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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if we fly halfway around the world for a wedding then our 10 month old DD should be welcome at said wedding?

114 replies

Fufulina · 19/10/2009 20:01

We're going to Australia for a wedding (DH is best man) in a couple of weeks. My DD is 10 months old (hmmm - relishing that 22 hour flight...).

So - the invitation to the wedding arrived and DD was not on the invite. Hmm. Now - I wouldn't normally query that - if someone's not on the invite, they're not invited. But we're flying to Australia for the wedding - and it's costing us a sodding fortune! So I dropped an email to the bride asking what other people were doing with babies and she gave me 3 options - all involving sending DD off to various far flung corners of Western Australia with people I don't know and DD has never met. I've never left her with with anyone other than family and she's still feeding before bed, so that's not going to work. But - no mention of having her at the venue, or there being somewhere at the venue I could get her ensconced with a nanny.

I'd like to qualify this by saying I didn't want kids at my wedding - so arranged a nanny on site (literally in one of the rooms in the venue) so that people could bring their babies but could also have a bit of time off at the wedding IYSWIM.

So - AIBU to think if you expect people with a 10 month old DD to fly to Australia for your wedding, said baby should be welcome at the wedding?

Flame if you must...

OP posts:
stuffitllllama · 20/10/2009 08:54

That's silly, they should be on their knees with gratitude. Why don't you just take her anyway, they can't chuck her out.

Just take her, they probably won't notice. There will be other children there anyway.

Have I missed something by only reading the first page.

stuffitllllama · 20/10/2009 08:56

fulfina, don't do the leaving straight away thing, just take her in

twelveyeargap · 20/10/2009 13:56

In what kind of venue is the reception being held? If it's a hotel, then can you ask the bride to arrange childcare on premises? If it's a restaurant, ask if there is a quiet area where a babysitter could look after your sleeping baby (when sleeping) and where you can feed the baby. Is it a venue where children aren't usually welcome anyway?

There is probably a compromise. It does seem pretty outrageous, but I went to a child-free wedding in Australia last year and made use of a babysitter on-site. Watched the ceremony from a hallway as DD2's messing about was echoing all over the courtyard in which it was held and ruining it. Brought her back to hotel briefly to change her for bed (and missed the drinks reception), then rocked her to sleep in the buggy and brought her to the reception venue (a private members' club in which children were not welcome at any time) and left her with a babysitter in another room at the venue. Was able to pop in and out and check on her.

Bride probably doesn't know what a hassle she's causing. She probably has other things on her mind, (like organising a wedding!)

2rebecca · 20/10/2009 14:00

YANBU, they can leave your baby off the wedding invite, but should expect there to be a strong likelihood of you then declining the invitation. I'd be quite clear that if you aren't all invited you'll stay at home and have more money and no jet lag and they can find an alternative best man.

squeaver · 20/10/2009 14:10

These people in "far flung parts of Western Australia"? Are they babysitters who other people at the wedding are using? Is there someone they know who could come to the venue and babysit for you?

When you asked "what are other people doing with babies?", what were you actually looking for?

NellieTheEllie · 20/10/2009 14:13

YANBU, your friend is.
Also, Perth is fantastic and way better than Sydney. I say ditch the wedding and go explore Perth, Fremantle and Hilarys , I'm very

tinkerbellesmuse · 20/10/2009 14:14

Their wedding their rules. You might think they suck but to not abide by them and just turn up with DD and announce "we are staying" is rude in the extreme.

Yes your friends should have made it clear that DD wasn't invited prior to you booking flights, although it wasn't as if they tricked you - she wasn't on the invite and you only saw fit to clarify after you booked the tickets.

Of course she is mad to assume that leaving your DD with a complete stranger, miles from you is a reasonable request but perhaps not unreasonable to think you might i) leave DD at home or ii) bring someone with you to assist with childcare or iii) not come if all to much trouble. Not saying that those are/should be acceptable solutions to you but not necessarily unreasonable.

squeaver · 20/10/2009 14:19

Yes I'd like to big up WA too. One of the best places on earth.

DorotheaPlentighoul · 20/10/2009 14:20

YANBU, not at all, and I hope you have a far better time mooching around in nice weather than attending their poxy mean-spirited wedding

Stigaloid · 20/10/2009 14:20

YANBU - tell her you can't attend and that seeing as she did not mention not having your DD at he wedding prior to you booking your flights that you would like her to reimburse the cost. She should have made it clear a long time ago and not 2 weeks before the wedding when the flights were booked. I wouldn't take a baby on a 22 hour flight (both ways) to not attend a wedding. I certainly wouldn't leave her with strangers in foreign country. Don't go and demand she pay.

claudialyman · 20/10/2009 14:21

loving Chandons friend uninviting people who lack enthusiasm! did all the guests have to pass a test demonstrating their unbridled excitement at being invited or just yourself? that could really cut down on the guestlist.

abra1d · 20/10/2009 14:23

'I dont understand why anyone bans kids at weddings'

If we'd had children at our wedding 35 of the 110 available places at the reception would have gone to children, the majority of whom I'd never ever met. Does that seem reasonable to you? It didn't to me.

So we invited family children and small babies only. If anyone had flown across the world we'd have made an exception or organised a nanny, of course.

TheMightyToosh · 20/10/2009 14:27

YANBU - I would not leave a 10 month old with a random person. It was hard enough to do this when my DD started nursery at 10 mths and had her first 30 minute settling in session! I certainly wouldn't do it for a whole day.

I agree with everyone else who has said tell them that either you all come, or none of you come. It's totally unreasonable for them to expect you to abandon your DD, especially as you haven't left her with anyone before.

If they won't let you take her, save the money enjoy the time at home instead.

clam · 20/10/2009 14:35

Tinkerbellesmuse, are you serious about saying they could consider "leaving the baby at home?" Whilst they fly to Australia?

I would certainly investigate where you stand about getting refunds for your flights if you cancel. I mean, really, are you going to enjoy this wedding at all with this hanging over your heads? Even if they change their minds and grudgingly say "Oh all right then, she can come, if she must" you're not exactly going to feel OK about it. Every whimper from DD during the event will be magnified tenfold in your imagination.

elvislives · 20/10/2009 14:47

My 2 cousins got married in NZ when my DD was 11 mo. The invitations were addressed to me and DH with no mention of DD. So I rang and asked if she was invited.

They were very surprised and said of course she was- they hadn't included her name because (to them) it was obvious that we wouldn't be traveling halfway around the world without her.

So we went, and all had a jolly good time and a fantastic holiday.

anonacfr · 20/10/2009 14:55

Abra1d I get your reasoning- in those circumstances I understand the 'no kids' rule.

But babies????

PuppyMonkey · 20/10/2009 15:05

People who ban kids at weddings are all barmy imho. You wouldn't accept someone banning black people or ginger haired people or people with enormous arses, so why is it acceptable for someone to say no kids??

BarakObamasTransitVan · 20/10/2009 15:07

I'm with ben5. Have a lovely holiday, skip the wedding. Can you get in touch with her niece's parents and organise a day out somewhere with them? The empty seats will upset their plans but ho hum.
It will feel absolutely crap having to leave after ther ceremony. Having said that are they actually going to kick you out of the reception if dd comes along with you anyway?

abra1d · 20/10/2009 15:07

I invited babies to my wedding if they were tiny. We had about five. And of course if they'd come from Australia they'd have been catered for.

happysmiley · 20/10/2009 15:10

Whilst I don't think YABU, I can see this from the bride's point of view as well, as I was in the same position once.

We decided no children but family at our wedding as the numbers were just getting silly and we had to draw the line somewhere. It was a bit of a pity as some of our friends' children we are very fond of but others we don't know at all and felt the easiest way to explain to people was that it was a no kids rules except family.

We had some guests leave children much younger than yours at home and others said they couldn't come because of the kids ban, but that was their choice and no one made an issue.

But the only person that presented a problem was my friend that came from the US. I was really pleased she could come, but genuinely didn't know what to do for the best with regards to her DC. She was obviously bringing DC for the holiday and I did feel really bad about the no kid rule with regards to her. But I didn't know what to do. If I made an exception then I knew other people who couldn't bring theirs would make a fuss and obviously I couldn't make her leave her child given she had come all that way. Also not having any of my own, I didn't know what reasonable expectations of parents were. Like I say, plenty of our friends were happy to leave babies for the weekend, others thought the idea of leaving much older children horrendous. Thankfully, she was happy to leave them her DC with someone else so it never became a big issue but I'm not sure what I would have done if she hadn't of been.

I think the only sensible way to approach this is to tell the bride how you feel and ask if there is somewhere closer to the venue where you can leave DD so you can pop in and see her. Maybe the bride won't be able to arrange everything for you (she's probably quite busy and stressed and has overlooked this kind of thing) but she may be able to get a friend/family to help make arrangements or suggest someone you can go to direct. Maybe the hotel can help sort something out. Failing that, if you can organise something that suits you, maybe you will have to sit this one out and DH go without you. Not great I know, but at least you'll have a nice day on the beach.

BarakObamasTransitVan · 20/10/2009 15:12

puppymonkey it's because ginger hair, black skin and big arses are not indicators of a penchant for storming around like a maniac spilling Fruit Shoots all over the dancefloor. Also they don't have people minding them that would possibly enjoy the excuse to be childfree for a change.
Soooo I get why people don't want dcs at weddings (not ones you have to travel 1,000s of miles for, mind).
I'd have them at mine though.

ZZZenAgain · 20/10/2009 15:14

It would not occur to me to write the name of someone's baby on a wedding invitation, however that would not mean I did not expect the baby to be at the wedding with his/her dp.

PuppyMonkey · 20/10/2009 15:17

Some kids are a bit manic and spill Fruit Shoots, yes I get that. Not as bad as most pissed adults though.

ZZZenAgain · 20/10/2009 15:25

you emailed the bride to clarify it, have you received an answer back?

We have some distant relations Dad is all chummy with, no idea how we are related and they live in western Australia. From what my father says, you can't get more laid back than them.

I think you shouldn't take it to heart. You've booked, you go and have a buzz. They're all excited about seeing dd, they'll make a big fuss of you all. Go on now, just go, have a bit of sunshine (FSG Sunshine, can you imagine it, so cold here). Have a nice holiday, your baby will pretty much sleep through. I think you should stay on for the party, if the baby is restless, I'm sure that wedding party will becoming down with grannies to cluck all over her.

Everyone knows what awful stress brides make of the whole sheboodle, she's not out to offend/hurt you, she's just wrapped up in organising her perfect wedding, that's all it is.

ZZZenAgain · 20/10/2009 15:26

FSG = FGS sunshine

what did I say? SUNSHINE. You can maybe swim - outdoors even. Where's your stopover, or are you flying straight through?