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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if we fly halfway around the world for a wedding then our 10 month old DD should be welcome at said wedding?

114 replies

Fufulina · 19/10/2009 20:01

We're going to Australia for a wedding (DH is best man) in a couple of weeks. My DD is 10 months old (hmmm - relishing that 22 hour flight...).

So - the invitation to the wedding arrived and DD was not on the invite. Hmm. Now - I wouldn't normally query that - if someone's not on the invite, they're not invited. But we're flying to Australia for the wedding - and it's costing us a sodding fortune! So I dropped an email to the bride asking what other people were doing with babies and she gave me 3 options - all involving sending DD off to various far flung corners of Western Australia with people I don't know and DD has never met. I've never left her with with anyone other than family and she's still feeding before bed, so that's not going to work. But - no mention of having her at the venue, or there being somewhere at the venue I could get her ensconced with a nanny.

I'd like to qualify this by saying I didn't want kids at my wedding - so arranged a nanny on site (literally in one of the rooms in the venue) so that people could bring their babies but could also have a bit of time off at the wedding IYSWIM.

So - AIBU to think if you expect people with a 10 month old DD to fly to Australia for your wedding, said baby should be welcome at the wedding?

Flame if you must...

OP posts:
eyetunes · 19/10/2009 20:03

YANBU - What on earth did they expect you to do with the baby. They are being vvu.

Sassybeast · 19/10/2009 20:06

YABU. You didn't want kids at your wedding so what's different now ?

Chilimama · 19/10/2009 20:07

YANBU

I would have thought it was obvious that you would be expecting to have DD with you. To suggest you leave her with strangers is ridiculous.

While I accept that it is a personal choice not to have children at your wedding I do think the bride should take into consideration the fact that you are travelling thousands of miles with a young child in order to attend the wedding.

If it were me leaving my child with someone else would absolutely not be an option. It would be all of us as a family or not at all.

Could you try to explain your concerns to the bride? Hope you manage to find a solution

eastendmummy · 19/10/2009 20:08

YANBU. I know someone that had the same thing happen at a very close family member's wedding and the couple just didn't get that maybe not inviting a 7 month old after a 30 hour trip was a tiny bit unreasonable. What would happen if you just turned up at the wedding with DD? They wouldn't be able to send you away then would they?

Original poster
Fufulina · 19/10/2009 20:08

Hi Sassybeast - I didn't want kids at my wedding so provided care at the venue!

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/10/2009 20:10

YANBU
I hope you haven't bought tickets! I bet they are childfree. Honestly. having a childfree wedding is fine if your guests can organise their own childcare, or if you organise it on site, but expecting you to eave her with a random babysitter? Uh - no.

5Foot5 · 19/10/2009 20:10

Generally speaking I would be in the "their wedding their choice" camp. However, in this situation I do think your friends are being more than a bit thoughtless. As eyetunes said, what do they think you are going to do with DD?

BTW: re 22 hour flight with a 10 month old. I did that (on my own as DH was already out there) and honestly if you plan ahead it may not be as bad as you think. Try and make sure you get one of the travel cot things on the plane and take some toys for her to pass the time.

Sbeanmum · 19/10/2009 20:10

YANBU - because of the necessity of taking your child with you to Australia!! Different if it was down the road.

I am assuming that if you have any overseas guests at your wedding, you won't object to their DC coming along...?!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/10/2009 20:11

Oh just realised it's in two weeks! Take your DD, they can like it or lump it. Bride/Groomzillas!

ScaryFucker · 19/10/2009 20:11

yanbu

even if the rest of the wedding is child-free, an exception should be made for overseas visitors

it is just bloody obvious to me

ClaraDeLaNoche · 19/10/2009 20:12

YANBU. Maybe you should tell the bride you are struggling, and ask if she knows anyone who could come to the hotel. Or post on Mumsnet, maybe someone could recommend a good nursery worker or carer?

I think she's a bit silly really.

FlamingoBingo · 19/10/2009 20:13

YANBU - don't go.

Sbeanmum · 19/10/2009 20:14

Sorry - missed the bit about laying on childcare, OP

ruddynorah · 19/10/2009 20:14

dh needs to speak to the groom. having him as best man means dd attends. simple as. i agree different if wedding was down the road, but it isn't, it's about as far away as you can get.

Original poster
Fufulina · 19/10/2009 20:14

Thanks all - I thought I was going mad. I seriously cannot believe DD isn't welcome at the wedding! Am pretty upset about it actually. Wishing we hadn't bothered going!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fufulina · 19/10/2009 20:17

PS 5foot5 - any other tips for the flight (bastard airline we're flying with doesn't do cot thingies)??? Although I imagine I'll be mostly hissing at DH the whole journey...

OP posts:
agedknees · 19/10/2009 20:19

Fufulina - are you staying at a hotel when you go to the wedding? If so, you could hire a nanny to babysit for you for the day. We did this with our 18 month old daughter when we where staying in Queensland, Australia.

Don't worry too much about the flight over there. We travelled to Oz with our dd who was 11 months and she slept most of the way. The flight attendants were fantastic, took her off our hands when we where eating and gave her a tour of first class (BA).

YANBU. I just wanted to give you some help with arrangements if needed, and to give you some support re the flight.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/10/2009 20:25

Let DH go, explain that you won't be going as DD has never been left with anyone let alone strangers so you will be looking after her. It's up to them if they back down or not.

Why would people not want children are their wedding? Sad and weird.

YANBU about this but YABU to have no had kids at your wedding. Not cool.

unfitmother · 19/10/2009 20:26

Don't go

ja9 · 19/10/2009 20:30

that is absolutely shocking. i'd be against my dh going on his own because of the sheer cost... at least if you all go you can make a holiday out of it...

i would NOT be happy leaving dc with anyone they did not know well.

Pannacotta · 19/10/2009 20:31

I wouldnt go either, I think its shocking that they expect you to go to Aus for the wedding and to pack your baby off with a total stranger...

I dont understand why anyone bans kids at weddings, they are family occasions and IMO kids should be always welcomed.

ja9 · 19/10/2009 20:32

ruddynorah - good suggestion. do that!

deaddei · 19/10/2009 20:36

I didn't have children at my wedding......and I wouldn't even consider flying to Australia for one. You're very brave! I would have thought you would have enquired by now whether baby was welcome...it's not like it's round the corner. Personally, I'd let dh go on his own.

5Foot5 · 19/10/2009 20:37

Shame about the cot. I didn't put my DD down to sleep in it when I was asleep as at 10 months she could have sat up and fallen out. But it was a godsend to have somewhere she could sit and play some of the time. Could you try to get one of the seats where there is more leg room so that you can sit her on the floor to play during the flight?

Check if the airline can provide feeds and/or baby food.

Oh and for preference try to sit near Germans! All the people who were most helpful and considerate to me and DD on our journey were German - all ages.

Prinnie · 19/10/2009 20:48

YANBU! I really can't believe your friend is being so thoughtless!

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