To think that if we fly halfway around the world for a wedding then our 10 month old DD should be welcome at said wedding?

[Fufulina]

We're going to Australia for a wedding (DH is best man) in a couple of weeks. My DD is 10 months old (hmmm - relishing that 22 hour flight...).

So - the invitation to the wedding arrived and DD was not on the invite. Hmm. Now - I wouldn't normally query that - if someone's not on the invite, they're not invited. But we're flying to Australia for the wedding - and it's costing us a sodding fortune! So I dropped an email to the bride asking what other people were doing with babies and she gave me 3 options - all involving sending DD off to various far flung corners of Western Australia with people I don't know and DD has never met. I've never left her with with anyone other than family and she's still feeding before bed, so that's not going to work. But - no mention of having her at the venue, or there being somewhere at the venue I could get her ensconced with a nanny.

I'd like to qualify this by saying I didn't want kids at my wedding - so arranged a nanny on site (literally in one of the rooms in the venue) so that people could bring their babies but could also have a bit of time off at the wedding IYSWIM.

So - AIBU to think if you expect people with a 10 month old DD to fly to Australia for your wedding, said baby should be welcome at the wedding?

Flame if you must...

My father in fact went to a wedding with this crowd in Western Australia (where exactly there I have no idea). It seemed to involve camel riding judging by his photos.

Are you warming to it?

Baby is still BF also. Wedding people may not know that but it has been covered on this thread, so clearly Op can't leave baby. Even if she wanted to leave a 10mo for this amount of time.

How long are you staying fufulina? I would all go, send Dh to wedding (is only 1 day) and enjoy the rest of the time as a hol.

Your friend is being VVVVVU.

I don't get it. You booked your flights before asking if your baby could come?

If there was a chance in your mind that she wouldn't be invited why didn't you wait until you had sorted it out before spending £££s on tickets?

As for no kids at weddings, I'm a big fan myself but even if I wasn't it's the bride's choice isn't it.

Comparing kids to people with ginger hair is a daftness - ginger haired people don't have to have special arrangements made for them, nor are you expected to invite the three ginger haired friends of your own friends, at great expense and to the exclusion of your other friends.

People with fat arses might need special arrangements though, Morris. Bigger chairs, less space at the table... plus they'd eat more...

I think the bride is being very unreasonable to expect you fly across the world for her wedding, but not to invite your dd. On the other hand you didn't want kids at your wedding ... what goes around comes around! I'm quite surprised that as no babies bride yourself you didn't bother to clarify this before booking your tickets. Her wedding, her choice (as I you probably said about your own wedding).

it wouldn't be unbelievably rude, she's a baby

just take your baby daughter -- I wouldn't even have asked about why her name isn't on the invite, it's so obvious you can't leave her a. at home or b. with strangers

of course you can't do either of those things -- complete madness

so you either take her or you don't go

that would be my thinking

squawking during the ceremony: I don't see why you can't do what people have been doing for years and years and years before it became such an ishoo, and stand/sit somewhere where you can make a quick exit if there's noise -- that's just your part of the bargain

it's so different to when you have a wedding in your own country

its so obviously different, so you just can't compare it with not wanting children at your own wedding

Home or abroad it comes down to the same thing. Many people who don't have children can't imagine what "I've never left her with with anyone other than family and she's still feeding before bed" feels like. Not everyone has useful granny living right next to the venue even if the wedding was being held in this country. Personally I never go to weddings when the children aren't invited - it just says Bridezilla to me - usually the worst sort of weddings!

Hello all - back online! Thanks for your messages.

Just to clarify - we didn't think there was any question of DD being invited. As DH is best man, and the three of us go to Australia (for the wedding) I seriously didn't even think it would be an issue. But agree that was ridiculous to assume that travelling to the other side of the world would mean we could go as a family to said wedding.

I have emailed the bride and had no response. I asked if DD would be welcome at the venue. I've heard nothing so assuming not, otherwise it would have been a quick - "Of course she is!" response.

We'll have a lovely holiday - but to be fair - it's not a holiday I would have chosen with a 10 month old and if I knew she wouldn't be welcome, we would have saved out pennies and gone somewhere closer to home, I think, and just sent DH for a flying visit. We would have waited for Oz until DD is older and will really get something out of it, IYSWIM? Also - we have relatives in Sydney, so that would be our choice.

I wouldn't be happy taking her if she's not welcome - I don't have the balls, so will leave after the ceremony, I think. I agree that if she's not welcome, I couldn't just pitch up with her...

And all those who point out that I didn't want kids at my wedding - as explained - the only child-free bit was the meal! The nanny on site was for the kids during the meal, and after their bedtime (whenever that was) so parents wouldn't have precisely the childcare issues I'm now having!

if you are going , try to get back into a positive frame of mind with it. It's a lot of money and a long way to go, so should be enjoyable as much as possible.

Could you relatives from Sydney make it across to WA to catch up with you and see the baby whilst you're there?

But I would have thought that it was the ceremony bit that they are most likely to object to kids at (on potential noise grounds). Your 10mo DD is hardly likely to be the issue over an expensive meal that they then either chuck all over the floor or refuse to eat (the other main objection people use for preferring no kids).

I don't think you were silly at all to assume she would be included. I mean the circumstances are completely different from normal in that you are flying round the world to attnd and will know no one there to help. They (bride and groom) just haven't thought this through, so maybe you should spell it out to them. In a few years's time, when they have their own kids, they will look back on this and cringe - I hope!

Hope you have a good trip anyway. Looking on the bright side, although 10 months old may seem quite young for such a long flight in many ways it's probably not a bad time to go. Nightmare anticipating any flight with first-born, but with hindsight I can tell you it only gets harder when they are moving around. With a bit of luck she'll have a good sleep!

Similar story here (except the wedding wasn't abroad).

My DH's brother got married last year. At the time the wedding was announced I was a few weeks pregnant with DS2. BIL asked DH to be his best man. SIL mentioned she was thinking about not inviting kids. The wedding was planned for 4 weeks after my due date. They live a 45min-1hr car journey away from us.

DS1 was not a problem as he was almost 5 at the time & I was happy to leave him with my parents, but I was not happy about leaving a 4 week old baby (possibly as young as 2 weeks old if I'd been overdue), for a whole day & evening while we were so far away.

I said to BIL & SIL that I was happy to leave DS1 as could understand their reasons for not wanting kids at their wedding but I was not happy about leaving the baby, so if they didn't want him there, then I wouldn't be coming. They quickly backed down & said immediate family's kids could come.

TBH, if your DH has been asked to be best man, then your DD should be invited to the wedding, but I do wonder why this issue is only being raised a couple of weeks before you are due to fly out? Surely it should have been sorted before you booked your flights etc? I know I would want to know what was happening with my kids before I booked flights as this would have been the difference between me going or not.

Oops, apologies, I hadn't read the whole of the thread , so didn't realise that you had assumed DD would be invited at the time you booked.

Be careful though, it might be the ceremony that she really doesn't want DD at. I've lost count of the number of ceremonies I couldn't hear because people don't take their wailing babies out.

Oh wow, I can't wait to hear what the bride says. I'd be fuming in your position, if you can't take baby I'd feel like I'd paid out for a v v expensive holiday for no reason whatsoever. Btw, I have no problem whatoever with child free weddings, but think that if you're asking people to fly thousands of miles and spend thousands of pounds it's a completely different story.

I've got a funny feeling that the bride thinks she's solved your problem - with the "far flung" response you got before.

Is that what other people are doing with their babies? Could they get someone to come to the venue for you? What were you looking for when you asked what other people were doing?

Because, tbh, she doesn't know that your baby still needs to be fed to sleep. She's maybe thinking: ceremony starts late in the day, baby won't need to be left for very long before going to bed, not really an issue.

Just trying to see the other side here (and it probably is to do with the all the WA-ers I know who are genuinely the most lovely people you could hope to meet).

Clam Of course I don't think the OP should leave the baby at home whilst they fly to Oz. I didn't say that.

What I said is that it perhaps wasn't unreasonable for a woman whose life is currently revolving around the matching of table cloths and favours and who doesn't have children to think they might do this.

As I stated I wasn't sugesting these were acceptable solutions but people without children often don't realise that their expectations are unreasonable.

ZZZen, that's like asking if friends from Moscow can pop over to mind a baby at a wedding in London! Sydney to Perth is a 4 1/2 hour flight minimum.

OP YANBU at all. We had our wedding in Perth as it's where we grew up and where our families are but we lived in London and had done for several years. People came from all over, and we were honoured and delighted that so many people felt it was important enough to spend the money it cost to fly and book accommodation.

When people go all out to be at your wedding the you have to make allowances for them. Someone who's flown for 22 hours is not equivalent to someone who's driving down the road. Your DD should be welcome at the wedding.

perth is a lovely city. the beaches are lovely, kings park is great and there are restruants that you can take your kids to!!! the weather is also getting fab out here to. transport is easy and quite cheap and petrol is VERY cheap at the moment. come and enjoy a lovely city

I have the perfect solution. Take ME as your nanny. Your baby and I will have a lovely day out on the beach.

We had same issue as you.
wedding in WA which kids weren't invited to.

My sister had her baby and her 4yo with her.

The Reception was on a boat.

She let the 4yo go with the bride and grooms similar aged child to their house with a babysitter (once her DP had settled them) but brought my baby niece onto the boat in her pram.

Don't think the bride (Bridezilla extraordinaire) was that impressed but my niece was no trouble and my sister was going to do it whether she liked it or not.

Still no response from the bride! But thanks also for the MN jury comments - was v useful, especially those seeing it from a before babies perspective. You forget so quickly how life has changed and before I had DD, I probably wouldn't have appreciated the difficulties of leaving a BF baby for a night with a stranger. So thanks for the perspective check.

Squeaver - I think you're right - I should definitely have phrased my question differently about what people are doing with babies, but as I had a hunch she wasn't invited (not on the invite) I was too worried to come straight out and say - 'of course, we'll be bringing DD, even though she's not on the invite - hope that's ok' because it's been drummed into me from BIRTH that it's really rude to query who's been invited and I didn't want to make her feel bad!
And yes - I think she does think she's solved the childcare problem, just not in a way that I'm comfortable about - but as I haven't told her that, that's my issue!

So - have bullied DH into ringing the groom today to chat it through. We'll see!

But thanks again all.

i know motheringfrights, my sister lives in Australia.

Compared to a flight to Europe though 4 hours is nothing really and if you do want to see family, it makes sense to me to combine it.