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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant friend can't come to hen do.... AIBU?

131 replies

Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 11:37

I am looking for honest answers here guys, I really do want to know if IABU!

My friend, infact one of my best friends, is pregnant, and will be 39+4 weeks pregnant at my wedding. Up until recently, I have been planning a hen night in London. However, My sister has just found us a cracking deal for an all inclusive weekend to Spain, and we have decided to book it. I t will actually work out cheaper than the weekend in London! Friend is gutted, it's two weeks before she is due, so she can't fly. If I book it when she is able to fly (36 weeks at the latest) it will be a month before my wedding. Which I don't mind, but I will be worrying tremendously about her flying, her health etc etc. I am currenty getting quoted for both weekends to see if there is much of a difference.
But here is what I am upset about.... She came in to my house today in tears, saying I am leaving her out, I don't want her there, I did it by stealth (because I didn't tell her as soon as I had the idea), we didn't go away for hers so why do we have to for mine... it goes on.
Firstly AIBU to want to go to Spain, even if it means she can't come?
And AIBU to think that she's being a bit mean laying this guilt trip on me when I am supposed to be having fun planning my hen?

There is a bit of history, I don't want to reveal by stealth so here's a few facts:

She is notoriously selfish, her way or the highway. We were supposed to be going for a meal with her and OH's but because we wouldn't go where THEY wanted to go they have cancelled. We are going for drinks with other friends after (friend and her DH don't want to come for various reasons) but they won't go to the town that we are meeting at, even though it's the same restaurant

I have done soooo much for her. I look after her daughter at a cheap rate (I'm a minder), have her for extra days and don't charge etc. Was bridesmaid at her wedding and organised her whole hen, it was great. Spent fortunes staying at the hotel with her the night before the wedding. it goes on. Anyway, she has just given me notice of her baby leaving at the beginning of DEC! I now have no money for my bills let alone xmas presents for my kids, her mum is going to look after the baby. But she could have waited until after xmas, her fee's are covered by tzx credits so she wouldnt have been out of pocket! grrrrr, sorry, had to add this last rant on as I don't want to reveal tit bits as I go along. I think this is relevant because I'm getting a little annoyed with her me me me attitude all the time!

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 22/10/2009 17:55

"Ugh, the more I read about weddings the more it puts me off them. They seem to bring out the very worst in large numbers of brattish women." - Blu I couldn't agree more

MmeGoblindt · 22/10/2009 18:05

I can understand that she is upset. She feels that you don't care that she will not be at you hen do. Assuming that there is a good chance that she will also miss the wedding since she is due that week.

Perhaps the hen do was a way for her to still take part in the wedding celebrations, even if she misses the wedding itself. It may be that she was clinging to that and is now feeling so upset as she may miss out twice.

I live abroad and regularly miss weddings, hen dos, birthday parties etc. It is really hard for me to know that all my friends and family are together, having a great time and I am not with them.

sayithowitis · 22/10/2009 18:06

YABU. And a bit nasty as well! Your friend included you in her wedding, in a big 'role'. You are excluding her from the one part of your wedding celebrations she probably felt comfortable about. After all, she may be unable to attend the wedding itself. You have done this at a late stage, changing your plans. No wonder she feels excluded. I can understand her DH not coming to your OH stag. He probably doesn't want to leave his wife alone so close to her EDD, knowing that every minute he is out with your OH, she is at home, feeling hurt that she has been excluded from your celebrations. I don't think he is doing it to 'get bck' at you. Rather, it is out of concern for the health of his wife and baby.

As for her removing her child from your care, tough! She has given you about six weeks notice. That is a couple of weeks more than is usual. Also, she is not responsible for funding your bills and Christmas presents.

You say you are annoyed with her 'me,me,me attitude. may be so, but whatever she is normally like, she is now pregnant and very hormonal. What is your excuse?

RainRainGoAway · 22/10/2009 18:40

I think some of the posters here are being incredibly nasty.

OK, so it's Pregzilla vs Bridezilla and there is no one good solution.

Agreed with the poster who said that if I had to wait for everyone to get together at exactly the same time at the same place nothing would ever happen.

Keep calm OP - just do what you really want to do and try and make it up in other ways.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/10/2009 18:42

YABalittleU as she's clearly not able to participate in either your hen do or wedding. I know you've offered a second do in the UK but it's not quite the same when you're best friends with the bride. Personally, I'd choose my friend over Spain and find a location/activity that all everyone can attend (but I hate those all weekend, expensive hen dos anyway ). I guess you need to decide if you're prepared to lose a friendship over your hen do location!!

Congratulations on the wedding though and I hope you have a fab time.

piscesmoon · 22/10/2009 19:06

YANBU -I really don't know why she is getting so upset-I wouldn't have wanted to go when so heavily pregnant. You can't please all the people all the time so there is no point in trying!

Hulababy · 22/10/2009 19:20

YABU to expect her not to be upset that she can't come to the hen do. She had probably been looking forward tot he one being planned - especially as pregnant and possibly unable to go to the wedding. Bet she thought that "at least I can celebrate at the hen do." And no, because you want to, you have changed it to one where you know that she has no chance of coming to. You have, in effect, deliberately excluded her fromt he main hen party.

Both you know, and she knows, that the other do in the UK. is just the side line, a distraction to make you feel better about her not being able to celebrate properly with you.

I imagine she feels really quite upset and very disappointed, especially if she is supposed to be such a good friend.

I suspect this is why her DH has cried off too - to show his partner some support if she is upset at home.

But it is done now. You get the hen do you want and she gets to stay home. In time, probably when less hormonal, she'll come round. But if she is a friend she should be able to tell you when she is upset - that is what being good friends is all about after all.

Mind - I am of the opinion that hen and stag dos are just so OTT these days. Can't see why people can't have a nice night out back home rather than these week long events.

lovechoc · 22/10/2009 19:21

YABU. why not have a meal out for those who are not able to fly out to Spain.

A 'home' hen and an 'away' hen!

diddl · 22/10/2009 19:22

Well,in simple terms,I wouldn´t lose a friend for the sake of a weekend in Spain.

tatt · 22/10/2009 20:54

she is not "being selfish" - she is being HURT when she is pregnant and therefore highly sensitive. She can't help that, she didn't deliberately create the problem. It is because you don't seem to understand that that people say you are being mean. If you are good friends she should be able to tell you she's hurt without you having a hissy fit.

Your other friends should be pleased that you value friendship highly enough to include all your friends.

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 23/10/2009 07:57

Just invite her to your next one

EyeballsintheSky · 23/10/2009 08:25

Sorry but I agree with the others. She's one of your best friends, you can talk to her about anything, you always have a laugh, you see her a lot blah blah. Yet you pounce on her when she's pg and all up in the air (is it her first, missed that info if it's there) and it's no wonder that she's upset as others have said there's a fair chance she'll miss your wedding as well. You're expecting her to take your feelings into consideration but you're not giving her the same courtesy and sorry, but having a baby is a bigger deal than a wedding and that's from someone who had a mahoosive wedding.

Your hen do and wedding, your choice. But if I was her I'd be wondering what sort of a best friend you were.

EyeballsintheSky · 23/10/2009 08:27

Sorry no, just realised it isn't her first . She's still hormonal, sensitive and preparing for a big life change though.

BooingTheBestICan · 23/10/2009 08:55

Sorry i havent read the whole thread so apologies if this has been answered,but if you cannot afford Christmas presents for your kids because your friend has removed her child from your care then how can you afford to go to Spain?

Original poster

Crackopenthebaileys · 23/10/2009 09:16

because we have a tradition amongst our group that everyone pays a little more and covers the cost of the hen. Also, the hen isn't until May

OP posts:

StrawberriesandCherries · 23/10/2009 09:52

May? Oh i got the impression it was soon, probably you saying about xmas pressies etc confused me.

In your OP you said you could book it for when she can fly, the only problem is it would be a month before your wedding. Why not suggest that to her then? I know you also said you would worry about her health,flying etc but that is for her to decide about not you. At least then you are giving her the option and she can chose for herself

RainRainGoAway · 23/10/2009 09:54

Call me odd, but I would never impose my wishes on my friends choices for their wedding.
I have had friends do the strangest most annoying hens (no, I don't want to go quad biking, to a hotel in Cambrige which is 5 hour drive away etc) but I would never do anything to upset the bride as it is her choice and I wouldn't be so arrogant as to assume that my life circumstances should affect her choices no matter how inconvenient they are.

If it were too expensive a hen I would say so to them. If it was that I couldn't come (work, PG etc) I haven't asked to change it as it is HER CHOICE!! This has happened with a very close friend and I couldn't go to a weekend in Paris. There is no way on earth I could go as was due a a month later and had no money but wouldn't dream of upsetting the bride!

sayithowitis · 23/10/2009 11:06

rain Rain, in general I think most of us would agree with your sentiments, however, this case is, IMO, slightly different because the bride zilla has changed her hen night from being one which the friend could attend, to one that she can't. If it was just an acquaintance, there would still be no problem, but this is supposed to be one of her 'best friends'. If I was the friend, I would certainly be feeling very hurt that my 'best friend' would deliberately change her arrangements so that I was excluded from both the hen and the wedding.

Original poster

Crackopenthebaileys · 23/10/2009 16:57

It's not like I had confirmed London, it was the first idea we had. Then another idea came up. I can't see the problem with that tbh
Also, I have looked into changing the date so that she could come, but now the airlines arent allowing you to fly past 28 weeks, and that would just be way to before the wedding date

OP posts:

diddl · 23/10/2009 17:01

What would others prefer to do?

Original poster

Crackopenthebaileys · 23/10/2009 17:06

I have spoken to a few of my friends about this (who are also friends with her) and they are all really upset that she has done this. They know that I do a lot for her, and have done a lot in the past for her too) and can't believe how she is behaving. One of our other friends missed a hen in Paris last year because she was very heaviy pregnant, and said she wouldn't have dreamed of doing what friend is doing. Their advice is keep head up, keep strong, and go ahead with the spain trip

OP posts:

lou031205 · 23/10/2009 17:39

Crackopenthebaileys, I think that says more about your friends than her

CurlyCasper · 23/10/2009 17:41

what's wrong with having a hen do well before the wedding date? It leaves time for the bruises to heal...

Mine was in first week March for wedding first week of May. Girls all had to travel a bit (willingly) within UK and then had a couple of months to resave pennies so that those who wanted to could splash on nice hotel for the wedding (cheaper options were available). It's nice to have your Hen before those final weeks of nerves/forgotten arrangement/overbearing family kick in. I persuaded DH to have stag early too, just in case of broken bones...

Should also be cheaper earlier in the year. You do realise that by her not going, the share paid by the other hens will be greater?

Original poster

Crackopenthebaileys · 23/10/2009 17:49

at broken bones.
Lou, I think you would have to know this girl to get it tbh. I guess maybe that just doesn't come across properly here.

I honestly believe that she whould just accept that she is pregnant and therefore can't make it. Just as there's lots of other things that you miss out on when you are pregnant. I see that I am in the minority though

OP posts:

MummyTheQueenOfDarkness · 23/10/2009 17:51

nice that you and the rest of your friends are all talking about her behind her back

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