to still be annoyed by being questioned on whether my DS was MINE when flying - because we have different surnames?

[mojomama]

i really just need to 'park it' BUT - when recently flying with my 14month old, a jumped-up passport control bloke detained me and questioned "how do i know he's yours?", because my son has a different surname to me, and, after I'd being driven to the point of apoplexy, suggested, in future, i "travel with a letter from his father giving permission"!!!! What if his dad had passed away?! i was sooo cross, but he started to look like he wouldn't let me board so i calmed down enough to get past him - AIBU???

What is actually annoying is the fact that nobody thought this through when they abolished the possibility of dc being included on their parents' passports.

Surely it wouldn't be beyond the wit of humankind to have designed a slightly different passport format for under-18s, with spaces for the parents' names to be entered? Or to have a space in the adult passport for the names of any dependent dc to be entered.

I know other european countries do the first of those options, can't see why the second wouldn't work equally well.

The other irritating thing about it is how hit and miss all the identity checking is -- you can cross the same border 10 times, and only be asked once, so what about the other 9 times? Some countries are much more assiduous about checking than others. And nobody flags it up to parents at the passport application stage.

There should be a section in the booklet when you apply for a kids' passport warning you that there may be issues where the parental surnames are different from the child's, and explaining exactly what the regulations are and what documentation you need in order to avoid problems. Atm it's all completely random, leading to silly questions like the one the OP got asked re letters of permission from the father. Like you couldn't run one of those off in 5 mins on a word-processor, ffs. It wouldn't be worth the paper it's printed on, in any case.

When my exp took ds to Canada (his home country) this year he was was let in, but told to get a letter from me giving permission for ds to travel - and they have the same surname. Part of their trip included crossing over to the States, where they would have refused him entry without it, so I sent a detailed email which covered them.

Within Europe it tends to be a bit laxer, as I have frequently travelled with ds (with another surname) and haven't been stopped, but always worth checking

Oh, and yes, YABU. Its a sensible measure to safeguard everyone. If my exp took my ds without my permission, I would be pretty pissed off if no one thought to question him at immigration.

I thought you meant that someone was wondering if he was fully human after acquiring the power of flight. Oh well.

YANBU
if a letter from the other parent is required it should be required whatever their surname. This man linked the requiring a letter with the fact that you don't share a surname - which is insulting and wrong. Either it is a requirement for all solo flyers or it isn't.

And it's completely unworkable to insist all solo flying parents have a letter of consent from the other parent. What will they do when the other parent is absent/unknown/deceased/abusive? Stop the parent from boarding?

This is a typical example of UK airports using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Why not have a register of all missing children or children flagged up as at risk of abduction via ports/airports and passport control can have an alert system for those children who are on it?

Easyjet were humming and aaahing about letting me check in with DS until DH came along as we don't share a surname. But we had nothing to prove that DH was his father apart from a shared surname, or that I was his mother. If they are serious about providing evidence of parenthood then a birth cert is the only thing, not a letter of permission!

YABU, sorry. As a intercountry couple (DH from Canada, me from India) it would be very easy for one of us to take DD away to another country if we broke up or something.

Its standard practice to carry letters from absent parent, if travelling alone.I always carry DDs birth certificate and a copy of our marriage cert, plus a recent letter from DH, just in case we get checked. We've never been so far. In fact some countries ask for the letter to be notarised as well.

I am probably going OTT, but I would rather be checked than have to deal with the trauma of a kidnapped child.

We flew into LHR the other night. Me, DH and 2 x DSs. DH was asked if the children were his....and he shares their name. The pass port guy then asked teh children where they had been....

I have been asked if I am the mother when with DSs on my own. Can't get too worked up about it. Mind you if they stopped me I would be. Anyway, boys old enough to speak their mind now.

Italian children (like mine) all have a different surname to their mothers.

As, I imagine, do a lot of British children whose parents aren't married.

I don't get the big deal?

Some authorities do insist on a letter from the other parent giving permission. Unless you are taking your child out of the country to escape from the other parent I don't see why you would be so pissy about it tbh. It's to protect the child, as others have said.

It's also actually nice to see they are looking at mothers as potential abductors as well as fathers. When I worked for immigration they tended to concentrate on fathers travelling alone.

What are people supposed to do if there isn't another parent available to give permission? Dead/not involved etc?

I think being able to prove that you are the child's parent/guardian should be enough and it shouldn't be dependant on having the same last name.

I have the same last name as many of my nieces and nephews but don't share a name with my son.

Kat, it is in some countries, if both parents are not traveling together they have the right to request proof that the other parent knows they are entering the country.

It is because of the number of parents who see leaving the country as a way to get a child away from a parent. It is not sexist mothers and fathers can be asked. Not many countries wish to get embroilled in legal battles to recover children.

This is why it is a permission thing, not to patronise anyone but to ensure you are not removing someones child from them.

Every time someone mentions changing names so they end up different to their dc I tell them this can happen people rarely believe me.

It is a simple matter to carry birth certificates and any change of name deeds along with your passports isn't it?

YABU

If it was the other parent trying to take the child out of the country without permission presumably you would want them to do their job?

This is the site we used when we were making out our letters.

There are provisions when the parent has sole custody, other parent is deceased etc.

YABU - if someone had abducted your child and were trying to take them out of the country, you'd be pretty grateful to any official who stopped them.

Isn;t it pretty well known if you're travlling with a child with a differnt surname or wihtout on eparent that you might be asked for permission from the other parent?

Why, exactly, are you so cross op?
You were stopped and asked a few questions, given advice for future reference, and allowed to travel.
If you had been taken to a room, interrogated and searched, I could understand your fury, but really, a few questions to answer? You must have a short fuse.

I am usually pretty gobby but am always amazed when people argue/get arsey with passport control.

Am all meak and mild and answer the questions and get out of there ASAP. I hate that "limbo" bit where you are not really in any country.

YAB very U.

Are you not bothered about child abduction?

It's his job to question this kind of thing. Are you very stressed about something else? You sound very angry...

Oh, and by the way, it's not a great idea to tussle with immigration and customs. They have much more power than the police.

YABU but to be fair there are a lot of jumped up arses in passport control who inflame situations.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you are upset about what happened, I would be the same, but at the end of the day the guy was just doing his job to prevent abducted children being taken out of the country.

The passport control guy asked how he could be sure that your son was yours? Obviously you can produce the birth certificate to prove that you are the childs mother. Plus you have his passport which surely when scanned shows something on the screen which links your passport to his.

But that doesn't neccasarily prove that you have permission to take the child out of the country.
I do wonder about this situation where they ask for a letter from the other parent to give permission for the child to be out of the country.
If you are travelling with your child and your childs father has died what would happen? If you are not in contact with your childs father and cannot produce a letter from him, what would happen? Would they prevent you from boarding the plane? What if you said that your dh/partner was deceased would they demand that you produce a death certificate?

I'm all for the passport control people doing their job and checking these situations incase of abducted children. Like others have said if a child was abducted there would be an outcry that someone hadn't checked properly. But at the same time there are bound to be situations where a permission letter cannot be produced, so what happens then? If the OP was unable to provide a letter in future would she never be able to take her child out of the country again?

I'd be damned if I'm carrying a permission letter from my dh that I can take my own children overseas. I have never been asked to prove I am their mother, but I think I'll carry their birth certificates in future, just in case. If not I think a letter from the father that they are aware that the child is going overseas with their mother should be fine too I expect. Permission letters are ridiculous, it's like being back at primary school. So YANBU.

I think it's a really tough problem, and I don't think that it's to stop parents snatching their children - after all they could all have the same surnames in that case. I am divorced and re-married and my DS1 has my ex's surname. I would never ask for a letter of permission to take him out of the country, but as I've remarried and my passport is in my new married name, I would take a train of proof paperwork - a (certified) copy of his BC and a copy of my marriage cert, and also a copy of my original marriage cert as my new marriage cert shows my maiden name, not my first married name. I would also take my old, voided passport in the same name as my DS. That way I've got plenty of info to prove he's mine.

My parents took him abroad a couple of years ago and were questioned on return - as was he (age 3!). I was happy with this as I appreciate their concern, but they were really worried as we'd not thought about taking proof of their rights to have him.

On another note, I'm guessing you're more irritated by their attitude at the border than anything else and on this point I feel you are not being at all unreasonable. They are frequently little Hitlers, people with a boring job but who have an enormous amount of power. Don't mess with them... just do what they say otherwise you could be in a real pickle. I hate it with a vengeance but what can you do...

My two children have a different sur name to me, and I have never once been asked this!

I can second Canada - I am Canadian and was actually briefly detained with my DD for not having a letter. The only thing that got me off was the fact my husband was flying in three days later. A lot of countries require a letter and it is worth checking before.

And should also point out it is not a surname question: even if you shared a surname travelling alone would be enough to raise eyebrows.

A hassle!

kat, it is required regardless of the surname. The fact that the policy is not always implemented can be seen in one of two ways 1) that its a crap system because its not always checked) or 2) its a good system which unfortunately is not adopted across the board.

And again, some countries are pickier than others.
Which is just a reflection of how countries operate differently.

Maggie, maybe like me you don't need documentary proof to show that they are your children. In my case all they have to do is look at me and my two daughters and it's obvious .

I think there are two issues here:

1. That you are the parent
2. That you're not spiriting them away from the other parent

A birth certificate covers point 1, and a letter from the other parent covers point 2.