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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant friend can't come to hen do.... AIBU?

131 replies

Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 11:37

I am looking for honest answers here guys, I really do want to know if IABU!

My friend, infact one of my best friends, is pregnant, and will be 39+4 weeks pregnant at my wedding. Up until recently, I have been planning a hen night in London. However, My sister has just found us a cracking deal for an all inclusive weekend to Spain, and we have decided to book it. I t will actually work out cheaper than the weekend in London! Friend is gutted, it's two weeks before she is due, so she can't fly. If I book it when she is able to fly (36 weeks at the latest) it will be a month before my wedding. Which I don't mind, but I will be worrying tremendously about her flying, her health etc etc. I am currenty getting quoted for both weekends to see if there is much of a difference.
But here is what I am upset about.... She came in to my house today in tears, saying I am leaving her out, I don't want her there, I did it by stealth (because I didn't tell her as soon as I had the idea), we didn't go away for hers so why do we have to for mine... it goes on.
Firstly AIBU to want to go to Spain, even if it means she can't come?
And AIBU to think that she's being a bit mean laying this guilt trip on me when I am supposed to be having fun planning my hen?

There is a bit of history, I don't want to reveal by stealth so here's a few facts:

She is notoriously selfish, her way or the highway. We were supposed to be going for a meal with her and OH's but because we wouldn't go where THEY wanted to go they have cancelled. We are going for drinks with other friends after (friend and her DH don't want to come for various reasons) but they won't go to the town that we are meeting at, even though it's the same restaurant

I have done soooo much for her. I look after her daughter at a cheap rate (I'm a minder), have her for extra days and don't charge etc. Was bridesmaid at her wedding and organised her whole hen, it was great. Spent fortunes staying at the hotel with her the night before the wedding. it goes on. Anyway, she has just given me notice of her baby leaving at the beginning of DEC! I now have no money for my bills let alone xmas presents for my kids, her mum is going to look after the baby. But she could have waited until after xmas, her fee's are covered by tzx credits so she wouldnt have been out of pocket! grrrrr, sorry, had to add this last rant on as I don't want to reveal tit bits as I go along. I think this is relevant because I'm getting a little annoyed with her me me me attitude all the time!

OP posts:
DuelingFANGo · 22/10/2009 12:04

if she's one of your best friends why don't you like her very much.

I think she is being unreasonable to make such a fuss but on the other hand I can also understand why she's a bit upset.

I think maybe it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other and if you really liked her you'd be more sympathetic towards her situation.

Stigaloid · 22/10/2009 12:04

Your wedding. Your hen. Do what you want to do and if she can't come it is sad but it isn't about her - it is about you.

Although her ending her contract with you in Dec is bad timing, she has given you 4 weeks notice so you can't be too angry at her for that.

She is being hormonal and wanting to be there and included but at the end of the day - this is your time.

Congrats on your engagement and hope you have a lovely time.

lou031205 · 22/10/2009 12:05

YABU - she is your closest friend, yet you are choosing a hen night she can't come to. You've known for 30 weeks that she will be heavily pregnant on your hen night.

ninagleams · 22/10/2009 12:06

"I know that it's up to her, but considering how much I have helped her, and that it wont actually make a difference to her financially for one month, she could have thrown me a bit of slack do you not think? "

Have you actually said that to her because you don't make it clear? If not then you're talking about someone who's quite pregnant and let's face it, your brain doesn't exactly fire on all cylinders.

Original poster
Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 12:08

wasabi it sounds really crap. I certainly don't begrudge er pregnancy though, and am really excited to have another nipper to cuddle! I also hope I haven't 'shoved her out of the picture'. She is the only friend who came wedding dress shopping with me, and she know's little secrets about my wedding details. As I have said, I am planning another night out for her. Is there anything else you could recommend to me to make her feel more included..... I feel like I'm doing my best to be fair, but that unless I don't do Spain it's not going to be good enough

OP posts:
RainRainGoAway · 22/10/2009 12:11

I would go with the spa thing then...it would be a really nice white flag to wave.
And a few of my 'best friends' couldn't make it to my wedding for one reason or another -I certainly wouldn't hold it against them!! Equally, I wouldn't expect someone to rearrange things around my PG either.

Kayzr · 22/10/2009 12:12

I personally think YABU.

You know she is pregnant but you still want to plan a Hen Party away in Spain when she can't go.

You also sound really selfish. You wouldn't go for a meal because you were going somewhere THEY chose. Why not just go where they wanted and then go somewhere you want to the next time you go out.

BalloonSlayer · 22/10/2009 12:12

I feel sorry for the friend. She probably has been looking forward to it as the last big party before her baby arrives and now she is being shut out.

You did all the hen stuff for her - she isn't getting the chance to do the same for you, so probably still felt that she was pretty high up your "A" list and that she would be one of the people you'd have to have coming in order to have a good time, IYSWIM.

Even if you did book it so she could fly, she'll be leaving her child and spending a weekend in a foreign country while heavily pregnant. I wouldn't want to do it.

I also think it's odd the way you talk about her, eg the night out: "we wouldn't go where THEY wanted to go" That sounds as if you were being every bit as awkward. Why wouldn't you go where they wanted to? Why is that OK but them not wanting to go where you wanted to not OK?

I would guess that the reason she wants her Mum to look after her DD for her is that she will be also able to have the baby too from time to time and it's always easier to have them both at the same plcae.

Original poster
Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 12:12

Warthog, I see your point about the childminding, kida wish I didn't bring that up now as I see that I have been ABU there.
However, regarding the meal( where THEY wanted to go)I will defend that because they always choose, and we are always happy to just go along. It's this one time that we wanted to go to that town so that OH can drink and leave the car there, but they wouldn't have it. We even said they could choose the restaurant. See, I just don't get that!
Nina it's actually a really good point. I am festering away because I really didn't want to lay the guilt trip on, or make her feel bad about her decision. I am going to let that go I think, better all round, and I know it's her right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 12:17

The meal is explained in my last post, I hope that makes it a little clearer. I guess little things are starting to nag now and I may be blowing them out of proportion. I can see that, but it's like straws on the camels back. I have also said that we get on well though, we have ups and downs and I guess this is a down time
I also don't have any issue with her mum having the baby, I think it will be nice for her, I guess I am just finding it hard to see past the problems we now have

OP posts:
VinegarBloodyTits · 22/10/2009 12:18

YANBU about the hen do, your hen do, your choice

YABU about her child leaving, she has given you over a months notice, thats plenty

VinegarBloodyTits · 22/10/2009 12:20

And tbh you both sound a bit selfish and immature, you would think, as best friends, that you would be able to work through these issues

Original poster
Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 12:25

vinegar I actually agree with you! We have been friends for 6 years, and in that time we haven't had any arguements, and we have always agreeD. Maybe thats why, we've never had to work out a disagreement before and we don't know how to do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 12:28

So should I really not be going to Spain? AIBU on that one? Because in fairness, I am considering her feelings, but it was her choice to get pregnant and as someone said earlier she has to deal with the concequences of that. Is she considering my feelings?

OP posts:
AliGrylls · 22/10/2009 12:50

YABU re expecting her to go to Spain. The last few weeks can be really tough and I remember not wanting to leave the house let alone get on a plane.

However, it is your hen party so you should go where you want to. Maybe you should do something with just you and her.

WartoScreamo · 22/10/2009 12:54

But you said hen night was already planned for UK. Presumably she was PG already at that point? Now you want to go to Spain. How dare she spoil your plans by being PG! And dare to be upset about it.

sowhatis · 22/10/2009 12:59

If her taking her baby out really messes you up financially, then i think i would re think my hen night.

im not big on extravagent hen nights TBH, and all that expense plus the wedding etc is alot to ask of people.

WartoScreamo · 22/10/2009 13:03

That's a very good point sowhat. How can you afford a trip to Spain if you can't pay bills and buy xmas presents?

funkybuddah · 22/10/2009 13:16

I think TANBU about your hen do, its nto your fault she cant fly, could you do one in town as well for those that cant come? should be do costly (im talking meal and bar type thing)

as for pulling her DD out, YABU a little bit, what are your notice terms? I though it was usually 1 month and she has given you that

carry on with your dream hen do, you cant please everyone all of the time your hen, your wedding, your way!

Original poster
Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 13:17

My hens are each paying a little extra to cover my costs.
We do it for each person as they get married as they have enough costs with the wedding etc.
The idea was to go to london, not planned yet. We were in the ideas stage.
I don't 'expect' her to go to spain. I expect her to understand that she can't come because she is pregnant, her choice, her concequences. The more I think about this the more I think IANBU. Infact, her DH has just phoned my OH and told him that because she can't come, he's not going to come to OH's stag. Nice. OH's bathroom today too. I'm soooo pissed right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 13:19

birthday today, not bathroom!! What a strange word to substitute it with

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 22/10/2009 13:28

"I don't 'expect' her to go to spain. I expect her to understand that she can't come because she is pregnant, her choice, her concequences."

You mean that you expect her to understand that you have changed the plans of a hen night from one she could come to, to one she can't come to, because it would be better for you. But you don't expect her to make the following connection:

this new Spain idea is "much better"
Crackopen knows I can't come
therefore Crackopen thinks her hen night will be better without me there

it is not a massive leap to:

she has done this deliberately to stop me from coming

In addition I wanted to say that unless you raised all the other issues, ie the meal, with her at the time, she will think they are all OK and it is unfair to use her past behaviour to justify ecluding her now. The only behaviour you can compare this with is her behaviour to you when she was getting married.

At her wedding, she chose you as a bridesmaid, and you organised her hen night (personally I would hate to be lumbered with the latter). For your wedding she is not a bridesmaid (fair enough at 39 weeks!) and you havs changed hen night arrangements so she can't come.

mazzystartled · 22/10/2009 13:28

She sounds a bit high maintenance, but life really is too short to do stuff you don't want to do - that cuts both ways obviously.

I don't blame her for feeling left out. Sounds like she's supported you through your wedding planning like you supported her through hers - surely you'd have been gutted if you couldn't have gone to her hen do and possibly not the wedding?

TBH I think low-cost airlines are the work of the devil and hen dos etc have become ridiculously over the top, anyway, but even so if the hen do is meant to be about celebrating with your best friends then you just shouldn't go to Spain.

The childminding issue is completely irrelevant to this.

BalloonSlayer · 22/10/2009 13:33

"The more I think about this the more I think IANBU. Infact, her DH has just phoned my OH and told him that because she can't come, he's not going to come to OH's stag."

Her DH has cried off because you are being Unreasonable, his wife is really upset because you are excluding her. Yet you see it as more evidence that you are not being unreasonable

ninagleams · 22/10/2009 13:35

"I expect her to understand that she can't come because she is pregnant, her choice, her concequences."

That's cold. If that's how you feel about your friends...