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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect all party guests to be invited to a sleepover if it's only a difference of one?

69 replies

CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 20:37

I've just collected DS near to tears from a friends birthday party, the boys had been bowling and it was known that some were going to be staying for a sleepover but DS was not on the "staying over" list, it turns out he was the only one not staying out of five guests. The mother explained on the phone previously that she "couldn't possibly cope with all of them" - I naturally assumed that a larger number were going bowling but just a few staying for the sleepover, but it turned out there were only five guests altogether! I can understand only too well that half a dozen 8/9 year old boys can ge a handful, but is there really any difference between 5 and 6, especially as my DS now thinks he has done something wrong?

The silly woman presumably thinks that children don't talk to each other...

OP posts:

MollieO · 07/11/2009 21:28

Sounds to me as if it may be a problem between you and the mother rather than the boys. Not fair on your ds to be in the middle but it may be as simple as the mother not liking you. Harsh but not unknown (between parents in general not you in particular ).

shonaspurtle · 07/11/2009 21:31

That would be even worse though. Using a child as a pawn in some gripe with another mother...

Restricted emotional growth. It's the only explanation. She won't be able to see that she's done anything wrong because she can't put herself into someone else's shoes, which is sad.

dilemma456 · 07/11/2009 21:40

Message withdrawn

BigMomma3 · 07/11/2009 21:46

Some people are like that, really can't believe they are normal .

My DS has been close friends with a boy in his class since reception (they are now in Yr3) and he is the only one is their group of friends not to have been invited for a playdate. They live about 20 ft from us and I have had the boy here (where he told me that my car was rubbish and they have a much better car ) but it has never been reciprocated even though the friend asks about DS going over all the time. His mother just changes the subject or says 'someday' . My DS has no behavior problems and is invited to other people houses so I definitely think she has a problem with me but have no idea what!! Makes me so sad as he is desperate to go and gets upset when he sees the boy taking other friends home .

Original poster

CaliforniaDreams · 07/11/2009 22:37

Diddl - I just assumed I was the first to arrive, it was only when we got outside that DS confirmed to me that he was the only one going home..

Mollie - don't think so...DD didn't get on particularly well with her DD (i.e. they weren't in the same circle of friends in the way that our DSs are iyswim) and I hardly ever see her now as we don't go to the school gate - she works and DS gets a bus

I think I simply have to accept that this was an unbelievably cruel thing to do,
but any attempt to flag it up to her will be pointless as it could create bad feeling between the boys - after all it's not their fault!

OP posts:

MollieO · 07/11/2009 22:52

If there isn't any underlying cause then there is probably nothing you can do. I would ensure that your ds really does understand it is not his fault that he is the only one not invited to stay.

motherlovebone · 07/11/2009 23:36

Nothing you can do, no, but i would have to talk to her or it would ruin the friendship for me.
I would say something like, had i known he would be excluded later we could have refused the invite.
no wonder he feels like he has done something wrong, exclusion is a punishment.
what an odd thing to do.

risingstar · 08/11/2009 09:05

well, maybe her DS had actually invited more than she wanted in the first place and she just drew the line at any more?

sounds like she didn't want any sleepover in the first place ( and who can blame her?)

she is probably like the rest of us, stressed and over worked and lost track of who/what where.

of course, you can assume that she was persecuting your DS, that he was singled out specially.

you can make her feel terrible by pointing out how devastating her behaviour was.

or you could just put it down to being one of those things and just move on.

MintyCane · 08/11/2009 09:10

YANBU it is a mean and unthoughtful thing to do. I would not say anything to her as that will make things worse but she is clearly an idiot.

diddl · 08/11/2009 09:17

Sorry, but I think you are way overdramatising this.

"Unbelievably cruel"

Maybe her son was asking for something she wasn´t happy to do, and a compromise was reached.

howmuchdidyousay · 08/11/2009 09:26

It does seem a rather cruel thing to do ,but maybe other 'day' kids dropped out.
Very difficult to say anything to the other parents without coming over as the psycho mother from hell - they DID invite your DS to the party after all.Would be very rude imo

deaddei · 08/11/2009 09:30

I think if you've had 10 to a party and 4 for a sleepover, that's fine. Mean to do it to 1 boy. Were more boys expected at the bowling perhaps?
I do agree with diddl "unbelievably cruel" is a bit ott. Thoughtless, yes, but let's reserve "unbelievably cruel" for REAL cruelty. I don't think there's any need for a special treat either.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/11/2009 09:30

Imagine going to a works do and finding that everyone else is going on for drinks after and you aren't invited. No matter how confident and self assured you are - that will sting and leave you wondering what's wrong with you. Imagine you are 7 the feelings would be so much worse. For a party like that you either have no children staying, just the birthday child's best friend or all the children. Anything else is cruel.

deaddei · 08/11/2009 09:32

Kat- we've had a party with 6 girls, 2 stayed for sleepover. Was that cruel?
No, logistically reasonable, 2 best friends, everyone had a fab time.

MintyCane · 08/11/2009 09:37

6 and 2 stay over is different from leaving out one boy. If they didn't want to include him it would have been better not to invite him at all.

2rebecca · 08/11/2009 09:39

I think it was mean but not life damaging and think you are being OTT about it. If I was the mum hosting the party then I wouldn't have invited your son at all if there was no room for him at the sleepover, which maybe he'd have been more disappointed with.
Have never done sleepovers apart from 1 friend occasionally as we both work and value our free time.
I think if you can't invite all at party to sleepover then you should hold the sleepover on a different evening so it's not seen as choosing favourites.

wannaBe · 08/11/2009 09:43

are you absolutely certain that everyone else was staying? Children do have a habbit of making their own social lives, so I wonder if it's possible that these kids were essentially sorting out amongst themselves who would be staying and actually that wasn't the case at all?

Have seen children come out of school talking about how they're going for tea at x' house and then when they arrive at their mother the mother tells them that's just not going to happen..

If the woman deliberately excluded just one child (and tbh even if some were to turn up and didn't I don't think she should be forced to change her plans, five children is a lot to have staying over) then she is thoughtless, and it's not very nice, but to call her cruel and a bitch is way ott.

diddl · 08/11/2009 09:44

Yes, it would have been better not to invite him.

But perhaps the mother thought that something was better than nothing?

Original poster

CaliforniaDreams · 08/11/2009 09:46

ok so maybe "unbelievably cruel" was a bit strong, but "unbelievably insensitive" - possibly a bit more accurate?

DS cried himself to sleep last night and is still all red-eyed and miserable this morning.

And yes, I (and he) would rather not be invited to a party at all than appear to be "sent home" part way through it...

OP posts:

Original poster

CaliforniaDreams · 08/11/2009 09:47

btw I never called anyone a bitch???

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MintyCane · 08/11/2009 09:51

I think it was insensitive and cruel to leave one kid out of a group like that. In the last 13 years i have seen countless mothers in tears over things like this. It doesn't take much planning to avoid doing it.

diddl · 08/11/2009 09:51

But he knew before that he wasn´t staying the night & that you would collect him after bowling.

I can´t help but think that you are making the whole thing worse, somehow.

Original poster

CaliforniaDreams · 08/11/2009 09:59

diddl, he knew he wasn't staying but he didn't know he wasn't the only one ... or rather he did, it's just that I didn't believe that could really be the case and nor did the mum of one of the other guests. When I asked the birthday child's mum last week how many were going to the party she managed to skirt around the subject and she did the same when DH dropped DS off at her house before they set off for the bowling alley.

I didn't pick him up from bowling, the kids went back to the house for tea and were then playing, I had to fetch him from the room where they were all having a good time in order to take him home.

Believe me I'm not trying to make a big issue out of this, I simply came on here to see what others thought. This has happened to me before on MN...it seems that the simple act of asking for an opinion and discussing on here is considered by some to be "making an issue", if that were the case nobody would ever post anything!

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Original poster

CaliforniaDreams · 08/11/2009 10:02

deaddi, yes - we've done that before but there's a big difference between 2 out of 6 and 3 out of 4!

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wannaBe · 08/11/2009 10:03

no sorry that wasn't aimed at you, but someone else on the thread did.

Tbh if it had been my child I would have been inclined to say "I'm sure they're not all staying over, they've probably got it wrong," and convinced him that he wasn't the only one. It's not uncommon after all for kids to set their own agendas that the parents aren't a part of. (have discovered that ds has this week invited an extra child over for tea on friday as his birthday is on Sunday, that I didn't know about. )

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