and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

[Astrid28]

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

YANBU.
I am also a SAHM and I just realised from reading the first few posts that, yes, we are lucky.
I do sometimes wonder about my alternative universe life, where I put on a power suit each morning and make lots of money using my brain, but then I realise that image is just a fantasy, because I would lose out in other ways.
You hear of so many women who are forced to work outside the home to make ends meet. THis isnT female emancipation; this is just big companies using women to make money for the CEOs. Using women as cheap labour has been going on since the industrial revolution so I donT think that WOHM women are more emancipated at all, sometimes quite the opposite.

I have been a SAHM for 4 years (am now 28) and as time goes on I enjoy it more and more. Its almost as though it took me a year or two to get into the swing of things.
But I agree that its very important for women to have something in their lives other than their kids i.e a hobby, or a course to brush up on skills.

Well Sakura I did the power suit big job in city for 10 years and honestly you are not missing anything! (IMHO sure others adore it).

Am feeling smug though as a SAHM who managed to earn £800 last month!

Knackeredoldhad - brilliant post of 12.26.

Kerala - I miss my big city job. I loved it, I was good at it. Even though I work now I have taken a step back to a job that pays half as well for the benfit of my DS - he is worth the sacrifice but I will never be able to get a foot back on that ladder again.

I don't have anyone to provide a pension for me as I'm single. My mother is financially disadvantaged having divored my fatehr after 35 years and her pension was nothing like as good as his because of her gap in working.

Abetadad,
Ive read your first posts about equality. Your points didnT sit well with me. I`ve thought about them and now I realise why.

To elaborate, I now live abroad in a country where most women are SAHMs. In this culture women almost never return to work after marriage. SOme of them do, but they are anomalies.
ANyway, what suprised me was seeing LOTS of women here who have NO CHILDREN (by choice or otherwise), and who dont work. I thought "arenT they ashamed of themselves?; they arenT contributing any <span class="italic">labour</span> to society or financially in the home. Many of them eat out a lot with their husbands so donT even make a family meal. THese women not only have no shame about this, they seem to shamefacedly enjoy their lives without any guilt.
And then I got it.
That is when I realised that you canT <strong>measure</strong> a womans worth. It cant be measured by how often a woman cleans a bathroom, how many meals she cooks, how many kids she has or how much money she earns outside the home. She simply is valuable because women have an intrinsic, inherent value that is not recognised by society. It is to do with the previous poster who said that we donT know how much voluntary work these women do, how much love they give to nieces and nephews or children down the street, how much they nurture their husbands, provide a warm, welcoming home. THeir husbands can`t be THAT unhappy with the situation. And I hazard a guess that the husbands prefer their wives not to work, rather than viewing their wives as leeches.

So I agree with dittany that trying to make things "equal" has nothing whatsoever to do with feminism.

Knackered, what you do professionally has no place in an SAHM debate, unless you think that because your job is socially beneficial you have more justification in going out to work than, say, a banker or a paparazzo.

I'm sure you don't think that. I don't think that, for sure.

Any Mum and Dad that brings their children up right enough does a job which I'm grateful for.

I should add, I don't think that because I don't think you need to justify yourselves.

excellent post by Sakura

i think the fact that people have an intrinsic worth, irrespective of what they 'do' is something our society has entirely forgotten. thanks for reminding me.

Everyone has an intrinsic worth which isn't measured just by how many meals they cook or noses they wipe. That's nothing to do with whether they are female or male.

Here's a new look at the subject....

Being a SAHP is as much a career choice as any other career. Saying that it's a good or a bad one just because you enjoy it or don't enjoy it is like telling everyone that they should all be a dentist just because you are. But if we were all dentists, the world would have great teeth but no food to eat!

The idea that women are letting feminism down by being SAHMs, because that's a traditionally female role, equates to saying that women shouldn't go into, say, nursing, teaching or office admin beacause those are also traditionally 'womem's jobs'.

Equality is about everone having the right to choose a career, including being a SAHP, no matter what their gender and no matter which gender the job has traditionally been dominated by, and being fully accepted in that career choice.

Also, saying that people (esp women) are selling themselves and their intelligence short by being a SAMH is insulting to holds any kind of job that isn't particularly cerebral. What about supermarket check-out workers or street sweepers? Those are jobs that probably require less thought than being a SAHM and we don't ridicule anyone for doing them. Because we accept that they are still essential jobs, and I for one am grateful that there are people willing to do them. The same goes for SAHPing - not my cup of tea, but thank goodness someone else is happy to do it, so my DDs have friends to play with after school instead of after school club every day, so someone is running the school PTA, toddler groups are provided for my childminder to take my toddler to.... etc etc.

It takes everyone to be a society.

Can I advertise somewhere to hire my own cocklodger? Or do you have to inherit one or somesuch?

Agree, AnnieLobeseder.

Sakura - are you in Japan, which is a country I know well?

I declare myself astonished at this:

"....you canT measure a womans worth. It can`t be measured by how often a woman cleans a bathroom, how many meals she cooks, how many kids she has or how much money she earns outside the home. She simply is valuable because women have an intrinsic, inherent value that is not recognised by society."

If you don't mind me sayng that is a very specific cultural view not common in Western society. What you are talking about is being a kept women. No one would say that about a man and I do not care which country you go to.

It is not about how any bathrooms you clean. It is about doing something useful with your life whether that be SAHP or WOHP. Not just looking pretty for your husband and having servants do everything else. A specific male Western cultural view I admit.

Also, I feel you may have misquoted Dittany as this is what she said @ Mon 26-Oct-09 14:57:36

"What feminism is fighting for is freedom and equality for women.

And who will be the judge of what is useful, betadad. Presumably your self-appointed committee of one.

The term "SAHM" annoys me, why not "full-time mum/dad" - its a full-time job after all!

sazzabear - because ALL parents are full-time. I don't stop being a mother once I walk through the gates at work.

Annie, calm down dear - I was not having a dig at working parents and I certainly don't want to get everyone fired up about that old chestnut again, IMO the term SAHM just sounds wrong and slightly demeaning.

Thank you annielobeseder - beat me to it!

Incidentally, I have never heard a SAHM refer to her husband a a 'part time dad' - so presumably they aren't happy with the concept of part time parenting either!!

We are all parents all of the time.

You do right, dont work unless you have to or really want to. I worked when my children were young, and there are things I missed out on, I was always tired, stressed, depressed. Im much happier at home.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is jealous of not having the choice.

stuffit, I think when people get sneery at those of us who go out to work (as some have been doing), it does no harm to remind that not everyone goes out to work for the purposes of getting a bigger shoe collection and/or more handbags or even better holidays, bigger house, flashier car or whatever. There are many more reasons for going out to work than that and those of us that do go back to work have taken that decision no less lightly than those who decided to stay at home. We are also no less committed as parents as some seem to imply.

I respect the wishes and desires of others to stay at home and I wish that others would have more respect for the fact that some people want (not necessarily need)to work after they have had children.

"I was always tired, stressed, depressed. Im much happier at home.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is jealous of not having the choice"

Thats a bit simplistic - there are any number of tired, stressed and depressed SAHM's (a quick scan of posts on MN over the years would bear that out) who would benefit greatly from working to relieve financial pressure, give them a break from their chidlren and generally boost their self esteem. Sadly often they don't have that choice becasue of the cost of child care.

It works both ways.

I'm perfectly calm, thanks Sazzerbear . I just dislike any term which implies that working parents are part-time parents.

It has always been hard to come up with a good name for SAHPs. Housewife, home-maker etc - none of them flattering!

""I was always tired, stressed, depressed. Im much happier at home.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is jealous of not having the choice"
"

WHo are you to judge 'anyone' else?

What's with the knee jerk "she's jealous" response? It's all over the thread. It's reminding me of the "you're too good for him" response to a friend's break-up. A conditioned reflex response...

alyson - I think you're missing the point that we're all different. I could re-write your post as "I stayed at home when my children were young, and there are things I missed out on, I was always tired, stressed, depressed. I'm much happier at work".

Just because staying at home works better for you, don't presume the rest of us are jealous of that. I was jealous of working mums.

Again, it comes back to accepting that different people want different things from life and it's quite unlikely that others are jealous of your choice simply because it differs from yours.