To think that Julia Hollander who put her severely brain damaged daughter into care did the right thing

[pigletmania]

I have just picked up this weeks Pick Me Up magazine and have read the brave story of a woman Called Julia Hollander and her husband who put their daughter Imeogen who has severe brain damage into care as they could not cope. The daughter is now thriving and doing so well in the care of Tania a professional carer. They are still a part of their daughters life and are involved in decision making regarding aspects of her life.

When this couple spoke out about their story they recieved a lot of bad press and was unfairly vilified by people on Mumsnet who if they have not been in that situation have no idea what this couple are going through. They put their daughter into Tanias care so that she would have a better life, this in itself is very selfless and putting their daughter first.

yes agree AFM that some family can understand and have a full grasp of what it's like.

But equally there are countless posts on here from people whose family just don't get it so being family certainly doesn't qualify one as knowing what it's about IMO, although obviously one can have a grasp of what it's like without being the parent - I think I'm waffling now.

Do you think that JH feels the need to constantly validate and justify her choice as publicly as possible becuase she knows deep down it was NOT the right choice?!

unless you are the one doing the 24/7 care how can you fully understand, you can relate to it and emphasie, but when it is your child it is different. It is just the way it is.

wannaBe on Wed 28-Oct-09 15:50:26
good post

I think you make your world inevitably smaller then 2shoes. Some of my family do understand, some of my friends without children who are disabled do understand aswell. That makes us all feel happy, I am not going to feel bad about it. Of course the vast majority do not understand but it is not say people who give time to think about these things are actually those people.

and actually friendship and family support are something julia hollander could have done with and could do with now. No supportive family would have let her to get to that point at 5 months that she felt she had to leave her baby in hospital, a baby she claims to love. A supportive family and frriends would have realised it was still her baby and tried to help her.

"Do you think that JH feels the need to constantly validate and justify her choice as publicly as possible becuase she knows deep down it was NOT the right choice"

maybe she feels like someone has to be a voice for people making difficult/unpopular decisions and wants to get it out there that it's not wrong if you realy feel like you need to make that choice.

Same as abortion I think. I wish more people would talk more openly about abortion and how it hasn't screwed them up for example.

Lots of people write about abortion as a positive thing. Have you been living in a cave?

I get the feeling this has not really been such a positive thing for Julia though, I feel she is trying to justify it to even herself.

Agree angry. I suspect that for julia this was not the right decision ( I judge from her words). Right decision for her husband and parents no doubt, but what a price to pay.

I suppose once you do that you can't allow yourself to imagine that actually life might have been better with immie in the family because then the decision could only have been wrong. You effectively prevent yourself discovering the good side (and I suppose you'll never experience some like the sense if community).

AngryFromManchesterI have never had support, family are just there, but the support was given to BIL as he has 3 boys(that is hard you know)
I have friends but they tend to be in the sn world too.

I think perhaps I must have been in a cave as I seem to see more people writing about how awful their abortion experience is.

I actually think there is a difference from having no support to having an actively dissuasive family and support network, whether that be in a care or caring capacity.

sorry I don't get your post, not being rude, I just don't understand it

I meant her family and friends were being actively dissuasive about her keeping her daughter, it was not just that they were unsupportive in a caring or care capacity (I think that makes more sense )
Who knows whether this was what she really wanted to, or would have done? She does really appear to be seeking some kind of closure to this but it is without resolve and she is still at that mourning stage. I think you are right too, I think if she had cared for Immie and got to realise what she was liek she would have got over that stage. maybe no amount of therapy will get you over it if it was not really , actually, wanted you wanted to do.

I meant what you wanted to do. I have three rather loud children

thanks I get it now and see what you mean......but isn't it again a case of blaming someone else?
a common thing that is said by people is "what about the siblings" Jh even used her other child as one of her reasons, (terrible to blame a small child imo)

I am concerned aswell that she will not get any kind of closure before Immies death and will never get over that mourning process and acceptance process before it is too late to build any kind of relationship with her. That is one of the reasons I feel sorry for her. I wish she would have a lightbulb moment because no amount of spending an hour or two every saturday with her is ever going to give her any satisfaction or realisation about what she has really actually done. We are not in the 1970s. She has made herself an object of controversy, without I think, any real intention of doing so. I think she thought her own family's opinions were normal

In response to the 'what about the siblings' thing, I actually it might be more damaging to take the path Julia has done tbh, my children know no different, nor do their friends (who have no disabled siblings) I actually think it is good for children to learn about diversity

Before I had my ds I would have liked to have thought I could truely empathise with parents who have children who disabilities/ sn. It is only with hindsight that I know that you have to life the life 24/7 to truely know, understand and appreciate the positive and negative aspects of raising a child who has a disability.
I think that everyone of course is entitled to their own opinion but I feel sad at the judgemental comments aimed at JH by most people.
Would they have prefered that jumped off a bridge or commited suicide in an equally horrific way as parents of disabled childrn have resorted to when they just cannot cope anymore?
We do not know why she has written the articles or books and neither do we know in where the money has gone, she may well of donated it to charity, it could be in a trust fund for her daughter surely what people are commenting on is just pure speculation?
I describe my son as having a severe disability, he has Autism. I will not bore you with the list of additional diagnosis he has but he attends a special school for sld and complex needs. Yes he has different needs to other severely disabled children but some of the comments raised, I must say by the minority makes out that it is some sort of competition to see whose child or family are the most affected.
I am lucky I have a supportive husband and family had I not have had them who knows what would happened although I suspect that my children would be without a mother. I would not wish that on anyone.

she said the money for the advance payment paid for the childcare for her other two daughters whilst she wrote it
if that helps?

she has not confirmed (to my knowledge) where any other money has gone to

Why does it matter where her money goes? I don't ask other people to justify how they spend their wages. It's like asking someone how much they give to the special school for the care of their child or how much they donate to respite. It's no one elses business

I think people question the money side of things as even though she chose to abandon her daughter, she is using her to make a name for herself(not a good one as it happens)

'the minority makes out that it is some sort of competition to see whose child or family are the most affected.'

oooooh a competition that usually implies prizes!!

Let's see now....

1st prize: Lifetime quality care for dc

2nd prize: Round-the-world cruise with luxury care provided for DC

3rd prize: 60min trolley grab around a luxury department store (winner's choice)

(thought the thread needed a bit of a humour injection )

My view on this matter (as argued earlier in the thread) is that there is in fact very little difference between how severe disability affects a family.

That means no prizes though!

at Manny