to want to spend Christmas day with DH and DS in our own home?

[Bambinoloveseggbirds]

I know I won't be the first or last to post this type of question. We have gone to MiL's house (SiL and her family go too) for the past 4 years and I'm sick of it - apart from always feeling like I can't relax, I know they will totally hog my DS and I won't get a look in. I want to spend Christmas with my own family in my own home. This is our first Christmas with DS, as a married couple and the first in our new house so AIBU to want to spend Christmas at home? I said to DH perhaps they could come over for breakfast to see DS then leave us to it, but he thinks they'll kick off if we don't go to them.

it is a shame that xmas as got so stressful

After an awful visit to MIL in the summer, DH and I agreed to never stay again, unless in hotel (her house is too small, and her lifestyle incompatible with young children.) Took him two months to tell her, two months for her to start talking to us again, but hey presto! No problem re Christmas... ever! My parents live nearby, and are very respectful of our privacy. MIL will visit us briefly (please God) between Xmas and New Year, as she 'always does Christmas' at hers.

well since 1993 we've had to endure my mil on xmas day.since 2005 we've had my mum [which isn't a problem] and my mil on xmas day.this year dh decided he wanted to invite his dad and stepmum as he has never had a xmas day with them.my mum was fine about it is going to spend it with my brother and my aunty and uncle.
my mil on the other hand hasn't spoke to us since dh told her our plans even though we've invited both mums for lunch on boxing day.
we have issues with mil at the moment anyway so not surprised shes not spoke to us.
she is a really miserable person,never got any money which she moans about but won't do anything about it,always something wrong with her and nothing you try to do pleases her.
i've already booked to go away next xmas as it's so bloody stressful

We're not invited to my mum's at Christmas because my cousin and her family go!!! So we always open our presents here and then go to church and then to my in-laws which is great. We stay the night so we can have drinks there and the kids can go to bed. Then boxing day we go to the panto with them and I cook dinner at our house. It wrks great but I would love my parents to want to spend christmas with us - it would be a good dilemma to have!

I'm starting to put my foot down, we have had both sets to ours for Xmas when DS was younger but I've refused to travel for Xmas.

I want Xmas this year in our new home, with our friends in the lovely place we are now lucky enough to live in. Quite frankly i don't think I could deal with either set of parents and all the attendant fuss, arguments, extra expense, food, hassle and headaches it would entail.

We are spending it alone this year - just DH, myself, DS1 and DS2.....and I am really looking forward to it. In the past we have either gone to DH's parents and carted half the house up the M1 for a few hours each way....it has never been relaxing as MIL is always so stressed and makes snidey comments about everyone (us and also SIL's family) not helping enough (which is a bit unfair as we are trying to control/entertain our young families in their small, ornament infested house!!! OR, they have come to us, and there are always complaints about the standard of accommodation (window in room isn't south facing, no ensuite bathroom!!!) and the way we do things......don't get me wrong, we HAVE invited them this year, but they have declined in order to "make a point" as it is supposed to be "their turn" and DH and I are secretly thrilled!!! My advice - do what you want - it is YOUR christmas!!!....at some point in time they have to understand that it is not easy for a family with small children to travel, and if they want to be involved (which is great) they have to be a little bit more relaxed and accepting about how you do things in your own home. Good luck!

Christmas is all about family, and traditions.

How are we supposed to create our own family tradition when the previous generations won't let go so we can grow into our own role as Matriarch/Patriarch?

OP, you have a new house, and naturally want to establish your own family tradition. It's not like you are excluding her from joining you, just wanting to rightly have your own family christmas.

This will be the first year DH/DS and I have been in the UK since he was born.

My mum wants us to be at hers first thing in the morning, i.e stay Christmas Eve at her house, but I know that DH probably would prefer to be in our house, and I also want to have Christmas morning with my DS.

It's my first proper christmas in a proper christmas celebrating place... So I managed her expectations early on!

Next year, I dare say DH will offer to do the Xmas Dinner.. so we can invite my Mum and her DH.

The older generation has to understand that they have their time with the children, but once they are grown and have families of their own, that the new unit comes first. Why should they have it all ways?

YANBU, stick to you guns, they'll get over it in time.

Train as a staff nurse ,then you'll have to work xmas anyway so no need to worry about MIL!! make sure you work rotational shifts though !

mrstimlovejoy I think we have the same MIL!

YANBU - I had the first Christmas with DS in my own home (admittedly with my Dad and MIL there for lunch as well) - DS was only 3 weeks old though so no one had an issue with it!

Do it - there's nothing quite like it and when they're tiny they don't need all the extra excitement of too many people, it can be quite disturbing for them (i.e. he might cry a lot - tell 'em that )

If it's any help I have to spend xmas with my MIL. She is alcoholic so will spend first half of day getting pissed and will spend second half of day crying while we all sit listening to her. I have 4 DC and my DD will be 6 yrs old xmas day. Imagine fun we're goin to have.

We used to get bullied into going to IL before we got married and had dd, now we have it sorted first xmas we were married we wanted our own christmas! Worked a treat!

The last two xmas's I said I didn't think it was fair to drag DD around on xmas day as kids want to spend xmas day at home playing with their toys!! so we open invite my mum comes to us she lives 3hr drive away and hubby and dd went to IL's for breakie mum and me stayed at home but last year they were funny with us so I had to go as well but at least it was out of the way!

We tend to spend boxing day with my family as they are far more chilled so its easier and hubby prefers that too

I would us DS as an excuse like I did invite them for breakfast or for tea in the evening or goto them for one of them but the main bit of the day is for you and your family!

Glitterchick how do you put up with an alcoholic MiL on Christmas day? That must be hard.

I just think there is altogether far too much fuss about Christmas and "who goes where" and families falling out over it. FWIW I think the OP should do what she and her H want to do and not feel pressured by anyone else. However I must take issue with Deaddi "why do inlaws get so het up over Christmas" - erm it's not actually just inlaws that get het up over christmas arrangements but here is another instance of stereotyping inlaws (about the 6th one I've found in the last hour) and I'm just so fed up with it........so do you not think Deaddi that other relatives don't get "het up" over christmas but then that's OK isn't it because they aren't ILs.

Sounds like my idea of hell.

My mum has both my brothers and their partners/kids round, far too crowded etc.

I have only went once years ago then explained that it was just too busy for me and i didn't enjoy it and she was fine about it. I've never had christmas dinner there since.

Im just round the corner from her now and she sometimes comes round for breakfast/watch ds open presents or we're usually seen dashing between each others houses with essential dinner items!

Works for us, she knows it nothing personal and im not in to a lot of fuss. Christmas in your own home with your own immediate family is bliss, you can do everything at your own pace/timing, no pressure.

Just curious, NanaNina, what do you do every year?

nananina has a good point tho, it isn't just the inlaws that complain, we all do it at some point lets face it.
My own mother was complaining today about the arrangements, no one else was offended but her. Can't please everyone (In Laws or otherwise!).
I said stuff it and I'm doing as I please anyway this Christmas and all the others to follow (unless under exceptional circumstances where a family member is at death's door).

Because my family is so large our "Christmas" pretty much starts on about the 23rd and continues all the way through until New Years. People drop in and out and we drop in and out, but I (as does everyone) make a point of being at home on Christmas morning since having DS. Mum always stays with one of us Christmas Eve so she doesn't wake up to an empty house.

It is sad to see how some families can't stand each other. As much as I love my Mum and my Inlaws I am also aware that my DH is watching and learning how to treat his parents when he is the adult.

Yes, Morloth, that's exactly it, it's quite sad to see in how many cases people actually want to avoid their families. For example, someone wrote (don't remember who, sorry): "just forget them be selfish and think of your own immediate family"

I find this kind of attitude very very sad. 'Be selfish & think of your own immediate family'??? Hello? This will be us a few years down the line. I would hate it if my DS & his family thought of me & DP in this way. That doesn't mean I'd assume they would come to us over Xmas. Obviously there can be different arrangements, e.g. as some mentioned, spending the day after or the day before with family, or alternating about who invites who etc. But surely the pleasure of Xmas is cooking a feast for the whole extended family (or being invited to a feast like that). Or is it just me?

Btw, I did love Xmas at our home the 2 times we managed it- my parents came to visit & it was lovely. Much preferred it to having to travel every blooming Christmas. But the idea of just spending it with me, DP & DS is a bit...well, sad to me. Again, that's just how I see it though.

Maria and Morloth, would you be upset if your DCs said they wanted to spend one Christmas in their own homes with immediate family only?

I won't go into details but my MiL and SiL have been out and out shits to me since I had DS - bordering on bullying. They are still DS' extended family which is why I'll offer to host boxing day or they come here Christmas morning. I just want one Christmas with my DH and DS in my house, so I can relax and spend the first Christmas with DS without having to listen to their digs at my parenting all day.

If I was going to be alone that day then yes, as would be the situation with my Mum if we just left her. I couldn't bear the thought of her being left alone on Christmas Day with all the wonderful Christmas Day's she gave me.

It isn't just your post and it isn't just the posts about Christmas Bambino there is a real anti-grandparent vibe to Mumsnet. It would interest me to see what it would be like if the same posters were posting in 30 years.

I believe that our kids learn how to treat us by watching how we treat our parents and grandparents.

All of these "difficult" MILs were young mum's once and probably thought and did the same sort of things that people here seem so intent on doing.

Morloth, if I thought miL would be on her on Xmas day, then of course I would go there - despite our differences. She won't be on her own though, and it is just one Christmas I want on our own this year.

You are right that our DCs will look to us and how we interact with their GPs. I'm fine with my side and Dh gets on very well with them. But I don't think DS seeing me stressed, upset and hearing MiL and Sil did dig dig at his mum every Christmas day, will be in any way somthing to aspire to.

I meant to say "on her own"

No, no, no OP you are not. DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for almost 10 and have only spent Christmas at home once, when I was on call for work. We live in Yorkshire, both set of parents in SW (we have been known to do 2 Christmas dinners on one day more than once, having dashed the 70 miles between mum and MIL). The parents rarely travel, friends never !!!! When challenged they say "...but you moved..." It was 17 years ago!!!!!! This year we have decided not to travel, to stay at home with DS (who will be 16 months) but welcome anyone who wants to visit. I am not expecting to be busy!

I think you might have to put your foot down (and in it) and put new rules in place. You are now a family in your own right, so I think it is totally reasonable to 'reserve' Christmas Day for yourself and divide Christmas Eve and Boxing Day between any relatives wanting their share of your DS... Won't be easy but once they accept the new situation I am sure things are less difficult in years to come.
Mind you, I am one to talk... One set of parents dead, the other living abroad, so we have never had to argue it out.
Good luck though and happy Christmas