Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Pregnant friend can't come to hen do.... AIBU?

131 replies

Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 11:37

I am looking for honest answers here guys, I really do want to know if IABU!

My friend, infact one of my best friends, is pregnant, and will be 39+4 weeks pregnant at my wedding. Up until recently, I have been planning a hen night in London. However, My sister has just found us a cracking deal for an all inclusive weekend to Spain, and we have decided to book it. I t will actually work out cheaper than the weekend in London! Friend is gutted, it's two weeks before she is due, so she can't fly. If I book it when she is able to fly (36 weeks at the latest) it will be a month before my wedding. Which I don't mind, but I will be worrying tremendously about her flying, her health etc etc. I am currenty getting quoted for both weekends to see if there is much of a difference.
But here is what I am upset about.... She came in to my house today in tears, saying I am leaving her out, I don't want her there, I did it by stealth (because I didn't tell her as soon as I had the idea), we didn't go away for hers so why do we have to for mine... it goes on.
Firstly AIBU to want to go to Spain, even if it means she can't come?
And AIBU to think that she's being a bit mean laying this guilt trip on me when I am supposed to be having fun planning my hen?

There is a bit of history, I don't want to reveal by stealth so here's a few facts:

She is notoriously selfish, her way or the highway. We were supposed to be going for a meal with her and OH's but because we wouldn't go where THEY wanted to go they have cancelled. We are going for drinks with other friends after (friend and her DH don't want to come for various reasons) but they won't go to the town that we are meeting at, even though it's the same restaurant

I have done soooo much for her. I look after her daughter at a cheap rate (I'm a minder), have her for extra days and don't charge etc. Was bridesmaid at her wedding and organised her whole hen, it was great. Spent fortunes staying at the hotel with her the night before the wedding. it goes on. Anyway, she has just given me notice of her baby leaving at the beginning of DEC! I now have no money for my bills let alone xmas presents for my kids, her mum is going to look after the baby. But she could have waited until after xmas, her fee's are covered by tzx credits so she wouldnt have been out of pocket! grrrrr, sorry, had to add this last rant on as I don't want to reveal tit bits as I go along. I think this is relevant because I'm getting a little annoyed with her me me me attitude all the time!

OP posts:

diddl · 22/10/2009 13:36

What a boring färt I am!

Had a BBQ at my parents so that all the females could come, not just the friends of my age!

BalloonSlayer · 22/10/2009 13:37

< must stop posting here>

"she is pregnant, her choice, her concequences."

Are you suggesting that she should have delayed this pregnancy for a year so that she could go on any incompatible-with-pregnancy hen night you might suggest?

What are you suggesting in that statement?

WartoScreamo · 22/10/2009 13:38

I'm glad you're not my friend. If a friend had changed all the plans at the last minute effectively excluding me, my DH would probably refuse to go on the stag night too out of solidarity! I hope in one way she is a MNetter and can see how you bitch about her behind her back.

Casserole · 22/10/2009 13:41

When she got pregnant you were planning a hen do in this country!

And she DOES want to come. You have no idea how many women would just cry off and say they can't be bothered to go out at all when heavily pregnant - she IS still trying to make an effort to be a part of this for you.

I think she's incredibly hurt, and has probably been crying her eyes out at home, and her DH is trying to support her.

Surely you don't want one of your best friends feeling like this? And for this to be in your memories of the lead up to your wedding?? Spain will always be there but you're right, you only get one hen do - the people who care about you should be there to support and celebrate with you and send you on your way. Please don't shut her out of this, I promise you you'll regret it. Have your hen do here, go out and have a fab time. Do a girly weekend to spain next year.

prettyfly1 · 22/10/2009 13:53

Actually - reading your last post, I am now starting to agree with the others that you are at very least as bad as she is. Her oh is supporting her and is unhappy because you have changed all the plans, totally excluding a friend who made you someone really special at her wedding and all you can think about is this proves your right. Which your not.

If you want to go away I still say fine but at least be a bit considerate to your mates feelings. You dont sound very nice tbh. I think you made a comment about needing it all your own way aimed at your friend - you dont seem that different.

PoisonToadstool · 22/10/2009 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbaraBlacksheep · 22/10/2009 13:59

Honestly? you all sound a tad over dramatic and 'all about me me me'

prettyfly1 · 22/10/2009 14:02

One word op. Bridezilla!

babyicebean · 22/10/2009 14:06

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.Depending on how this pregnancy is going flying is no fun.I flew at 36+3 and it was the worst flight I have ever been on.

Without the constant wee'ing and achy legs and achy back, sitting in a cramped seat was evil thankfully it was roughly 2 hours.Trying to get mega-bump into a seat was a bit......interesting and some kind man kindly gave up his seat at the front so I was not either blocking the row in or having to shift a whole row out when I did one of the many loo trips.

The airline was a bit sniffy as I was so far gone but they did say it was up to me.

Also have you thought she may not even make it too your wedding?

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/10/2009 14:08

yabu

you organise a hen do which she can come to then change it to one she cant go to safely

it is not wise for pregnant woman to fly at 36weeks if they dont have to

air pressure/flying can cause labour

now that would really much up your hen weekend - being a foreign hospital instead of pissing it up in the sun!!

i can understand you want to go abroad,esp if costs the same but you surely can understand your friend feels left out

regardling her child and you being her cm

child is leaving in dec, she has given you a months notice

sounds normal to me - its a risk of being se you lose clients - just as my dh does

Fleecy · 22/10/2009 14:08

I get the impression you want to go to Spain because it makes it more special than going to London - maybe that's because I don't travel much though

And you want the most special hen night you can. Which is fair enough. But surely it's the company that's going to make it special, rather than the location? You say your friend is a good giggle and you have lots of fun together. Wouldn't it be more memorable and special if you had a hen weekend in London with all your closest friends, rather than one in Spain where one of them couldn't come?

I can see both sides of this - I don't think you're being deliberately nasty and if you've been stressing about this it's natural that you might get a bit defensive about her OH not going on the stag do. But put yourself in her shoes - she's probably gutted and feeling really left out. It would be worse for her if her OH got to join in all the fun and she was stuck at home feeling horribly heavy and pregnant.

Fleecy · 22/10/2009 14:10

Also, it might be the last chance you have for a while to spend some quality time having fun together, if she's about to have her second child. Make the most of the time with her!

BonsoirAnna · 22/10/2009 14:12

I think you are being very unreasonable to expect your friends to go to Spain for your hen night, even more so if that means leaving a pregnant friend out of the party.

I don't know what any of the other stuff has to do with it. You both sound as bad as each other from the way you write about it in the OP. Are you trying to get at one another all the time?!

tinkerbellesmuse · 22/10/2009 14:16

Yabu and that bit about "consequences" is horrid - you sound really pissed off that she has dared to be pregnant for your special day.

I can't imagine wanting to have had my hen do without my BF there and if she couldn't have been I'd have changed my plans. Surely friends trump location right?

I also think you're BU about the minding - she's given plenty of notice.

And I cannot begin to fathom why your upset about the meal out - you're as bad as each other. You wont go to the restaurant they chose, so she cancels. You are supposed to be friends. Give and take eh?

Blu · 22/10/2009 14:23

Either she is your bf or she isn't . If she is, yes, YABU to have changed all the plans from ones she was looking forward to to ones she cannot take part in (and her other behaviour doesn't really affect that), if she isn't, then no, YANBU.

Aren't Hen Nights about having a great time with your close friends? Therefore your close friends need to be able to go, whether it be the local pub or the Hindu Kush. It's about a shared night with friends, not a travel opportunity.

kickassangel · 22/10/2009 14:38

why are you spending ridiculous amounts of money on a hen weekend, then moaning that you're skint?

have a cheap night out in the uk, use the money saved for christmas. advertise to get a new mindee & don't spend what you don't have.

being pregnant is hard, and can leave people feeling v isolated, perhaps that's why she wants her mum minding her dc. however, i think if you're pregnant, you have to just accept that everyone else carries on without you, and she can't expect your wedding plans to revolve around her pregnancy.

but i say again - why a hen weekend? i'm a big fan of low key low stress weddings.

Original poster

Crackopenthebaileys · 22/10/2009 14:44

I have already said that I am not paying for the hen do.
My wedding is very low key, wedding meal is a bbq!
I'm sorry but I still think she is BU in demanding that I don't go to Spain, it's my hen do and I should be able to choose where I go. Simple as that. And as said before, she is part of my circle of about 6 friends, who I class as my best friends.
I'm going to stop reading here now, because I do feel that I have gained more clarity on the situation, so I do thank you all for your responses

OP posts:

pigletmania · 22/10/2009 14:46

YANBU X 1000000000, this 'friend' sounds completely selfish and only concerned about herself. I cannot stand poeple like that I really dont. If i was that far pg I personally would not be going to any hen do even if it was in the UK, i would prefer to sit and put my feet up and hope that you all enjoy it and have a great time.

pigletmania · 22/10/2009 14:53

Its your hen do you can have it where you want, there is one in the UK she can go to, she should be happy with that. Yes she should cut you a little slack with giving notice she is not just a client but a best friend after all and should give a little consideration.

PoisonToadstool · 22/10/2009 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 22/10/2009 15:08

Well it is isent it not , the whole point of a hen do is for the bride really, its like wedding planning you dont plan your wedding round your friends and relations, you set a date thats good for both of you, plan the venue and if people can come that brill if not than too bad. You cannot please everybody

prettyfly1 · 22/10/2009 15:13

Yeah but piglet to change it on your bf at the last minute - thats just mean. Fair enough if she wants to go abroad - she wants to go abroad, but its not her mates fault and she shouldnt be trying to villify her to make herself feel less guilty - which is how she appears right now.

You obviosuly dont like this person much op so I think its best if you seperate paths a bit really. Sounds like neither of you needs ot be around the other tbh.

TwentiethCenturyHeffa · 22/10/2009 15:19

YANBU in doing what you want for your hen do, but she is NBU in being upset that she can't make it. I'd be pretty upset if a close friend had a hen do that they knew I absolutely couldn't come to because I'd feel that I obviously wasn't that special to them (although tbh, I probably wouldn't say anything about it). The 'her choice, her consequences' thing can just as well be applied to the Spain trip - if you choose to go overseas, the consequence is that she's going to be upset. If you're not bothered about her being upset then go ahead but otherwise maybe you should think about matters most to you - your hen do, or your friend?

pigletmania · 22/10/2009 15:21

But the op is having one in the UK as well so she can go to that.

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 22/10/2009 15:23

Your friend is being selfish, but I have to say if you can not pay your bills of get your children Xmas gifts then I think a hen night/weekend where ever you have it is just silly, save the money and pay the bills

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread