and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

[Astrid28]

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

I'm glad that I'm not the only one missing Xenia.

I don't know why people imagine that children don't bond with working parents properly. It sounds like insecurity or an attempt at affirmation to me. My children love me and are enormously close to me. Closer to me than anyone else. I am sort of sad at approaching teenagerdom and the prospect of them getting a bit more closed. But right now, it's been the same as its always been. We're very close.

I was a blissfully happy SAHM, that is, until exH decided that our marriage was over as he wanted to sow his wild oats. To any SAHM I'd say, try and keep your skills up to date, do some voluntary work, etc, because you never know when you might have to get a job.

I knew what you meant violethill (and thank you)..what a typo to make, though!

Excellent post MORgueOSKY.

I agree that women working outside the home are providing postive role models.

Disclaimer: that does not mean for one moment I think SAHMs aren't providing positive role models, before anyone jumps on that!

PMSL at Quattro's post

You never know Quattro, you might take nutting up as a retirement hobby

I too was thinking about Xenia when I read this thread. She would have enjoyed having her say I think

work because i want to,
because i enjoy it
because i worked damn hard to attain my professional and specialist qualifications
because work is intrinsic to who i am- always will be
because solely being mum isn't enough

because being a mum isn't a giving things up competition.

all this i knit my own tampons
haven't, had a haircut in 6years
eschew handbags
have hairy toes no fripperies like cosmetics
and carry a big ole rugged cross on my back
..all for the children.
is one almighty martyr mum trip

love
attachment
consistency
unconditional regard
all shape parenting -regardless of whether or not parents work

people should do want they want.make your choices.live with them.one choice isn't necessarily better than other

For goodness sake - the average salary for social workers in this country is over £30K a year, and the same for teachers. Those are for professional public sector workers. I should imagine that professionals working in the private sector earn more than that

i don't. the average salary for a graduate in the public sector is actually a grand higher..

the averae 'm/c' household was pinpointed as earning c£40k pa by The Daily Fail.

yes, am also bemused by the mass of posting since this morning.

Suprmother would love that you guys miss her, and that you are talking about her now.

my brother loves that his wife has a great career, and would happily SAH - really, if you don't give a toss about what misguided individuals think, why the hell not?

where does this obsession with having a 'productive' life come from? isn't a happy ne the thing to aim for?

why shouldn't someone hire a cleaner if they prefer to pick nuts instead of cleaning?

and what about 'financial independence??'

in what way is anyone with children financially independent?

i may be the sole income to my household, but in no way can i consider that as independence in anyway shape or form. It's not like i can eff off and do what i want.

'independance' is an illusion IMO.

I've given up FT work for a while.
Found it far to hard to not see 3 year old ds all working week, except for a couple of hours a day.

Love my other career from home, sooo that's good.

But definitely not any of those martyr type things. In fact having a cleaner, or being able to go out and eat lunch or buy something nice makes not being at work all a hell of a lot more enjoyable.

Not all sahms are on martyr mother trips of course.. then that's fairly obvious.

@knackeredoldhag

"into trusts for the children so they can go backpacking around Guatamala to look at poor people when they're 18" is patronising and nasty.

yes. I was rather hoping mine would go to look at poor people in South East Asia. Much safer.

? Or does your responsibility end once they can buy their own booze?

i was rather hoping they'd buy me booze

EdgarAllenPoo,

Hi All,

I've seen this debate from both sides of life. I was a stay at home mum with my first two now 18 and 21. With my son, now 9, I was a single parent of three children and I had to work to survive. I went back to work when he was 6 weeks old and expressed milk in my coffee breaks whilst others ate choccie bikkies.

This went on until a year and a half ago and I met a great bloke and it finally gave me the option to stay at home or go out to work.

I jumped in with both feet, run a business from home and Home Educate my son, imagine the guilt there!!

I loved working and I did well in my work, but i relish being at home, although sometimes I hear myself asking how come in the work place I was listened to and respected whilst at home I'm part of the furniture and who listens to furniture?

My opinion is you do what makes you and your children happy, you do what fits yours and their needs, so if you have to work you are doing your best, if you love to work you are doing your best and if you stay at home you are doing your best, it is what suits you.

Excellent post murphylou. Spot on I think

I'm a SAHM against my will... Redundancy plus bump make it impossible to get another job right now. I resent the view of some 'friends' who think it's a picnic being at home with a lively toddler while suffering nasty SPD with this pregnancy.
Trying to resign myself to enjoying my new existence but finding it quite hard .

Astrid28 Good for you - if it works for you and your DH and DC then who cares what anyone else thinks?!

I thought I would love to be a SAHM but PND struck so hard when DD was about 4 months that I think i was pretty rubbish. I found going back to work (when she was 9 months) for 20 hours a week gave me enough "grown up" time and just enough income to stop the panic attacks whenever a bill arrived (rubbish rural secretary salary!) that it worked nicely and I got my head back together. What balanced it even more neatly for me is that my DH reduced his hours as soon as I started working again and now that DD is 3 we both work 3 and a half days a week (especially now that DD has started nursery three days a week). I fully intend to take a full year off when DC2 is born in February but after that I suspect we'll both carry on with the 3 and a half days a week.

Being a SAHM is certainly NOT the easy option and was just too tough for me much to my regret and disappointment. Well done you... xx

mamamoppel me too-in the same boat.
it's tough even if it's a decision you made as a family and can afford to do it,i feel like my choice was taken away and am not going to work full time for the nett gain of a couple of hundred quid a month which is seemingly all that's on offer at the moment.

ManicMother - I think you're right. Of course it's always nice when people say they love being with their children all the time and are happy with it, but the little pessimist/realist at the back of my mind keeps whispering 'Make sure you can support yourself if DH decides to feck off'. I suppose I've just seen it happen too many times.

edgarallenpoo - i can't answer for anyone else regarding "financial independence", but being aware that it was one of my comments in the dim and distant past of this thread (before it all went snippy) I shall say this:
to me, financial independence is being able to go shopping for food or essential household/child stuff WITHOUT first having to ask DH for the cash. It feels like being given pocket money; and the first time he did it he actually asked for the change (never again mind you ). That felt so demeaning!

So, for me, financial independence is important within the context I have just described - NOT so that I can feck off whenever I like.

However, I also feel that it is a good thing to have some kind of money stored away in case, as in ManicMother7777's situation, the Bad Thing should happen and DH should turn out to be a royal wanker, leaving DS and I to go it alone. This has already happened once to me (albeit with no DC involved, thank goodness) so I aim to be prepared if it ever happens again.

This whole 26 page thread just reminds me that women are their own worst enemies. Scratch beneath the surface and all the old prejudices resurface. I just hate the way whatever you do as a mother, work or stay at home, is seen by the rest of society, and esp. other women as this MAJOR decision which you had to spend ages thinking about. I work full-time, so it must be a) because we would be on the street without my job or b) because I would have severe depression if I didn't work or c) because I just LOVE my job so much I cannot live without it or d) I have no identity without my job or e) am a slightly crap mother so prefer to hand over the care to a third party. None of the above, actually. It was hardly the most emotional decision of my life. People seem to agonise so much over this decision, even it it's made for them by financial circumstances, and spend so much time justifying themselves. It is so bloody boring.

Well said MORgueOSKY!

I don't know about financial independence being an illusion if you have children. I can't understand that comment.

I do know that I am not reliant in any way upon DH or his income to sustain my lifestyle and that of our children. It means he can have a midlife crisis and run off with his secretary if he chooses. I think that's financial independence, isn't it?

You made a contract with your husband to support each other when you married. Support does not have to mean financial. As long as you both feel you are contributing and that the other person is too, it's nobody else's business.
The myth that every woman wants a career is pernicious bt. Fact is, in a FAMILY setting- I appreciate that there are women who have no desire for children and want to concentrate on having a career- most men are happy providing for their family financially and most women are happy looking after their children in their formative years.
Don't you feel guilty about being one of them. You're normal.

Hear hear, messalina.

That's a very unsympathetic attitude messalina. What the endless lengthy posts on this subject on MN show is that the decisions surrounding work and childcare are some of the very hardest decisions families have to make.

Good for you if it happened easily - but please recognise your own good fortune.

"My opinion is you do what makes you and your children happy"

I find it fascinating that whenever these discussions bubble up the focus is overwhelmingly on the needs and desires of adults, and that the needs and desires of babies and small children, if referred to at all are just nodded to in passing, usually as some sort of adjunct to our own feelings.

Why can't we acknowledge that sometimes (unfortunately) what makes parents 'happy' doesn't always suit children and isn't necessarily good for them?

Or is there some golden rule: if it's right for me, then it must be best for you too?

Thank god we're not expected to accept that as a guiding principle in any of our other close relationships.......

Personally, as a mum who's worked part-time since her eldest was 5 weeks old, (out of both necessity and preference) my attitude to work and childcare has changed radically since my children have been able to clearly articulate their own feelings about what makes them feel happy and secure.

Small primary-aged children would always prefer their mother or father to be waiting at the school gate at going home time, and to spend the rest of the day with their parent(s) based in and around their own home. There is absolutely no question about this - I observe hundreds of children at DD's school each week and have ample examples of children's reactions to parents vs. other carers.