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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to spend Christmas day with DH and DS in our own home?

131 replies

Bambinoloveseggbirds · 30/10/2009 19:56

I know I won't be the first or last to post this type of question. We have gone to MiL's house (SiL and her family go too) for the past 4 years and I'm sick of it - apart from always feeling like I can't relax, I know they will totally hog my DS and I won't get a look in. I want to spend Christmas with my own family in my own home. This is our first Christmas with DS, as a married couple and the first in our new house so AIBU to want to spend Christmas at home? I said to DH perhaps they could come over for breakfast to see DS then leave us to it, but he thinks they'll kick off if we don't go to them.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 31/10/2009 17:41

Once we had our first DC, we said come to ours - in-laws and my mother alternated, then we would try and see the other one at some point too.

Now the DC are a bit older, they are not a bit bothered about seeing them over Christmas

Tell your DH to get a backbone and invite them over (whenever suits them) because you would all like to have Christmas Day in your own house!

lovechoc · 31/10/2009 18:31

OP, we have been having Christmas day to ourselves for the past three years and it's bliss. I don't care about offending all the other relatives (PIL and my parents). We have our dinner at home, have a relaxing day together.DS plays with his toys, we can have a drink together at night when DS is in bed. It's pure bliss.

We may sound odd, as most people do cram themselves into another relative's home on Christmas Day for the celebrations but we are happier being athome on our own. We have no objections with family stopping by briefly to see DS, but we have no intentions of hosting a dinner for them or going to their house for christmas dinner. Ugh, too much hassle!!

YA definately definately definately!!!! NBU.

pigsinmud · 31/10/2009 18:32

Do what you want. YANBU,

I don't get this "but he (dh) is your mil's child" - well, yes he is, but he's also grown up with his own family.

When my 4 are grown up I'd like to see them at some point over the Christmas period , but I'd also like them to enjoy their own family Christmas - I will not harrass them in to coming every other Christmas day.

An extended family christmas is all very well, but if you don't get on the stress can be unbelievable.

pigsinmud · 31/10/2009 18:32

Do what you want. YANBU,

I don't get this "but he (dh) is your mil's child" - well, yes he is, but he's also grown up with his own family.

When my 4 are grown up I'd like to see them at some point over the Christmas period , but I'd also like them to enjoy their own family Christmas - I will not harrass them in to coming every other Christmas day.

An extended family christmas is all very well, but if you don't get on the stress can be unbelievable.

lovechoc · 31/10/2009 18:41

Another point to add actually is that hosting a dinner party is exhausting for some people (myself included!) and so if you have loads of relatives over you can't really relax if you are pandering to them all afternoon, you will exhaust yourself with all the dinner prep and drinks. means you will spend less time enjoying your DS and watching him play with his new toys.

sunmonkey · 31/10/2009 19:23

I completely understand you wanting to have xmas in your own home with your DS and DH. You've always gone to them, they should not make you feel guilty, there are plenty of other days around Xmas that they can see them. Hope you don't give in to your MIL and have a nice, relaxing Xmas that you deserve! I too have a DS and as much as would like to see him over Xmas when he's an adult, will let him decide what he wants to do - whatever makes him happy. I can understand what you're saying too when you say 'my parents do their own thing' as in 'NO PRESSURE OR GUILT TRIPS' which is how it should be!

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 31/10/2009 19:30

Had a chat with DH over dinner and told him that I definitely want Christmas to be just us this year. He said he wants that too and will tell his mum in due course So I will leave him to do that - I trust that he won't do it at the last minute though. My mind is made up now and I am getting really excited about our first Christmas as a family. Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:
diddl · 31/10/2009 19:30

Do what you want!

When you were young, did you have GPs visiting you every Christmas Day?

sunmonkey · 31/10/2009 19:31

Good for you

lovechoc · 31/10/2009 19:34

well done at talking round your DH and making him see sense. the thing is, other relatives like to guilt trip you into seeing it from their POV, just forget them be selfish and think of your own immediate family. Good luck with Christmas this year, it will be a very happy stress-free one, can talk from personal experience.

mrsboogie · 31/10/2009 19:36

Glad to see you have decided to do what you want! You won't have that many Christmases like this - enjoy it and do not let anyone make you fee guilty. Get the message out there now and do not back down!

Comfortableshoes · 31/10/2009 19:41

Suggest to DH that you see his family on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day - and start that off as a tradition. OR - if his family are nearby see them mid morning for coffee or (drinks)for tea.....
Personally I'd go for the first option or go abroad. (We did Xmas abroad a few years ago and it was great- actually it was my honeymoon!)

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 31/10/2009 19:47

Have done Comfortableshoes . I said to DH that they are welcome to come over on Christmas morning to see DS open their presents, or boxing day. They are only about 20 mins away.

My mum and dad go abroad for Christmas every year and love it.

OP posts:
feralgirl · 31/10/2009 19:51

Sensible OP for getting it sorted now thereby avoiding additional stress closer to the time.

I am quite surprised that so few people seem to spend Christmas with their extended families though. We always see both sides of our family on Christmas day (DH tends to eat 2 turkey meals )

I do tend to keep the time I spend with the ILs brief though; the terrifying consumerism makes me feel a bit sick after an hour or so!

lovechoc · 31/10/2009 20:04

feralgirl I think it's more the point that people don't want the added stress of having to go out to relatives houses on Christmas day or have to entertain them at their own house, that's the issue. I have nothing against seeing relatives the day after (boxing day) or even Christmas Eve, but I do want to do what I want on Christmas Day and that is have a stress-free relaxing day with DS and DH. Am sure there are others who just cherish this day all to themselves too, just immediate family only.

lizziemun · 31/10/2009 20:12

YANBU.

We have christmas day at home, mum comes but she lives around the corner.

We open presents when dc want to eat when we want and do what we want when we want to = no stress,

Boxing day we go to DH parent and so stressful even DH does't even enjoy going.

We have to be their at 1pm (no ealier). Dinner between 2 & 4pm and dc are expected to sit at the table all that time (DC are 5yrs, 2yrs and 9mths) then dishes have to be done then the presents which have been staring in dc face for the last 4 hours can at last be opened. Along side this we have the constant sniping at/about dh.

Luckly for us as ds is so young we will be able to go home by 7pm.

diddl · 31/10/2009 20:19

I think one of the "problems" now is that families are so fragmented.

People can´t pop in just for half an hour or just for lunch,they have to stay the whole day/weekend whatever.

neenz · 31/10/2009 20:46

Bambino, great compromise asking them over on Xmas morning. Christmas is for family but you are accommodating them while still doing what you want.

Stick to your guns!

disneystar1 · 31/10/2009 22:33

i have a dd of 23 with her own 2 children , i also still have 4 young boys at home, i do not and would not expect her to either come to me or us go to them on christmas day or boxing day
its her life her choice and her family no pressure ever
she knows shes welcome whenever she wants, but i repect she has her own life to lead and make her own memories with her own family

and its one day i dont just enjoy one measly day with her and my gc, i can enjoy and day have a lovely meal and the children all play together
people make too much a fuss these days, sometimes just to ge there own way and cos they can, and have been allowed to over the years

stay at home with your own family .

bibbitybobbitycat · 31/10/2009 23:12

It can be a right royal pita, Christmas, but surely you spend most of the other 365 days a year just at home in your own little nuclear family?

When you hear the saying "Christmas is for families" surely this means the in laws and the old people and the people who are on their own for 99% of the rest of the year?

2rebecca · 31/10/2009 23:31

Very little of it seems to be about people on their own though. Most of these older relatives seem to have spouses, plus I agree it seems odd to make such a big deal about seeing relies at Christmas rather than the week after.
Mine are some distance and as I usually work Christmas eve we rarely travel for Christmas as it would mean spending 8 hours of Christmas day in the car.
I like to have a relaxing Christmas eve and enjoy Christmas day with the children if I have them. Asd a mum who often doesn't see her kids on Christmas day I find grandparents insisting on seeing grandkids on Christmas day OTT and controling.
Kids aren't really interested in relatives on Christmas day, they just want to play with presents. A few days later they have calmed down and are more sociable. Also agree long sit down meals not toddler friendly.
I also like to start the day with a bucks fizz so have no desireto drive anywhere on Christmas day.
Usally end up seeing my relatives mid Jan when the roads are quieter and I can get time off work.

BicycleBelle · 31/10/2009 23:32

Lizzie mum - us too! My parents have a whole rule book about what is expected and when. They think we spoil our kids (i.e. listen to them, speak to them and love them) we think they are obsessed with timings and rituals, such as "no presents until after Queen's speech". That's why we don't visit them anymore, let alone at Christmas. OP - do it your way, now, or you will be stuck in the same pattern for years to come.

tinkisthrillerthrillernight · 01/11/2009 10:06

the problem we have is that dhs parents are 6 hours away and we havent spent xmas up there for a good 3 years.
dont think we can get out of it.
i suffer from anxiety - dh took dd1 up by himself last week.
i found his parents house so stressful
this year @ xmas will also be staying in a hotel.
wish we could stay here and realax
we were he last year as i was heavily pregannt and we will be here next year
kind of hoping someone comes down with something so we end up here

luckypumpkin74 · 01/11/2009 10:38

same problem here too. DH has big family, there's 8 adults and 10 kids aged between 9 mths and 16 yrs and in the 10 years I have been with DH we have always all done it together. It's so hectic and dinner is a nightmare with so many people, and such a variety of ages. Last week I boldly suggested to MIL and one SIL that we all have dinner etc in our own homes and meet up last afternoon/early eve for pressies and drinks/snacks. It went down suprisingly well, and they checked with other SIL who seemed OK with it too. Then last night after Halloween party at our house MIL got the hump and looked at me and said 'When DH was 14 he said to me "Mum, I don't care who I marry, I will ALWAYS come home for Christmas", then she just glared at me. He was 14 FFS!!!!!!!!!

I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I feel the same as OP and want to just spend it at my house with my DH and my DDs aged 18 mths and 3.5yrs.

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/11/2009 10:54

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