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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it wrong to leave my children alone for 5 minutes?

163 replies

MrWrong · 27/10/2009 22:58

This morning I took my 3yr old daughter to her weekly swimming lesson. As it's half term, my 5.5yr old son was with us. We had the pushchair etc as we were going into town after. When I got to the leisure center - late - I realized I'd left her swimming costume at home. We were in a cubicle in the changing room at the time. Panic, what to do? To go back to the house with the pushchair and kids would have taken too long, we were late already. So I asked my son to look after my daughter, stay there and help her get undressed while I ran back to the house to get her swimming bag which was in the hallway. There and back took about five minutes and when I got back they were fine and my daughter was undressed. She got to the lesson a couple of minutes late.

I swore the children to secrecy because I knew my wife wouldn't be happy about me leaving them. But my daughter blabbed and my wife almost burst into tears before storming off saying how upset she was. She made me feel as though I'd stamped on her hamster or something, but all I did was make a judgement call and felt I could trust my children for the few minutes I was away. (We live in a quiet town where a lot of people know each other BTW)

Was it a really terrible thing that I did?

OP posts:
violethill · 28/10/2009 08:07

What stayingscary says.

Yes, there was always a 99% chance it would be ok, but what about that 1% chance it could go wrong? Just not worth the risk.

Why would being a few minutes late for the lesson have been so terrible? You could have taken both kids out to reception, explained the situation, and they might have found a costume to lend you, or at least kept the children in reception while you ran home.

Like others, I think the worst thing here is the swearing to secrecy - it's never a good idea for one parent to put their kids in that position.

Chandon · 28/10/2009 08:21

oh come on, this can´t be real.

All get our knickers in a twist over an obvious wind up!

mamadiva · 28/10/2009 08:35

Yes you did a VERY stupid thing but it does not warrant SS, not this time because your children are safe (no thanks to you) but next time who's to say what could happen?!

Don't try to stop it again just DON'T LET IT!!!

You are supposed to be their father, the one who looks after them, protects them and are there when they need you. Today you did none of those things and what's worst of all you tried to make your children lie about your stupidity and you still don't seem to realise you did anything wrong which is worrying.

Oh and IMO your wife is being lenient on you.

madamearcati · 28/10/2009 08:48

And do weekly classes at a presumably council run leisure centre continue through the half term .Our council always put on holiday courses then .

clemette · 28/10/2009 09:03

Here in Nottingham pre-school classes continue in the school holidays.
I'm not sure why people think this is a wind up. Seems entirely plausible to me. We have all placed our children at risk, this is just a completely idiotic and particularly risky example.
The reaction from some does seem to be verging on the hysterical. If the children were found it would take at least five minutes for staff to look around the changing rooms for dad, by which time he would be back. No time to phone the police! Again I am not defending him, but think some of the responses are a little

gingerbunny · 28/10/2009 09:16

very stupid thing to do. he's 5 and she's 3 fgs. there's an article in our local paper today about some perv who hid in changing rooms waiting to expose himself to children at the wimming pool.
5 and 3 years olds are not responsibile enough and you never know who else is about.

hercules1 · 28/10/2009 09:22

I would consider getting this thread deleted if I were you as it is evidence of your stupidity and as an earlier poster said this example could be used against you in the future.
I am a lax parent but leaving children this age any where near water with no supervision is down right stupid. You were very lucky nothing happened.

hercules1 · 28/10/2009 09:24

Actually I dont see the reactions on this thread as hysteria at all.
3 and 5 year olds are very unpredictable.

Niknak21 · 28/10/2009 09:25

Understandable reaction from your wife, silly man

clemette · 28/10/2009 09:47

Hercules I was thinking divorce, castration, sectioning and referral to SS were all a bit of an over-reaction!

Stayingscarygirl · 28/10/2009 09:49

In fairness to MrWrong, I think that when he said he "...knew (or thought he knew)..." where they were, having left them in a cubicle, he is acknowledging that they might not have stayed where he left them, rather than saying that he didn't know which cubicle they were in.

To me, this sounds genuine. This man did a truly stupid thing on the spur of the moment, and whilst he has been slated for posting on here looking for affirmation of what he did, at least he seems to have taken on board what has been said to him, and realises what he did was wrong. If he hadn't posted here, he could still be sitting at home, thinking that he was in the right and his wife was overreacting.

MrWrong - I hope that you are spending this morning talking to your wife and children, and telling them that you know that what you did was wrong, and that you will be 100x more careful in future. And as others have said, you should be apologising to them all, and making sure they also know that you were utterly wrong to ask the children to keep that secret from their mother.

Perhaps you and their mother also need to discuss with them (at an appropriate time and age) that some secrets are OK (for example, not telling Mummy what you have got her for Christmas), but others aren't.

allaboutme · 28/10/2009 09:51

It does sound like an incredibly stupid thing to do. I'm not surprised your wife went crazy. I would have doen too if DH had done this.
I think its good that you posted. You've learned a really good lesson that your feeling on what is ok to do and what is not is a bit out of kilter.
I'd apologise to your wife A LOT. For leaving the children in the first place, but also very importantly for belittling her anger at what you did.
Make sure you think very carefully in future when making decisions about the kids.
A good rule of thumb is that if you think DW wouldnt like it (and you knew that by asking the kids not to tell!) dont do it!

madamearcati · 28/10/2009 09:55

It is unfair on your 5 yr ols.How was he supposed to cope if the little one kicked off ? How frightened would they have been if you had been unexpectedly detained ?

Sassybeast · 28/10/2009 10:01

If this is for real you are a prat.

Astrid28 · 28/10/2009 10:08

I thought the post was going to be about leaving children to play alone upstairs or something.

YA definately BU, and irresponsible. The fact you had to swear the children to secrecy pretty much says that you know it was wrong.

They're too young for the responsilbility, the floors are slippery, they could wander to the poolside, need the toilet.....the list goes on. Ok I can't think of anything else for my list, but theres enough on it already.

bastardingmen · 28/10/2009 10:10

Are you completely barking???
I have a fairly laid back attitude to parenting, I have a very grown up 8 year old who is a fantastic swimmer, but no way on this earth, would I have left her alone looking after her 2 year old sister near a swimming pool!! Are you seriously mad??

Guimuahahahahahaaaaaaa · 28/10/2009 10:14

Interesting that you feel your dd is "too shy to go off to the lesson by herself", apparently negating the water danger, but she merrily ran away from you in the supermarket.

hercules1 · 28/10/2009 10:46

Oh yes, I agree there, Clemette.

invlanderen · 28/10/2009 11:30

The OP was without doubt in the wrong, and now knows it for sure. But some of the responses here are completely OTT. Suggesting that he would immediately lose access to his children in the event of divorce is shocking. Just what else do we know about the man and his relationship with his children? Not enough to say that! Have any of you done something that might have resulted in an accident, which you averted int he nick of time? We can all do the wrong thing at times.

Mothers and Fathers often have a very different approach to parenting and both need to make their input. IMO fathers tend to encourage independence and risk taking more than mothers and this is valuable to me as a mother as it counteracts overprotectiveness.

currycrazy · 28/10/2009 11:37

i think you know it was wrong,if you didnt have any doubt you wouldntve posted,think you are just looking for someone to say it was ok.whats done is done now and the kids are ok,i just would not be doing it again

Original poster
MrWrong · 28/10/2009 11:53

About the swearing to secrecy: it wasn't like I got down to their level, looked them in the eye and said "ok children, this is serious..." - it was a throwaway remark, more like thinking out loud, kind of "omigod we are so late... can't believe I left that stuff at home... don't mention this to mummy or she'll go nuts... ok are we all set...". Not sure why I wrote "swore to secrecy", maybe to emphasise what I felt (which was a mixture of horror and humour at the way she related it - "daddy did forget my swimming things and he did go back to get them and we stayed there..." - aaagggh!)

The reason I made the original post is that we are all basically trying to do our best for our kids. I didn't think "sod the kids, I'm going outside for a ciggy", I did what I thought was best at the time based on my instincts about how safe it felt. The hamster comment was maybe too light-hearted but what I was trying to get across was that I was made to feel by her (and by most of the people here) like some kind of monster who has deliberately set out to cause harm.

I didn't think then and I don't think now that the proximity to the swimming pool was a risk. There are life guards everywhere and besides I think I know my daughter and running off to the pool in that situation at that time is not the kind of thing she would do. A much bigger risk as someone else pointed out and that I hadn't thought of is that one of them might have wanted to go the loo and then slipped over or something.

We are surrounded by risk all the time, I'm constantly thinking about it. This week I let my daughter eat a whole grape (not cut in half) for the first time. Was that a stupid thing to do? Lots of toddlers die from choking on grapes, I figured she was probably old enough now. Yesterday at the park she fell off the ladder at the slide. I thought she'd passed the stage a long time ago where she could slip on the ladder. Was that stupid, should I have been stood behind her with my arms outstretched just in case? Hundreds of children die in road accidents every year, are car journeys more or less risky than leaving children unattended for a few minutes?

But I accept it was dumb, my instinct was wrong and my wife was right to be angry. Thanks for the feedback even if it made tough reading because I did think she'd overreacted but clearly I was wrong.

OP posts:
AnyGhoulKno · 28/10/2009 12:11

very dignified response. Imagine you won't be doing that again in a hurry.

Stayingscarygirl · 28/10/2009 12:17

I've made mistakes and decisions that were, in retrospect dumb, in the past - the important thing is to learn from them which you have done, MrWrong.

Now - a huge bunch of flowers for your dw, a heartfelt apology and admission that you were in the wrong, and then a patient wait for forgiveness.

SeasideLil · 28/10/2009 12:19

In our local swimming pool, dads are not allowed into the female changing rooms, and girls are not allowed in the male changing rooms. There's actually a huge sign on the door of the female ones saying 'dads do not enter, not even to hurry your child, ask a female member of staff to go instead'. I've complained about this, as has my husband, as this means leaving our nearly six year old to change the four year old if we want them to have swimming lessons (which we do, as we live by the sea). It's not exactly the same situation, as he hovers anxiously outside, but I still feel it's risky for all the same reasons you have identified: little one looking after littler one, slipping, proximity to water. Now we know more people, the other mums look out for them, but the first few weeks were very stressful, as the staff weren't keen to go in to supervise them dressing, probably because they don't want to take that responsibility...

Mr Wrong, you were wrong, I guess if your wife shouts a lot (like I do), it's easy to assume she's always wrong, but on this one she wasn't.

onadietcokebreak · 28/10/2009 12:20

First post and he managed to post in Am I being unreasonable with such a provocative story.....find it all very very hard to believe to be honest.

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