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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect all party guests to be invited to a sleepover if it's only a difference of one?

69 replies

CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 20:37

I've just collected DS near to tears from a friends birthday party, the boys had been bowling and it was known that some were going to be staying for a sleepover but DS was not on the "staying over" list, it turns out he was the only one not staying out of five guests. The mother explained on the phone previously that she "couldn't possibly cope with all of them" - I naturally assumed that a larger number were going bowling but just a few staying for the sleepover, but it turned out there were only five guests altogether! I can understand only too well that half a dozen 8/9 year old boys can ge a handful, but is there really any difference between 5 and 6, especially as my DS now thinks he has done something wrong?

The silly woman presumably thinks that children don't talk to each other...

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 07/11/2009 20:38

YANBU.

Hulababy · 07/11/2009 20:39

Oh, your poor DS.

YANBU. That as a rotton thing for the other mum to do. You don't just exclude one child like this.

CMOTdibbler · 07/11/2009 20:40

YANBU. Did maybe (am trying to be reasonable here) some boys drop out so there would have been more ?

onebatmother · 07/11/2009 20:40

Oh, that's horrid, poor poor ds. She's either very thick or very insensitive (or very mean, less likely though).

A similar thing happened to mine recently, and I'm pretty sure it was about the parent's social connections (I'm not a particular friend of hers) than something particularly awful about ds - and this is how I explained it to him. He understood and felt better I think.

shonaspurtle · 07/11/2009 20:42

YANBU. I think some adults' (mother in this case) empathy doesn't develop beyond the age of 5.

Even if there had been more and some had dropped out she should have phoned and asked if your ds could stay over.

I just can't imagine any decent adult I know allowing one child to be left out like this. People are odd.

paisleyleaf · 07/11/2009 20:44

unbelievable

Original poster
CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 20:44

Thanks for replies, yes I did wonder whether the original number had been higher but apparently not. DS said his friend wanted him at the sleepover but his mum didn't for some reason Just wondering whether to tackle the woman about it, I've actually known her for years as my 16 year old was also in the same class as her eldest daughter at primary school! I'm just not quite sure what to say...

OP posts:
Fabster · 07/11/2009 20:44

YANBU

Take him for his own treat tmw.

wolfear · 07/11/2009 20:44

YANBU

Your poor DS. Was it definitely the mum's decision, not the birthday boy's? If so, what a cow.

bellavita · 07/11/2009 20:45

That was not a nice thing to do to one child.. say if 3 or 4 out of a whole lot then maybe ok, but not one.

macdoodle · 07/11/2009 20:46

I think thats awful, ......but is your DS perhaps slightly harder work than the other boys ??
I know its awful really I do, but my DD1 (8) has a girl in her little group of about 6/8 girls, who is incredibly hard work, she whines and moans, wont do what the others will, wont go off and play,wont eat anything but expects other options,sulks and cries if she doesnt get her own way, is incredibly demanding of time and effort.
I am a single mum with another little one nearly 2, and there is no way in hell I could have this little girl over to sleep (in fact I dread having her over at all), so saying I wouldnt have all the others and exclude her, I would limit it to 1-2 to sleep

bigchris · 07/11/2009 20:47

god thats awful

at least if you'd known beforehand you and him could have decided whether or not to go at all

Original poster
CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 20:49

Macdoodle, that's a good question but no - DS has no behavioural issues (other than the usual ) and as far as I know has never got into any trouble when at someone's house - in fact if anything he is one of the quieter ones! He is in fact very sensitive and this has affected him quite badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 20:51

...and yes I agree that even if there is a very difficult child you shouldn't exclude them - a child in youngest DD's class has really serious behavioural problems (needs one to one at school) but was still invited to her party! (The fact that his mum didn't stay and we ended up having to phone her is another story!!!)

OP posts:
brimfull · 07/11/2009 20:53

god what a cruel bitch!

why invite him to then send him home alone while everyone else stays on

unfuckingbelievable!!!

am angry for you and your ds

passthevino · 07/11/2009 20:57

No that's terrible. I appreciate a sleepover must be very hard work but how utterly insensitive and rude to exclude one child.
It is fairly hard to know how to tackle someone about something like this as if she has been mean enough to do it in the first place she's unlikely to care about your DS's feelings.

Maybe you could ask her whether there was some problem with your DS's behaviour that led to him being excluded??.....and then sock it to her

diddl · 07/11/2009 20:57

But he knew before he went that he wasn´t staying over?

I think perhaps YABU.

Perhaps she only has space for a certain number, and decided that the youngest couldn´t stay, or her son decided who couldn´t stay.

Why would your son think he has done wrong?

Hulababy · 07/11/2009 21:00

There have been so many threads recently of adults excluding just one child in a group. I can't believe a parent can ever be so insensitive or cruel to a little child. Surely when they make the plans they think about the effects on others and how it would make others feel? Don't they out their own child int he position of the excluded one and wonder how they'd like it?

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 21:00

Live and learn. Don't let him go there again.

diddl · 07/11/2009 21:02

One the face of it, it does seem wrong/harsh whatever.

But remembering recently a thread about a boy sleeping on the floor,perhaps this mother thought that she had beter only sleepover as many as she had beds for.

onebatmother · 07/11/2009 21:06

but in that case diddl, she should make sure that she excludes more than one. The one who is left out is of course going to think that there is something about him in particular which is not wanted. It's obvious really.

prettyfly1 · 07/11/2009 21:15

Oh thats horrid - is there anything you can do to cheer him up

Original poster
CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 21:18

Actually diddl DS went because I really couldn't believe he would be the only one not staying - I had already checked with one of the other mums and she thought it was just her son who was staying which seemed OK - have just spoken to her and she is just as and as I am!

OP posts:
Original poster
CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 21:18

...I would also happily have loaned a small mattress thingy if that was a problem...

OP posts:
diddl · 07/11/2009 21:22

Perhaps you should have asked the mother when you collected, then.