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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to spend Christmas day with DH and DS in our own home?

131 replies

Bambinoloveseggbirds · 30/10/2009 19:56

I know I won't be the first or last to post this type of question. We have gone to MiL's house (SiL and her family go too) for the past 4 years and I'm sick of it - apart from always feeling like I can't relax, I know they will totally hog my DS and I won't get a look in. I want to spend Christmas with my own family in my own home. This is our first Christmas with DS, as a married couple and the first in our new house so AIBU to want to spend Christmas at home? I said to DH perhaps they could come over for breakfast to see DS then leave us to it, but he thinks they'll kick off if we don't go to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 30/10/2009 20:48

Thanks everyone. Being a lapsed catholic, I always feel guilty about everything and end up going along with stuff to make everyone else happy. She bloody ruined my first birthday with DS already this year - turned up and stayed all day. Sod it, they can come for boxing day or stay at her house and slag us off.

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 30/10/2009 20:52

that's the spirit Bambino! Good luck with it all and you know where to come for a moan if it all gets too much!

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 30/10/2009 20:54

Thanks lilo. I can get all excited about Christmas now. DH, meanwhile, is shatting himself.

OP posts:
fishie · 30/10/2009 20:57

bambino that is so sad "My parents never bother us to do anything family-ish with them and have always been happy to do their own thing and vice versa"

at what point do you think your own ds will be thinking like that then?

AlaskaNebraska · 30/10/2009 20:58

i feel for all teh ILS of the world.

SquIDGEyeyeballs · 30/10/2009 21:02

YANBU at all.

Your in laws now have to accept that their little boy is now a husband and father and will be wanting to spend Christmas with his new family.

Stand firm!

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 30/10/2009 21:02

It's not sad to us Fishie. We do stuff together with my parents and get on really well, like we are all going out for dinner before Christmas, but we do stuff apart too. It works. There is none of the pressure I get from MiL, who doesn't let her DCs have their own life. That's sad IMO.

OP posts:
Lonicera · 30/10/2009 21:11

We always spend christmas at home. Sometimes family come and stay and sometimes we spend it alone.

missmapp · 30/10/2009 21:29

We had christmas in our own home for the first time last year and it was great, i think the best bit was enjoying xmas eve instead of being stuck somewhere on the M4! we went to parents and inlaws between xmas and new year and everyone was happy, I was able to relax far more at my inlaws because i had had 'my' xmas with the dc's so was quite happy to let MIL take over. We are doing the same this year and dont feel we are letting anyone down at all

bigsquirtybloodylips · 30/10/2009 21:33

we've always had Xmas here at my house with either my mum and bro or sp's dad and sister, but last year it was just me and my family..it was soooooo relaxing as not having to stress over other people. They came alot later or boxing day.

SolidGhoulBrass · 30/10/2009 21:43

I have always gone to my parents for Xmas because I have never lived anywhere big enough to host Xmas. DS dad goes to his parents and usually DS and I see the paternal GPs either Boxing Day or Xmas Eve, though last year we did actually spend Xmas day with them as it was sort of their turn and it was a little strange to me (OK, first Xmas Day in, er, 44 years not spent with my mum and dad) but DS enjoyed it and it was pleasant all round.
Have no idea what is happening this year, no one has said anything yet and I am basically not bothered as to where we go.

WinkyWinkola · 30/10/2009 21:51

I don't know why grown ups aren't allowed to spend Christmas exactly as they please without relatives getting on at them for it.

I've got a brother like this who gives everyone a hard time for i. not deciding in June what they're doing for Christmas and ii. perhaps not wanting to spend it with wider family.

Sometimes it's just nice to do things another way. It's not a crime. And frankly, to spend Christmas with someone who would otherwise get in a strop if you didn't is hardly going to be fun, is it?

Maria2007loveshersleep · 30/10/2009 23:24

WinkyWinkola: 'relatives getting on at them for it'? 'to spend Christmas exactly as they please'? Eeeeerrrrr, maybe because Christmas is about family & because the poor ILs want to spend Christmas with their family i.e. their son & not feel exclused? I'm saying this as a mother, I hope my son & his future partner might hopefully want to spend at least some Christmases with us, either at their home, ours etc. Assuming the relationship with the ILs / parents is good, they are not just some relatives, they are parents for god's sake. It's not about us versus them, it's family.

(And btw I say all this as someone wwho has family in another country & has to travel every bloody Christmas / Easter / Summer to spend holidays with them & would love Christmas at my own home for once. But for me Christmas is for family- and by that I don't mean just my small nuclear family, I mean my parents too, my MIL, BIL, SIL etc.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/10/2009 23:29

The difficulty comes of course when the grown ups' choices are incompatible. In that case, one set can't spend it "exactly as they choose" can they?

I too try to remember that as well as being parents, we have parents.

AlaskaNebraska · 30/10/2009 23:31

its like when an old person dies at home adn everyeone says " oh isnt it sad - especially at xmas"

yes cos you lot arent visiting them

jellybeans · 30/10/2009 23:57

YANBU We spend Xmas as a family and see family for short periods or Xmas Eve/Boxing day. /too stressful otherwise. Life is short, who knows how long we are here for, do what makes you happy!!

WinkyWinkola · 31/10/2009 11:06

Maria, every single Christmas every year has to be spent with other people in the family?

I think that's extremely unreasonable.

The op has been with their extended family for the last four years. They're perfectly entitled to have a Christmas by themselves. And they're hardly excluding the ils because they can come over on Boxing Day.

kittycatty · 31/10/2009 15:23

What about parents AND inlaws?

If they dont get on you have to not be with one set of parents christmas day!

Every year my brother spends christmas day with his inlaws (because his mother inlaw would get very upset otherwise ) so this means he hasnt spent christmas day with our parents for the last 12 years. Our parents are upset by this but dont say anything because they know it would cause problems for him and his wife.

Original poster
Bambinoloveseggbirds · 31/10/2009 15:29

Thanks Winky!!

We intend to offer boxing day but have a sneaking suspicion that she will say no. I offered to host Christmas day last year but MiL said no - she uses her "bigger house" as an excuse to get everyone there, but the fact is she wants to play mother hen EVERY year at her home. 4 fecking years we've gone to her - I just want to enjoy Christmas this year with DS and DH and not feel uncomfortable in somebody else's house.

OP posts:
MillyMaisMummy · 31/10/2009 16:07

If i were in your shoes id ask both families to come over to yours to celebrate crimbo and to all bring dishes of food to help out. Even though my in-laws dont celebrate crimbo and go away for it, i get stuck with my mum every year because my bros dont bother inviting mum to theirs.i know it sounds bad but mums dominating an relies on me to do everything-even when i was a kid.There is 17 and 15 years age gap between me and my brothers and im the one mum always relies on.Dont get me wrong, its nice sometimes but it can wear me out at other times. When i get a bigger place i'll and invite everyone over!

mel2005 · 31/10/2009 16:36

we have my family christmas eve and in laws on boxing day. i love having christmas at home with the kids without running around making cups of tea etc for people i dont like much (in-laws). i get alot of pressure from DH about in laws coming around but i am staying firm as once it starts it will be hard to stop. MIL just wants someone to cook for her as they usually has microwaved xmas dinner for all five of them. my BIL has the same rule as the in laws are just too stressful and miserable. my family come around on christmas eve and still have a massive get together and meal on christmas day as i am the only one with children.if we visit them on christmas day we would have to go to the inlaws and they day would be gone before we knew it and i would never have time to cook the dinner.

family3 · 31/10/2009 16:54

After being made to feel guilty for years, and going to my parents for the day or them coming to us plucked up the courage this year and told then we want to have xmas on our own at our house, and it was fine! now can't wait looking forward to relaxed day not trying to please every one!

RTKangaMummy · 31/10/2009 17:17

Last year we went to the Maldives for Christmas and New Year and it was deffo brill ~ it was the first christmas that we had spent DH Kangaboy and me

It was weird but we really enjoyed the non stress of it all

We always have Boxing day alone as we call it lego and PJs day

Kangaboy gets to build his new lego and we stay in PJs

Although his lego sets now take about a week to build as they have over 2,000 pieces in them.

I think you should deffo have the day to yourselves with DS and toys in your new house

pranma · 31/10/2009 17:19

It is horrible not to see the children at Christmas if you have children in your immediate family.My lot and us always manage to arrange it that we are with some of them on Christmas day.This year we are going to dss and family last tear dd,dss and thir families came to us.It matters ladies-it hurts to be left out.

tinkisthrillerthrillernight · 31/10/2009 17:24

we alternate each year with both of our families.
my family are 45 mins away his family are 6 hours away in hull.
we are going there this year . we have 2 dds one is only 9 mnhts the other is 4 years old.
i hate going up there for xmas it is so stressful this year we are in a hotle 2 as noone has any room.
i know they want to see the dds - we havent been up for xmas since older one was 15 mnths. we dont see them that much anyway.
his mum always has lots of busy things going on party after party
last year i was heavily pregnant so had xmas @ our house with family.

tell them they can come to you