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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's that time of year again and the age old argument has started already over ...

56 replies

sillysalley · 21/10/2009 23:47

Where we spend Xmas day ...

Ever since I have been together with DH, we have always spent Xmas day with his parents.(12 years) Main reason being, DH is an only child, Im one of four, therefore my mum always has someone over for Xmas

But this year, I really really really want to spend it with my mum. Plus my mum has said it would be nice to have me there for a change. I just feel so much more comfortable at my mums plus DS can play with his cousins who he loves to bits. I just want a big family get together. All my other siblings and their children will be there and I dont want to miss out IYKWIM.

My suggestions is for MIL and PIL, to come to our house in the morning to see DS opening his presents etc. Then for us to spend the rest of the day with my family. PIL's have extended family so there is an option for them to have them over so it wont just be the two of them.

AIBU, to spend most of Xmas day with my family?

DH and PIL's seem to think I AIBU due to DH being an only child.

OP posts:
Biobytes · 21/10/2009 23:50

Can you invite them to come to celebrate with your mum and siblings?

rasputin · 21/10/2009 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gmarksthespot · 21/10/2009 23:51

YANBU. Just because you are one of four does not make you less important to your mum.

I think your suggestion is a nice compromise as you will be giving up your 'own' family time whilst your ds is opening his gifts.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 21/10/2009 23:52

YANBU. It's not your fault your DH is an only child.

You've done 12 years, they've had plenty of notice. I'm assuming you all live locally? So it's not like they're not seeing their DGC at all.

Or you could have everyone over to yours... but that would be hard work.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 21/10/2009 23:52

TBH I would tell DH that I was going to my parents as I hadn't spent Xmas with them for 12 YEARS, and to get over it. If he then wants to go to his parents - Byee, see you on Boxing Day.

But then I am a bitch.

Original poster
sillysalley · 21/10/2009 23:52

I know that would be ideal, but wouldnt want to put that on my mum TBH. She knows the situation, but didnt invite them and I wouldnt want to put her in an awkward situation.

OP posts:
TeamEdward · 21/10/2009 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sillysalley · 21/10/2009 23:59

I just feel as though I have done my time at PIL's house at Xmas, and I just really want to look forward to it and spend Xmas with my family.

TBH, I really dont want to host Christmasfor everyone, we are talking 16 people and as someone said - it would be so stressful!

The point is, my mum has asked for us to go and I dont want to decline again as I have for the past years.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 22/10/2009 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyCandles · 22/10/2009 00:06

YANBU wanting to spend Xmas with your mum for once, but YABU not to actually talk this over with your mum. She may be waiting for you to ask her, not wanting to impose your ILs on you as you always spend Xmas with them!

It's a perfectly reasonable request, especially if it would only be the two of them to add to her guestlist.

Alternatively, splitting the day up would also be reasonable. As someone else said, it's not your fault that your dh is an only, you too are someone's dd.

mumeeee · 22/10/2009 00:08

We usaully have Christmas Day on our own (just me.DH and our DDs). We see MIL just before and Have a big Family party with all my family just after Christmas, That way everyone is happy. This year it's going to be a bit differnt as DD1 is now maried and I'm not sure when will see her and her DH,

Original poster
sillysalley · 22/10/2009 00:10

The reason I havent spoke to my mum, is I know she wouldnt want them there. That sounds dreadful doesnt it! Its not that she dislikes them, because they get on very well, but my mum worries so much when visitors arrive.

One christmas she invited her mum and great aunt and she was an absolute wreck! She would be fine with us there, but only us there.

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 22/10/2009 00:10

I bless the day DH, (then DP) shortly after we moved in together, declared that Christmas Day itself was to be spent at home, on our own. We still stick to it now we have DC - we see both families lots either side of Christmas, but have never had to get involved in the "whose turn is it this year?" conversations.

Sorry, OP, that doesn't help you, does it... FWIW my father's parents always made a huge deal of New Year - so all their sons spent Christmas at home or with their ILs and then everyone went there for New Year and stayed a few days - it was the one time in the year I was guaranteed to see all my cousins.

nooka · 22/10/2009 00:22

Seems fine to me. I really don't see why just because your dh is an only you should never spend Christmas with your family.

coralanne · 22/10/2009 00:47

My sister always has her two boys and their families over on Christmas Eve. That then leaves the boys free to spend Christmas Day with their own families or the DILs family or whatever else they want to do. Her and husband come to my place for Christmas Day.My DD spends Christmas Eve with MIL and family, Christmas lunch with me and evening with MIL. Trust me by 3 pm, I'm ready to veg out with hubby. Having said that, it wouldn't preturb me if one year everyone wanted to do something different.

Biobytes · 22/10/2009 02:03

16 people are not, really, too many guests. I would organise the party myself. If you want help, just ask every couple to bring salad, desert, wine or whatever and you cook the main thing. (Well, at least that was the way we did with my family, and in our case, the guest number could easily go above 30. Great time! )

tinkerbellesmuse · 22/10/2009 06:05

I think you are being a teeny BU.

I feel a bit for anyone spending Christmas alone (unless of course they toroughly deserve too ! so really think you should try and make arrangements that involve you PIL's whether that is at your mums house or at your house.

Two extra people to cater for are unlikely to tip the balance over the edge and for the sake of peace on earth and goodwill to all me I'd go for it (plus if your in your home both you and DH can get stuck into the champagne since there will be no issue of driving!)

FlamingoBingo · 22/10/2009 07:00

YANBU. You are just as important to your mum as your DH is to his. It is entirely unfair that you have never, in 12 years, been able to spend it with your parents.

Your PIL won't be spending it alone, they'll be spending it with eachother. And, with your suggestion, would only be spending part of it without you.

Christmas at my PIL is pleasant, but not out and out fun like it is at my parents (for the DCs that is) because of the same reasons you say - more people, more children. We have spend most years at my parents and gone to his parents for all of Boxing Day.

Last year we were really desperate for a family day at some point (DH only gets Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Years Day off at Christmas time) so we decided we'd drive straight over to PILs (an hour away) after opening stockings, with DDs in their pyjamas, and all our presents in the car. We had breakfast there and the PILs loved doing a special big breakfast for us all and being a part of the main present opening. Then, at about 1pm, we drove the 15min over to my parents to join the big party there, for lunch and a bit more present opening, but not the frenzied messy debacle that normally happens with so many people opening presents at the same time.

It worked perfectly and we got Boxing Day to spend at home playing with our new toys with just our family.

mummygirl · 22/10/2009 07:07

YANBU
And it's terrible of DH parents, the pressure they seem to have put on him because he's an only child. Like it's his responsibility that they have a nice christmas.

Your DH was obviously brought up this way, hardly his fault, but I generally get anrgy with parents who sem to use their children as some sort of insurance for their old age, grrrr....

Longtalljosie · 22/10/2009 07:20

12 years?

You'd have been entirely reasonable if they'd only had every other year during this time.

But I guess the problem is because they have had this, they don't want to give it up.

It will be hard, but you'll have to stand your ground... or accept you will never spend Christmas with your parents again. Because that's what your ILs seem to think is reasonable.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/10/2009 07:22

YANBU
they won't be alone, they will be with each other, and you are inviting them to be involved in the day. I think it might be better to go to theirs for presents and breakfast as suggested above though, so that they don't have to 'leave the party' as such.

God I'm glad PIL are muslim!

PoisonToadstool · 22/10/2009 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confuzzeled · 22/10/2009 07:33

YANBU, I know exactly what you mean.

My parents are divorced and re-married so we have 3 sets of parents to please. DH's Dad has advanced MS and they can't come visit us, so times like Christmas are very important. I hadn't spent Christmas at my Mum's for 10 years so 2 years ago we went to my Mum's. Dh's family didn't say anything but I could tell they were really disapointed. My Dad was openly angry with me. But I had a lovely day with my Mum and I don't regret it.

Your PIL have had you there for 12 years, it's really unfair to expect that again. You are just as important to your Mum as your Dh is to his parents. They won't be alone, they have each other and they'll come to yours in the morning.

If you can afford it, maybe you could treat them to Christmas dinner at a nice restaurant or hotel.

ProfYaffle · 22/10/2009 07:34

fwiw I'm an only child and I don't spend every xmas with my parents - though I wish I could as xmas at pil is miserable imho. As there are large distances involved, we have a 3 year rotation, 1 year at home, 2nd year at my parents, 3rd year at pil though we do see everyone over the xmas holidays at some point, just not on the actual day iyswim.

ABetaDad · 22/10/2009 07:38

Not helpful to say this but after 25 years. this question is still as contentious as it ever was. It can never be resolved.

We really just want to go away somewhere a very long way away from the UK with the DCs. They are not quite old enough to go long haul somewere but when we were younger and childless we went to Argentina several times for Xmas.

We laid by a pool on a blazing hot day, rode horses and had a barbecue cooked by someone else. It was perfect in every way.