Pregnant friend can't come to hen do.... AIBU?

[Crackopenthebaileys]

I am looking for honest answers here guys, I really do want to know if IABU!

My friend, infact one of my best friends, is pregnant, and will be 39+4 weeks pregnant at my wedding. Up until recently, I have been planning a hen night in London. However, My sister has just found us a cracking deal for an all inclusive weekend to Spain, and we have decided to book it. I t will actually work out cheaper than the weekend in London! Friend is gutted, it's two weeks before she is due, so she can't fly. If I book it when she is able to fly (36 weeks at the latest) it will be a month before my wedding. Which I don't mind, but I will be worrying tremendously about her flying, her health etc etc. I am currenty getting quoted for both weekends to see if there is much of a difference.
But here is what I am upset about.... She came in to my house today in tears, saying I am leaving her out, I don't want her there, I did it by stealth (because I didn't tell her as soon as I had the idea), we didn't go away for hers so why do we have to for mine... it goes on.
Firstly AIBU to want to go to Spain, even if it means she can't come?
And AIBU to think that she's being a bit mean laying this guilt trip on me when I am supposed to be having fun planning my hen?

There is a bit of history, I don't want to reveal by stealth so here's a few facts:

She is notoriously selfish, her way or the highway. We were supposed to be going for a meal with her and OH's but because we wouldn't go where THEY wanted to go they have cancelled. We are going for drinks with other friends after (friend and her DH don't want to come for various reasons) but they won't go to the town that we are meeting at, even though it's the same restaurant

I have done soooo much for her. I look after her daughter at a cheap rate (I'm a minder), have her for extra days and don't charge etc. Was bridesmaid at her wedding and organised her whole hen, it was great. Spent fortunes staying at the hotel with her the night before the wedding. it goes on. Anyway, she has just given me notice of her baby leaving at the beginning of DEC! I now have no money for my bills let alone xmas presents for my kids, her mum is going to look after the baby. But she could have waited until after xmas, her fee's are covered by tzx credits so she wouldnt have been out of pocket! grrrrr, sorry, had to add this last rant on as I don't want to reveal tit bits as I go along. I think this is relevant because I'm getting a little annoyed with her me me me attitude all the time!

Presumably if you can afford a hen night in Spain, with flights hotels etc, then you really don't need the extra money you would get from one extra month of minding her child at your reduced rate?

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

She's probably feeling wretched, mountainous, hormonal, exhausted and then her best mate leaves her out of the hen night - probably the only thing she's had to look forward to for ages, given that she's almost certainly decided against sex ever again

Sounds more like this friendship has run it's course and you're looking for an out.

yeah but she isnt - that is a party for "everyone" - different thing entirely and far closer again to friends due date. Its just a bit mean - like someone else says - if you dont care about your friend then go, if you dont stop calling her a bf and move on with your life.

Yes, it is your choice to go whereever, but quite frankly, the more you post, the more you sound like my bitch ex-bff.

Considering she's one of a circle of 6 friends, i find it horrifing and very selfish that
a) you changed your plans specifically to something that EXCLUDES one of your best friends, but oh.. you throw her a bone of meal out after you and 4 of her other buddies have been having a whale of a time in another country without her.. yay, bet she feels so loved.

b) you call her demanding and selfish for being upset and asking you not to change your plans

c) you clearly think the same as my bitch ex-bff and that "her choice, her consequence" means that you feel she's got pregnant just to spoil your wedding.

d)you're expecting your friends to PAY for your jolly in spain because you're skint!

You're a mean, selfish woman.

YANBU to go to Spain, if thats what you want, but YABU if you expect her not to feel very left out and upset by it.

I think you have to think what is more important to you- going to Spain for your hen do OR her being at your hen do.

Well i dont know now reading the posts, i am now kinda sympathising with your bf, ok if you planned the hen do to Spain a while ago fair enough, there was enough warning not just a bolt from the blue. You indicate that you are short of cash for x mas presents and food, why on earth are you going to Spain then! Use that money to buy presents for your kids and feed yourselves and have a low key meal somewhere both you all can go to.

Ugh, the more I read about weddings the more it puts me off them. They seem to bring out the very worst in large numbers of brattish women.

The original, old, idea of a hen night was to enjoy times with your friends becuase you wouldn't be seeing them as a single person any more. But now it is all about 'me, the bride, I must have the very best and if my friends can't come - tough!'. God, what is the point, if your friends can't come?

Go to Spain - you clearly want to! Hopefully you will have a great time and the friends you go with will be nice and supportive and replace your left-behind frend after the wedding.

This is turning nasty. Both parties will be feeling stressed - one is pregnant and hormonal and one has all the stress of a wedding. Neither is in their right mind .

And the OP said several times that the friends group together and pay for the hen night so she can't save money by holding it in London.

Op needs to make it clear to her friend she's not trying to exclude her but wants to have something more personal for the 2 of them. Hen nights when you have to be sober are less fun and they can have special time together elsewhere. A good friend should say I was upset but go and have a good time without me.

Agree with Blu.

When did the hen/ stag do become an event in itself?

I reaaaaaly hate seeing bunches of hens/ stags wearing crappy t-shirts saying "Sharon's Hen Do 2009" generally making tits of themselves abroad.

Why do this?? WHHHHHHHHHHY?

You guys are getting really mean. I am a nice person, and have actually spent the last half hour crying because my friend is being so selfish. Her OH has decided not to come to the stag because he's been there before and doesn't fancy going again. nice. My friend has told me this afternoon that she's mostly upset because when I organised her hen we stayed in the UK, and now I am going abroad. And apparantly thats not fair.
She is completely laying a guilt trip on me, if I change my mind and stay in the UK I'm going to regret that decision for a long time, and possibly resent her.
I didn't go to another friends hen a couple of years ago because my baby was only two months old. I didn't lay a guilt trip on her getting her to change the date or stay in the UK, I simply accepted it as the way things are. I had my baby and she needed me, and that was the decision I made.
There's 20 other people looking forward to this, how about thinking about how much thy are looking forward to it?
I feel like there is a big marr on these plans now, and it's spoiling it.
And as a last point, why on earth shouldn't I choose the location of my hen do??

You should and none of us said not too but tbh you both still sound more and more like a pair of spoilt brats.

Tbh if she is 36 weeks pregnant her dh shouldnt be going away anyway. And you shouldnt expect him to. Honest to god.

Melodramatic crap - and may I remind you that you genuinly wanted to know if you were being unreasonable - we said yes - and now YOU are trying to make US feel guilty for it - which is what you are accusing your friend of making you at least as bad as she is.

Go to spain - dont go to spain - but stop banging on about how hard your life is because of it all - its not. Its a hen do - not war and peace.

Thats real nice. Advice was what I sought, and I got some real good advice from some, so thank you for that. As for being likened to a bitch, thanks, that's just what I needed when I'm feeling really down.

If it were me, and i have only a few very close friends i would compromise as friendships means a lot more than just a venue at the end of the day. You have to think whether this friendship is important to you, i have thought about it using my friends and would never do that. Its up to you at the end of the day, you can go to Spain any other time its always going to be there, your friend might even be able to come at a later date, COMPROMISE! Is it really worth loosing a great friendship over. Enough repeating myself and back to cooking tea

I dont want to be hard and make you feel down its just what i feel

because a hen night is supposed to be about celebrating it with your friends.

I would never have dreamed of having mine somewhere that specifically excluded someone i want there from being able to come... which is exactly what you're doing!

You were obviouly quite happy to have it in the uk until your sister found this amazing spanish deal and without thinking about one of your friends, you decided YAY, lets do that, and are now getting pissy because one person who obviously wants to go on your hen night, now cant because you've decided to do something that EXCLUDES her.

This isnt a matter of cant afford taxis, or a bit short for the overnight stay.. she CANNOT come because to fly would be to ENDANGER her health and possibly her child and while all her friends are off partying in spain, you're expecting her to be happy with a "oh, we can go for a meal" consolation prize.

but hey.. its your hen-night do what you want, because its clearly ALL about YOU and as long as you get what you want, then its all good right?

It was better that my 'friend' excluded me frm everything from the start.. i'd have been devestated if i'd been planning on going and she'd changed her plans to do something that specifically excluded me but everyone else on the original invite list can do.

I'm not surprised she's layin the guilt on, what you're doing is inarguably cruel and thoughtless.

You post on AIBU and get told that you're being unreasonable and then try to make everyone fell guilty for being Big Fat Meanies when they tell you that yes you are indeed being unreasonable. You are starting to sound ridiculous and I'm starting to wonder why your BF even wants to help you celebrate given your huge sense of entitlement.

not everyone tinker, and if you look back I have agreed with peoples views either on my 'side' or not. However, I object to being likened to a bitch, or being called a mean selfish woman. There are ways to get views accross without being mean. Thats all I'm saying.

I have been chatting to my sisters today, and really considering changing to the UK. But the way she has been is making me not want to. She is being really nasty about my OH's stag do, and making really snide jibes to me about her hen do (I organised it)
I am quite sure that I have lost a friend, and I feel quite sad about that. However I think it's been coming for while tbh

She's HURT fgs. YOU'VE hurt her by essentially saying by your actions she's not as important to you as you were to her and in her wedding plans. Can you really not see that? She's reacting out of that place.

Compromise, go back to the original plan, have a nice time with all your friends and keep this friendship. Or lose it, over ONE NIGHT, and be down to 5 close friends rather than 6.

How old are you all? If there's a big birthday coming up in the next few years, plan a girly weekend to Spain for that instead. Losing one of your best friends over this is just so so not worth it.

I don't think you set out to be a bridezilla at all, but I think now everyone's gotten hurt and everyone is now battoning down their own hatches and reacting out of that hurt. And, love, I'm sorry, but you were the one who caused the original problem, by changing the plans and thereby excluding her, so I think it needs to be you who climbs down (at least if you want to keep the friend, and your DP wants to keep her P as a friend too).

Ugh, I'm going now, I'm just repeating myself.

I hope you change it, for everyone's sake including yours. I hope you have a lovely time, I hope you and she manage to salvage this long standing friendship and I hope you have a lovely wedding and life together with your own family. Best of luck.

Look take a deep breath and don't fall out.

You are both about to go through huge life changing events and are both (quite understandably) feeling like you ought to be put first.

You're obviously upset, as is she and you're probably both going to start saying/doing things that are not an accurate reflection of the way in which you really feel because you are hurt at the others perceived behaviour.

Don't fall out over it - especially before a wedding and a baby. If you are decent people you will regret it forever and if you are not then time will pass and you will stop being friends anyway.

Don't do anyting rash.

if her oh wants to be petty about where your oh is having his stag do then not your problem

sounds as if he isnt much of a friend with your oh

where is the stag do?

i do see where your bf is coming from, you had organised your hen do in uk, she was prob excited and now probably going abroad and she cant go

if you had said a while back you were going abroad then things would be different

you basically dangled a carrot and then took it away (so to speak)

That's some very good advice, I'm going to sit and have a drink calm think about it tonight, and decide what I am going to do. Thanks guys

YANBU to go where you want but you have 2 choices here. Go where you want or have who you want there. I can see how she feels unimportant to you.

Only read OP, but YABU.