to expect all party guests to be invited to a sleepover if it's only a difference of one?

[CaliforniaDreams]

I've just collected DS near to tears from a friends birthday party, the boys had been bowling and it was known that some were going to be staying for a sleepover but DS was not on the "staying over" list, it turns out he was the only one not staying out of five guests. The mother explained on the phone previously that she "couldn't possibly cope with all of them" - I naturally assumed that a larger number were going bowling but just a few staying for the sleepover, but it turned out there were only five guests altogether! I can understand only too well that half a dozen 8/9 year old boys can ge a handful, but is there really any difference between 5 and 6, especially as my DS now thinks he has done something wrong?

The silly woman presumably thinks that children don't talk to each other...

ok, so he did actually know that he wasn't staying. He knew that he was the only one not staying (whether you believed it or not he had been made aware), yet you still let him go to the bowling, picked him up knowing he was the only one not stahing and let him get upset to the point he cried himself to sleep.

I think excluding just one child is wrong but I also think you handled it badly. If you had been told he was the only one not staying then IMO you should have checked so you could decide whether to allow him to go to the bowling element of the party and get himself into a state.

Oh my goodness!

He knew & you didn´t believe him!!

YANBU Thats just plain nasty.

OP,I can understand why you would have thought he wouldn´t be the only one staying over.

Did you tell him that you were sure this wouldn´t be the case, and that is what caused the upset, rather than asking did he still want to go at all?

So if you knew ahead of time why not just blow off the whole party and not set DS for the tears?

It isn't the other mum's fault that you couldn't believe it if she told you.

It sounds like just one of those things that happen.

I think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP. When her ds told her that he was the only child not staying over, she probably didn't believe it because it does seem really insensitive to exclude one child and the OP probably didn't think an adult would do such a thing to a child. I do however think that the OP should try to forget about the issue and see it a a lesson learned. I have had similar issues with my dd and her friends, but have explained to my dd that sometimes adults don't always do the right thing. OP just give your ds lots of praise and affirmation and i guarantee by the end of the day he'll feel much better. I agree with the posters who suggest that you have to tread carefully with regards to the boy's mother,because you really don't know what arrangements were made among the children themselves. You said that your ds is quiet ,perhaps the other boys decided that they wanted to stay and perhaps your son wasn't vocal about his wish to sleep over. We just don't know.

sorry, that should of course be the only one not saying over.

Sleepovers are utter hell on earth. I think we should all sign a pledge as mumsnetters never to allow any again. This would avoid the problem wouldn't it?

Awful just awful, I can't blame you for not believing him but you do have to make it up to him now. Any cinemas near you that you could go to? Or rent a movie and get some popcorn or somthing?

I think so too, Quattrofangs(re mother drawing line)

Have had daughter wanting one at part of the birthday & not the other!

I find sleepovers great for daughters b/day, tbh.

Cheapest, easiest thing we have ever done.

Although she is older, & they more or less look after themselves.

YANBU - to a DC it is cruel to be the only one left out. I think you just have to explain that life is unfair and not everyone is as kind as you might hope. IMO the birthday DS should have had one friend stay over-but you have to move on and not dwell on it.

I agree with Quattrofangs re sleepovers being hell : I hearby, (and henceforward as well) pledge never to have a sleepover because they only cause pain and suffering to all concerned.

Oh god birthday parties are a minefiled, my DD1 is 8, my best friend has a DD in her class, they live over the road, and the girls spend a lot of time together out of school,as we are friends and help each other out with childcare/pickups drop offs etc!

In school they are not that friendly, my DD1 has branched out and is more friendly I guess with girls she has more in common with, her DD is quieter and I think struggling a bit
Today DD1 is going to a aprty of a boy in their class, best friends DD is not invited
What a trauma Her DD says she is the ONLY one of their little group of girls not invited, my DD says not ans that he has invited all the boys (only4) and about 4 girls she thinks!

I understand how hard it for my best friend, but boy she has made a big deal about it, it is ALL we have talked about this week, she has made such a big deal that I think she is making it worse, she has gone out of her way for her DD to have a "treat" instead, that now my DD thinks she has got the raw deal being invited to the party, I give up and have said I dont want to hear another word!

Stupid nasty woman to exclude one child.
Hope your DS is ok

I wonder if ,as you and the party mum go back a long way, r her DS is actually very friendly with your DS or it is just one of these things that keep going because the 2 or you are friends.Perhaps he didn't want to invite your DS at all and this is was a compromise ?
Either way you need to just jolly your DS along a bit and distract him with something else nice, rather than letting him brood.

I can't understand adults like this. Even if my boys said they didn't like one child I would never allow them to just exclude one. Very bad form.

The other mother is an absolute arsehole. Hope she gets piles the size of grapefruits for what shes done! Cruel, cruel cruel.

Thanks for all feedback on this. Forehead, you've got it right - I didn't believe DS because I thought he had probably got it wrong! I honestly didn't know that this was what was going to happen!

In the event we had a good day, DS went to remembrance service with cubs then this afternoon we took everyone to the cinema then funfair and fireworks, he came home tired but a lot happier than yesterday.

I just hope he can put it behind him now.

There have been many comments, though, about the perils of parties and sleepovers. My 4 children range in age from 7 to 16, and between them have been to many parties and sleepovers, and of course hosted their own. I have never had a problem with sleepovers (but then haven't yet had one for DS so can only speak for the girls!). However, I can honestly say that this is the first time something like this has ever happened in all that time, so I suppose we're lucky to have got away with it for so long.

ps - howmuchdidyousay - no, I'm really not particularly friendly with this person, our DD's didn't see much of each other but our DSs are quite good friends, so it's not that.

Squishabelle - OUCH!!!