to not be able to get over my brother and SIL cutting us off

[PrincessElsa]

Feeling pretty devastated at the moment - I'm sory this is long but I'd really welcome your thoughts on this.

My brother and his wife have basically just cut us off. They have always been a bit funny (always have to be right, deaf to others' opinions, buying expensive presents for each other and their kids but giving crap presents to the rest of their family such as us, my mum and my brothers, we visit them regularly but they never make the effort to come to us, we've lived here 6 years and they've maybe visited 3 or 4 times) but we've just put up with it, but then this summer they were invited to ds1's 6th birthday party and were three hours late, they arrived as we were packing up (we had it in a village hall). They only live an hour away - and this is not the first time this has happened - didn't invite them last year but the year before they did the same thing, we had it at a soft play and I had paid for their kids to attend - they didn't even apologise or offer to reimburse me. They now have 4 kids including one baby so I can understand it is difficult getting out, but three hours?!? Also the time before they only had 2 kids and were 2 hours late. It was kind of a last straw so a few weeks later I told my brother how hurt I was, especially as they didn't even apologise, he just got really defensive and aggressive. Within minutes my sister-in-law was sounding off about it on Facebook. They haven't spoken to dh or I since, have deleted us both off their Facebook pages. My mum and other brother are really angry with them but have to say nothing for fear of being cut off also, mum would be devasted if cut off from her four grandchildren. Families hey. Wish I could just put it to one side and not think about them but I just can't let it go, I can't believe they have treated us like this. After Xmas we are moving abroad for a year with dh's work (of which I have sensed jealousy on their part) and it is highly unlikely that we will see them before we go. It is not fair on the kids either as my dses love playing with their cousins - you'd think they'd at least see us if only for the childrens' sake. I have continued to send birthday cards and presents which have not been returned, although no apologies either, although that is nothing new. Remains to be seen what they will do about Christmas presents.

Dh and I have often got the impression that they feel inferior to us, hence my SIL'd need to shout me down on my parenting opinions (her attitude to parenting is to put a crying baby in its room, shut the door and turn off the monitor - chills me to be honest). I did better academically than my brother and my dh has a better job, better income than him and I think they find that hard. Years back they were struggling financially and had just had a baby and we'd just got some inheritance so we bought a new car and basically just gave them our old one. At the time we thought we were doing them a favour but in hindsight I am wondering if that was unhelpful and made the gap between us wider.

I love my brother very much and despite my differences of opinion with my SIL I do care about her and my nephews/niece and it devastates me that they would shrug us off so easily.

I am wondering whether they are angry with us for having the chance to go abroad so it is convenient for them to push us aside at this time. I don't know.

All I know is that I want to be reconciled to them and simply cannot put them aside as they have done me, I am just not like that. I cannnot stand to be in discord with anybody.

We will be staying near to them for the few days before we leave the country as going to my mum's for Xmas, so we are going to tell them we will be there and would love to see them, can't see what else we can do.

Thank you for listening : )

They should have phoned but doesnt this sound like something that has been brewing for a while.

They may well have thought (rightly or wrongly) 'so what if we are late, moany git will be whining about something or other anyway'

That kind of thing. I really dont think it is all just about this party. OP doesnt sound like she is understanding, pleasant, or humble in anyway with her DBro or SIL.

People who feel put down stop caring about what they should or shouldnt do because what they do is never right or good enough anyway. I think OP needs to chew on some hunble pie and take a look in the mirror.

I am not saying they a necessarily right either but i think OP is far too happy to shift all the blame to their side.

that was **humble pie

I fully expect my partner to buy me lovely expensive presents and much smaller ones for his sister and her family.

I buy my brother a small gift and buy my DP an expensive one.

Isn't this normal for adults to do?

Not sure if YABU or not, it does sound like they were pretty rude to not phone and not to tell you they'd be late but it seems like there must be more to it?

The present thing - some people I know make a huge song and dance every Christmas about how they have no money at all and can't possibly afford any presents so will only be getting tiny token gifts for us all. They then spend huge amounts of money buying gifts for themselves. Of course that is their prerogative and I do expect to spend more on my DCs than on other people, but it can be a bit galling every year.

"If I was heading off to a party that I'd already said I would only get there for the later part of,"

The point is allaboutme, the OP is saying that he had said nothing of the sort. He is claiming he did and turning it around on her.

IMO however hard it is to get a family out of the door on time, if you want to go somewhere you do it. If you have booked tickets to see a film at 10am, you don't arrive at 1pm and lecture the cinema owners on how much effort you have made to get there three hours late, FFS.

Quite. Although I understand schools are terribly understanding about parents not managing to get kids there on time. And dentists, doctors, hospitals and even their own employers. Apparently trains are often prepared to wait too.

I cut off my contact with my brother and SIL. Lots of reasons why and I don't regret it in the slightest. In fact I immediately felt as if a weight had been lifted. I am sure my mother has some sadness that her two dcs do not talk but she completely understands why I did it. Sometimes you need to do whatever is necessary for your own life and that maybe what your brother and SIL think.

You critisice her parenting, you expect them to make an effort to come and see you, you get annoyed that they buy their own family better presents than you , you come across as feeling you are better than them, you think your mum did a better job than she is doing, you seem to expect gratitude for ever for giving them an old banger, you have emailed at least twice that I can see expressing no understanding but demanding an apology!

It doesnt surprise me at all they dont want anything to do with you.....

And good on your brother for clearly supporting his wife, we always say on here that a husbands priorty should be HIS wife and children not his family (parents and sibs), I bet she feels incredibly uncomfortable and looked down on around you, and he is supporting her but maybe feels a bit uncomfortable doing so hense the aggression and defensiveness!

You have to be able to see their side and not just expect to get what you want, or indeed this will not be mended!

Normal for me Morris

All she wants is for them to show they care, make a bit of an effort and turn up on time or at least phone. The rest of the post is about trying to see their side, trying to see how they might feel.

Well see I read it differently - sounds to me like she is hounding them to apologise!
And the rest sounds to me like she is bigging herself up by putting them down!

Just shows their are always 2 sides to a story, and more than 1 way of looking at something!

That's cos you're as defensive as they are.

yes but there is obviously a huge back story there, this party ho ha is just the latest symptom

You alright OP

I think that the fact that you see your brother buying more expensive presents for his wife and kids as an issue, is a clue as to why you have such a difficult relationship. Your focus seems to be on purely material issues - how much more money you have, how much money you had to pay at softplay... And if that attitude or demeanor comes across in real life, i'm not actually surprised that they are a bit pissed off tbh - sorry.

I suspect that there is a lot more to this than you have been able to describe, but I think that you need to leave them alone. i have no contact with my sister and my life is much less stressful. You don't have to like your relatives

They have chosen to cut you off - a decision which is totally and utterly theirs to make and which they don't have to justify. If they have chosen to make such a big decision based on a few small incidents then obviously they were never that bothered about the relationship in the first place. Equally, you don't seem to like them very much. So, on that basis, you are being U not to accept the situation. Stop sending them presents, don't discuss it with the rest of your family as you are just putting them in an awkward position and move on with your own life.

Summed up perfectly macdoodle If only i was as eloquent!

Sorry to derail the thread but I'm intrigued (sp) by twentiethcentury's post about presents.

Can I ask you twentiethc., what relationship to you are these people who buy you small presents, but big ones for themselves?

I think how people are responding to this OP says a lot about their own family situations, possibly. I have a bro similar to the OP's described one, and therefore sympathise with her. Others have perhaps not seen this sort of selfish behaviour and therefore think the OP is being overprecious and thinks she is better than her B and SIL.

My bro's excuse for anything was "well we have twins you know!" as if that was his get out of jail free card and no one had ever had twins before - in fact my mum also had twins and me so she knew exactly what it was like to cope with twins. And therefore that they were making a largely unnecessary song and dance about it.

And it is possible to feel (or even know) that others feel they are inferior without you doing anything to foster that feeling - my sis had this with her ILs, who all thought that she was posh and thought she was better than them, the last thing she did (v.v.low self esteem, my sis). She put a lot of effort into trying to fit in with them.

We've been a similar situation with my DH's brother and his wife. They were really close as children and young adults, but then started to grow apart. He became more distant when DH and I got together, but we used to see him every so often. Family is really important to me so I used to badger DH to see him and call him. Anyway he married (didn't invite either DH or I to the wedding) they said it was just the two of them, but in the photos there were all their friends there (about 30 people).

We have 2 children and so do they and they are all a similar age. The kids love playing together when they do see each other, but its not very often. We did make an effort to try to get the children together, but it keeps getting thrown back in our faces. They live about 1 hour away from us, so not far. We have invited them to our DDs birthday parties (9 in total) and they have never attended any. We have never been invited to any of their DC's parties - We post their presents to them. The only time we see them is at Christmas to swap presents and usually they don't seem to be able to get out of the house fast enough - I usually make lunch or dinner, but they wolf down the food and then run for the door. Last Christmas we went to their house for the present swap and we were told to make sure we have lunch before we come as they only have 4 chairs so can't offer us any food and to arrive at 1pm no earlier. Then when we arrived they said they were going out in 30mins so we basically left the presents and then drove back home!

Since that happened we haven't had anything to do with them, other than sending their DD a birthday present - they send a one line email to say they got it and she liked it, but didn't even have the decency to call. I make sure my DD's always telephone to say thankyou and then write a thank you letter.

So I think at some point you just have to accept that they may just not like you. We have accepted that fact. Its a pity the children don't get together as they are cousins, but my DDs have loads of cousins from my side of the family (we're a really close family) so they won't miss out. This Christmas we'll probably just email them to say we don't think there is any point swapping presents as we're pretty much strangers to their children and our youngest DD won't know them at all.

Sorry just noticed how long this post is.

Ultimately it comes down to what matters more to you, contact with your brother or being in the right?
If you really want a reconciliation then go eat humble pie, tell him he's right (even if he is not)and that you're sorry. Do this in person.

FWIW we are often late to family thinks, DP and DS fault! But on the late persons side its VEERY stressful going to family events when I know we will be late and I know people will be pissy about it

Try and forget all this shit,there is clearly alot of baggage and someone needs to take the first step here. If you upset enough to post, I would suggest taking the brave step of letting bygones be bygones

if you really do want to make amends I like the card suggestion posted earlier, or maybe just you and your brother go for dinner as suggested?

MorrisZapp - DH's family. It isn't the size/cost of present that bothers me, just having to listen to them complain about their (not that bad) finances every year. I agree with your post earlier and expect to buy more expensive presents for DH and DD, and cheaper things for everyone else but if we don't have much money we just spend less, I don't go around telling everyone about it.

I don't think the money/presents thing is relevant really, I just wondered if it was that kind of thing that the OP meant rather than her thinking her brother should spend equally on everyone.

Sorry OP, hijack over!

Back again folks - will try to answer your questions but got an afterschool playdate going on so may need to come and go!

Firstly - thank you to those of you who said I cam across as arrogant and feeling superior, judgemental. Point taken - I was not aware that I was but perhaps I am - it takes an objective observer to see what your loved ones can't. Will mull this over. I am sure I am not completely blameless in all this! Genuinely, the majority of my post was in trying to understand why my brother reacted in this way, ie perhaps it was jealousy or self-esteem issues, not to big up myself.

I genuinely like and care about my brother and SIL, like most people we do things differently and there are things that annoy me about them just as I am sure there are things that annoy them about me, as with most relationships. Prior to this we had got on fine, my SIL and I had some disagreements over parenting style which ended up in us having to agree to disagree and not talk about it, and after this we got on fine.

Re the presents, DandyLioness - I mean they would buy each other the latest electronic gadgets and me and dh a tin of Roses. It makes me feel like my brother does not care much whereas I take great care in choosing their cards and presents (not mega expensive ones as not about the money as someone has said but about the thought that has gone into it).

I have never ever critised my brother to his face (well not since we were kids lol) but have recently had some psychotherapy that left me feeling more empowered and able to confront him. Which has backfired as you can see. I actually thought I was doing something good by being open and honest about my feelings. I feel if I go to him now (even if he agrees to see me) it will be like me saying yes you were right to treat me in this way.

oh yes and I haven't been going on at them to apologise - after my brother and I had That Conversation we ceased contact and apart from sending a couple of birthday presents and cards I have had no contact with them - its been over a month now. I never spoke or exchanged messages with my SIL at all on the matter and have not spoken to her since either - she made her position plain my deleting me and dh from her facebook friends.