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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's that time of year again and the age old argument has started already over ...

56 replies

sillysalley · 21/10/2009 23:47

Where we spend Xmas day ...

Ever since I have been together with DH, we have always spent Xmas day with his parents.(12 years) Main reason being, DH is an only child, Im one of four, therefore my mum always has someone over for Xmas

But this year, I really really really want to spend it with my mum. Plus my mum has said it would be nice to have me there for a change. I just feel so much more comfortable at my mums plus DS can play with his cousins who he loves to bits. I just want a big family get together. All my other siblings and their children will be there and I dont want to miss out IYKWIM.

My suggestions is for MIL and PIL, to come to our house in the morning to see DS opening his presents etc. Then for us to spend the rest of the day with my family. PIL's have extended family so there is an option for them to have them over so it wont just be the two of them.

AIBU, to spend most of Xmas day with my family?

DH and PIL's seem to think I AIBU due to DH being an only child.

OP posts:
Blackduck · 22/10/2009 07:42

This is exactly why we have booked our flight to somewhere hot....

iWantAPooAtPauls · 22/10/2009 08:40

We had this situation for years where my PIL did a very good 'tragically slighted' when ever I alternated Christmases between my parents and them. I can't imagine the unfairness and entitlement involved to expect every single Christmas to go my PIL's way!

As it stands, two years ago I decided that I was taking Christmas back. My dh really doesn't care and all my care has been worn out. Now we have Christmas all to ourselves and it is lovely.

I just told my parents that we were going to see them on Christmas Eve and my dh told his parents that we would see them on Boxing day. Nobody died.

diddl · 22/10/2009 08:49

Gosh, you should see your own parents, IMO.

And I don´t see why they should ask your ILs, either!

Your ILs have each other,or they could have Christmas lunch out.

Not sure how far away you all are.

Could they do breakfast with you so that they see you "on the day"?

Sorry,but 12yrs-that´s really selfish of your husband,IMO!

Iklboo · 22/10/2009 08:50

And this is exactly why we go nowhere on Xmas day and no-one comes to us. I can' do without the hassle & bickering.
DH's parents are divorced so we'd have to either do 3 in one day or a different one each year. We work it out 23rd we go to DH's dad, Xmas Eve my folks & Boxing Day his mum's. They're all fine with that.
DH did mention having everyone round one Xmas day but I told him to forget that. We've barely got enough room for us 3 never mind FIL & his wife, MIL & her bloke, my mum & dad, us two & DS. There'd be nowhere for anyone to sit for drinks let alone eat.
And I just know that DH would be in the living room doing his bon viveur bit while I slaved in the kitchen doing the dinner.
AND I'd have to get dreseed

fernie3 · 22/10/2009 08:53

when I was younger we used to alternate one year we would spend xmas day with my mums parents and boxing day with my dads parents and the next year the other way round.
We always had a great time because we would have two christmas days! the boxing day grandparents would wait until boxing day to have their christmas presents and christmas dinner and my mum and dad would keep some of our presents back and give them to the boxing day grandparents so when we were little we used to think father christmas had left them there for us!

ah good times

Stigaloid · 22/10/2009 08:56

YANBU - you have done Xmas at his parents for 12 years.

I hadn't spent Xmas with my family for 3 years and then the first Xmas i had with my DH (as DP back then) we were going to go down to my folks, but DH got winter vomiting bug and couldn't move out of bed. We had no food in our house as i had timed everything perfectly so we could be at my folks so i was in tears about it all. In the end i drove down to my folks, had lunch with them, picked up presents and left pretty quick to get back to sick DP with promises that the next year we would be over. That year my father died and i still cry at Christmas for not having spent his last Xmas with him or the ones before that. You have given your DH and his family 12 years of attendance - give yourself and your parents the same Christmas joy. I don't resent my DH having been sick but sometimes i do get upset thinking about how we had plans to be with my father and we never will again. Spend time with family while you have them.

diddl · 22/10/2009 08:59

We also go nowhere.

As I child,we had Christmas Day as a family-no Grandparents.

Was it like that for anyone else?

If so, how come these parents think it´s OK to change the rules now that they are the Grandparents?

Tommy · 22/10/2009 09:00

this is what I hate about Christmas...

It is "supposed" to be a happy family time and it so often ends up with people making compromises that they don't want to because other people are being unreasonable.

I don't think you are being unreasonable BTW - your PILs and DH (has he actually asked them if they want you there or do they feel that they have to have you? They might want a nice quiet day on their own!!)

ABetaDad · 22/10/2009 09:06

Iklboo - stil trying to get to grips with the twin concepts of "while I slaved in the kitchen" and "I'd have to get dressed".

I cooked naked once but it did make me feel quite vulnerable.

dizzydixies · 22/10/2009 09:07

I think your PIL are being unreasonable, childish and exceptionally selfish - tell DH to tentatively suggest that they feck off on a cruise as a treat for Christmas and that'll leave you to do what you wish

Tocky · 22/10/2009 09:07

We do exactly as fernie3 describes with my parents and PILsn- works great for us. No need for anyone to be precious about whether it's actually the 25th or 26th December, really.

posieparker · 22/10/2009 09:09

Go to your Mothers and spend boxing day with his parents.

Tillyscoutsmum · 22/10/2009 09:17

YANBU - 12 years is a looong time and its not like your PIL's will not get to see your dc's at all. They also have extended family and each other so they're not going to be sitting quietly on their own with a ready meal for one. I think it would be very selfish of them and your dh to moan about it tbh. You have been more than fair.

Definitely time to put your foot down this year I think (I only wish I could take my own advice - we are also in "who to spend Xmas day with" hell)

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine · 22/10/2009 09:19

Your PILs have had all of their family together for Christmas for twelve years whilst your mum hasn't had that once during that time, so PILs are being selfish imo.

I wanted to spend Christmas with my mum last year, but felt guilty and spent it with the PILs. My mum died this summer and I missed out on spending one last Christmas with her. As you can imagine, I wish that I had made a different choice and I think that you deserve to spend this Christmas with your mum and your siblings.

mrsxmas · 22/10/2009 09:23

Look you've really done your time with them. They will be ok. It's only one day and they have monopolised it for 12 years.

Anyway I give you permission and that's all you need!

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine · 22/10/2009 11:50

Yep, you'd better not mess with Mrs Xmas!

Poledra · 22/10/2009 12:07

YANBU - we do the alternating thing, though my PILs say that they win out, as I have 2 sisters so my parents come to us 1 year in 3 and the PILs come the other 2 years.

Your DH and PILs are being incredibly selfish, especially as you are doing your best to keep them involved.

Avendesora · 22/10/2009 12:34

YANBU

However, I would say early on (soon) where you are going to there are no misunderstandings.

LongtimeinBrussels · 22/10/2009 12:47

I agree with everyone on here - YAdefinitelyNBU! Just say you have come to a decision and that from now on you are going to alternate between your parents and his. You PIL are very lucky they've had you there every year for the past 12 years! I wouldn't have done this, only child or not! I also don't think that your parents should feel obliged to have your PIL over. If your mum won't feel comfortable in her own home, that's not fair on her. There's too much emotional blackmail going on here I think!

Disenchanted3 · 22/10/2009 12:51

Did your inlaws invite your mum and the whole family to theirs every year? Then why should your mum invite them??

You sound like a very calm, decent person, I would have told my DH to frig off 11 years ago and spent the rest with my mum.

But then again Im a mummies girl and would not want to spend Xmas day with MIL!

paranoidmother · 22/10/2009 13:05

OK So i'm an only child and we only have my Mum and Gran near us (well we live with my mum).

When the 1st DC arrived we decided to alternate between my mum and DH's parents.

The first year we went to PIL's my mum tried to blackmail me with it would kill my grandmother for me not to be around or the kids. Where would she get her dinner!!! etc etc etc she went to good friends who have been inviting her for years to go for christmas. She tries it on every time we go to the PIL and blames them on us going. She's banned them from coming to our house when she is there.

Pesky mother. This year we're at home and I've told her I'm not cooking. I'm going to buy everything for christmas day from Iceland so that I don't spend the day cooking.

Good luck. I would like 1 christmas off somewhere in a different country but I can't think when that will be!!

rimmer08 · 22/10/2009 13:14

how is 16 guests not alot- i would refuse to cater to that many- plus we have a two bed house so ours wouldnt hold that many anyway

stealthsquiggle · 22/10/2009 13:35

Diddl raises an interesting point. How many people now stuck in this 'whose turn is it' predicament spent childhood Christmasses at their grandparents? I know we didn't - DM is an only child - in her childhood they always went away to a hotel for Christmas, when she left home her parents continued to go away without her - and my father's parents never expected anything other than peace and quiet at Christmas followed by a mass invasion (typically 14 people in the house) for New Year.

sb6699 · 22/10/2009 14:15

I am SOOOOO lucky!!

DH's birthday is on boxing day so she is happy if we spend Christmas with my mum and go to hers on Boxing Day for DH's birthday dinner. She has BIL every Christmas anyway - SIL's family are so extended her mum is relived that they dont go to hers.

In saying that, we are now 400 miles away and we spend Christmas on our own as a family and every so often I do yearn for the huge family dinners at my mums with loads of noise, kids and too much dinner

Your PIL are being unreasonable - they have each other so they're not totally alone. Might be different if they were. Last year DH invited 2 of his friends for Crimbo dinner as they genuinely didn't have anyone to go to and I was fine with that as I couldnt bear to think of them being totally alone on Christmas day.

Gracie123 · 22/10/2009 14:19

YANBU - but be prepared that iL's will probably think you are.

We have this problem, because I want DS to enjoy christmas with his cousins (who he rarely sees because we live miles away) but MiL and FiL are divorced and think that we should divide our christmases 3 ways. That plus DH wants christmas on our own at least once per cycle so DS would in reality only spend it with cousins every 4 years. Not enough imo.

My parents always invite my inlaws to christmas, but they always decline. Inlaws never invite my parents, probably because our family is too large (18 once you include my sisters partners and children).

Christmas is always a nightmare, and everyone thinks you are unreasonable. I have just had to learn to live with it