to want to spend Christmas day with DH and DS in our own home?

[Bambinoloveseggbirds]

I know I won't be the first or last to post this type of question. We have gone to MiL's house (SiL and her family go too) for the past 4 years and I'm sick of it - apart from always feeling like I can't relax, I know they will totally hog my DS and I won't get a look in. I want to spend Christmas with my own family in my own home. This is our first Christmas with DS, as a married couple and the first in our new house so AIBU to want to spend Christmas at home? I said to DH perhaps they could come over for breakfast to see DS then leave us to it, but he thinks they'll kick off if we don't go to them.

yanbu. Just invite them to yours.

I think that if this is your first year with your DS and DH in your new home then it is a good time to change the tradition.

What time to they have their Christms dinner? Could you visit them before dinner, exchange presents, have a quick drink & mincepie then spend the rest of the day at yours? Or maybe you could invite them over in the evening or something?

Agree with diddl - a lot of the stress is caused by a) a long drive and b) you end up staying a lot longer with people than either of you would necessarily like. For me, there is also the problem that I like a bit of church at Xmas, ie I want to go to midnight mass, as it really puts me in the right mood. I don't see why that's a problem, but apparently it is for SIL and her dh. I know in advance they will then spend the next 2 or 3 days carping about all things religious, being evangelical atheists themselves. I also get stick about not doing it every year, but I have some family left to visit myself and reckon it's fair to share. I'd love everyone to come to me, but I know I would struggle to accommodate everyone and am resigned. But this is what you get with families: you may love them, but you don't choose to live with them. It's a matter of surviving. I aim to do inlaw Xmas once every 3 years and think this is fine. YANBU.

Read a few more on this thread and agree that it'll be a shame when the option's no longer there. On the other hand, I also agree about the starting of new traditions. My childhood Xmases were very religious, we did the stockings thing and didn't open our presents till after the Queen's speech. Totally incompatible with utterly irreligious wall-of-presents, some on the bed in the morning and stockings don't compute tradition of IL household. All our families live MILES apart, though mostly in the same country so it could be worse. My parents would have loved to have us for Xmas, but didn't want to add to stress so didn't make that big a deal of it and I always felt they lost out. Now I have dd, I don't want us to - but she likes to have other kids to play with and that often means going away. You have a baby, which is perfect for staying at home nice and quiet IMO! He might prefer to go away other years, cross that bridge then. Important thing is to ensure lots of contact it doesn't have to be on One Particular Day every year.

Perfectly reasonable This Christmas will be our first as a family (little man due in two weeks) and we have said to both sets of parents that we intend to spend it just the three of us.

I hope you get the Christmas you want and have a fantastic day

We are going to offer several choices. Xmas eve, xmas morning or boxing day. I suspect that, after they have kicked off about us wanting to spend Xmas day alone, that they might - begrudgingly - pop round on Xmas morning - that'll be after they have said that we should go there xmas morning instead, and will no doubt spend the whole time digging at me, but this is a small price to pay for the Christmas I want. They have always done Christmas the same and do not want it to be any different. I think the point is that MiL and SiL expect everyone else to spend Christmas away from home whilst they refuse point blank to do the same.

I really can't be faffed with it all. I go back to work soon and am stressing about leaving DS so I have a lot on my mind as it is.It's getting to the point where I feel like just saying, we are doing XYZ this year and not offering any compromise. It's been like this since DS was born - they piss me off, I stew on it and get angry and frustrated, Dh and I row over it - they probably don't give it a second thought.

Bambino I don't think you should put up with any digs towards your parenting without calling them on it.

Also as I said in our post, our "Christmas" really does last a week in an effort to fit everyone in (and be fitted in!). People focus quite a lot on Christmas Day when it really is a lot easier to extend it (and also this means you get to eat and drink waaaaaay too much for a longer period and then require New Year's week to sleep it off ).

Good luck bambino and let us know what ILs say.

YANBU to want christmas at home with your family. Since having DCs i have been reluctant to travel. My ILs live in the same town so we usually pop to see them in the afternoon or they come to us in the morning. I always invite my parents for the day (they live an hours drive away) but I am not offended if they would rather stay at home. My mum always invites us over the weekend before christmas for a full dinner with my siblings too so she gets the big family christmas too.

maria that was me you were referring to with your comment. I didn't word it well enough obviously. what i meant was that people should be able to be alone with immediate family in their own homes, without the stress of hosting a family dinner for extended family. I didn't say don't see any family atall on Christmas Day' I just meant that there's nothing wrong with wanting to have dinner in your own home at your own pace with your DC without having loads of family over for the whole day. A compromise can be made that they only visit for an hour or two the day before, christmas day or boxing day etc.

Well I hope that, 20 years down the line, when your DS refuses to see you at Christmas because he is with his "new family now" that you will be OK with that because I think Christmas is precisely for families and making your old parents happy, even if it's not what you necessarily want to do. It's ONE day of the year.

we are up in hull for xmas as it will unfair not to go up there we were on our own last year as i was heavily pregnant and @ mym ums the year before.
it is stressing me out as i find his family stressful @ xmas we are staying in a hotel 2. will be a 6 hour drive on the 23rd then coming back the 29th. there will be 2 parties on on boxing day and one on 28th. i definetly find it more stressful with the kids one is 4 years old and the other only 9 mnths.
i am going with it dh would be so upset if we didnt go then i know that next year we will be in our own house

Branflake, we are not "refusing" to see anyone. We want our first Christmas day with DS in our own home. They will not come to us so we will do it alone. Simple as that. And yes, I hope I will bring my DS up to put his wife and children before me. That is how it should be.

When my son is married and has children I will expect him to be spending xmas with his wife and kids. I definitely wouldn't expect him to travel to see me. If he invites me to go for xmas I might if it's convenient (some people do seem to forget grandparents can have lives of their own and not be desperate for visits/ being visited)
As you say it is just 1 day though, and because of that if I don't see my adult children or grandchildren on xmas day I won't be having a hissy fit. Husband and I will have a quiet xmas together and go for a long walk and enjoy a champagne dinner for 2, or spend xmas with friends.
I'd hope to see the children and grandchildren some time after xmas to see the toys/ have a chat etc.

since having our children we have Christmas round at ours even though my in laws would much prefer to have it at theirs because they are total stay at homes, their house is bigger etc.

YANBU to want Christmas in your own home, however I think YAB a little U to only invite them for the morning and then want them to leave.

Put the ball in their court by inviting them round for the day. If they say no then you can tell them that you are not planning to go anywhere and will therefore see them after Christmas.

Hi diddle - you ask what happens in my family for Christmas. Different things every year really - 2 sons and dils and GC live reasonably near and 1 son and dil andGC live a few hundred miles away. Middle son has the biggest house so he and his wife "do" christmas and invite us, and any other close relatives who want to join in. Sometimes this means both of my other sons and their families, sometimes just one of them, together with my dil's close family and it works well, though I suspect the hosts are a bit knackered after it all. I do a meal (or two) sometime over christmas, again for whichever of close family want to come. If we haven't seen the son and family who live a good distance away, we will visit them, but only for 2/3 days.

I don't want to sound like "goody 2 shoes" but I do honestly say to all of them every year that everyone must do as they want to do because there is just far too much fuss over Christmas. I do love to see my GC of course over Christmas and would be very upset if this didn't happen, but that's never been an issue.

When my kids were growing up we had my parents every Christmas day and went to the ILs on boxing day, which I actually enjoyed more, as I didn't have to cook! After my parents died and my kids had their own homes we started to spend christmas's with them and the ILs were getting old and we just used to visit them sometime over Christmas. It wasn't until my MIL was in her 80s that she told me how she had so desperately wanted to spend christmas day with us all, (and to her credit she had never told me this at the time) and this had never crossed my mind, so I ended up feeling very guilty.

Abubu, for the past 2 years we have said we'd do Christmas at our house and even boxing day and it has been met with no. MiL wants to control the whole thing as she has always done and that is the bottom line I'm afraid.

I actually find going to my MIL far less stressfull than going to my parents!!! ( I love going to my parents for Christmas but it IS stressful!)

We nearly missed out on doing anything this year (we are between homes in a hideous rented place that we really don't want to be in for christmas) as we were waiting for an invite from the MIL and she was waiting to see if we wanted to come, so as not to pressure us!

to me people still go on so so much about its christmas and you have to extend yourself in many direction and so many miles apart.

as i said before i enjoy my dd (24)and her children many weekends and sunday lunches etc.....

so i fully appreciate she wants to be the mum
in her own right , and cook the dinner etc....meake her memories with her children,

we do invite her here but im not the ruler of xmas day and i love her enough to appreciate her and her family anyday of the week not just that 1 day of the year

someone on here said "it may be the last xmas day you spend together" does this mean you only see those poor old relatives one day a year

i see my dd most sundays or if not for a few months we arrange a meal out as a family, since she has had her children i know her life with her family comes first

but as i dont hassle her and try to control her christmas , she appreciates this and wants to spend time with me,

bambino i agree with you very much, you can have dinner there anytime so christmas day is reserved for your family unit.

to those who say what are you going to do if your DS/DD in 20 years time has his/her own family and doesn't want you over for Christmas dinner. I honestly would not be offended, and I genuinely mean that. I'd call to ask if they're having a nice time, but I'd only visit if I was asked to. I respect that he and his wife and children (if he chooses to go down that route!) will have their own ways as a family and may or may not want extended family around on Christmas Day. There are loads of other days in the year we can spend time together.

bambino just see your family on another day in the christmas/new year holiday, would be my best advice. if they aren't willing to meet half way or compromise and can't see your reasoning try not to get upset over their attitude.

I agree with branflake. Xmas is about family - parents as well as Kids. Children love to see grandparents and they love to see their grandchildren - ALL DAY.

I really don't get the 'I just want it to be us' mentality. I love seeing my parents faces on xmas morning as they watch dd open her presents. I love having other people around to help cook, clean up, entertain dd when I've eaten too much. I'm smiling now at the prospect of seeing both sets of parents, brother in law and my best friend (a single parent with no family)and her daughter for the whole day. They can sleep on the sofa if they want to stay on xmas eve and we make an extra big table with bits of garden furniture to accomodate everyone. It's fantastic

I dont think you are being unreasonable, that first year is very precious. I would have felt the same. Although now my DD is 22 months and demanding and am happy for all the help I can get

I dont think its unreasonable to ask for this first christmas (as a one off) to yourselves, and go over for the morning instead.

I think all too often people dont get to spend the day with the people that they actually want to. As long as you are not leaving anyone by themselves then i think you have right to a family year occassionally.

We move in to a new house in the first week in December. It was partly selected because of having a big enough kitchen to seat everyone for chrismtas around the dining tables (both mine and my DH's family). However, MIL wants christmas at hers. She loves to host.

I thought I would be put out but I dont mind too much. This time last year (DD's first christmas) I would have cried.

I think people are forgetting how emotional that first year is.

Haven't read the whole thread, but after years of trailing around the countryside pleasing everyone, we are finally staying at home this Christmas! DD is 3 and I'm 20 weeks pg. Have told family that they are welcome to visit (and stay all day if they want) but we'll not be taking DD away from her toys. Christmas should be for the children IMO as it was in my house when we were kids.

Is he a man or a mouse? You and your children come first now, not hisparents, quite reasonable to want to spend Christmas in your own home with your own family.