to not be able to get over my brother and SIL cutting us off

[PrincessElsa]

Feeling pretty devastated at the moment - I'm sory this is long but I'd really welcome your thoughts on this.

My brother and his wife have basically just cut us off. They have always been a bit funny (always have to be right, deaf to others' opinions, buying expensive presents for each other and their kids but giving crap presents to the rest of their family such as us, my mum and my brothers, we visit them regularly but they never make the effort to come to us, we've lived here 6 years and they've maybe visited 3 or 4 times) but we've just put up with it, but then this summer they were invited to ds1's 6th birthday party and were three hours late, they arrived as we were packing up (we had it in a village hall). They only live an hour away - and this is not the first time this has happened - didn't invite them last year but the year before they did the same thing, we had it at a soft play and I had paid for their kids to attend - they didn't even apologise or offer to reimburse me. They now have 4 kids including one baby so I can understand it is difficult getting out, but three hours?!? Also the time before they only had 2 kids and were 2 hours late. It was kind of a last straw so a few weeks later I told my brother how hurt I was, especially as they didn't even apologise, he just got really defensive and aggressive. Within minutes my sister-in-law was sounding off about it on Facebook. They haven't spoken to dh or I since, have deleted us both off their Facebook pages. My mum and other brother are really angry with them but have to say nothing for fear of being cut off also, mum would be devasted if cut off from her four grandchildren. Families hey. Wish I could just put it to one side and not think about them but I just can't let it go, I can't believe they have treated us like this. After Xmas we are moving abroad for a year with dh's work (of which I have sensed jealousy on their part) and it is highly unlikely that we will see them before we go. It is not fair on the kids either as my dses love playing with their cousins - you'd think they'd at least see us if only for the childrens' sake. I have continued to send birthday cards and presents which have not been returned, although no apologies either, although that is nothing new. Remains to be seen what they will do about Christmas presents.

Dh and I have often got the impression that they feel inferior to us, hence my SIL'd need to shout me down on my parenting opinions (her attitude to parenting is to put a crying baby in its room, shut the door and turn off the monitor - chills me to be honest). I did better academically than my brother and my dh has a better job, better income than him and I think they find that hard. Years back they were struggling financially and had just had a baby and we'd just got some inheritance so we bought a new car and basically just gave them our old one. At the time we thought we were doing them a favour but in hindsight I am wondering if that was unhelpful and made the gap between us wider.

I love my brother very much and despite my differences of opinion with my SIL I do care about her and my nephews/niece and it devastates me that they would shrug us off so easily.

I am wondering whether they are angry with us for having the chance to go abroad so it is convenient for them to push us aside at this time. I don't know.

All I know is that I want to be reconciled to them and simply cannot put them aside as they have done me, I am just not like that. I cannnot stand to be in discord with anybody.

We will be staying near to them for the few days before we leave the country as going to my mum's for Xmas, so we are going to tell them we will be there and would love to see them, can't see what else we can do.

Thank you for listening : )

I'm sorry, from the first post I think you are being a bit unreasonable and petty [they didn't offer to pay you back for the expenses you have incured at your child party??? please], then you say they feel inferior to you, that they are envious,and you are giving them a bad time about being late, etc, etc.

I think you may be perhaps too demanding, you have to understand that he has now his own family and this operates in a different way to yours. If you can cope with it that shouldn't be a problem but if they are having a bad time trying to keep to your standards and being repeatedly told they have not apologised, well.. it is not exactly surprising they are keeping their distances.

Actually, I think you are being treated a bit harshly here.

I'm not sure I buy your brothers excuses. 3 hours late withoiu a phone call ? whats that about ? Plain rudeness really.

Do some of these chidren not have to be at school or nursery ? I know organising a family group is difficult (speaking from personal experience here) but come on ...

To the OP, I think you cant really do too much about it. There are obviously some bigger issues going on here that you dont know about. Sorry that its upset you .

P.Elsa - leave them alone. There is too much hurt and resentment on both sides for you to sort this out now. Wait until it has cooled down a bit.

Your bro is being a tad ridiculous - my bro and his partner were similar re. their DC - one day "out of routine" isn't going to ruin their DC's lives and it wouldn't have hurt them to phone to say they were running late, nor to actually have apologised for being so late. Chances are that they were so miffed that the thing was over by the time they got there, that they got all self-righteous about how they'd made the effort and for what - only to have missed it because you were so inconsiderate as to not time it around their weaning schedule, so they no longer felt the need to apologise.

Some people just have the ability to re-write history to suit their own purposes and you can argue til you're blue in the face with them about what actually happened and get nowhere. So don't waste your time.

Either decide that you are the bigger people, "forget" about it and continue to make friendly overtures to them, or let them sulk to their hearts' content. But stop trying to explain your own hurt - you're never going to get it across to them.

OP - I can sort of get your brother's point - I only have one and I have trouble getting to things on time.
BUT - Three hours late? Without just phoning or texting? I ALWAYS let someone know if I'm running a bit late. It's common courtesy.
And from personal experience of DP's auntie I can say it is silly when adhering to a rigid routine for your child determines how you interact with others. DP's cousins ALWAYS have to eat at the same time. Every family do has to be organised around their family routine, and when food is ready, the parents will sit the kids at the table and start feeding them without letting everyone else know that food is ready even
But as others have said, I don't think there is much that can be done about it really. Back off, leave them to it and they will come round hopefully.

I think YABU, he doesnt sound like a loon, and I wonder what this story would sound like from his side??
TBH you DO sound as if you think you are better than them, and I wonder if they are picking up on it and feeling like the "poor relatives"??

I think you are being a bit OTT and taking offence too easily, eg to the lateness. They don't sound as bad as you're making out, so I think yabu because it came across to me in the initial thread that you think of your family much better than them (criticising their parenting, think they must be jealous of you etc). If they are sensing that same attitude from you then no wonder they don't want to spend too much time together.
I hope you work it out, but you need to realise that they may not be the only ones at fault here, your attitude to them could be playing a big part

I'd leave them well be.

I think you are being treated a bit harshly here too.

Your brother says he kept saying they'd never make that time? Errr, so in that case they would have declined the invitation wouldn't they?

Children's parties are for a set time, any idiot knows that. If you are going to be three hours late, then you don't come. And you apologise profusely.

I think that was an astonishing bit of passive aggresion on your brother's part.

Are you the older sister by any chance? I am the youngest of three girls and even as an adult there are times when I want to rebel against my older sister "still trying to boss me about." It feels to me like he is so pathetic that even being asked to turn up at a set time is construed as controlling and bossy, even though it is normal, socially acceptable behaviour.

Let's face it, is he three hours late for work in the morning and tell his boss the same tripe?

I can't stand it when people try the "I have considerably more children than yow," line and try to get you to feel sorry for them when they have chosen to have that many children. [Disclaimer, I do not include the lady I know who got pregnant for the fourth time and it turned out to be triplets, in this. Oucher!)

He sounds like a self-pitying, petulant twat. And you can put that on your Facebook page as a quote if you like

You sound as bad as each other to me. Just let the dust settle and try to get on better terms over time. Families don't have to live in each other's pockets, or even like each other all the time. I can see your points, but I would feel irritated too if I were your brother or his wife.

People are different, they have different priorities. Live and let live.

Sorry, just to add, let's get this straight:

organising FOUR children to get out the door on time is sooooooooooooo much harder than organising two children AND a party to start on time?

Maybe for him it is OP sounds totally unsympathetic to anyone not herself!

Imagine this story from the pov of the OP's SIL. We'd all be saying yes, your SIL sounds unreasonable.

Op, YABU but no doubt there is much more to all this than you have time to write about here.

As others have said, let the dust settle and if you still want contact with your brother and his family then do it later.

Agree with dandy - sounds like there is more to this than we are hearing.

You came across to me as actually feeling superior, whether or not you care. That must make them feel dreadful. They did come, even if REALLY late, and maybe he thinks he apologised because at the time he was truely sorry and simply hadnt noticed the words hadnt reached his mouth.

I dont think bringing up your mums situation was fair. Different families and people cope and deal with things differently.

If they do feel insuperior, that must be really hard for his wife. She has no blood link with you to put up with it.

I can't tell who's being unreasonable.
But were you really bothered that they buy each other expensive presents?
It'd be good if can you manage to rebuild some bridges before you go away.

Wow. They sound like the first people to ever have a family!! that must be really tough.

I agree, let them delete you, let them 'cut you off'. It sounds so petty.

Sometimes there are threads on mn where people say, yes, cut off your mother/father but that is after 20 years of being undermined.

Cutting somebody off, not just somebody, close relatives! because you feel they don't 'get' what you're up against, getting somewhere on time... that is so petty it is funny.

Give them a couple of years.

Not that this could be their excuse, but I sort of think people get caught up in themselves these days, and are really busy. I know DH's sister is a nazi on people being late to her chns bday parties and any other family event. DH's brother purposely gets late I think just to piss her off, I know he can't stand all her rubbish.

We get to some things half an hour usually maybe an hour late. DH works his arse off doing 12 hr shifts and getting up at 4 am each morning and we enjoy our time on our weekends too - make the most of it. Us being late (not 3 hours though!) we don't go timing guests coming to our events and I couldn't give a crap or even would really notice people are late, usually flat out to care - I swear SIL takes notes on tardiness!

But 3 hrs is a bit much and esp with it being over.

I do also think as you get older and everyone gets their own family, you do sort of drift a little and it's mostly about your own family.

I would never see my relatives just for my children's sake. I visit my relatives because I enjoy seeing them. If I didn't enjoy seeing them I wouldn't go, my kids have enough friends that live locally, I think cousins usually only end up seeing alot of each other if they live near by and the parents get on.
Most cousins who saw alot of each other as children drift apart as adults anyway.
You sound as though you don't like your SIL much and believe your parenting techniques are superior to hers, rather than just different.
The party thing sounds rude, but some people don't like having a regimented social life and save the being on time stuff for work and like more casual weekends.
As kids we had an aunt who was always late with her family. My parents never nagged them about this, it was just accepted that you added an hour or 2 onto the time they said they'd arrive at.
When we stayed with them though we'd see why they were late as they were hopeless at getting up and getting themselves organised on a morning. We still enjoyed seeing them though as we enjoyed their company.
Can you phone and chat to your brother about it, don't bring up the negative stuff about the past and get defensive, just talk about wanting to have a better relationship in the future.

Agent - I said they're loons because they seem to feel got at and mistreated and unwilling/unable to communicate. I bet they'd manage to get the kids to school on time. And anyone with any manners would phone and say, sorry, having a nightmare with all the kids, am going to be late. THEN you'd get sympathy and understanding.

Imagine it from your brother and SIL's pov...

My sister invited us all to her childs birthday party. We live an hour away and said we'd like to see them but couldnt get there for the whole thing.
We told Mum and other sister we were going just for the later part of it.
We have 4 children including a new baby and it was a nightmare getting them all ready and out the door, plus the travelling there.. we ended up getting there just as the party was ending which was a shame but were still pleased to see the birthday girl and all the family.
After travelling over an hour to see them we were hoping for an invite to go to theirs for a cup of tea and a chat, but my sister was just furious at us for being so late, even though I am sure she knew we would be!
She keeps emailing me asking for more apologies so we can reconcile, but I feel a bit annoyed by it all.
AIBU?

THEY COULD HAVE PHONED. IT WAS RUDE.

I too have a very tricky relationship with my brother and I feel from your email you sort of think that he has a massive chip on his shoulder. I think that in a way you are out of order for dragging up how his mum coped as it implies you think he isn't coping or whining about it. I think that your bro might have been, god we are late, I bet sis is going to get a tiz about this, and that pisses him off, so he gets in a grump first, IYSWIM??
My brother gives me the impression that he has to control the situation and if something isn't going his way he gets very upset or defensive about it. I have to accept that that is the way I choose to let his behaviour affect me. I shrug it all now and don't engage. If he was late to my DS party and didn't apologise when I brought it up I would shrug it off. In the long run its not worth the stress. I do it for the kids.
Maybe your bro is jealous of the financial security you have or maybe you are paranoid that he is? IT is really hard to separate those types of emotions, but you just have to do what is right for your family and keep him in the picture. Kill him with kindness.

Prettyfly1 sums it up for me.

I don't think I would make such a huge effort to be in your company if I were your SIL tbh. But then again I too have left the baby to cry and shut the door. (She's 12 now - she didn't die and wasn't scarred for life). I also spend more on my own DC than I do on others and I believe that it's the height of ill manners to judge or comment on the value of a gift.

Speaking as someone who has walked away from certain members of her family you can take it from me that to do so can be a very positive move. The sense of relief and liberation I felt when I finally realised that just because I am related to them I don't have to take their crap or be responsible for them was magical, as if a huge load had been lifted from my shoulders and a black cloud moved from over my head.

If it does happen that your issue with your own family remains unresolved, you never know, one of you may feel as I did.

If I was heading off to a party that I'd already said I would only get there for the later part of, I would NOT phone on the way to say again 'I wont be there till later'.
I would assume that the host would remember I was ariving later and also that she would be busy running a childs party and not want disturbing!!

Also, perhaps the brother is slightly annoyed that clearly think (as you tell everyone) that you are better educated, have better jobs, more money, better cars, and better taste in buying presnts etc than he does.

I think it would be a good idea to leave it for a while now. Let the dust settle.
Still send xmas cards and presents for the kids. Send them the odd postcard while you are away saying you are thinking of them and just have a good hard think wwhile you are away about things and what really matters.

allaboutme makes a very valid eloquent post