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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if we fly halfway around the world for a wedding then our 10 month old DD should be welcome at said wedding?

114 replies

Fufulina · 19/10/2009 20:01

We're going to Australia for a wedding (DH is best man) in a couple of weeks. My DD is 10 months old (hmmm - relishing that 22 hour flight...).

So - the invitation to the wedding arrived and DD was not on the invite. Hmm. Now - I wouldn't normally query that - if someone's not on the invite, they're not invited. But we're flying to Australia for the wedding - and it's costing us a sodding fortune! So I dropped an email to the bride asking what other people were doing with babies and she gave me 3 options - all involving sending DD off to various far flung corners of Western Australia with people I don't know and DD has never met. I've never left her with with anyone other than family and she's still feeding before bed, so that's not going to work. But - no mention of having her at the venue, or there being somewhere at the venue I could get her ensconced with a nanny.

I'd like to qualify this by saying I didn't want kids at my wedding - so arranged a nanny on site (literally in one of the rooms in the venue) so that people could bring their babies but could also have a bit of time off at the wedding IYSWIM.

So - AIBU to think if you expect people with a 10 month old DD to fly to Australia for your wedding, said baby should be welcome at the wedding?

Flame if you must...

OP posts:

ilove · 21/10/2009 12:04

Hope it gets sorted for you

DarrellRivers · 21/10/2009 12:08

Keep us updated on how the phonecall goes, I think the bride is being so so so so so so so so (you get the picture) unreasonable.
No way should your 10m old breast fed baby be left with anyone else you don't even know when you have flown 24 hours and paid a great deal of money to attend their wedding
What has happened to good manners and common sense?

clam · 21/10/2009 12:11

I think your DH needs to say to his mate, "look, we have a real problem here re: DD. It never occurred to us that she wouldn't be able to attend the wedding with us when we agreed to come over. She's still breastfed (don't have to specify it's only one feed at night, even though that's sufficient reason - people without DCs won't differentiate) for a start, and your suggestions so far aren't going to do it for us. We're going to struggle to attend, any of us, unless there's a way round this."

And see what is said.

I'd love to see the converse MN thread from the bridezilla. How would she justify her actions?

happysmiley · 21/10/2009 14:12

clam, i don't think it's a question of whether or how the bride would justify this, i just don't think she realises there is a problem.

like i said i've been in her shoes and it was really difficult. on the one hand when someone has come that far for your wedding you want to do whatever is needed to make them feel at home, but on the other you've probably already turned away lots of other kids and know that their parents will moan if you change the "rules". that, and a childless bride, probably has no idea that a 10 month old may still be breastfeeding.

also if this is a normal wedding, the bride probably has a zillion other things to worry about. my friend and her DC, as good a friend as she is and as glad as I was that she made the effort to fly in, came way down the list after my mum who moaned and critised every arrangement i made, DH's sister who threatened not to come at all (too much hassle supposedly), the wedding dress that didn't fit, the torrential rain in the 2 weeks before the marquee went up, the DJ that went awol the week before, you get the picture.

if my friend had said that the arrangements for her DC weren't suitable of course we would have found something else, but otherwise I just had to assume it was ok.

until the OP's DH makes the call to the groom she is probably blissfully aware that there is a problem. it's how she deals with it when she knows that counts.

anyhow, good luck OP, hope all goes well

PeedOffWithNits · 21/10/2009 14:15

yes they may have a problem with other guests who have been told no kids please. the best man is not just another guest though is he. If he is importnat enough to come all the way from Uk to Australia to be there, of course his baby should be welcomed.

I am amazed they have not suggested leaving the baby with a friend in the Uk and having a holiday to yourselves

totally unreasonable of them IMO

happysmiley · 21/10/2009 14:33

Nits, you have no idea who the bride has said no to though. other people may have travelled too, ushers and bridemaids may have been told no, family may have been refused.

and whoever she has said no to, i can guarantee that someone will be offended and think their kids deserve to make it in the hierarchy of kids to be invited.

when we did it, we had friends whose kids we had never met make a fuss that their's weren't invited and our nephews/neices were. wtf. but they did.

and i know it's not the op's problem but it is the brides and she may feel quite bad about it.

DarrellRivers · 22/10/2009 09:37

How did it go fufulina?

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/10/2009 14:25

i understand your friend doesnt want children at her wedding ( i was the same)

but i have done many wedding creches in hotels/homes/castles etc

just as you had at yours

normally the children dont know me and yes have looked after tiny 6week baby to 10years olds - once had a 14yr in the room with me and felt so sorry for her to be dumped with the babies during the meal/speeches

if the bride says no to your dd, will you not go to wedding/try to find a nanny to come to hotel/ceronmy?

it is different in your circumstances - yuor dh is best man and you are flying many miles and hours to travel there, and no doubt huge cost as well

ilove · 29/10/2009 18:47

Have you got it sorted?

Fibilou · 29/10/2009 19:21

YA definitely NBU - they are ! How on earth do they expect you to arrange childcare that you're happy with ?
Absolutely no chance would I not take baby to the wedding and they could like it or lump it, I really don't understand this mania for not having kids at weddings anyway, they're a family event ffs. I'm guessing B&G don't have kids as they surely couldn't be so inconsiderate if they did

ElenorRigby · 29/10/2009 19:32

"I'd like to qualify this by saying I didn't want kids at my wedding"
Suck it up, what goes round, comes round.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/10/2009 21:03

You're being a little selective with your quote there, ElenorRigby - in full it read

"I'd like to qualify this by saying I didn't want kids at my wedding - so arranged a nanny on site (literally in one of the rooms in the venue) so that people could bring their babies but could also have a bit of time off at the wedding IYSWIM."

And also at Tue 20-Oct-09 06:31:18
"The difference with my wedding was that the kids were invited and I laid on a nanny if the parents wanted to leave the baby with the nanny.

The only bit that was baby free was the meal. As it happens - the three babies who came (of the 9 I invited) were variously at the reception, on the dance floor, or with the nanny sleeping. Quite different I think than being unwelcome for children?"

OP really has nothing to suck up.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/10/2009 09:47

agree whereyouleftit

Fufulina have you heard anymore back from bride?

Bumperlicioso · 30/10/2009 10:15

I'm normally in the 'their wedding their choice' camp, but really they should make an exception, especially when you are spending so much money flying out to attend their wedding. Hope you get a good response, however I think by this stage I'd just have decided not to go to the wedding and let DH go on his own.

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