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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if we fly halfway around the world for a wedding then our 10 month old DD should be welcome at said wedding?

114 replies

Fufulina · 19/10/2009 20:01

We're going to Australia for a wedding (DH is best man) in a couple of weeks. My DD is 10 months old (hmmm - relishing that 22 hour flight...).

So - the invitation to the wedding arrived and DD was not on the invite. Hmm. Now - I wouldn't normally query that - if someone's not on the invite, they're not invited. But we're flying to Australia for the wedding - and it's costing us a sodding fortune! So I dropped an email to the bride asking what other people were doing with babies and she gave me 3 options - all involving sending DD off to various far flung corners of Western Australia with people I don't know and DD has never met. I've never left her with with anyone other than family and she's still feeding before bed, so that's not going to work. But - no mention of having her at the venue, or there being somewhere at the venue I could get her ensconced with a nanny.

I'd like to qualify this by saying I didn't want kids at my wedding - so arranged a nanny on site (literally in one of the rooms in the venue) so that people could bring their babies but could also have a bit of time off at the wedding IYSWIM.

So - AIBU to think if you expect people with a 10 month old DD to fly to Australia for your wedding, said baby should be welcome at the wedding?

Flame if you must...

OP posts:

Original poster

Fufulina · 19/10/2009 21:00

Thanks all - and thanks for the tips re: flying. deaddei they knew we were all coming - we told them about 3 months ago when we booked flights and at no time (and DH is best man!) have they mentioned that kids wouldn't be welcome. They just kept going on about how excited they were to see her...

agedknees we're staying in an apartment, and the wedding starts at 4.30pm, so I always thought we'd just have her there and stretch her out. To be fair her sleep is probably going to be up the swanney anyway because of jet lag. But it never occurred to me that she wouldn't be welcome.

Ho hum - have dropped an email back to the bride just to completely clarify if she's welcome and if she's not I'll just have to hoof off after the ceremony.

Balls to Australia.

OP posts:

hennypennyhen · 19/10/2009 21:01

Your friend is being totally unreasonable. I presume that they do not have children of their own yet!

ScaryFucker · 19/10/2009 21:11

she will look back at this in a few yrs time and think "wtf was I thinking ??..."

ilovemydogandmrobama · 19/10/2009 21:21

I think you really need to think about going and whether you want to go. I've travelled with DD at various stages to California, and it's only half way to Oz!

It took DD about a week to get onto the right time zone, not cranky, and eating normally, and this was going to stay with family all of whom wanted to see her!

Unless you have family to visit or desperately want to go to australia, I wouldn't go. Make excuses, say you have swine flu, and that DH is representing the family, or something.

crokky · 19/10/2009 21:26

I'm going against the grain and saying YABU because you didn't want children at your own wedding. I know you arranged care at the venue, but I wouldn't have left either of mine in the care of a stranger at that age at a wedding. I wouldn't have been able to get a babysitter that I knew (even in this country) when DS was 10m (I could now, but back then it would have been a problem). The bride has offered you some childcare and you have found it unacceptable - I'm not suggesting that it is acceptable (doesn't sound it), but personally I would have found the childcare you arranged at your own wedding unacceptable for my children at 10m. (I had never ever left DS - he would have screamed his heart out as he did when I tried to leave him with my mum around that age).

If I had been invited to a wedding across the other side of the world that was childfree, I just wouldn't go.

Heated · 19/10/2009 21:47

You are flying half way round the world, no doubt at some considerable cost and personal disruption, to assist them in getting married. To not warmly welcome your dd or at least make provision for her at the hotel is extremely thoughtless, even for a bridezilla caught up in the throws.

If she responds negatively to dd attending or can offer no assistance re babysitters at the hotel then I'm not sure how you can feasibly attend the event itself. Hopefully you can still get a nice holiday out of it. Maybe dh can nip outside for a cuddle with dd before returning to duties. Or maybe you can send a telegram wishing them the very best, whilst you and dd wave from outside the window

Vallhala · 19/10/2009 21:47

I would not have left my young child with strangers as has been suggested any more than you intend to so if I were in your position I wouldn't be going. I'd decline politely but with a truthful explanation as to why. Perhaps that way the couple may make an exception but if they don't so be it.

However I have no issue with a couple deciding not to have children at their wedding - its their wedding, their day and their choice. I didn't/wouldn't have them at mine either and I figure that if I'm old enough to get married I'm old enough to decide who attends!

I don't think, no matter what the distance, what your role in the wedding, or what the relationship with the couple, that you are justified in thinking that your DD should be welcome. It would be nice if she was, it would be helpful to you, it would be kinder to you, but there is no reason why the couple should invite anyone, young or old, unless they want to.

piscesmoon · 19/10/2009 22:01

YANBU but perhaps you can see how difficult it was for people at your wedding having to leave them with a strange nanny! I would email her and say that you will either have to take DC or you can't go.

Sassybeast · 19/10/2009 22:13

Sorry OP but you can't lay down a no children rule at your own wedding (I wouldn't go to a wedding and leave my kids with strangers even it they were in the next room) and then expect another bride to facilitate you. I DO understand your POV by the way - but it's standard practice chez sassybeast that if we can get childcare for a no kids wedding, then we go and if we can't we don't. We missed the wedding of some really good friends in Italy last year because it was no kids.

pointyhat · 19/10/2009 22:14

I think it's a shame when anyone doesn't want children at a wedding.

In this particular case, I'd send dh on his own. Not that this would happen to me. I know nice sensible people.

moondog · 19/10/2009 22:16

You didn't want kids and thought people would be happy leaving them with a random stranger. Yet you complain at a similar lack of good manners and largesse.

You are both as extraordinarily self-centred as each other.

piscesmoon · 19/10/2009 22:21

It's a great pity that brides to be don't read these threads before they get married and they would see how difficult they make things. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding and leave a baby with a nanny that they didn't know.

tearinghairout · 19/10/2009 22:22

YANBU. Bridezilla is only thinking of herself and her 'perfect' wedding, with no screaming brats ruining the ceremony. As has been said, it doesn't sound as if they've got dch yet, otherwise they would realise how unreasonable they are being.

You're going to have to tell her straight - DD can't be left with anyone, she wouldn't be happy, so you wouldn't be happy guests. Promise that you will not let her disrupt the proceedings in any way.

Hope you have a lovely time!

curiositykilled · 19/10/2009 22:22

agree with moondog. You are really both just doing the same thing. If you didn't want children at your wedding, which is IMO completely missing the point of a wedding, how can you complain at her not wanting children at hers just because you now have one?

TBH it doesn't matter that you put on a creche at yours, it's still excluding part of someone's family which is IMO very rude, and expecting to make parental decisions for someone else. She's allowed to have her wedding how she likes and you are allowed to explain and ask her about your dd coming but you'll have to accept it if she says no. Maybe you and dd could have a little holiday and not go to the wedding.

piscesmoon · 19/10/2009 22:29

I would just tell her that your DD will have her own food and will sit on your knee but that you have no alternative.

Original poster

Fufulina · 20/10/2009 06:31

The difference with my wedding was that the kids were invited and I laid on a nanny if the parents wanted to leave the baby with the nanny.

The only bit that was baby free was the meal. As it happens - the three babies who came (of the 9 I invited) were variously at the reception, on the dance floor, or with the nanny sleeping. Quite different I think than being unwelcome for children? And I did say in my OP that were the wedding in Britain it would be fine - I went to a wedding a month ago where babies weren't welcome and it was great - left DD with Mum for the day. I think the slight difference here is that we're traveling around the world to go so won't have that option. I'd be more than happy with a nanny at the venue, but that isn't an option here.

Anyway - lots of food for thought. Thanks all.

OP posts:

ben5 · 20/10/2009 07:10

where abouts in WA is the wedding?. i would let husband go to the wedding and you can have a lovely day at the beach with dd. if you are south of perth i'll let you know child friendly places where to go

piscesmoon · 20/10/2009 07:38

If they had a choice at your wedding and you only had the meal child free that seems really sensible-sorry I misunderstood, I thought that you wanted the whole thing without seeing a child. I don't think that anyone can expect you to go half way around the world and not have the DC with you.

Chandon · 20/10/2009 08:06

My best friend wanted me to come to her wedding, I had a 2 month old and a 10 hour flight. She said I´d have to come without the baby or leave him with someone.

I did mention he was very little and I was worried about breastfeeding. She said having a bottle for a day wouldn´t hurt him.

If I would have gone to that wedding, my boobs would prob have exploded.

She then uninvited me a week later as she said I lacked enthusiasm. She said it was HER day, and I was making too big a deal of having a baby.

Bridezillas !!!!

We are no longer friends...

gingernutlover · 20/10/2009 08:06

they are being totally unreasonable to have let you book flights for the 3 of you and accomodation for the 3 of you and to then announce that only 2 of you are invited.

It is their timing that is totally unreasonable, their wishes are their wishes which is fine but to tell you after you have booked the trip shows no consideration whatso ever and they should bend the rules in your case.

from your last post it seems your wedding was not totally childfree and assuming you told people before they decided whether to come then you were perfectly reasonable

if this happened to us then we would have to call the trip to ox our family holiday for about 2 years years so I would be mightily pissed off about it and I would tell the bride and groom what a difficult position they have put you in and that you feel they mislead you into spending a lot of money on a trip which you are now not sure you should have done.

SCARYspicemonster · 20/10/2009 08:14

Your best friend Chandon?! Blimey - what's she like to people she doesn't like?

OP - YABNU assuming that as they knew you were all coming that your DD was invited. You will just have to not go then won't you. And everyone will say to your DH 'where's your DW and your DD, couldn't they face the flight?' and he will get to say 'oh no, they're here but they're at the beach because my DD wasn't welcome at the wedding.'

That'll learn em

gingernutlover · 20/10/2009 08:19

LOL SCARY followed up with

"yeah, we nearly just sent DH but we'd paid for the flights by the time they told us dd wasn't to come and we couldn't get a refund, ah well!"

gingernutlover · 20/10/2009 08:22

but seriously FUTULINA you need to tell this couple what a problem they have caused for you - they may suprise you when they realise exactly what they have done. Give them the chance the do the right thing now.

Original poster

Fufulina · 20/10/2009 08:23

SCARY - that's where we've got to actually. I'll have to leave after the ceremony - I think her niece is coming to watch the ceremony. I wish DH would have the balls to say that, but he won't. And to be fair - I'm not sure I could either. But how I wish I did have said balls!

Oh well - sodding Western Australia. If I'd known we would have gone to Sydney instead!!

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 20/10/2009 08:46

YANDU I had exactly the same issue, and they had a small baby too. In the end I offered to go on my own, but eventually the whole family went. However this is AUSTRALIA FFS!!!! what, they think you can leave a ten month old when you fly over? That you can dump a ten month old on complete strangers?And at your weddings you did accomadate for babies in that you had a Nanny and room set up.

Personally I hate the "no children rule" at weddings , It does not sit with me. But in this case they are being very rude and inconsiderate. I think I would say if baby not welconme, I am not coming and thanks for fucking telling me AFTER we booked flights

some people

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