DP doesn't parent exactly the way you want them too, but you have to remember that your way is not always the right way and a little flexibilty will do your DS no harm.

BTW I don't think the babyccino thing is wankage, it's to keep the LOs happy while mum's get to drink their own special drinks, I think it is quite nice.

carriedababi · 15/11/2009 13:21

do thesebabyccino, have anything other than milk in them, like a tiny bit of coffee or coco?
or is it just milk.

op your being bonkers

Earlybird · 15/11/2009 13:24

Just milk. Some people have a little cocoa sprinkled on top.

CaptainNancy · 15/11/2009 14:12

Sticking my head up above the parapet here.. I'd be v annoyed if DH had fed DC sugary cereal for breakfast, biscuits for snacks and no lunch. More to the point, my DD at that age would have been passed out with hunger by 12:30

YANBU- doesn't sound like enough variety or liquid to me, and okay it may be just one day, but from the sounds of things it seems like that is DH's idea of an ideal day's diet.
If that makes me a control fraek- so be it- my Dc are healthy and eat well, and I'm thankful for it.

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/11/2009 14:15

but captain Nancy

(to quote Lulu's summary)

"breakfast - sweet flakes, like frosties? with some bread and cheese

snack - home made gingerbread, lots of it, more cheese and fruit

no lunch to speak of, but the fruit , cheese and gingerbread would have been filling and fairly nutritious

evening meal - spag bol and veg, x 3 portions, followed by fruit, yoghurt and gingerbread"

and it's ONE day in the child's life - the boy wasn't crying because he was hungry - he was happy playing, it's honestly not going to hurt him.

CaptainNancy · 15/11/2009 14:22

I know alfa... but that is a lot of gingerbread!

It's a day high in sugar- quick carbs not slow carbs, and my DD for eg would have found that very difficult... she would have been lethargic, tired, irritable, moody, whinging,crying, etc etc on that diet. Plus a huge meal in the evening would probably have meant she was very unsettled in the early part of the night, meaning bad sleep,a nd a nightmare day the next.
Some children need a strong routine, and meals are a big part of that- dd would have been upset if meals/snacks didn't happen/arrive at the times she is used to. Plus OP did say (without elaborating!) that this wasn't the only thing.

piscesmoon · 15/11/2009 14:25

A mother needs to realise that she can't have control when she is not there! If she is such a control freak that she can't stand an occasional mouthful of food not sanctioned by her, people will do the obvious and keep it secret!

alwayslookingforanswers · 15/11/2009 14:25

perhaps your DD would have been but the OP says

"even if ds was having too much fun to complain for most of the day."

I presume when he complained he was given,ermmmm gingerbread - but the OP does say he was happy.

MeAndMyMonkey · 15/11/2009 14:25

But he ate LOADS and it was quite varied too - fruit, cheese, bread, spag bol, yoghurt, cereal. Isn't that actually a very good diet? I presume he was given drinks as well.
My only issue would have been too much food (and maybe of the biscuit variety) but hardly a biggie for one day is it?
As many posters have said, surely a two and a half year old can ask for food/drink if he's hungry or thirsty anyway.
I cannot get over how much this kid ate!

SleepingLion · 15/11/2009 14:31

If a babyccino is warm frothed milk, are babychinos very small trousers?

thenewbornnanny · 15/11/2009 14:37

For goodness sake. Let your DH look after HIS child as he sees fit. He's not abusive or neglectful he just does things differently to you. If you don't like it, don't have a day off!!!!

FlamingoBingo · 15/11/2009 14:39

OP - as you may have already guess from all the other responses YABU, if, in fact, this is a real OP and not what Reality suggests. The day was actually relatively balanced, and it really doesn't matter anyway - a diet has to be balanced over a few weeks anyway. Calm down and let your DH do his job.

Also, did just want to say that I do sympathise - it's taken me years to really let go of the parenting to DH when he's around and to really, truly accept that he is as much of a parent as I am and therefore should be trusted to make as many decisions as I do.

Jibberjabber - your poor DS, having you spend all your time fannying around with food! FGS, children are more than happy with pasta with sauce and cheese on top - mine would eat that for every meal if I gave them a chance! Why on earth do you bother and then even be fairly rude about people who don't?

I'm far from a lazy parent, thank you very much - I spend hours every day engaged with all four of my children. They're home educated and self-regulate their food intake and eat a very, very balanced diet - some days it resembles what the OP's DS had, and others it looks more like a massive fruit and veg salad. So you can bloody well fuck off with your 'parents who don't make an effort with food are lazy' comment!

piscesmoon · 15/11/2009 14:42

I think that you can forget about the food entirely. DH and DS had a great time together-so much so that DS didn't give food a thought except that he had a good meal at the end of the day-I would just dwell on that part. People look back on their childhood and the good, fun times are the ones that they remember! The food question, for one day is of no importance whatsoever!